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My eyes burned with tears. And that, combined with how I had just put myself out there so boldly, made me feel completely vulnerable.
I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat, and tried to nod my head with resolve. “Okay, at least I know how you feel. I guess, uh, well, I guess we finally got that out of the way.”
“It has nothing to do with not wanting to marry you, Nova. Don’t think that, okay?”
“Well what am I supposed to think?” I asked quietly.
“That you’re changing your plans again, and I just need a minute to think it over.”
“You have to think about how you feel?”
“No, I already know that I love you,” he replied, almost angrily.
“But that’s where it stops? You love me but don’t see a future with me?”
“I didn’t say that,” he groaned. “You’re adding your own words. I absolutely see a future with you—we’ve already discussed that—but right now just...it just isn’t the right time to talk about getting married.”
“If you can’t even talk about it, then it obviously isn’t an option for you.”
“That’s not what I meant. And yes, it is an option for me. I do plan on you and I getting married. But right now, things are good between us—at least I thought they were—and with so many things going on, how could we possibly complicate it even more?”
“Complicate it? I see it as making it better and you see it as complicating things?”
“Okay, hold on for just a minute.” He took a deep breath and let it out, even taking a couple steps away to regroup. When he turned around, he said, “I love you, Nova. I really do. I’m in love with you. It’s the best feeling in the world. But you need to finish school, and getting married isn’t going to give us more time together. And then when you move to Sacramento—”
“I don’t have to go to UC Davis. Austin, do hear what I’m saying? I’d rather take Jack’s offer, and continue to work here. It’s gratifying, and I love it. It’s everything I want. I don’t need that piece of paper anymore. You are more important to me, and I can’t move to Sacramento because it won’t work for me. It will pull us apart!”
“No, you’re going to apply to the school and you’re going to get in, okay? And we’re not going to let it pull us apart because we’ll do everything we can to be together as much as possible. I’ll even come up there and spend time with you, Nova. We’ll make it work, I promise. It won’t be any different than what we have now, and you can still achieve your goals and get your degree.”
In listening to him “reassure” me, I also realized he didn’t want things to be any different than what they were now. I guess I felt like he was using my education as an excuse, and my real fear wasn’t that I couldn’t get into UC Davis anymore.
My fear was that Austin might not ever be ready to get married.
I took a slow, steady breath. “My goals have changed, and if you’re unwilling to get that through your head, then I’m just going to assume you don’t want to get married. I understand that Austin, I really do. But don’t use me, or my education, as an excuse. I appreciate how much you care, and how much you want me to achieve the things I’ve set out to achieve, but if there are other reasons you’re not admitting to right now, then I suggest you just get it out in the open so we understand each other perfectly clear. Am I making myself clear?”
Our eyes locked, and I almost regretted being so aggressive, but we’d come so far with the subject and I felt it wasn’t doing either of us any good to beat around the bush.
“I love you, Nova,” he finally said.
“I believe that. But you’re not doing me any favors by protecting my feelings.”
He slowly nodded. “Okay, then yeah, I don’t want to get married.”
My heart dropped into my stomach, but I tried to remain strong as I listened to him continue.
“I love you, and I don’t plan on being with anyone other than you, but I’m not ready right now. When I basically asked you to give up everything that night, it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that, and I’m sorry. You still wanted to pursue your career, and I completely respected that, so I started thinking that I should continue to do the same. I want to keep racing, and I know that doesn’t make you happy. I’m going to win the All-Star Showdown, and I’m going to be racing in the majors next year, and I don’t know how you’re going to feel about that. Right now, you barely tolerate racing but at least you allow me to do it. I’m afraid that might change if we got married.”
My eyebrows rose. “You think I’d have more control over your decision to race?”
He barely shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t know if you’d change how you feel, but I know I won’t back down, and I’m sure that would create a lot of tension between us. There’s more at stake when you’re married. And if we have kids... I don’t want to set us up for disaster, Nova. I see these problems with other guys that race, guys who have a wife and kids. It’s tough on some of them. Things are good with you and me. A month ago, I might have eloped with you without a second thought because I realized how much I loved you. But then I began to realize how much I wanted you to finish school, and now racing has really been blown wide open for me. I just think it was meant to be that way. I kept wondering why I was such a moron that night—why I botched a perfectly good moment with you—but now I know it wasn’t the right time for that.”
“And maybe it’s just a test to see how much faith you really have.”
He studied me for a few seconds before asking, “What do you mean?”
“Well, it sounds like you really don’t have much faith in us, Austin. Set us up for disaster? Because there might be something we disagree on?”
“I see it as being more than just a disagreement. Racing is a lifestyle.”
“Even so, you’re afraid of being stuck with me?”
“That’s not true,” he chuckled. “Now you’re just being sensitive.”
“Maybe so. But we’re being perfectly honest here, right? You’re afraid of how marriage will change your life. You don’t want any hassles if you and I don’t work out, just so you can race without anything holding you down.” He made a noise of disagreement, but I continued with, “What? Does it sound even harsher when it’s stated so plainly?”
He shook his head, clearly upset with me, but instead of responding, he walked across the room to gather his thoughts. “I’ve known you for six months. We’ve been dating for...almost four.”
I guess that was supposed to be his point because he didn’t add anything further.
Okay, so in his mind it was too soon, and I guess I considered it to be, as well. Maybe things really had moved faster than we’d both expected, but to me, it was a good thing.
“I’m really sorry,” I finally said.
His face puzzled. “Sorry for what?” He returned to me in the middle of the room. He paused there, waiting for an answer.
“I’m sorry for messing everything up.”
“What do you mean?”
“I realized something today, and I made the mistake of expecting you to be on the same page. I should have held off on this instead of thrown it in your face. I’m sorry. And I should get going. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I gave him a hug and a kiss, and turned to leave.
“Nova, wait.”
“I love you, Austin.”
I think he said something in response but I was already out the door. I was utterly humiliated, and didn’t want him to see me cry. I wiped the moisture from my face as I half jogged across the yard for the barn.
If I could have chosen any one person to run into on the way to my car, I’m not sure who it would have been. At least it wasn’t Dave or Marlo who had to see me upset. I suppose Ben wasn’t much better, but he was the one who just happened to be coming out of the barn. He smiled at first until he saw I was crying, and trying to hide the fact that I was didn’t help.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” I replied, opening the car door right away.
He shut it before I could escape for good, just as I had to wipe away a new set of tears.
“You’re shaking,” he said, taking my hand in his. “What happened?”
“Nothing, I just...”
“You just what? Nova?”
I’d never really seen the compassionate side to Ben, but there it was, waiting for me to share my troubles. I had escaped from Austin so I didn’t have to face anyone with my tears, and now I had to face Ben.
“Just take a deep breath,” he encouraged.
I did just that, and then took another one for good measure. I felt a little more relaxed, and wiped my tears again.
“Now tell me what happened.”
“It’s not something I should be talking to you about. Thanks for your concern, but I just had a little disagreement with Austin.”
“A ‘little’ disagreement? Why are you so upset? It doesn’t seem like anything little.”
“Nova.” A wave of panic hit me when Austin rushed to my car. “What are you doing?” he gruffly asked Ben, pushing him away from me with his arm. “Get the fuck away from her.”
Ben took a step back, holding up his hands to show his compliance. “Take it easy, man.”
“Don’t tell me to take it easy when you’ve got your hands on my girlfriend.”
“Austin.” I grabbed his arm.
He seemed unsure if he was supposed to start a fight with Ben, or argue with me instead, but then he took a closer look at me. “What’s the matter? Nova, why are you crying?” He looked at Ben, who was still standing there, and he growled, “Do you mind?” He turned his back to him.
Ben complied again, and left us alone.
“What’s going on?” Austin asked gently, holding my face in his hands.
It only made me cry more, and I buried my face against him with a muffled, “I don’t know.”
He held me for several seconds, stroking my hair with his hand as he kissed the top of my head. “You just...took off. Why?”
“I’m just having a rough day.”
“I’d say so. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before.”
“And it should have stayed that way,” I grumbled.
I could feel him laugh, but he pulled away from me to see my face. “I don’t like to see you cry,” he said, wiping a stray tear, “but you really don’t need to hide it from me. Let’s go back inside, okay?”
“No, I just...I think I need the drive south to clear my head. I should get going.”
“You’re running again,” he stated. “This has to do with what we were talking about in the house?”
I didn’t reply.
“Nova, I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“Can we not talk about this right now? I’m sorry I totally put a damper on a great weekend, but now I just need some time to shelf some of these hormones.”
“Ooh, hormones. Uh...”
I forced a smile because I was letting him get away with that as an excuse. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Nova...” he said as I opened the car door. “Really? You’re really leaving?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired and...have some things to do before school tomorrow.”
He kissed the top of my head. “All right. Are you sure you’ll be okay driving home?”
I nodded when I got in the car, so he took a step back and watched me drive away. As soon as I hit the end of the driveway, I began to bawl.
And all my little girl heart could dwell on was the fact that Austin didn’t want to marry me.