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By the time I’d landed at Dallas/Fort Worth, it was eight o’clock. I hadn’t seen Austin for three weeks, and I didn’t know what to expect. My little girl heart was elated, anticipating a happy reunion and possibly a change of heart on Austin’s end.
Although the time with him was everything I’d hoped it would be, he made no mention of getting back together. I was too afraid to bring it up, and I chose not to ask about his marriage timeline, either. I wanted to leave on a good note—without any disagreements or frustration between us—so I avoided the subject entirely.
The following week, I didn’t hear from him. He’d texted me on Monday night to see if I made it home okay, but nothing else the rest of the week. I even called twice, leaving him a message both times. Calling a third time wasn’t something I felt I should have to do, but I did text him about his race in Florida that was coming up in two weeks. I got a response from the text, but apparently he wasn’t willing to talk to me on the phone.
That pattern continued for two more weeks. Austin would reply with a brief text, but he wouldn’t call me back. I still chose to leave him a message every few days, just to be supportive and tell him how much I loved him, but I knew he wasn’t going to call me back. No one else was hearing from him, either.
But it only took a few minutes to make a phone call, so the next time I left him a message, I made sure he knew I wasn’t okay with his lack of communication. He did call me back after that—two days later—but I knew it was only because he barely had time to talk.
“They’re waiting for me to drive this car, Nova, so I gotta go. I just wanted you to know that I’m ‘capable of using a phone,’” he said, repeating a part of the message I’d left.
“Okay, but are you capable of having a conversation with me?”
“Probably not. That’s why I don’t want to talk to you on the phone. I just can’t do it.”
“Can’t do what? Talk to me? You can’t talk about your day, or even tell me what you had for lunch?”
“I can handle that. It’s the other crap I can’t deal with, and it always comes up.”
He meant our relationship, or our “status.”
“Austin, I didn’t bring it up a single time while we were in Texas.”
“And it was amazing. I enjoyed every second with you. But I could tell you wanted to talk about it.”
“Of course I wanted to, but I didn’t. I know how pressured you feel lately with racing. I wasn’t going to add to your stress.”
He didn’t respond, and while I was fretting about how our little grumble was going to turn out, I heard someone talking to him at the same time.
“Yeah, just give me a minute,” he replied to them. “Nova, I need to get going.”
“Austin, I didn’t plan on making you talk about our relationship,” I said quickly. “I just want to hear your voice, to see how you’re doing. I love you, so I want to know you’re okay.”
He paused, and as I sat down in a chair on the guesthouse patio, I rubbed my left temple with my fingers and told myself not to cry.
“I love you, too,” he finally replied. “But it really does stress me out. This is all new to me—racing in this division, all the new things and new people—and I just need to focus for a while. I’m working my ass off, I’m tired, I’m frustrated, and I need to make this season work somehow.”
“So it’s okay to love you and miss you, but I’m just supposed to do it from a distance? You honestly don’t have room for me in your life, do you,” I stated.
I heard another voice speaking to Austin, so I wasn’t surprised when he said, “I really need to go. I’ll, uh, talk to you another time, okay? Bye, Nova.”
He hung up.
Out of frustration, I threw my phone and it landed in Field Four.
I sat there for a minute, unsure how things with Austin had gone so wrong. I knew he had a lot to prove, and this first season with his newest team was crucial to him. I understood all of that. But I didn’t understand why he thought he had to do it without me.
The screen door shut behind me, so I glanced back to see Ben. I had mixed feelings when I saw him. I was glad to see him, but on the other hand, I didn’t desire any type of conversation that had to do with Austin.
I guess I could see how Austin felt whenever he dreaded discussing our relationship.
“Hey,” Ben said.
“Hey. What are you up to?”
He sat in a chair next to me. “Not much right now. Everything okay?”
I slowly shrugged. “Not really, but I don’t want to talk about it.”
He barely nodded. “Do you feel like going to a concert tonight?”
“A concert?”
He nodded again. “A few friends of mine are going to see Brandon Flowers at the Fox.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. You interested?”
“Definitely. I mean if it’s okay that I tag along?”
“Course it is. I invited you, didn’t I? I have an extra ticket.”
“Will your friends mind?”
“My friends?” he chuckled. “Why would they have a say?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Just making sure. What time is the concert?”
“Eight, but we were gonna get something to eat before that. Can you be ready to go in an hour?”
I glanced at my watch. “Sure, I guess so.”
“I mean we don’t have go early if you—”
He stopped short when we both heard a cell phone ringing. He listened so he could tell where it was coming from, and since I was trying not to laugh, he turned to me with confusion.
“Excuse me, but I think someone’s trying to get a hold of me,” I said as I stood. I made my way to Field Four and climbed through the fence railing. My phone had stopped ringing by then, but I picked it up out of the grass just as Ben arrived at the fence.
“Interesting,” was all he said.
“I didn’t exactly like how the last conversation ended.” I shrugged. I stepped through the railing again, and faced him as I stuck my phone in my back pocket.
“Hmm. And I suppose if I ask you about it, you might throw me into the pasture.”
“Nah, I don’t think I could hoist you over the fence.”
“Good. So, what happened on the phone?”
We started walking toward the house. “Guess I’m too much of a burden for Austin to deal with right now. It’s kind of stupid because I can understand where he’s coming from—the whole career thing, and achieving your goals and such—but we just don’t agree on how to make it work. I can’t argue with him anymore because it doesn’t get anywhere, and he’s getting tired of feeling pressured. Even though I wasn’t the one who brought it up,” I added with a groan. “I didn’t say a single word about where we stood when we were in Texas. It was even just like it used to be between the two of us and then he completely shut himself off from me again.”
We both returned to the chairs on the patio, and sat. “What do you mean he shut himself off?”
“He won’t answer my calls, or even call me back. He’ll text me if it has to do with a race, though. And today, he called because of the message I left—pretty much begging him to call me—and it was a shitty conversation. I know he’s busy, but honestly, how hard is it to fit in a five-minute phone call?”
“So now where do you guys stand?”
“How the hell should I know?”
He chuckled. “Well...how do you feel?”
“Pissed. Isn’t it obvious?”
“Yeah, on the outside. But I think that’s just so you don’t let anybody see you’re hurting.”
I eyed him carefully and sighed, knowing he was right. But I didn’t have the strength to get into it. “Well, I’m going to head upstairs and get ready for my date with Brandon.”
He nodded, although I think he was dying to say something about Austin.
I was glad, because I knew I was right on the edge of self-doubt, still trying to convince myself Austin was the problem and not me. But maybe I was the problem. Maybe he was right, and I needed to let go for a while.
Maybe I just didn’t know how to take no for answer.