Can you look without the voice in your head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?
Eckhart Tolle
Passing judgment on another person's perspective, opinion, suggestion, appearance, or behavior is an act of separation. Some might consider it an attack that results in the disharmony that is at the core of human frailty and the ultimate unease of our communities. That the community, like the individual, is affected makes sense, but the disharmony can't be contained to the few. It eventually spreads throughout the country too, like a dreaded epidemic. We can sense this lack of harmony every time we turn on cable television or talk radio. The voices are often shrill, argumentative, or downright belligerent. And the retorts often match them in volume and vitriol.
If we want to experience peace in our lives, and this is the choice I have made, we have to be vigilant against adding to the disharmony all around us. We do this through adopting a number of simple practices. The first one, and perhaps the easiest one that comes to mind, is “stepping aside” rather than letting our minds, coupled with our actions, become engaged with others in a negative way. Getting caught up in someone's negative behavior, inadvertently absorbing his or her negative opinions, is a choice. It may be a passive choice, but it's a choice nonetheless. However, we can choose to look the other way, or at the very least, move our minds away from the “chaos” and say nothing. When seriously practiced, this is not a difficult choice.
The choice for peace, rather than judgment, is worth the effort we give it.
Unbridled negativity of any kind can give birth to unnecessary and unkind judgment of our fellow travelers. We forget, in the moment that the conflict has arisen, that we are “companions by choice,” not by accident. We share the stage to learn from one another, not to sit in judgment of one another. It's good that our companions have, and freely share, opinions that we don't embrace ourselves. We are stretched by our willingness to be tolerant of the viewpoints of others. I have come to treasure the fact that people unlike me have been great teachers of tolerance, patience, acceptance, and finally, love. Who would have ever guessed that love could be one of the gifts owing to our differences?
Being with our teachers every moment of every day provides the opportunities we need to practice acceptance rather than judgment, a crucial practice if we want to be comforted by the interactions we experience, rather than set on edge. Acceptance of others, all situations, and every experience helps to heal our individual wounds, which in turn heals the wounds of humankind. Acceptance, practiced at a profoundly deep level, is the solution to the angry discourse that has infected the human community.
Our teachers are everywhere. When we allow them to be present, free of our judgment, this propels us to a new understanding of acceptance first, then peace.
Dysfunctional families live in a maelstrom of judgment, which infects every situation facing each family member throughout the day. Carl's home life was a perfect example of this intense turmoil because of the extremely negative dominance of Carl's dad. His dominance weighed heavily on family members, but no one was affected as gravely as Carl, whose spirit was nearly extinguished in childhood. Had it not been for a loving wife who masterfully reignited his dying spirit in the early years of their marriage, Carl might have succumbed to an early death.
It's far too easy to dismiss the impact judgment can have on a person's psyche—his interior spaces. When the judgment is constant, as was the case in Carl's home, emotional exhaustion sets in, and the drive to succeed at anything is diminished. As mentioned in an earlier chapter, Carl had no drive to excel in school or on the job when first employed. However, being fired was the catalyst that opened new doors and propelled Carl to succeed in a new town, at a new job, giving him the freedom to be who he really was: a soft, gentle soul who didn't want to live in a state of conflict with anyone. His wife's demonstration of acceptance was his model for change.
And what did she do exactly? Carl said she showered him with loving gestures every day; she encouraged him to “stretch” on the job; she complimented his achievements, even small ones; and she made sure he knew how very much she loved him as he was. In no small measure, Amy helped to heal the very deep wounds that had been tearing at him since childhood. Carl couldn't fully express his debt of gratitude to her, but he tried. You couldn't possibly miss the signs of affection that passed between them.
Dysfunctional families practice so many unfavorable behaviors, scathing judgment being only one of many, that it's nearly unfathomable that folks can rise, as they do, to become people of great charm and achievement, committed to persevering towards specific goals, and determined to develop and reveal qualities that were foreign to them in their family of origin. One wonders how this is even possible. After years of reflection, I've come to believe that actually, everything is possible because of the presence of a God of our understanding who simply awaits our call for help. And having learned that the solution to any problem is being willing to accept every moment as perfect and orchestrated by God for the growth relieves us of any fear that might linger in the recesses of our minds. Acceptance simply changes every mountain into a tiny hill—one that we can climb with grace and strength and joy.
I observed acute powers of acceptance in every interviewee for this book. And I knew within moments of beginning the interviews that each person had lived in an environment bereft of acceptance. When fear is the basis of family dynamics, acceptance can't find fertile ground for development. Acceptance must take root in the right circumstances, from a base of love rather than fear.
Acceptance is the quiet solution to every unwelcome circumstance or person that can't be changed or controlled—in a family, a community, a country.
In a family environment that is severely judgmental, one of the many good qualities that we can develop is an eagerness for acceptance. It's fascinating to me that the lack of acceptance I lived with in my family of origin propelled me to demonstrate my acceptance of folks who were quite unlike the family in which I was reared. Was there a connection? I think yes. The more judgment I felt, the more I wanted to establish that I was making different choices, and this is not unusual. In fact, many of my interviewees expressed the same willingness to be extremely accepting of others.
Marilee comes to mind again. She amazed me with her profound expression of quiet acceptance. It was not only her family of origin that she found difficult to survive, but her marriage too. She went from the frying pan into the fire, as the saying goes. And yet she held her head high and never lost the grace with which she had been blessed. She allowed others to be who they were called to be, and acceptance became second nature to her. It was either that or be miserable all the time.
Because Marilee's family was steeped in alcoholism, and other “isms” too, it chose to be insulated from the outer world. Not wanting others to see inside the family is not uncommon when the system is as diseased as hers was. A dysfunctional family seems to know, at some level, that something is wrong in how they function; they know enough to want to hide it, but simply don't know how to change it. Nor do they really desire to change it. And yet, there is often that one family member who says, “I want something different. I want out.” This breaks the system. The one who steps outside of it often becomes a pariah, however. This was the case for Marilee, who chose to marry someone whose behavior and opinions were consistent with her birth family. It is frightening to choose to plant yourself too far from the family tree.
Making a different choice about how to experience the rest of your life is a common theme in a survivor's journey.
Observing her from afar for many months before seeking to interview her, I saw how committed Marilee was to the fullest expression of acceptance. Her acceptance was real and total. Although she had never felt accepted in her family of origin, she developed the willingness to let them be who they were. Her love for them, as they were, was sincere. But her involvement with them was selective. She made sure she had an escape plan when a visit was necessary. This was a common thread among the survivors I interviewed. Regardless of how accepting they were, having a ready excuse to leave a setting became mandatory. It's unfortunate to need an escape plan, but knowing what's tolerable and what isn't is a sign of growth.
Every man and woman I interviewed had developed the skill of acceptance to one degree or another. Acceptance was essential to their survival in their families and in the world around them. One has to finally give in to acceptance in order to find even a modicum of peace. Few give in before they have explored all other avenues, however, and that's only reasonable. The one person I spoke with on many occasions who fought giving in harder than most was William.
William, if you will recall, grew up with extremely distant parents to whom he felt no real connection, and a sister who didn't choose to be his confidant either. He felt unattached to all of them, and lost in the family dynamic of unexpressed concern about him or his interests. Fortunately, their lack of interest in him didn't sway him from a commitment to succeeding. During our interview, he wondered out loud if that commitment was designed to get a response from one or both parents. It didn't—they remained aloof and disinterested. Fortunately for William, a teacher or two took notice of his skills, and he got what he craved—attention.
William got that attention in full measure from his first wife, but after her untimely death, wife number two came with her own set of problems. William found it hard to empathize or understand her alcoholism. He had not yet honed the practice of acceptance.
Acceptance doesn't develop naturally for most of us. It grows out of years of frustration, coupled with the kindness of someone who can demonstrate its value to us.
But because he and his second wife had given birth to two children, William found it necessary to make some adjustments to their home life. A man who never looked for help from others (because it was a sign of weakness) was suddenly at a loss. In seeking help, he felt he would be succumbing to a level of weakness that would never have been tolerated in his family of origin. Nonetheless, his love for his children convinced him it was worth it. He wasn't quick to accept the situation at home, and he wasn't keen on it. But he was determined, applying the same determination to excel that he had in sports and schoolwork in his youth.
Determination comes in handy when we are faced with new challenges. I observed this in all of the interviewees for this book. No one was going to suffer defeat. Everyone was absolutely certain that determined perseverance was the key to survival. Being determined to accept others “where they live” is the key to a peaceful journey.
Accepting others, regardless of their opinions, their behaviors, and their prejudices moves all the members of the human community to a higher plane of existence.
Being “taught” through the guidance of our sponsors and the wise voices in our twelve-step meetings to accept others where they are is one of the finest gifts any one of us can receive. It's likewise quite possibly one of the finest gifts we can model for others. Each time we model it, it roots itself more securely in our psyche.
Choosing acceptance over judgment requires a shift in perception that every peace-filled person has made at some time in his or her life. Memories of my interviews with Nettie jump to my mind. As you will recall, her husband never quit drinking, but she went from being a woman who laughingly said she contemplated homicide to one who expressed the giddiness of constant joy. Even after forty years in Al-Anon, nothing at home changed. But everything in her psyche did. That everything boiled down to one concept: acceptance. She opened her mind to the idea of letting her husband be who he was called to be. And she went on living her life, too.
Acceptance of your fellow travelers has the power to change the journey for everyone you meet today. Its power isn't restricted to just the interchange between two individuals. It permeates the encounters both of these individuals have with everyone else too, and travels through additional encounters as well. Every good exchange is paid forward. No one, absolutely no one, is left untouched when it comes to the effect of a change such as this.
Because acceptance is such a powerful antidote to every anxious moment and every potential conflict, I can't express strongly enough what the practice of acceptance would do for the unrest that circles the globe. Perhaps it seems naive to believe that what I say or do here in Minnesota affects someone in Bangladesh, but that's what I believe. And I'm in good company. Some of the wisest spiritual thinkers share my views. Look to the writings of Deepak Chopra, for instance, or the words of the Dalai Lama. Turn to the popular writings of Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson. Even Oprah Winfrey believes that what we do to one travels on to many. Therefore, fully accepting one person, totally allowing one person's faults and foibles, grants acceptance to many others too. What an accessible gift for us and our traveling companions.
Acceptance is the gift that keeps on giving.
Finally, let me return to Allison's story. If you recall, Allison was the first to get sober in her large, Irish Catholic alcoholic family. She paved the way for many to follow, including her father. She also paved the way by providing a powerful demonstration of acceptance. Allison embodied acceptance not only of the reactions of the others in her family when she chose to blow the whistle on them, but also of her dire diagnosis of pelvic cancer—a prognosis that left her disabled for life, a few years into her recovery.
My interview with Allison stunned me. As she sat, gently composed in her wheelchair, she talked about what it had been like to grow in acceptance of the many changes she had undergone. Not only has she lost her capacity to walk, but she has also lost her capacity to move freely, even inside her own home. Having young boys at home when this life-altering condition surfaced meant she couldn't be the soccer mom, the room mother, the scout leader. She was different from all the other moms, and her boys resented it at times. Her response was simply to show up in every setting with as much gusto as possible. Acceptance—theirs and hers—didn't come easy. But it came.
And now she represents to hundreds of others who see her in recovery rooms every week, at family functions, and elsewhere, that we are never down without our consent. If ever there was anyone who had a reason for justified resentment, coupled with negative judgment over life's unfair turn of events, it's Allison. But that's not who she is. She shines with a great attitude and a matching sense of humor. Acceptance is the key. She's quick to sing the praises of acceptance, too.
Nothing can hold us back; nothing can hinder our progress for long, if we commit ourselves to developing an attitude of acceptance.
After nearly four decades on the recovery path, I am more firm in my belief now than ever before that nothing happens in our lives by accident. And this belief has made it possible for me, and for the many resilient people I interviewed, to look at our lives as whole, perfect in every way, and sustainable. This belief paves the way to complete acceptance. Had we not been born into heavily dysfunctional families, perhaps our resilience would not be as strong. There is a prize in every box of cracker jacks, if you look for it. There is success within every endeavor if you allow for it. There are miracles around every corner, if you look for them with an open heart and an expectant mind. The offspring of dysfunctional families know these truths to be self-evident.
Before moving ahead with the next growth opportunity owing to our upbringing in a dysfunctional family, let's review all the good stuff that was offered in this chapter. Any one of these keys is life-altering.
The choice for peace, rather than judgment, is worth the effort we give it.
Our teachers are everywhere. When we allow them to be present, free of our judgment, this propels us to a new understanding of acceptance first, then peace.
Acceptance is the quiet solution to every circumstance or person that can't be changed or controlled—in a family, a community, a country.
Making a different choice about how to experience the rest of your life is a common theme in a survivor's journey.
Acceptance doesn't develop naturally for most of us. It grows out of years of frustration, coupled with the kindness of someone who can demonstrate its value to us.
Acceptance is the gift that keeps on giving.
Nothing can hold us back. Nothing can hinder our progress for long if we commit ourselves to developing an attitude of acceptance.
Judgment and acceptance are opposing forces. Whichever one we cultivate will decide the kind of day we will experience; the kind of future we can expect; the kind of relationships we will enjoy; the kind of legacy we will leave behind. Our life is the sum total of every idea we treasure and every action we take. We decide who we are, how we will be recalled, what will be said about us, and what, finally, will be remembered about us. Let's make sure we'll find pleasure in what we leave behind.