Scanning through the messages on my phone frantically, I find myself completely unable to relax and sleep. Brad is starting to sound really scary, and I think I should probably answer his next phone call. Maybe I can pacify him, and tell him I just needed a break and that I was going to visit my sister. Maybe I can soothe the beast before he does something crazy.
My phone displays that Brad is calling, and my thumb is about to slide to answer when a large body slips into bed with me and wraps its arms and legs around me. I look down at Owen in surprise, and find that he is so drunk that he is already fast asleep. “Owen?” I say softly. “Are you going to marry her?”
“Mmmhmm,” he says sleepily, and I’m pretty sure he has no idea what I’m saying.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I ask him with concern.
“Mmmhmm,” he mumbles again, snuggling closer.
I roll my eyes in frustration. Brad’s call has gone to voicemail, and I’m fairly sure that he’s in the middle of leaving me a threatening or frightening message. I shudder at the memory of his last few messages, and lean my head to the side to rest it against Owen’s. Another phone call causes my phone to light up, but this time, it isn’t Brad. The display shows Lauren and I slide my thumb across to answer.
“Hey, Lauren?” I say in surprise. “This is pretty late for you to be calling me.”
“God, Carm. Oh my god, what are you getting yourself into? If you are anywhere near that man, run. Just drop everything and run.”
Pushing Owen off me, I sit straight up in bed. “What are you talking about?” I whisper hoarsely.
“I finally found something on Brad. I found something big.”
“I thought you stopped following him?”
“No way. I know how important this is to you.”
“It is. It was. I’m trying to take a break. I was getting a little obsessed, Laurie, and it was taking over my life.”
“Carm, please forget about this mission of yours. This guy is bad news, and I don’t want you anywhere near him. Please, please, please. You’re too special to be throwing your life away chasing madmen.”
“I’m safe right now. I’m staying at my sister’s cabin out in the mountains of Pennsylvania. I’m not even in New York.”
“Thank god. Stay away as long as you can, and let me take care of this guy. I’m going to call the cops and alert them that you’re in danger, and tell them everything I know. Just don’t come home. Don’t put yourself within a hundred-mile radius of this guy. I’m serious, doll.”
“Lauren,” I say breathlessly. “God, you’re scaring me. What did you find?”
“Do you really want to know?”
Owen stirs beside me, and he realizes that I’m talking on the phone. “No,” he tells me, swatting at the phone drunkenly. “Don’t talk to him, Carm. He’s a bad guy. Just relax and sleep with me. Be happy and drunk with me in the pretty forest.” A sleepy smile takes over his face.
I shake my head in both shame and adoration. “No,” I tell Laurie softly. “I don’t think I should know. It might make me want to go back to New York and try harder to stop him.”
“Well, doll. On the bright side, my information might make it easier for you to stop him. I think that if we use what I’ve got, we can put him behind bars. But I don’t need you to help me right now—I need you to stay safe. I can get this started on my own, if you want?”
I run over the options in my mind. Do I need to take him down myself? Is it okay if someone else does it? I look down at Owen, and think about his feelings. He’s strictly forbidden me from communicating with Brad, and while I do think he has my best interests at heart, I also think it’s important to finish what I’ve started.
“Let me sleep on it, Laurie,” I tell her softly. “I don’t know what to do. Let me give you an answer in the morning.”
“Okay, doll. Call me whenever you can. I’ll be waiting.”
Hanging up the phone, I am surprised that Brad didn’t manage to call three or four times while I was talking to Laurie. I put the phone aside, and move back to lie down beside Owen. I reach up to gently trace his jaw with my fingers. He catches my fingers in his hand, and kisses them. His eyes snap open, and he smiles at me.
“You’re beautiful, Carm.”
“So is your girlfriend,” I tell him softly.
He yawns and stretches. “I broke up with her, remember?”
“Owen. You’re not being real with me. It’s scaring me. Am I just a momentary fling to you?”
He lifts himself up onto his elbow and stares at me in the dark. “You really don’t know, do you?”
“No,” I whisper. “I don’t know anything.”
“Haven’t we been really happy these past few days?” he asks me.
“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean you’re not going to go back to her.”
Owen chuckles softly, sliding over me so that his body is positioned directly on top of mine. “You’re a stupid girl, Carmen.” He places little butterfly kisses along my collarbone and up my neck, before moving to kiss me directly on the lips.
It’s funny how he calls me stupid, but at the same time, it sounds like he’s telling me that I’m his favorite person on the planet. I guess we’re all pretty stupid, in our own particular ways. The magic of life is finding someone whose stupidity is somehow comforting and endearing.
As Owen drunkenly kisses me, I wrap my arms around his neck. “Hey,” I say softly. “I think I’m ready.”
He looks at me with sudden fear. “Are you sure? No way. You’re just saying that because of what Caroline did.”
“No, Owen. I’ve wanted you so badly, for so long. I just can’t take it anymore. All the waiting. Will you please just...?”
“You’re supposed to wait until your six-week postpartum checkup,” he whispers. “They have to examine you to make sure that you won’t get any infections or anything.”
“Well, why don’t you give me my postpartum checkup?” I suggest in a naughty tone, sliding my hands down into the waistband of his pants. “Let’s play doctor.”
“Carm,” he says hoarsely, letting his forehead fall against mine with a groan. “I am really drunk right now, and I don’t trust myself. I’m not going to let this be our first time. Caroline just showed up and—I’m a mess. I could hurt you.”
“Owen, I’m fine. I was mostly fine even when that stuff with Brad happened—it only hurt because I was scared, and completely dry, and he was so rough. I didn’t want it to happen at all, but I want this to happen. With you.”
Moving off me and falling to the side, Owen takes several deep breaths. “Carm,” he says quietly. “You always remember your first time with someone. I don’t want you to remember this night. This is not my best moment ever. I promise that I’ll make it up to you soon, okay? Now c’mere,” he says, stretching out his arm. “I want cuddles.”
“Okay,” I say, trying to hide the hurt in my voice. I move to his side and rest my head on his shoulder. At first, this sexless relationship was novel and exciting, but now it just feels like he doesn’t really want me. It seems like all men insist on either being far too rough, or far too gentle. There is never anything in between.
The truth is that I probably was asking for sex for the wrong reasons. I wanted reassurance that he wasn’t going to go back to Caroline, and I wanted him to give me pleasure to distract me from my anxiety with Brad. It doesn’t help that my little sister is in the next room with Liam, and I have been jealously listening to their bed creaking every night with their newly-engaged enthusiasm. Or it might be my sister’s newly-pregnant hormonal passion. Either way, they’re happy, secure, and in love. I’m not.
I’m starting to feel like I might just be a phase to Owen. Just a passing fascination.
I’m not completely sure, but part of me doesn’t want to find out.
I think I want to jump off the ship before I can find out whether or not it’s going to sink.
Because I’m in no condition to handle any sinking right now.