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“You quit being such a mess,” Gramps growled. “You’ve gone and scared the boy away.”
I groaned. “I know that now. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just living in the moment.”
“That gets people into trouble.”
“Well, Old Wise One. If I’d had you there to head off my stupidity...”
He chuckled, and lightly punched me in the arm. “You’re a smart ass.”
“I learned it from you.”
“Oh, just try to forget about it. Austin is a bright kid. Doesn’t sound like he’s gonna drop you on your ass anytime soon.”
“Thanks, Gramps.”
“He knows how you feel now,” he shrugged. “When he finally realizes it’s what he wants too, it’ll make it that much easier.”
“I just thought he did want that too. How did I get so mixed up?”
“Well, what has he done that’s made you think, ‘Oh, he wants to marry me?’”
I gave him an unhappy scowl, but realized he was being serious. I considered it for a moment. “I guess the phrase ‘future together’ has more than one meaning?”
He contemplated, and then shrugged. “Possibly. But sometimes when a guy talks about having a future with a girl, he could just be saying it to...”
“Keep her around?” I finished carefully.
“Well...”
“You really think that’s what Austin was doing?”
“Noves, I think that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. But you have to respect his feelings when he says he’s not ready. Even if you feel the two of you belong together, he still needs to realize that on his own. Marriage talk can really freak a boy out, ya know? And some boys just aren’t ready to settle down in that way. My advice to you? Just keep dating, sweetheart. Just keep building a solid relationship with him, and the rest will take its course. There’s no rush to get married. Just enjoy what you have.”
I laid my head on his shoulder while we continued to people watch and enjoy the beautiful day at Brookside Gardens.
“Why did he have to throw off my plan, Gramps?”
He laughed and squeezed me tight. “Love doesn’t make sense sometimes. Nor is it convenient.”
“It definitely wasn’t convenient. It actually makes sense, it just should have happened in four years.”
“Then you need to be patient.”
“I just don’t get it,” I rambled on. “I had my life all figured out. I wanted to work, I wanted to finish school, and I didn’t want a serious relationship. I’m trying to be reasonable about this, Grandpa, and I know the logical choice is to continue with school. Who knows where Austin will be this time next year. Well, he plans on racing, that’s for sure. He made that perfectly clear. I mean I can’t change my entire life for the guy, can I?”
“‘Can’ is the optional word here. ‘Would’ is another. Would you be willing to change your life for him, and at what cost?”
“Thanks for adding more to the plate.”
“When he makes a lot of money, could you have him buy me a race horse?”
“You’re not helping.”
“How come?”
I smiled and gave him a nudge. “Because you know how sad I am right now, and you’re being a pain so you don’t have to deal with it seriously.”
“I’ve given you plenty of serious.”
“I know. I’m being a silly girl.”
He got up slowly, holding his back dramatically while he groaned. “Well, I guess I better go take care of this punk.”
“You like Austin more than you like me,” I laughed.
“Bullshit. He’s just a kid, I can whoop his ass.”
“What about your race horse?”
“Oh, yeah,” he replied casually, sitting back down.
“You know, for an old guy, you’re a bit of a bully.”
“The elderly are treated like a minority, gotta stand our ground. And when you’re seventy-five, let me know how it goes for you. But I hope to God I’ll be dead by then.”
I smiled and laid my head against his shoulder again. We talked about Austin a little more that Wednesday afternoon, but in all honesty, I was getting worn out from it because of the emotions involved. I knew I should just forget about my lapse of judgment and move on, but the incident had given me so much anxiety, I was constantly worried about it.
Over the next month, that anxiety gradually dwindled. I guess time really did settle my nerves, and I was content with following the advice to just be patient. I knew I loved Austin, and for the time being, that’s what he needed. I chose to focus on school, reminding myself I had a little bit of time to decide on the future of my education.
In October, I went to Austin’s race up in Roseville, and because his family was there—including the other employees of Harmony Acres—it was an enjoyable day. It was sunny in the mid-seventies, and even though Austin was just getting over a severe cold, he was in pretty good spirits. I think under normal circumstances a person would have been sick for a few days, like I had been, but racing was like an instant cure for him, and he was all smiles before he got into his car that day.
Around the 94th lap, I was listening to Marlo and Clara joke about Austin and the pet goat he had when he was little. Marlo was saying how she missed those days of having little children around the ranch, and I couldn’t help but feel she was hinting around about having grandkids someday. I wasn’t sure what Austin’s parents knew about our relationship, particularly our marriage talk—or the no-marriage talk, rather—but I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it.
As I was watching the race carry on in front of us, I held my breath when the #49 car got way too close to Austin’s rear end again. Austin was currently in first place with two cars trying to pass him, when suddenly the #49 car bumped his tail just before the corner.
“What the—?” I gasped. I think my heart dropped into my stomach.
“Damn it,” Dave growled, while Austin’s car got spun around.
Damn it? That’s all he could say? His car was spinning!
“It’s okay, sweetie,” Marlo said, taking my hand in hers. “He spun into the grass, see?”
I did see, but that didn’t make it any better. The #49 car got out of it scot-free, and he was now in first place.
“Is that even legal?” I asked angrily.
“Yeah, but only a certain type of asshole would attempt to do that right there,” Dave replied.
“That guy was riding his tail the entire time,” I said.
“That’s called drafting. It’s not always a bad play when it’s done right, but it’s dangerous. I can’t believe Marshall pulled off a bump-and-run, though.”
Well, you can only imagine how I was feeling at that moment. Watching Austin’s races were hard enough, but I’d never seen him get hit by another car. I’d heard he had before, but it was different when it was a race I was watching.
Austin’s car ended up back on the track right away. I was upset about that, and wondered why he couldn’t just be done for the day, but he was right back in the middle of the pack after a dozen laps.
By the end of the day, after barely making myself finish watching the race, I wandered down to the track with the family while they congratulated Austin’s eighth place finish. I’ll admit I probably wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as everyone else was, but I did give him a hug and a kiss, telling him I was glad he was still in one piece.
He smiled and said, “Of course I am. It was just a spinout.”
“Just a—”
I chose to hold my tongue. He could tell I was upset though, and when the rest of our gathering left for the parking lot, it was just the two of us.
“I’m sorry that made you worry,” he said.
“Then you’ll be perfectly fine with me skipping the next race, right?”
He seemed surprised, maybe disappointed. “I guess if that’s what you decide. It’s in Phoenix, though. I mean Phoenix International Raceway is...” He sighed. “It’s my last race, Nov. I need you there.”
“Why do you need me there?” I shrugged. “I mean you’re so focused on your races, you are all you need.”
Okay, that was harsh. But Austin seemed to understand how rattled I was, and let it slide. “I thought we were going to have a vacation together. Just the two of us.”
“A vacation? So when should I have the heart attack? On the way there, or during your race?”
He smiled before he wrapped his arms around me. “You’re not going to worry about anything.”
“Right.”
“But if it’s really gonna be that tough for you...don’t go.”
I leaned back to give myself a chance to read him. He seemed indifferent, like he wasn’t so adamant about me being there if I really didn’t want to be. “Is that what you want?”
“No.” He chuckled. “Nova, you don’t want to go to my race so why would I make you? Yeah, I’m disappointed, but I don’t want you to be upset over it. It’s not a big deal. I’m sorry I’ve made you go to as many as you have.”
Truthfully, I wondered if he was just being amiable because he was still on a racing high.
“You didn’t ‘make’ me go, Austin. Let’s talk about this later, okay?” I didn’t like how there were eyes watching us, especially a bleach-blonde girl who seemed to be eyeing my boyfriend intently.
“Sure,” Austin replied. “You’re going to ride home with me, right? ...Nova?”
I brought my attention back to him. “Yes. Yes, I’m riding with you. I’ll wait for you?”
He eyed me curiously, and then glanced the direction I’d been looking. The blonde was still staring at us.
With a tiny smile he said, “Don’t mind her. She’s Grant’s daughter. And like Grant, she has no respect for people’s privacy.”
I eyed her one more time, and then angled myself so Austin’s back was to her and she couldn’t see me. Grant was the owner of the car Austin drove, and even though I liked him, I wasn’t so sure I liked his daughter.
Austin gave me a kiss and then left to meet with his team, but Jeremy Marshall slowed him down with some sort of comment. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Austin barely gave him a response.
When Austin disappeared, Jeremy redirected himself my way. Ever since the first time I met him—when he’d very subtly made a comment about my name and that he’d like to take me for a test drive sometime—I tried to steer clear of him. He used to be Austin’s teammate, but Jeremy started driving for another team two months prior. Austin was pleased about that because he didn’t like the guy.
“Hey,” Jeremy smiled when he approached. “You’ve become a regular at these things, I see.” I didn’t reply, and it only made him smile again. “Well, it’s nice to see loyal fans attend—even if it is for another driver. But if you decide your allegiance might change...”
That made me smile, but I almost laughed. “No thanks,” I said, walking away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” he chuckled, catching up with me. “What’s the rush? I thought we could chat a bit while you wait for your boyfriend.”
“Sorry, got a phone call I need to make.” And with that, I left for the parking lot. There was no way I wanted to spend my time talking to Jeremy Marshall. After the shit he’d pulled on the track, putting Austin in danger like that, I didn’t trust what I’d say to him.
I did make a call on my way, letting Austin know I was going to wait in his car. I was thankful to have a set of keys to his Camaro, so I let myself inside and locked the door—just in case there were other Jeremys lurking about.
I always kept a book in my purse wherever I went, so I’d probably been reading for half an hour by the time Austin sat down behind the wheel. I was a little concerned when he looked upset, but I waited for him to speak first.
“Marshall slither his way into a conversation with you?” he asked.
I scanned his face while he started the ignition. “Austin, don’t let him get to you. He talked to me for five seconds, and I blew him off. That’s why I came to the car.”
He barely nodded, pulling out of the parking space. “Figured as much, which is why I didn’t respond.”
“What did he say?”
“Oh, just that you two had a nice time together, chatting up a storm, or some stupid shit like that.”
I smiled and reached over to take his hand. He returned the smile and kissed my fingers, but I could read Austin well, and knew Jeremy’s first place finish was what bothered him the most. Finally, he did say, “I can’t believe that fucker beat me today.”
I never knew what to say when it came to his races. I usually said positive things in general, but I felt pretty dumb when it came to the sport.
“So, what’s the next race with him going to be like?” I asked.
He glanced at me while we pulled onto Washington Boulevard. “What do you mean?”
“Is he going to pull that crap at the next race? How is purposely hitting another car in a race legal? Is he going to do it again? What if something worse happens? What if you don’t just spin out into the grass next time?”
“Well, I wouldn’t be lucky enough to hit grass in Phoenix. There’s no big grassy area to safely...”
He trailed off when I stared at him with wide eyes.
“Nova—”
“Never mind, I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.
We were both silent when we left Roseville. Normally Austin would keep trying to reassure me, but that time he just let it go. I could tell he was sick of the same conversations we always had about racing. But I loved him and was worried about him. Didn’t I have a right to voice my concerns? I guess I did to an extent, but how many times was I going to discuss something with him that was never going to get me anywhere?
I was sure he wished I would just fake my smiles and enthusiasm about his races until I learned to enjoy them. I wondered if that was his plan. Did he intend on inviting me to the races, hoping I would grow to love it?
I almost got that impression, especially when he would occasionally say things like, “My mom used to throw fits about racing, but now she’s okay with it.” Maybe he was hinting I would learn to be okay with it, too. I didn’t find that likely, but I did understand who Austin was as a person, and I knew racing came with the package.
There was a choice to either let that drive a wedge between us, or just love him entirely for who he was. It really did come down to a decision, and I wanted Austin in my life more than anything. Would I prefer racing to be out of the equation? The immediate answer would be yes. But, if Austin didn’t race cars, would he really be the same Austin?
I didn’t feel equipped to make that call, but I think I knew the answer.