From a real court transcript:
Q: Now, your complaint alleges that you have had some problems with concentration since the accident. Does that condition continue today?
A: No, not really. I take a stool softener now.
Real note from a kid:
Dear Dad, can I do karate? I promise I won’t hurt you. I could fight off robbers and it is great exercise.
Unfortunately Named Products from Around the World
• Barf Detergent (Iran)
• Batmilk Yogurt (Brazil)
• Pee Cola (Ghana)
• Plopp Caramel Chocolate (Sweden)
• Salticrax Crackers (South Africa)
• Bum Bum Ice Cream (Germany)
British colonists in Malaysia created a game called hashing in the 1930s, and it’s still played by locals. Hashing involves running, but it’s not really a race. Participants start the event drunk, and then run through a five-mile maze. Every quarter mile there’s a checkpoint with more booze, and confusingly, the course branches out into multiple routes. It doesn’t even matter who wins—just who is able to finish and tell their story at the end of the race, which is usually at a bar.
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What American Movies Were Called in Other Countries
U.S.: Jaws
France: The Teeth from the Sea
U.S.: The Waterboy
Thailand: Dimwit Surges Forth
U.S.: Die Hard
Spain: The Glass Jungle
U.S.: Knocked Up
Peru: Slightly Pregnant
U.S.: The Dark Knight
Venezuela: The Knight of the Night
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I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
—Peter Cook
_______________
On a sign outside a school: Congradulation Spelling Bee Winners
_______________
Bumper sticker:
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up
SILLY WARNING LABELS SPOTTED ON PRODUCTS
On a can of insect spray:
“Harmful to bees.”
On a box of sleeping pills:
“May cause drowsiness.”
On a bag of peanuts:
“This product contains nuts.”
On a mattress:
“Do not attempt to swallow.”
On a chainsaw:
“Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.”
Presumably, half the customers were amused, and the other half’s complaints fell on deaf ears, when a gas station put up this sign:
“My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.”
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Euphemisms for Farting |
|
Trouser trumpet |
Booty cough |
Duck call |
Butt salute |
Back draft |
Frump |
Air biscuit |
Windy pop |
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Real Note Left on a Car Windshield
“I hit your car, I’m sorry! Because you looked rich, I’m not leaving my number.”
ITSYELLO (on a yellow car)
NOT COP (on a Crown Victoria)
OJ DID IT (on a white Ford Bronco)
NOT-POOR (on a Mercedes)
SORRY (on a car with Canadian plates)
SHELEFT (on a sports car)
McDonald’s once created bubblegum-flavored broccoli. (It was a flop.)
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Sign at a high school:
School resumes Aug 20
Resistance is futile
You will be educated
My parent: “Someday, Son, this will all be yours.”
Note to self: Find out how to write myself out of a will.
REAL U.S. COURT CASE NAMES
_______________
Frankenstein v. Independent Roofing & Siding
Big v. Little
Ruff v. Ruff
State v. Big Hair
Hamburger v. Fry
_______________
Punny Beer Names
Peter Cotton Ale
Yippie Rye Aye
Audrey Hopburn
Stop, Hop, and Roll
The Big Lebrewski
Smooth Hoperator Peter Piper’s Pickled Pepper Purple
Peated Pale Ale
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Real Work Fridge Note
_______________
Epitaph Spotted at a Graveyard in Ireland
Wherever you be
Let your wind go free
For it was keeping it in
That was the death of me.
Real (And Really Odd) Book Titles
• How Green Were the Nazis?
• The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
• Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence
• People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
_______________
Sign at a San Diego library:
Summer readinng program
_______________
In the 1960s, the president of Rival dog food invited the press to lunch. He brought a guest—a pedigreed collie—who sat at the main table with him and was served Rival’s new “all-beef dinner.” It was smart advertising, except that the dog wouldn’t eat the food, and wouldn’t even sniff it. Panicking, the executive dug into the dog food and ate it himself to show how good it was. The next day, newspapers declared “RIVAL PRESIDENT EATS DOG FOOD, BUT DOG WON’T.”
Strange But True
Official state beverage of Indiana: water
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Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It’s like having a little pet for your face.
—Anita Wise
From a real court transcript:
Q: And what was he wearing under the mask?
A: Uhh, his face?
Real note from a kid:
I won’t love you if you make me clean my room
_______________
Keep Your Eye on the Goat Carcass
Popular in the central Asian countries of Afghanistan and Kyrgyzstan, buzkashi is a game similar to polo: Teams on horseback move an object past a goal line to score. But instead of a ball, buzkashi is played with a headless, limbless goat carcass weighed down with sand. To steal the carcass from the other team, players may trip horses or whip their opponents. And you thought hockey was rough!
_______________
Sign on the door of a bank in Wales: Due to the weather we are closed. Sorry for any incontinence
_______________
lf you want your children to listen, try talking softly—to someone else.
—Ann Landers
_______________
Bumper sticker:
WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG LANE
_______________
English Subtitles from Hong Kong Action Movies
“Fat head! Look at you! You’re full of cholesterol.”
“The tongue is so ugly. Let’s imagine it to be Tom Cruise.”
“It took my seven digestive pills to dissolve your hairy crab!”
“Dance the lion for others for just some stinking money! It’s like razing my brows with the kung-fu I taught you.”
“Alternatively, you must follow my advice whenever I say ‘maltose.’ ”
_______________
On a billboard advertising a school:
ABC Chilren’s Academy
_______________
Real Fridge Note
_______________
Colorfully Named Pubs of Britain | |
Bull and Spectacles |
The Thatcher’s Foot |
Donkey on Fire |
The Drunken Duck |
The Fool & Bladder |
Ye Olde Bung Hole |
_______________
Game Show Goof
Todd Newton: Bourbon whiskey is named after Bourbon County, located in what state?
Contestant: England.
—Press Your Luck
_______________
REAL QUIPS FROM FLIGHT CREW MEMBERS
“Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”
“We’d also like to remind you to turn off your cellular phones, computers, video games, or any other electronic device that may interfere with the captain’s pacemaker.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, so I’m going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about the cabin, but please try to stay inside the plane until we land.”
“Sorry about the rough landing, folks. I’d just like to assure you that it wasn’t the airline’s fault; it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault; nor was it the pilot’s fault. It was the asphalt.”
_______________
On a No Parking sign:
Violators Will Be Towed and Find $50
MORE REAL COURT CASE NAMES
_______________
• Friends of Kangaroo Rat v. California Dept. of Corrections
• U.S. v. Pipe on Head
• United States of America v. 2,116 Boxes of Boned Beef, Weighing Approximately 154,121 Pounds, and 541 Boxes of Offal, Weighing Approximately 17,732 Pounds
• Schmuck v. Dumm
Unfortunate Tattoo Fails
Bumper sticker:
99 Percent of Lawyers Give the Rest a Bad Name
_______________
Game Show Goof
Alex Trebek: If a Japanese isha (doctor) asks you to stick out your shita, he means this.
Contestant: What is…your behind?
—Jeopardy!
_______________
IF THEY MERGED
• If PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Cracker Barrel merged, they would become… Poly-Warner-Cracker.
• If 3M and Goodyear tires merged, the new company would be… MMMGood.
• If Denison Mines, Alliance Semiconductor, and Cedar Grove Mines merged, the new company would be… Mine-All-Mine.
• If Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Mountain Dew, and Dakota Mining merged, the new company would be… Zip-Audi-Dew-Da.
LOONEY LAWS
• Playing with Silly String is against the law in Lodi, California.
• In Tennessee, it’s illegal to sell bologna on Sundays.
• In Seattle, a dog must pay full bus fare if it weighs more than 25 pounds.
• It is against the law in Michigan for a lady to lift her skirt more than six inches while walking through a mud puddle.
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People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
—A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh
Peculiar Palindromes
Lager, Sir, is regal.
A nut for a jar of tuna.
Lived on decaf, faced no devil.
He won a Toyota now, eh?
Draw putrid dirt upward.
Gary knits a stinky rag.
Did I strap red nude, red rump, also slap murdered underparts? I did!
Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.
_______________
Short-Lived Professional Wrestling Personas
• The Gobbledy Gooker. He was a giant turkey, complete with feathers, a beak, and wings. When the character debuted, he popped out of a huge egg.
• Giant Gonzales. A failed NBA basketball player, Gonzales was a lanky 7'7" and not muscular enough to wrestle. Solution: He wore a rubber suit covered with fake hair and painted muscles.
• Red Rooster. A guy with dyed scarlet hair who flapped his arms like wings and chicken-danced around the ring, screaming “cock-a-doodle-doo!”
• Isaac Yankem, DDS. An evil dentist, dressed in a white smock and face mask, who threatened to remove his opponents’ teeth.
_______________
Actual Job Titles According to the US Department of Labor
Flocculator Operator
Ripening-Room Attendant
Round-up-Ring Hand
Bosom Presser
Bottom Buffer
Crown Pounder
Egg Smeller
Real note from a kid:
I think my dad is the most interesting person I know. It was easy to pick my dad over my mom because she’s more like a regular mom.
_______________
From a real court transcript:
Lawyer: All right. I want to take us back to the scene at the bar for a moment again. [The witness gets up and starts to leave.] No, you don’t have to get up. I just want to take you back there mentally.
_______________
Extremely Specific Online Dating Sites
H-date.com, for people with herpes
MillionaireMatch.com, for rich people (“No Sugar Daddies/Babies”)
VampireRave.com, for people who think they’re vampires
_______________
Bumper sticker:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
_______________
Ice Cream Flavors You Can Get in Japan |
|
Fried chicken |
Ox tongue |
Miso |
Lettuce-potato |
Fish and brandy |
Fried eggplant |
Octopus |
Squid ink |
_______________
Dumb Jock Quotes
“Don’t say I don’t get along with my teammates. I just don’t get along with some of the guys on my team.”
—Terrell Owens, football player
“People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don’t realize that most of us only make $500,000.”
—Pete Incaviglia, baseball player
“It’s a humbling thing being humble.”
—Maurice Clarett, football player
Real Fridge Note
(On a half-eaten slice of pizza) “Just take the whole slice next time, okay?”
_______________
Shocking Collaboration
On his 2005 Prince of Darkness album, shock rocker Ozzy Osbourne does a version of the Steppenwolf song “Born to be Wild”…as a duet with Miss Piggy. Yes, the Muppet. Excerpt: “I like smoke and lightning,” Osbourne sings. Miss Piggy squeals, “Oh, I do too!”
_______________
I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
—Stephen Colbert
LOONEY LAWS
• It’s illegal to hunt moths under streetlights in Los Angeles.
• Geese may not walk down Main Street in McDonald, Ohio.
• In Chaseville, New York, it’s against the law to drive a goat cart past a church in a “ridiculous fashion.”
• A Tylertown, Mississippi, ordinance prohibits shaving in the middle of Main Street.
_______________
On a sign outside an elementary school:
LETERACY NIGHT
_______________
More Euphemisms for Farting |
|
Pop tart |
Bull snort |
Bean fumes |
Blampf |
Fizzler |
Putt-putt |
Benchwarmer |
Cushion creeper |
Real note from a kid:
Dad, I love you but you can’t cut my hair, if you do I will never forgive you. I love my hair and guess you don’t love me enough to do what I want for a change.
From a real court transcript:
Q: So, besides your wife and children, do you have any other animals or pets?
_______________
Famous People Anagrams |
|
Paul McCartney |
PAY MR CLEAN CUT |
Bob Dylan |
BLAND BOY |
Robert De Niro |
ERROR ON BIDET |
Bill Murray |
RUMBLY LIAR |
Abraham Lincoln |
HAIRBALL CONMAN |
Nancy Reagan |
AN ACE GRANNY |
Sylvester Stallone |
TALENTLESS SLY OVER |
Albert Einstein |
ELITE BRAIN NEST |
_______________
In 2014 several residents reported seeing a huge snake near Lake Hopatcong in New Jersey. It was described by witnesses (who were clearly not snake experts) as a 10-foot long, or maybe 20-foot long, boa…or python…or anaconda. Photos of it were too grainy to tell for sure. Then someone started a Twitter account for the Hopatcong Anaconda, which gained hundreds of followers. Its posts revealed its daily life (“Crap! The dentist says I need braces. My life is ruined.”), its pet peeves (“They’re using an old photo of me. That was during my awkward teen phase. How embarrassing.”), and its life in hiding (“Watching karate kid! Nobody knows I’m under this couch.”). The snake was never caught.
_______________
Game Show Goof
Richard Dawson: Name something a blind man might use.
Contestant: A sword.
—Family Feud
_______________
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
—Mindy Kaling
_______________
Colorfully Named Pubs of Britain
The Duke Without a Head
The Cat and Custard Pot
The Inn Next Door Burnt Down
_______________
MORE REAL QUIPS FROM FLIGHT CREWS
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“The next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us.”
_______________
Real Fridge Note
_______________
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
—Billy Connolly
During the 1993 Super Bowl, the Buffalo Bills fumbled the ball on their own 45-yard line, where it was recovered by Dallas Cowboys lineman Leon Lett. He then did what few linemen ever do: He ran it all the way to the other end for a touchdown. As he was about to cross the goal line, he slowed down to celebrate, raising the ball in triumph…and it was knocked out of his hands by a Bills receiver hot on his tail. What a Lettdown.
LOONEY LAWS
• In West Virginia, only babies are allowed to ride in baby carriages.
• It’s against the law to spread a rumor in Georgia, but only if it isn’t true.
• In Corpus Christi, Texas, it’s illegal to raise alligators in your home.
• It’s against the law in Arkansas to blindfold cows on public highways.
Strange But True
The fear of long words is called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
Real Note Left on a Car Windshield
“The next time you park here & block me in I will monster truck your car into a pile of scrap.”
Bumper sticker:
TV Is Gooder Than Books
_______________
More English Subtitles from Hong Kong Action Movies
• “If you nag on, I’ll strangle you with chewing gum.”
• “A red moon? Why don’t you say ‘blue buttocks?’ ”
• “A poor band player I was, but now I am crocodile king.”
• “Watch out! The road is very sweaty.”
• “The wet nurse wants rock candy to decoct papayas.”
_______________
From a real court transcript:
Q: Were you freebasing the cocaine?
A: No. I bought it.
Real Note Left on a Car Windshield
“You Park Like an A**hole.
Please Don’t Reproduce.”
(A condom was attached.)
_______________
Run for the Border
In 2003 Men’s Fitness magazine named Houston “America’s Fattest City.” In response, a local group tried to change the city’s image by holding a 40-mile bike rally through downtown Houston. But…to get people to sign up, they offered free beer and tacos at the finish line.
Bumper sticker:
Man cannot live on bread alone…unless he’s in a cage and that’s all you feed him.
MORE REAL COURT CASE NAMES
_______________
Muncher v. Muncher
People v. Booger
Short v. Long
State of Indiana v. Virtue
United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff
Bumper sticker:
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat
_______________
More Dumb Jock Quotes
“What defines me? Ryan Lochte.”
—Ryan Lochte, Olympic swimmer
“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
—George Rogers, football player
“My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction.”
—Tracy McGrady, basketball player
_______________
On a McDonald’s sign:
Over 10 Billion Severed
Bumper sticker:
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
Real note from a kid:
Sorry because of nothing
MORE LOONEY LAWS
• In Louisiana, a barber may not charge a bald man more than 25 cents for a haircut.
• It’s against the law in Virginia to call someone on the telephone and not say anything.
• In Alaska, it’s illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
• In French Lick Springs, Indiana, all black cats must wear bells on Friday the 13th.
• Women in Carrizozo, New Mexico, can’t legally go out in public with hairy legs.
_______________
On a sign at a cake shop:
Cake Writting $2.00
_______________
Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
—Stephen Hawking
More English Subtitles from Hong Kong Action Movies
• “Cool! You really can’t see the edges of the tea-bag underwear.”
• “Beauty and charm is yours, to you I run. I’d never leave, even forced by gun. I’d always want you, even if you were a nun.”
• “I scare nothing! Even you become napkins!”
• “Your dad is an iron worker, your mom sells beans!”
• “Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.”
• “I’m Urine Pot the Hero!”
_______________
More Extremely Specific Online Dating Sites
Date-a-doc.com, for doctors
TrekPassions.com, for Star Trek fans
ShyPassions.com, for introverts
_______________
More Actual Job Titles According to the US Department of Labor
Frickerton Checker
Pickle Pumper
Retort Forker
Mutton Puncher
Human Projectile
Animal Impersonator
_______________
More Unfortunate Tattoo Fails
_______________
Towns With Odd Animal Names
(and we’re pretty sure they don’t have anacondas or elephants)
Musk Ox, Alaska
Anaconda, Montana
Dinosaur, Colorado
Goat Town, Georgia
Toad Suck, Arkansas
Mastodon, Michigan
Wildcat, Wyoming
Elephant, Pennsylvania
Man, West Virginia
_______________
From a real court transcript:
Q: Meaning no disrespect, sir, but you’re 80 years old, wear glasses, and don’t see as well as you used to. So, tell me, just how far can you see?
A: I can see the Moon. How far is that?
Strange But True
Official state exercise of Maryland: walking
Game Show Goof
Bob Eubanks: What is your husband’s favorite cuisine?
Contestant: All in the Family.
—The Newlywed Game
_______________
More Beer Names
Moose Drool
Men’s Room Red
Yellow Snow
Mash of the Titans
Sweaty Betty
For Those About to Bock
Vampire Blood
Hoppy Ending
IF THEY MERGED
• If FedEx and UPS merged, the new company would be… Fed-UP.
• If Knott’s Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merged, they would become… Knott-NOW.
• If Grey Poupon and Dockers pants merged, they would be called… Poupon Pants.
• If Luvs diapers and Hertz car rental merged, the new company would be… Luv Hertz.
MORE REAL COURT CASE NAMES
_______________
• United States v. $11,557.22 in U.S. Currency
• Advance Whip & Novelty Co. v. Benevolent Protective Order of Elks
• Fried v. Rice
• United States v. 1,100 Machine Gun Receivers
• Plough v. Fields
_______________
Even More Ice Cream Flavors In Japan |
|
Oyster |
Curdled bean |
Garlic mint |
Silk |
Sesame, soybean, and kelp |
Collagen and lemon Pepto-Bismol |
_______________
From a real court transcript:
Q: Ma’am, were you cited in the accident?
A: Yes, sir! I was so ’cited I peed all over myself!
When you oversleep and have to sneak into work late
What American TV Shows Were Called in Other Countries
U.S.: Knight Rider
Latin America: The Fantastic Car
U.S.: Murder, She Wrote
Germany: Murder Is Her Hobby
U.S. SpongeBob SquarePants
France: Bob the Sponge
More Euphemisms for Farting
Cheek squeak
Fanny beep
One-gun salute
Bottom blast
Barn burner
Beeping your horn
Fluffy
Message from the interior
Sign at a church:
The fact that there’s a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The 1984 movie Dune was adapted from a sci-fi novel that would not be considered kid-friendly. Its setting: a barren world is overrun with huge killer sandworms, a drug called spice is the currency of the universe, a global jihad is starting, and people are being assassinated. Naturally, the moviemakers thought it was prime subject matter for activity and coloring books for young kids. The connect-the-dots and coloring scenes depict “murder, intrigue, suppurating boils, phallic symbolism and knifeplay.” Kids sure do grow up quick!
Cookie Monster’s “real” name is Sid.
Even More Actual Job Titles According to the US Department of Labor
Lap Checker
Dobbyloom Chainpegger
Automatic Lump-Making Machine Tender
Soiled Linen Distributor
Muck Boss
Slubber Doffer
Gas Dispatcher
_______________
Nicknames of Medieval Kings
King Harald the Lousy
King Eric the Priest-Hater
King Henry the Impotent
King Baldwin the Leper
King Bermudo the Gouty
King Lulach the Foolish
King Vseslav the Werewolf
King Ethelred the Unready
_______________
Russian Slang Terms
Ne goní purgú!
Literally: “Don’t chase away the snowstorm!”
Meaning: “Be honest!”
Ni khrená!
Literally: “Not a horseradish!”
Meaning: “Nothing of the kind!”
Gemorróy
Literally: “hemorrhoids”
Meaning: “a huge problem”
Blin!
Literally: “Pancake!”
Meaning: “Ah, shoot!”
_______________
My mustache gets so many questions he has his own agent now.
—Tom Selleck
_______________
Q: What’s the surest way to make any child extremely hungry and dehydrated?
A: Say, “It’s bedtime.”
Wife: I’ve had it with your dumb dad jokes!
Husband: How can I quit?
Wife: Whatever means necessary.
Husband: No it doesn’t!