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When I arrived at the ranch on Thursday night, I found Ben in his room with the door open. He was folding clothes and setting them in his dresser drawers when I told him about Austin’s request.
“Don’t go,” he stated matter-of-factly. He placed a shirt in the top drawer, and when I didn’t respond, he knew I was frustrated. “I’m telling you, Nova... Don’t go.”
“And what do I tell him the reason is? ‘Ben thinks I should play hard to get.’ He’d shit a brick.”
“Good, let him.”
“Ben, I’m being serious.”
“I know you are.” He sighed. “And so am I. I know it’s hard to do, but you shouldn’t go this time. Wait for him to do something nice for you for a change.”
“He treats me incredibly well when we’re together.”
“I don’t want to know what that means, but sure, why wouldn’t he when you make it so easy for him.”
I folded my arms across my chest but didn’t respond. Ben stopped putting his clothes away and faced me.
“You already told him yes, didn’t you?” he asked accusingly.
I couldn’t hide the fact that it was true, so I only shrugged.
“Why’d you even want my opinion then?” he wondered, turning back to his laundry.
“I resisted the urge to say yes, but I couldn’t do it any longer. I agreed to it on my way here.”
“Then call him up and tell him you’ve changed your mind.”
“I’m sure he’s already made the plans.”
“Then tell him to tell whomever it is that booked the flight to cancel it. Not a big loss for him, Nova.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Sure it is. Just send him a text. That is his style, right?”
He shot me a smirk, but I wasn’t amused. Austin was so excited when I said I was coming, and I wanted to ride that wave of optimism as much as I could.
“Well, I hope you’re not too disappointed,” he continued. “I guess that’s kind of my ‘I told you so’ in advance.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”
“I do hope it works out for you, though. I wish you’d take my advice, but I do hope you’re happy.”
“I will be,” I replied arrogantly.
But when I left him for my room, I knew I wasn’t sure. I wanted to be confident about it because I knew Austin and I belonged together, but so many things made me question that every...single...day.
I did meet up with Austin in Vegas that weekend. I couldn’t help it and I just had to see him. Maybe it was weak, but I didn’t feel like playing games with our relationship. I felt honesty was the best route to go, and I didn’t want to hide the fact I was completely in love with him and always would be. Whatever ended up happening, I would know I had tried my best, no matter how many times I got hurt.
But that seemed to be the revolving door anymore. I left Vegas with a broken heart, again, and even though I was also angry at the same time, I really felt too wounded to understand my life. Austin and I had a great weekend, and I felt like we fit so naturally together, but why didn’t he see things the same way I did?
We had a huge fight when I was packing to go home, and even though he always got bent out of shape whenever I wanted to discuss “us,” I brought it up anyway. Avoiding it wasn’t fair to me, and I realized I was letting him take the easy way out.
“What do you mean we’re done?” he asked. He was standing in the middle of the room when I threw my toothbrush into my suitcase.
“I can’t do this anymore, Austin. It’s killing me. And I don’t know if you can see it or not, but I’ve had enough of being your once-a-month girlfriend. I love you, I really do, but until you can value me for more than just a weekend fling, you and I shouldn’t be together. It’s all or nothing at this point, and I’m letting you decide.”
“Letting me decide? Looks like you’re the one making the decision.”
“No, I’m finally standing up for myself. And if you care about me at all, you’d realize this is not a real relationship,” I said, motioning between us. “I’m willing to give you everything I have—everything—and you’re willing to give me two days a month at your own convenience.”
“I thought we agreed to giving each other space?”
“Space? Austin, this isn’t ‘space.’ This is you having things your way. And guess what? I’m not okay with it anymore. I’m tired of being the doormat to your career.”
“Wow, thanks for the support.”
“I support you!” I shouted with disbelief. “I’ve been willing to do anything to support you!”
“Yeah, on the outside.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you say it all—that you support me, and you understand and all that—but you really don’t. You’ve never wanted me to continue racing, Nova. And I’ve always felt that from you, even when you do encourage me or come to my races. Talk about all or nothing, hypocrite. You say you support me one hundred percent, but I’ve never felt that from you.”
I stared at him with disbelief. For one, I was shocked. I most certainly felt like I supported him one hundred percent. No, I didn’t like the fact that he raced cars for a living, but I’d learned to accept it. That was part of loving someone for who they were, wasn’t it?
“Austin, I’m sorry you don’t feel like I support you. Racing scares me, but I love you. I’ll take it all, whether it’s comfortable for me or not. I would never take that away from you. And you’ve never given me a chance to show my support entirely. Instead, you pull us apart and move away on your own—”
“You’d never live in North Carolina.” He scowled.
I paused to measure his words. “That’s not your decision to make. And yes, I certainly would if you had asked.”
He didn’t reply, which led me to believe he definitely wasn’t going to ask now.
“I need to get going,” I mumbled, shoving the clothing down in my suitcase so I could zip it. “Let me know if you change your mind about us because I love you, and I choose you over anything else.”
I grabbed my bag and headed for the door, but Austin said, “Wait. Nova...”
I turned around to face him, and he just stood there, seemingly indecisive.
“I’m not kidding,” I told him resolutely. “It’s all or nothing. I can’t keep doing this to myself.”
“What about school?”
That was the last thing I expected him to ask about.
“What about school?” I frowned. “I’m done in two weeks and then I’ll be living at the ranch full time.”
“So you’re not applying?”
“For vet school? No. And I’ve told you that how many times?”
Since he didn’t respond, I made another attempt for the door.
“You need to apply,” he finally said quietly, sitting down on the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees, and sighed. “Please, Nova. Even if you think you’re not going to go, will you just apply? You have to at least know you got in, okay? Can you please do that?”
I really didn’t understand his obsession with school. I knew he didn’t want me to sell myself short, but his persistence made me think about the next four years of his future. He didn’t want to get married, and I felt like he was just trying to occupy my time with something else to make himself feel better.
“I’ll think about it,” was all I said, and I walked out the door.