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I must have been flipped to my back with my head facing downhill, because all I remember was seeing parts of the sky through the trees, but my face was in the ground when Ben got to me.
“Are you okay?” he asked, dropping to his knees.
“Nova!” I heard Dave from above.
I lifted my head up, mainly to make sure the horse was still okay, and I was surprised to find that I was probably twenty feet further down the hill.
“Nova, you okay?” Jack hollered. He was trying to come down the hill, but I pulled myself to my knees to show him I was all right.
“I’m fine,” I said, waving him away. “Stay there.”
Ben pulled a few sticks and leaves out of my hair. “You sure you’re okay?” he asked with an unsure smile.
“Uh, yeah, I think so.”
“You usually do your own stunts?”
“Psssh.”
“It looked really cool, though.”
“Well, thank goodness for that.”
“It’s too bad no one was filming it.”
“Yeah, that is too bad.”
He chuckled at my dry humor. “It would’ve definitely made the top of the YouTube charts.”
“That’s such a bummer. Maybe we could recreate it and you could do the stunts. I would be happy to film it for you.”
I proceeded to make my climb up the mountain, so Ben hiked with me, holding me up by my arm. I didn’t object to his help because I was still shaken up from my heels-over-head tumble into the ravine.
“Not a bad idea,” he answered. “But I think it was cooler because it was you. Watching a girl endo down a hill like that is a little more entertaining.”
“Nice, glad you’re fucking amused.”
His smile disappeared. I think the word fuck caught him off guard. I wasn’t truly pissed, just not in the mood for jokes. “Sorry. It was kind of scary. I’m glad you’re okay.”
I didn’t reply to that, but he did seem sincere.
When we got to Jack, thankfully the horse was calm, more help had arrived, and our job was over. Ben continued to help me up the hill, even carrying both medical bags. I was never so relieved as I was when we were finally standing on solid, flat ground, and able to drink half a gallon of water. It was so hot out, and all the men around me—including Dave and Heath—were drenched in sweat.
I stuck around to watch the horse be pulled up to the road. I sat on Dave’s tailgate in the shade, glad it was all over. While they were laying the horse into a cattle trailer, Ben made his way over and sat down next to me.
“You feeling okay?” he asked.
“I’ve had better days.”
“Nah, better days than this?”
“Yeah, maybe a little.”
He took my wrist and held up my arm to see my elbow. “Maybe you need to clean that up?”
“Yeah, probably.”
I slid off the tailgate so I could pour some water over my arm to wash off the crusted blood. Ben watched in silence, and then handed me a piece of gauze to blot it dry. It was mainly a scrape, so I wasn’t going to bother putting a bandage over it, but he got a large one from the first aid kit anyway, even applying some antibiotic cream to it before he handed it over.
“Thanks,” I replied, applying it to my arm.
We both resorted to silence when I returned to the tailgate, and because it was so hot out—and just applying first aid to myself caused me to break another sweat—I had to guzzle some more water.
“So, they call you Nova,” Ben finally stated. “Is that really your name or just a nickname?”
I cast him a side-glance, thinking I was being made fun of. But his face held no expression while he waited for my answer.
“Yes, that’s really my name.”
“Hmm, I like it. It’s different.”
I only nodded while I watched the men ahead of us. Jack was finishing some final things with Born to Be Wild. I knew I should probably be over there to help too, but he had insisted I just take it easy for the time being. I hardly argued with him because of how sore I already felt.
“You seem pretty wary of me,” Ben pointed out, breaking my thoughts. “I assume that has to do with Austin, right?”
I looked at him watching me. I took a moment to think about who Ben Tomlinson really was, and after spending time with him through an emergency, I didn’t feel like I could have any ill feelings toward him. Physically, he was a good-looking guy at six-foot, with light brown hair and dark brown eyes. His smile was friendly, but because of Austin’s warning, I just couldn’t trust it so easily.
“Yes, Austin has suggested that I not be around you,” I admitted.
Ben slightly nodded, apparently not surprised.
“Maybe you can explain why,” I added.
He raised an eyebrow while he paused. “He didn’t tell you why?”
“Not really. I haven’t pressed him about it yet, but maybe you can fill me in instead.”
He studied me, and I almost felt intimidated by his dark eyes seeming to bore through me. But then he barely shrugged, as if to show it was nothing to get into.
“What happened between you guys?” I asked. “I mean...neither one of you can talk about it?”
“We used to be best friends and now we’re not. There’s not much to say about it.”
“Sure there is. What changed?”
“I don’t think there was any one thing.”
“Then what started it?”
He shrugged. “I guess the fact that Austin was a good kid and I wasn’t. I mean, isn’t that what you’ve heard about me?”
“Maybe.”
“Then why is it such a surprise we’re no longer friends?”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re just using the ‘I was a bad kid’ excuse to mask something else?”
“What?” He chuckled sarcastically. “Are you shrinking me right now?”
“Your parents love you. For some reason, you’ve chosen to completely alienate yourself from them. Your mom is one of the sweetest ladies I know, and I can tell she’s heartbroken over—”
“Don’t bring my parents into this,” he interrupted, shaking his head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know they only want a relationship with you, and you’ve denied them that.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why not? You move to where? –North Dakota? — And barely keep in touch with them. All they want is to have their son in their lives.”
“All they want is a son who isn’t a fuckup. I’m not him, so they’re wasting their concern.”
“You don’t have a say in what people think of you. Why can’t you just give them a chance?”
“You know nothing about my life,” he lowered his voice.
I could tell he was upset, and I probably did cross a line, so I shut my mouth. We sat in silence for almost a minute, watching the men load their equipment.
Finally, Ben took a deep breath and said, “Sometimes it’s hard to come full circle. I left town four years ago, ready to leave everything behind and start over. You know what? It’s harder than it seems. Couldn’t do it. And now here I am, back on the ranch again, facing the same demons I did before. And I’ll be the first to admit running away from your problems doesn’t do a damn ounce of good. Nothing has been overcome, nothing has gotten any better. It’s just the way it is.”
I had to disregard Austin’s advice at that point. Here I was, already talking to Ben, having spent almost two hours of the day with him, and I felt like I had to go with my instincts instead. I understood that Ben had probably made some mistakes in his life, but who hasn’t? I also understood that those mistakes, and his past with the Gaines family, might also be out of my league to identify with. But I did feel like I needed to understand why Austin felt the way he did about Ben, and whether it was just my curiosity or the fact that I cared about all parties involved, I really needed some answers.
“So, tell me what you were running away from.”
His laugh was bitter. “Oh no, I don’t think so. Why? So you and Austin can compare notes on me? No fucking way.”
“I’m just trying to understand you better. I’m very close to your parents, so I kind of feel...”
“Connected to me, too?” He smirked again. “How sweet. We’re kindred spirits?”
I could have fed off his sarcasm pretty easily and made the situation worse, but I decided to play it off with a smile and said, “Yep, we are. Don’t tell me you can’t feel the spiritual connection.”
He studied me carefully. “Well, I definitely feel something between us, but I wouldn’t say it’s a spiritual connection.”
If it weren’t already so hot outside, my face would have warmed up instantly. I could tell Ben knew I was embarrassed because of the way he laughed, but I tried not to let him unnerve me. “Okay, I feel one form of a connection, you feel another...any way you look at it, you’re supposed to open up to me.”
He cast me a look that clearly stated I was being bold, but he was thinking it over. He stared ahead at the other men talking with one another, but I continued to watch Ben, waiting for a response.
He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled. I truly thought he was going to confide in me, so when he stood up and said, “Nah, guess I don’t have it in me,” I felt a little insulted.
“Don’t have it in you to suck it up and face the truth?”
He tossed me another smug smile. “Nope, guess not. I’m just a sorry excuse of a man who won’t give in to nosy women.”
“Nosy?”
“Mmhmm.”
I scoffed. “Whatever. I’m just trying to be your friend.”
“Well, I don’t have any real friends, so I’m not sure what one is like.”
“Austin used to be your friend.”
“Austin gave up on me,” he replied with narrowed eyes. “Austin decided he was too good for the stable boy, and moved on without me. Austin chose to dump me on my ass.”
“That doesn’t sound like the Austin I know. Look at me,” I stated angrily. “I was a waitress in a diner and he still wanted to date me. He pursued me because he saw more to me than most people did.”
“Maybe you were his do-over.”
I blinked at him. “Excuse me?”
“He had to get rid of the guilt, make up for what he did to me.”
I continued to stare at him, dumbfounded. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but are you implying that Austin felt sorry for me?”
“I’m not implying anything. Just forget it.”
“No, I want you to be accountable for what you just said. You told me Austin thought he was too good for you. What does that mean? How did he give up on you?”
“I’m not getting into this with you. You’re pretty good though, you know? ‘I want you to be accountable for what you just said,’” he mimicked. “I like it.”
“And you’re pretty good yourself,” I retorted. “I can tell you’re very practiced in the art of evading the truth.”
“Evading it? I fucking live with it every day, honey. If I wanted to dodge it any longer, why the hell would I be here again? –In California, with everything that reminds me of my past.”
“I think you’re reminded of your past anywhere you go, and you know it isn’t going to go away until you finally deal with it.”
His face darkened with defiance. “And you’re a goddamn vet? You sure you wouldn’t rather switch professions and stick your nose in other people’s business full time?”
“No, because then I’d have to hear one excuse after another, and frankly, I can’t handle people who are in denial. It’s not a psychological issue I’m familiar with.”
He laughed out loud, mockingly, even giving me a thumb’s up to signify that I’d topped him. “That’s good. Almost as good as the fact that you’re the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever met.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, man. People like you are the ones in denial. You sit there on your soap box, preaching that I’m supposed to face the truth, open up to you and unload all of my mistakes and shit just like that,” he said, snapping his fingers, “when I bet you can’t even name one hardship you’ve ever had to go through. Bad hair days and PMS don’t even count,” he added, smiling at his own wit.
I could feel my anger boil, to the point where I seriously had to talk myself out of punching him in his fucking smug-ass face. I thought of my mom. The fact that she was now gone really burned me deep. I instantly thought of the day in fifth grade when Joey Roberts took my A+ report on mammals and threw it in the mud. “How’s that for your A-plus,” he sneered while a dozen other kids laughed. “You think you’re better than everyone else, don’t you?”
I’ll admit I cried the entire way home from school that day, feeling like one kid had the power to completely tear me down. My mother made me vow I would never allow myself to feel that way again; that I would always be proud of my achievements whether people noticed or not. “People like Joey are hurting inside,” she had told me. I think that phrase echoed five dozen times in my head since then, and whenever I was faced with a moment like that in my life, I repeated, “People like Joey are hurting inside.”
If I blinked, the moisture in my eyes would have escaped. I forced myself to stay focused on a bird in a tree instead.
“I suppose I could throw your own words in your face,” I finally said to Ben. “‘You know nothing about my life,’” I mimicked. “Well, I’ll tell you this, asshole. My father was a druggie—heroin, cocaine, meth; whatever else he does now—and he finally left town for good when I was ten years old. I guess after he got tired of beating up on my mom and me. I don’t want him in my life, and I’ve finally discarded the ridiculous fantasy that he would ever be there for me.
“Now, my mother on the other hand, she was my best friend. She worked her ass off to give me a decent life, and if there was anyone who ever faced their mistakes to make things right, it was my mom. Sometimes I even got sick of her apologies and her efforts to ‘make it up to me.’ I didn’t feel like she needed to make anything up to me. She was a great mom. So yeah, I guess her death doesn’t really count as a hardship since your problems are so much harder than anyone else’s.”
I stood to leave. I could hear a familiar engine coming up the road, and I was looking for the car that went with it. It really was Austin, but I wasn’t sure if I was happy to see him because of how angry I was.
Especially when Ben smiled at me and said, “See? I can pull off the shrink role just as easily as you. But...I got more out of you than you did me.”
I glared at him with disbelief when he slid off the tailgate and flashed me another smile. Austin walked up just then, not at all happy with who’d been keeping me company. But Ben disappeared into the crowd in front of us, and I was still standing there, pissed as hell.
“What’s going on?” Austin asked. “Is he bothering you?”
He was about to follow Ben to do who-knows-what, but I grabbed his arm to stop him. “Leave it alone.”
“What’d he do?” he demanded. “You look like you wanna fight him. I totally know that feeling when it comes to Ben, so just tell me what happened.”
“Nothing, I just...” I sighed to gain composure. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Can you please take me home?”
He studied me for a moment, and then nodded. He very noticeably looked me over, even taking my hands in his to look over the damage on my forearms, and then pulled me close to him for a hug. It felt good to be loved, but when he pressed against my back to hold me tighter, it made me wince. I could tell I had other parts of my body to look over later on.
“My dad told me what kind of day you guys have had,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
I leaned back to subtly release myself from his tight grip, and took his hands in mine. “It was only as bad as it was because of the heat.”
“And?” he asked, holding my arm up to eye the bandage and other cuts and scrapes.
I shrugged. “And I kind of fell down a mountain.”
He chuckled because I’d said it so casually, but after shaking his head at me, he gave me a kiss and led me to the car. I couldn’t help glancing behind us as we left the scene, and I know Austin glanced back because I did, but all it took was one little glimpse at Ben and his smug smile to send an uneasy feeling to my stomach.
I told myself to just let it go—to listen to Austin and stay away from him—but there was something about Ben that didn’t sit right with me, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do about it.