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I wish life had a pause button. It was probably too much to ask to have a rewind button, so I think I’d take pause as a compromise. I guess I don’t know what I’d do with a pause button, though. Maybe use it to stop those “wait, what’s happening right now?” moments. I don’t suppose we’d get the chance to fix anything quickly before life resumed, so I guess it would just be for the sake of preparing ourselves.
March went by extremely fast. My winter semester was over and I was done with my transfer degree, but because I’d decided to get my tech degree instead, there were still three classes I needed to take to complete it. I could still graduate in June, but I was stuck with another semester of schooling. Luckily, one of the classes was available online, so for the other two classes, I traveled south on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
For the most part, Austin had been busy with his new racing team. He’d been picked up as one of the drivers for the #77 car in the NASCAR Nationwide Series, and his days were demanding. I was very excited for him because it was his dream, and everyone should have a shot at his or her dream.
But lately, things between us were strained. We were never at the ranch at the same time because...Austin moved to North Carolina. Yep, his team was located there, and it was the newest setback that racing decided to give me. I knew this ahead of time, which was one of the main reasons I was against him pursuing a racing career, but I really didn’t have a say in it. Austin was happy with his choice, and I did my best to support him.
We still talked on the phone a lot. I got to hear his voice every day, and sometimes we’d video chat. But no matter how much I tried to convince myself of the value in that, I wasn’t happy with it. I missed him more than ever by the end of the month, and even though Austin had arranged for me to travel to a couple of races, it still felt lacking. I enjoyed those two weekends with him, but it wasn’t good enough. It was different when I had traveled to his other races because it just seemed like a short little vacation together, and then we both had “home” to look forward to. Now, I didn’t have him home at all, and although I treasured every moment I had him, my heart felt broken.
It was also different because he wasn’t even competing all the time, but he was just as busy. He was signed on to only compete in a certain number of races during the season, but that didn’t mean he did nothing in between those races. He was just as busy test driving the cars for future races or practicing his skills or strategy for his own race. When he traveled with the team, he was busy morning until night, even if he wasn’t the driver for that competition. I knew it was a new level for him and he was working hard to fit in, so I did my best to encourage and support him as much as I could.
But I still couldn’t truly adapt.
Austin was back in California to race at Fontana on April 3rd. It was good to have him at the ranch for a couple of days, and I even skipped my Thursday classes just so I could spend time with him.
But my time with him seemed really...off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but he didn’t seem like the same relaxed, easy-going Austin I’d always known. I even asked him a lot about racing, just to get him talking about what he enjoyed. It didn’t seem to do any good. I could tell something was amiss but was too afraid to delve into it. I had good reason, too, because I felt Austin’s uneasiness had to do with me, and I feared anything that could possibly jeopardize my relationship with him.
I guess you can only avoid the inevitable for so long. The night before he was to return to North Carolina, he insisted we have a talk. I even tried to talk myself into something positive, like he was just too nervous to ask me to move to Mooresville with him, or even better, to marry him. But he didn’t have that kind of anxiety on his face—it was a different sort, the break up sort, and I couldn’t convince myself to stop worrying because he pretty much got right to the point.
“I think we should take a break from each other, Nova,” he began. When he couldn’t stand the silence anymore—or my gaping, wounded stare—he added, “We should go our separate ways for a while.”
When I finally felt capable of responding, I calmly asked, “And what are your reasons?”
“We...have different paths right now. I’m having a hard time balancing things, and I think I need some space. I can’t focus on my career when I have all this stuff over here to think about, too. And you’ll be heading a new direction too, right? I mean you’ve got your applications to send out, and you need to focus on that right now.”
I had yet to tell Austin I was done with school after the spring. He hadn’t wanted me to quit, and I didn’t want that to get in the way of him focusing on his career.
“Austin, I’ve chosen not to apply for school,” I told him. “It’s not what I want anymore.”
His response confused me. His face was almost expressionless. I’d wondered if he’d always known my choice, but now I couldn’t tell if he did or not. After a long pause he answered, “You need to apply, Nova. Even if you still decide not to accept, you need to apply.”
“Why does it matter?”
“Because it does, okay? It matters. When I met you, you were this career-bound young woman who had everything figured out. You knew what you wanted and how you needed to get it, and you’ve pushed forward without looking back.”
“I didn’t have anything else in my life, Austin. That was something I wanted to attain because I had nothing else. But things change. Goals change. I’ve found something even better. I’m happier.”
“Please, Nova... Tell me you’re not selling yourself short for me.”
“For us.”
“Same thing.”
“No, it’s not. If it’s something that makes me happy, then why is it a bad thing?”
He paused for a few beats. “Because it doesn’t make me happy. It’s not what I want right now.”
Was that Austin finally telling me he was choosing racing over me? Was he finally saying it out loud? I really didn’t understand it. We were happy together. I got along better with him than I ever had with anyone in my entire life. Even with the newest changes around us, I always felt we could make anything work. But now...
“You’re saying you don’t want to have a relationship with me anymore?” I finally asked.
“An exclusive relationship. We’ll always be friends, Nova. But you’re free to date whomever you want, and you’re free to make any decisions without me.”
“Are you telling me that you want to date whomever you want? I mean, I’m sure you get all kinds of women throwing themselves at you. Who wouldn’t want to shop around for a while?”
He scoffed. “I’m not interested in dating anyone right now. That’s kind of the point I’m trying to get across.”
“Then why can’t we just keep things the way they are, Austin? Don’t you have a little more freedom now that we’re apart? You don’t even have to ‘check in’ with me about anything, okay? I’ll give you the space you need just...just don’t pull us apart,” I finished quietly.
“It’s the right thing to do at this point. I need to focus on my career. I’m a part-time driver right now, and I want to earn at least a twenty-race season. I’m sorry, Nova.”
I hated crying, and even though I wasn’t to that point yet, I could feel it coming on. My heart already felt like it was being tightly squeezed, and my stomach was tied up in knots. I kept trying to force down the lump in my throat, and my eyes were fighting back tears. I hated being in such a state, but instead of letting it break me down, I allowed it to make me angry.
“You’re a selfish prick,” I shot back. “I know what this is about, and I guess I saw it coming all along. You’re unbounded, right? You don’t like to be held down. As long as things are going your way, life is good. But the second it becomes difficult—and poor, free-spirited Austin gets held back—it’s time to make some changes. I’m actually surprised you’ve lasted this long, but I guess there have been a few perks along the way, right?”
At first, he was a surprised by my hostility, but then he seemed slightly sympathetic, or at the least, willing to be the peacemaker. “This isn’t about me having a carefree life. It’s about making adjustments along the way. I do love you, and my life with you is great, but if we’re to have any sort of future, we need a little space to make our own decisions for now. I think...I fell in love with you pretty fast. It’s been amazing, and you’re amazing, but I feel like I let myself get swept away in it, you know? I think we just need to slow down so we can take a breath. Both of us. I’m just...choosing to let you go for a little while.”
The way he said that really got under my skin. It was like he had all the power in the world to make any decision he wanted. He thought he could let me go and then take me back whenever he fucking felt like it.
“No, you can’t ‘let me go,’ Austin, because I’m letting you go.”
He was visibly surprised again, and then barely cracked a smile and replied, “Oh, yeah?”
“Yes. You need some time to sow your wild oats, maybe grow up a little.”
He slightly nodded. “All right. I won’t argue with that. Can’t say I’ll grow up any time soon, but I’d be happy to live a reckless life for a while. That is what racing cars is all about, right?”
I could feel my heart thundering in my chest. I wanted it to be out of anger, but I was completely crushed. I didn’t want to let him go, but I felt it truly was what he wanted and I wasn’t going to start blubbering pathetically because he’d broken my heart.
“Okay, then,” I replied, barely nodding my head. “Have a great career, Austin. I hope you enjoy it, but most of all, I hope you stay safe.”
I had to walk away. I left him by the fence at Field Four and headed for the guesthouse. I did hear him say, “I love you, Nova,” but I continued to walk.
The second I shut the door to the house, I started to cry. I barely made it to the stairs before I almost ran into Ben. I was borderline pissed that he had to see me in such a state for the second time, and I wanted to yell at him for it.
“Whoa, hang on,” he said, catching my arm before I ran up the stairs.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled, shoving him away.
He let me go, but I could feel him staring at me until I slammed the door to my room.