6

All about Harry

 

I’VE ALWAYS FELT that my granny – my mum’s mum – sent me Harry. She and I were so close, and she died the summer I met him. She was ninety-four and had been the solid centre point, the rock, of my life. When I lost her, I lost a lot. I missed her terribly, and still do. I feel her presence in my life even now, and there have been times when I was suffering the most, when I have felt it more strongly.

The summer of 2005, when I met Harry on McFly’s Wonderland tour, was a funny time for me. I didn’t know a whole lot about McFly, although I did own one of their records. I’d heard ‘Obviously’, their second single, on the radio and liked it, and I remember going to WH Smith in Harpenden to buy the album, Room On The 3rd Floor. I know I thought some of it was quite up tempo – with heavier drumbeats than the pop ballads I was used to, anyway – which makes Harry and I both laugh now, because it’s far from heavy! But I didn’t know one band member from another, or anything about them as people, I just liked their music.

Before the tour started, the guys were doing an interview on TV, and Mum called me in to watch it. She pointed out Harry as he’d been to Uppingham School – which Magnus had also attended for a while before he went to Chetham’s. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, of course.

At that point, I’d been going out with Rupert’s best friend for five years. We’d known each other for ever, and he’d also lived with us for a while after Rupert’s accident. Early that summer he’d ended the relationship, so by the time the McFly tour came around I was broken-hearted as well as grieving for my granny. I certainly wasn’t looking for a new boyfriend.

And yet the first time Harry came into one of our rehearsals I felt something so strong for him. I’ll never forget seeing him and feeling instantly that I knew him, that I’d known him for ever. We were in a church in Bristol, rehearsing for the band’s Wonderland tour. The orchestra was in place, tuning up, when in walked the band.

They all came over to say hello and when Harry introduced himself to me, I went red. Chantal thought this was funny because just hours earlier I’d been crying over my ex-boyfriend and now I was blushing over Harry! I kept thinking to myself that this wasn’t the plan, to fall for someone else, but it happened and just like that Harry was in my life. I tried to tell myself it was nonsense, that it couldn’t be true, that he was a nineteen-year-old pop star who probably had five girlfriends, and for professional reasons I shouldn’t get involved. But I really liked him – I couldn’t help myself.

Then, as luck would have it, two days later I got mumps and was sent home. My parents were away on holiday, my brothers were busy working, and I was ill, alone and utterly miserable.

I rejoined the tour two weeks later and spent the next few weeks feeling as if I was in primary school all over again. Every time I saw Harry I got embarrassed, to the point where I avoided him, hiding whenever he came along. The thing was, he felt the same way. He remembers meeting me that first day in the church and saying to one of his bandmates, Dougie, that he fancied me. When he turned up a couple of days later for another rehearsal and was told one of the girls had had to take time off because of mumps, his immediate thought was, ‘Please don’t let it be Izzy.’

McFly’s management weren’t keen on the band hanging out with the orchestra out of working hours. They were probably worried we might be a distraction, so there weren’t many opportunities for Harry and me to see each other except for at the arenas and on stage during the gigs. At that time I smoked, as did Harry, and he’d often knock on the girls’ dressing-room door and ask if anyone wanted to join him outside for a cigarette. He says he only did it to see me, and remembers wondering why I was never there. In fact I was, but hiding behind the door or in the loo, too embarrassed to come out. We also later discovered that each evening before the show we’d both walk around backstage, hoping to bump into each other, but somehow we never did unless it was in catering when there were too many other people around.

McFly’s big hit at the time was ‘All About You’, and every night on stage when they played it, Harry would turn to hit the tambourine, which was right in my eye line, and would look at me. And I would look at him. Even that got awkward, though, because each show I’d wonder if he was going to look or not, and then felt embarrassed for thinking about it so much. We talk about it now and it’s funny but at the time it was utterly cringy. I fancied him madly but didn’t know what to say or do. One of the other orchestra members, Dave, knew how I felt, and he told me it was mutual, but you don’t believe that unless the guy himself says it to you.

On the penultimate night of the tour, in Cardiff, there was a party. It was the first time we were formally allowed to socialize with the band after hours. I remember Harry politely speaking to everyone in the orchestra except me. Finally, he came over and said hi, and offered to buy me a drink. I ordered a soft drink of course, and he said, ‘Are you sure you don’t want anything else?’ I explained that I didn’t drink, and later he told me that at that point he thought, ‘Damn, I can’t even get her drunk.’

We chatted for a long time and as we talked I found that I could be myself completely. There was no pretence, no trying to impress, no faking anything. I knew straight away that Harry and I spoke the same language. I felt that I understood everything about him – all the important things, anyway. That feeling I’d had the first time we met – that I knew him, had always known him – only got stronger. I think we told each other things that night that neither of us had spoken about much to anyone else. It just felt so easy to open up to him. He made me feel like no one else had ever done before. He was interested in everything I had to say and really listened. I felt safe and happy around him, like nothing else mattered. Most of the others went off to a club, but we went back to the hotel bar with a few people and continued chatting for hours. I told him a bit about why I didn’t drink, about my family, my parents, Rupert.

Then Harry went out into the lobby and the next thing I knew, one of the band’s security guys came in and asked if I’d come outside for a minute because someone needed to talk to me. I was really worried that I’d done something wrong, but it was Harry. He wanted to get me on my own but didn’t want to ask in front of everyone else in case he embarrassed me – or himself if I said no! We went outside then and had our first kiss, and really, that was it for both of us. It was magical, as if the world stopped for a moment. I knew then that Harry was going to be in my life. There was something about him that felt magnetic.

I had a few last commitments with Wild before things wound down – we had three weeks of performances to do in Australia soon after the McFly tour – so I went off to do that, which was probably a good thing for Harry and me. I’d just gone through a break-up and a bereavement, and tour life is notorious for being heightened and intense at the best of times. You’re in a bubble and at the end of it you need to come down and figure out what’s real.

I spent the whole three weeks in Australia looking at photos of Harry, ringing him and thinking about him. He spent the three weeks getting rid of the girlfriends he’d been seeing before he met me!

I never worried about Harry with other girls, only whether he was too young to want to settle down. My attitude towards other girls was simple: if he’s going to do it, he’s going to do it. I’m not a jealous person and perhaps that was because I was a bit older, and successful in my own right with my own career – I wasn’t sitting at home, waiting for him. I also understood the music industry and the way it looks a lot more exciting and glamorous from the outside. I never felt, ‘Oh, Harry’s famous …’ It was just a very normal lifestyle.

Harry’s a very sensitive, loyal and compassionate person – I felt that to be true about him from the start. A couple of months into our relationship he met Rupert and that confirmed my instinct. I took Harry to the home in Aylesbury where Rupert lives, then we went for pizza and took Roops bowling – his two favourite things! Harry was amazing. From that day, Roops and Harry became great friends. Rupert adores him, and Harry, in turn, loves Roops and gets on with him brilliantly. At family events, he’ll always spend time with Rupert, who can be exhausting company because he’s always asking, ‘What next? What now?’ Harry isn’t fazed by that. He enjoys Rupert’s company and understands his needs so well. He’s become a best friend to Roops and loves him unconditionally. For me, this means everything, and I know my family has been very touched by the amount of compassion he has shown towards Rupert.

Soon after we got together, I told Harry about my anxiety. I’d never have tried to hide it – not that I think I could have. I also felt that it was so much a part of me that Harry would have to either take it or leave it. He has so much warmth and empathy, though, that I felt he’d understand, and he did, even though at first he wasn’t aware of how bad it was.

I think he first began to realize the extent of what it was like for me when he saw how much I wanted to be with him every night. At the very beginning, he might have mistaken it for being controlling but actually it was nothing to do with that. I just didn’t want to be on my own!

Harry was so good. But for anybody living with someone who has a mental illness – which is what my anxiety is – there can come a point where it all becomes too much, and I know there were times when he found my behaviour challenging. Mental illness can make you selfish and difficult, even when you don’t wish to be or don’t understand that’s what you’re being. It’s tough to be a carer, even if you love someone. It’s draining. You’re constantly on call and your life isn’t your own.

Happily, a big change came about when I decided to leave Escala in 2012, just before we got married. I left on my terms – because I wanted to and because I knew it was the right moment, not because the anxiety forced me to. The sense of relief at getting back to making my own choices was huge and it enabled Harry and me to feel as though we could move forward with the next chapter of our lives together.

Through all of the difficult times, at the core of our relationship, there has always been a huge amount of understanding and love. Harry and I were attached from day one. I just knew that I wasn’t going to go through life without him. I could never picture myself walking down the aisle towards anyone else.

I believe that spending so many years together before getting engaged, and growing up together through our twenties, meant Harry and I really knew and understood each other when we got married. And I’m sure it made a big difference later, when we found ourselves trying to conceive.

My mum always said that there are men you fall in love with and there are men you marry, and that the two are very different. Harry once heard her saying it, and wanted to know what she meant. But I already knew. With Harry, I fell deeply in love, but it’s our friendship that has kept us going.

As well as being kind, Harry’s always made me laugh. He has a sense of humour about everything. He’s much calmer than I am, and willing to go with the flow, which made things feel less awful and serious than they would otherwise have done during the years of trying for a baby. He was able to see us both through the darker days.