Billie Trevors. First thing on a Monday morning. Trouble.
Billie’s not trouble to me because she’s so bad. She’s not even trouble because she’s one of those kids I can’t relate to. She’s trouble because she’s one of those kids I can’t stop relating to.
The first time I saw her, I thought, That can’t be her. They’d all been going on about what a monster she was, the fights, the beatings she’d given. And then in comes this girl, scowling away like Dennis the Menace, this black cloud hanging over her. Well, I’d seen that scowl before. That wasn’t anger. That was her way of trying not to cry. So, you see, Billie broke my heart the first time I saw her. Then I read her history and she broke my heart all over again, and she’s been breaking it ever since.
You can’t let that happen in this line of work. You can love ’em in the office but not at home, my old supervisor told me. But there’s always a back door to your heart, isn’t there? And Billie will find a way whether you want her there or not.
Billie has to be hard because she’s so soft. It’s the only way she can survive. That’s why she breaks my heart. In that little girl beats the biggest heart you’ll ever find. If only people knew. If only she knew.
That’s what I’m for. To try and show her that inside she’s brimming over with love.
She came in, white as a sheet. Scowling away like the devil. Trying not to cry.
‘Welcome back, Billie,’ I said. I didn’t go and hug her – not yet. I can imagine how she felt – she’d just blown everything we’d been working towards in the space of twenty-four hours. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I ran round the table to hug her straight off, would I?
‘So.’ I ruffled up her notes. ‘You really hit the jackpot this time,’ I said. ‘Lost your foster home and excluded from school in just one day. It’s got to be a record.’
She gave me a half smile. ‘You told me if I had to fight, keep it out of school. So I did … out of my school anyway,’ she said.
‘Don’t be clever, Billie. I didn’t tell you to start the Third World War, did I? According to this there were over fifty kids involved.’
‘That many?’ She laughed.
‘Well, Billie, I don’t find it funny. Three people were hospitalized during your little bit of fun, one of them quite seriously. How do you feel about that?’
She pulled a face. I was genuinely annoyed. It’s one thing to get carried away, to lose it. But she’d been planning this all that day.
‘Sorry,’ she said. I waited. That wasn’t what I asked her. ‘Not good,’ she said at last. She tried to meet my eye, but couldn’t.
I hadn’t finished yet. ‘It’s what you wanted, to come back here, isn’t it? Is that what this was about? Are you taking a chance on Jim letting you in?’
‘No! I was trying. I was cutting down on the fights. I was on a diet.’
‘Billie, a fight diet is still fighting.’
‘It’s not easy. They all want a pop because I have a reputation.’
I relented a little. Gave her a sympathetic smile. ‘Yeah, Billie the Kid, that’s you.’
‘Billie the bloody Kid,’ she said, and she pulled the most terrible scowl you ever saw. It almost bent her face in half. It was that hard for her not to cry.
I expect you thought I was being nice to her when I made that little Billie the Kid joke. Well, I wasn’t. If there’s one sure-fire way to get to Billie, be nice to her when she’s in trouble. She can’t bear it.
‘So what happened at home?’ I asked, when she looked as if she could speak again.
She was furious again at the mere thought. ‘The stupid cow only got an armed-response unit round! Can you believe that? An armed-response unit! For God’s sake!’
‘Billie, she must have been really scared to do that.’
‘She had no business. I did what you said. When I felt myself losing it I went upstairs.’
‘So what went wrong?’
‘She said … she said about my mum …’ said Billie, and her little face bent in half again.
A thought. Where are we – end of April?
‘It’s her birthday about now, isn’t it?’
Billie stared at me, eyes brimming over, utterly unable to speak. I checked my notes. Mum’s birthday the week before.
Oh, Billie.
‘Did you see her, love?’
Billie shook her head and glared.
‘Ah, love.’ She can cope with a lot, but say anything against her mum and she’s gone. It was her mum’s birthday and she never even saw her.
No kid should have to put up with hearing their mum being slagged off, especially by their carer, but you just can’t blow up like that because someone says things, no matter what they say. ‘Mrs Barking shouldn’t have said things about your mum, Billie, but it’s still no excuse for going off like that,’ I told her. ‘You scare people, Billie, and scared people go for right for where it hurts. You have to learn to walk away from it.’
Billie scowled. ‘Yeah, it’s always me that has to walk away, isn’t it? Anyhow, there’s nothing to walk away from now. She chucked me out, didn’t she?’
‘Barbara hasn’t said she won’t have you back.’
Billie’s eyes bulged. ‘After what she did to me? Put me in the nick? Had the armed police out after me? I wouldn’t stay with her again if it was the last place on earth.’
‘Billie …’
‘Forget it! She’s a lying bitch!’
‘No.’
‘She tells lies!’
‘No …’
‘She does!’
‘What happened last time, when you smashed that window in and punched him, what’s his name …’
‘Dan.’
‘Dan. You punched him in the nose.’
‘I broke it ’n’all.’
‘… because she …’
‘Because she lashed out at me, the cow. She had a go first – don’t forget that!’
‘So you broke Dan’s nose …’
‘I should have done hers. It was her asking for it, not him.’
‘And what happened?’
‘No …’
‘What happened? What did she say after? Well?’
Billie started writhing around in her seat. She knew where this was going. ‘She said sorry,’ she growled eventually.
‘She said sorry. OK, listen. You promised not to have any more fights …’
‘People keep having a go! At least two of those fights I was stopping other kids from having a go at this new kid.’
‘No difference. Mrs Barking is at the end of her tether, Billie. You’ve smashed your room, how many times? Four, five in the last year? You swore on everything that’s holy, no more fights, and you’re still having loads. So, yes, she loses it every now and then and goes a bit over the top …’
‘Over the top? Goes hysterical!’
‘Yeah, all right, hysterical. And do we know anyone else like that? Someone sitting right here in this room, for instance, who has a tendency to overreact? And beat people up and smash things to pieces. Fair bit worse than her, I’d say.’
Billie stared at me with her face as white as chalk, at the sheer effrontery of being put in the same class as Barbara Barking.
‘And despite all this,’ I went on, ‘she still hasn’t chucked you out. What does that show? Come on, Billie, tell me – what does that show?’
Billie, who had been writhing about, slapping the table and kicking her feet, slumped down in her chair. Her eyes were like pools of tar.
‘What does it show, Billie?’
‘Commitment,’ she whispered.
‘Commitment. Right.’
I waited a bit while she got herself together.
‘You’re a hard person to live with, Billie – you know that. She overreacts – you know that. But she wants you back. She must love you to do that. So cut her some slack, will you?’
‘I’m not going back there!’
‘You don’t want to go back because it’s easier to run away. But this is what it’s about – going forward with what you’ve got. So. You’ll go, right.’
Another long wait. At last, though, she nodded. ‘But I don’t want to, right?’
‘Good girl, Billie. You are getting there.’
‘How can you say that? I screwed everything up,’ she moaned, and then the tears began.
‘She wants you back. You’re trouble, but she knows you’re worth it. That’s because you are worth it, Billie.’
Billie pulled one of her ugliest faces – and she has some beauties. But she didn’t deny it.
‘So,’ I went on. ‘That’s one good thing that’s come out of all this, Billie. And another one is – have you seen Jim?’ I asked her.
‘No, I came straight up.’
‘You better go and have a word as soon as we’re done here. You’re not supposed to be back in here after what happened last time – you know that.’
She stared at me, scared out of her life. ‘Am I down the LOK?’ she begged.
She’d had enough. I shook my head. ‘No. No, you’re not. You will be if anything happens again, Billie. There’s only so much he can do.’
‘Oh, top! He’s letting me back in?’
‘He’s putting his neck out for you, Billie.’
‘Oh, that’s great – I thought I was down the LOK. He won’t regret it and you won’t neither. Honest, I’ll be so good, I really will.’
‘Billie – the fights have to stop. I mean, really. No diets. A total, complete stop. All you have to do is lift one finger to anyone in this building and you’re out so fast you’ll get skid marks on your underpants. Right?’
She nodded. ‘I know you’ve all put your necks out for me, letting me back in. I’m really grateful.’
Time for a little encouragement. ‘You are doing well, Billie. But you have to go just that little bit further.’
‘I like it here. You know that.’
‘Right, then. No fights. Do we have a deal?’
She nodded. But … I don’t know. It was like she was losing interest. She started twisting in her chair and biting her nails and looking around.
‘What?’ I asked her. She shook her head. ‘No, tell me. What’s the problem?’
Billie looked at me and pulled a face. ‘Time for a little encouragement, wasn’t it?’ She watched me dither – she’s so sharp, that girl! ‘Yeah, I know,’ she went on. ‘I’ve done all those personal-development sessions – I know what you’re doing. And you know what, Hannah? You’re good at it. You get me on track and make me feel more in charge of myself. But – you do it for me, and then you do it for the next kid who comes through the door as well. And the next kid, and the next and the next. And if a better job offer comes, you’ll move. You’ll go. They all go in the end and you’re no different, are you? I don’t blame you,’ she added when I tried to speak. ‘Why should I blame you for taking the trouble? It’s good of you. It’s just that – that’s as good as it’s going to get for me, isn’t it? A good professional. That’s what you are. A good professional. Aren’t you?’
Oh, Billie.
I nodded. ‘I hear what you’re saying,’ I said. ‘I know I’m not your mum and I’m not your family and I never will be. I’ll tell you what, though, Billie. No, Billie, no, look at me …’
She was turning her head and getting up to leave. And suddenly, suddenly, I was furious. Furious for her – I’m used to that. Furious with her – I was used to that too. But this time I was furious with myself for some reason. Don’t ask – I don’t understand it myself. I didn’t even know what I was doing or what I was going to say. I ran round the table and grabbed hold of her and spun her round to face me.
‘Don’t touch me!’ she yelled. She flushed red and I knew I was in trouble, but I wasn’t going to stop, not now.
‘You listen … you listen … Billie! Billie!’ She was doing her best to get away and I had to grab her in both hands. I’m no fighter. She could have floored me, but she didn’t. That’s all the encouragement I had, but I went on.
‘You will hear me. Because I AM going to be here for you. This is personal. I’m not going anywhere until you’re back on your feet, not for money and not for love. Do you understand me, Billie?’
She was seething, crying, raging, I don’t know. She shoved me away and turned to go again, but I dragged her back.
‘Don’t you dare turn your back on me! Don’t you bloody dare! I do believe in you. Do you understand? I’m not. Letting. You. Go.’
There was a pause. Billie was panting. Her face had gone as white as a sheet. And you know what? I was the one who was crying.
I let go of her to wipe my eyes.
‘There, look what you’ve done now,’ I said. I dabbed at my eyes and wiped them on my sleeve, there were tears everywhere. Billie stood there glaring at me. Dennis the bloody Menace. I knew she was fighting as hard as she could not to cry, not to run and not to tear me to pieces all in one go. One of them was going to happen and at that moment, neither of us knew which it was going to be.
‘I’ve never said that to anyone before, not to any man, not to anyone,’ I told her. ‘So don’t you let me down. Don’t you dare. Don’t you bloody dare let me down!’
Billie stood there heaving a moment longer, then she turned and ran out of the room, slamming the door. The whole room shook. I stood there trying to catch my breath. I mean – unprofessional or what? Jim would kill me if he found out I’d said that to one of the kids.
I went back to my desk to try and clean myself up. I don’t wear much make-up, so it wasn’t such a disaster, but even so it was a few minutes before I felt fit to face the world. I was just getting better, when the door creaked open.
‘Hello?’ I called. No one appeared.
That door’s never done that before.
‘Hello?’ I called again. ‘Billie?’
There was no reply. Cautiously, I went over to have a look. The door opened a little more until I could see a hand just holding it open. I got close and then stopped. And a voice – the tiniest, tiniest little voice you ever heard – whispered to me.
‘I love you, Hannah.’
And then I took another step … and then there were feet running away up the corridor.
I ran to the door, just in time to see her running round the corner. ‘Billie!’ I shouted. ‘I love you too!’ But she wasn’t there to hear it.
There was a kid in the corridor staring at me. I grinned like an idiot and stepped back into the office.
I was that close!
Yeah, well, maybe. But with Billie I’ve often felt that. She’s right there, in the palm of my hand – and I close my hand and she’s gone. She can love – she can’t stop herself loving. But she can’t ever believe that anyone can really love her back. That’s her problem. Not loving – being loved. She has to let herself into someone’s heart. Until she can do that, she’s always going to be in danger. Prison. Suicide. Drugs. Prostitution. They’re all there waiting for her. There are so many hands reaching out for her. So many people want a girl like Billie, and she just cannot work out which are the right ones.