Your new colleagues have set up a Saturday night dinner at a trendy new restaurant in the Mission. It’s a going-away party for the department head. On Saturday, when you’re thinking about what to wear, you realize you have no idea how dressy you should look. And you don’t have the home telephone numbers of anyone who will be there. What do you wear?
You don’t want to take a chance on dressing too casually for this important occasion, and you want to impress your new colleagues. So you wear what you would wear to the office—a sports jacket and tie for a man, a suit and silk blouse for a woman.
This is San Francisco and the dinner is in the trendy, young Mission District, so you don’t think you have to get dressed up at all. You put on some casual clothes—decently pressed slacks and a sweater—and know you look “put together,” but not overly dressed.
It’s the weekend and you’ve previously noticed people wearing jeans, even in the trendiest of restaurants. You put on your clean jeans and a good shirt and make sure you look put together and trendy, yourself. You want to fit in with your new friends, and this is probably what they will wear.
The answer is . Unless you’re sure it’s a dressy occasion in an upscale (expensive) restaurant, you don’t need to wear business clothes for an evening out. So, wear something casual and comfortable, but make sure you look good or presentable. San Franciscans—even those who would have chosen answer and wear jeans—make sure that no matter how casual their dress, they show they care about their appearance. In a city where people spend a lot of time keeping fit, it’s not surprising that they would want to flaunt the results of their efforts.
You are an older person who has decided to retire to San Francisco. When you are settling into your new home, you call PG&E to have your electricity hooked up. The telephone representative asks your name and then immediately calls you by your first name. You are surprised by such familiarity from someone you’ve never met; you come from a culture that respects both age and formality, and where strangers are addressed by their last name, prefaced by Mr. or Ms. You don’t like it that someone you don’t even know, and who hasn’t even told you her own name, seems to show you no respect. How do you handle this?
You just say politely, “Excuse me, but I’d prefer you to call me by my last name.”
You try to be friendly and respond, “If you’re going to call me by my first name, at least tell me yours.”
You don’t bother to say anything. This is just a rude person who has no manners, and you probably won’t be put in the same situation again.
If it’s important to you to be called by your last name, then say so. In that case, the answer is . The telephone representative on the phone shouldn’t be insulted and the situation will have resolved itself. Answer is somewhat acceptable, but since this is a business telephone call, there’s no point in adding a second artificial and insincere friendliness to that of the first. Answer is the best option, but understand that the person isn’t being rude. Americans generally call people by their first names, often upon first meeting. This has now extended itself to business calls, and although you might take such behavior as undue familiarity (even some Americans do), here it’s often seen as friendliness, trying to put the customer at ease. So, you might as well get used to it, or on days when you decide more formality is required, resort to answer .
You have finally moved into the new apartment you’ve purchased in Pacific Heights. It’s just the apartment you’ve been looking for, in the district you wanted, and with all the amenities you hoped for. You’re excited, and you tell the good news to a colleague at work. You say what street the apartment is on and all the things you like about the place. You are surprised when your friend asks you how much the apartment cost. You are not used to talking about money and think the price of the apartment is no one’s business but your own. What do you say?
You just laugh and say, “Wow, much more than I thought it would,” and then change the subject to a general one of how expensive housing in San Francisco is.
You say how much it cost you.
You explain that in your culture people don’t talk openly about money the way people do in the United States, and that it isn’t something that you can do.
People in the United States are often more open about discussing the specifics of money than in other countries. Sometimes they crow about how little they’ve spent on something and other times they remark on how expensive something was. The answer here is . You never have to say what something cost you, so is wrong. As for , comparing your country’s cultural ethos with those of the United States would be a fun conversation over a drink sometime, but not in this conversation, where it would seem that you’re reproving your colleague, who is, after all, only following American norms.
You’re patiently standing in line at the cinema to buy your ticket to a popular new film, when a guy sneaks past you and the others and inserts himself toward the front of the line. He clearly hasn’t come to join friends who are waiting for him. No, he’s just a line jumper. You don’t like this, because you’ve been patient, and the others in line have been, too. What do you do?
Nothing. You’re new here and you shouldn’t be the one to make a fuss. Let the San Franciscans handle it. Besides, if it’s so important for him to get in sooner, let him. It’s a big theater with a lot of seats, and the film will start at the same time for everyone.
Be polite. Say kindly, “Excuse me, but the line is back there.” Hope he takes the hint and goes back where he belongs. If he doesn’t, just shrug and let other people take the next step.
React firmly, and make sure he hears you. Yell loudly, “Hey, buddy, the line’s back there!” and gesture behind you to the end of the line where people are waiting.
Actually, any of the above answers are acceptable, although might be most effective, if making him do what’s fair is important to you. It just depends on your mood of the moment. San Franciscans are tolerant of aberrant behavior—on most days and in most situations—but if they feel like saying that something bothers them, they do. So, gauge the situation and see what suits you. If you choose , however, be prepared for a response in the same tone and manner you’ve used.
You’ve just moved here from abroad and are settling in. One day, you’re sitting on the bus with your eight-year-old daughter. Two young men board and take seats close by. After a few minutes, one leans over and kisses the other on the mouth. Your daughter asks, “Why are those men kissing?” What do you say?
You don’t know what to say, so you just say, “Beats me, I haven’t the slightest idea,” and then try to distract her by pointing to something out the window.
You laugh and say, “We always knew San Francisco was different, didn’t we?”
You say, “They’re just showing affection toward each other. Usually it’s between a man and a woman, but occasionally a man will love another man, or a woman will love another woman. That’s their choice.”
You tell her your opinion of homosexuality (or of public displays of affection) and that it is against your principles. She’s old enough to understand.
Public affection may not be common in your culture, but it is common in San Francisco, not matter the sexual orientation. So, it’s best to tell your daughter the truth, one way or the other. The best answer is , for San Francisco teaches tolerance and expects it in return. But if you’re adamant in your opposition either to openly-expressed affection or homosexuality, you’ll no doubt already have begun at home to explain clearly your carefully-considered views on life. But, even if your answer is , don’t be loudly judgmental in front of the affectionate couple.
You are driving home late at night, after a business dinner during which you’ve shared a couple of bottles of wine. You’re not drunk, just tired. Just as you get to the traffic light you see it is about to turn red. Nobody is coming in either direction so you speed up and get through the instant it becomes red. But a police car parked to the side turns on his flashing lights and directs you to pull over to the side. He asks you to step out of the car. You know that you’ve been drinking and driving. You also know you shouldn’t have dashed through the traffic light as it was turning red. How do you handle the situation?
You have an early meeting in the morning. You act friendly with the police officer and explain that you had a late business dinner and are concerned about your important meeting in the morning. Take out your wallet and ask the police officer how much the fine will be, so you can pay him directly and go home
You’re tired and just want to go home and go to bed. You’re not drunk, and lots of people dash through the light at the last minute. You take out your wallet and fold a US$ 50 bill around it, and smile as you hand it to the police officer.
You know this will be a stain on your record and that you will have to go to the police station and perhaps have your license suspended. Admit to the officer that you were wrong, accept the penalties as they unfold according to the particular situation, and vow to yourself that you will never do either again. And don’t.
Clearly, the answer here is . Never (never!) attempt to bribe or even pay a fine to a police officer, for that too could be seen as bribery. If you have no defense to your actions, apologize and follow the instructions of the officer; the penalties will be severe—even more so if this is not your first offense. They could involve license suspension or restriction, a course in safe driving, a fine, or even real jail time. If you are taken to the police station by the officer, call your lawyer, or ask for one if you don’t know one. You might also contact your embassy or consulate for a lawyer, although it is not the embassy’s responsibility to get you out of jail. The answer is obvious, but the question was put in to remind you never to drink and drive, never to offer money to a police officer, and never to run a red light, which is not only illegal but also dangerous. San Francisco is tolerant of unusual behavior, but not of breaking laws or endangering others.
Coming to San Francisco alone, with no family in tow, you have taken a good job as a manager in a major bank. After you’ve been there a few weeks, your boss suggests you go out for drinks after work. You assume he wants to talk about business and your new job. When you get to the bar, however, it is clear he is interested in you personally, and after two cocktails he puts his hand on your leg and suggests you go back to his apartment for a “nightcap.” What do you do?
You are extremely attracted to the man, he seems very nice, and being new in town, you don’t have a relationship at present. So you decide to go back to his apartment with him. He’s also important in the bank, so a relationship with him might help you get ahead.
You get very angry and tell him his behavior is inappropriate. You push his hand off your leg, and tell him if he ever does this again, you’ll report him for sexual harassment.
You thank him for the offer, but say firmly that it’s not a good idea to have a personal relationship with a colleague. Then, after finishing your drink, you thank him again, say you’ll see him at work tomorrow, and leave.
The answer is . It isn’t a good idea to have a personal relationship with a colleague, and in fact, they rarely help someone get ahead in a company. And there’s no point getting angry, if you want to stay happily in this new job. Instead of accepting a drink with him after work, which may well have had personal overtones that you didn’t catch, you might have suggested a lunch instead. Yet sexual harassment is a tricky issue in the United States, and personal relationships in the office—including even the occasional friendly pat on the back—must be paid attention to. If you come from a culture where men and women friends are physically affectionate (kisses on cheeks, pats on backs, friendly hugs), you’ll have to gauge each situation carefully in the United States. Shaking hands is always an accepted thing to do.
Your family is visiting you. It’s their first time in the United States and you want them to have a good time. You reserve at a typically-San Francisco restaurant near Union Square. Because your family is still tired from a long flight, you book early, imagining a nice leisurely dinner and lingering over a cup of coffee, hearing all the news and gossip from home. But at the end of the meal, just as you’re finishing your coffee, the waiter comes over and asks, “Would you like anything else?” When you say, “No, thank you,” he comes back immediately with the bill. It’s clear that he intends for you to pay and leave, even though you’re not ready. What do you do?
You pay and leave. You’re not happy with the situation and make a mental note not to come back to this restaurant again. You also leave a slightly smaller tip than you would have, had you not felt rushed.
You say, “Thanks, but we’re not quite ready to leave. We want to stay another fifteen minutes, or so.” If the waiter responds nicely, you make a mental note to give him a large tip.
You pay and ask whether there’s a table at the bar where you can continue your conversation. If there isn’t, you leave and find another place—perhaps a cocktail lounge or nice bar—where you can linger awhile.
In the United States, restaurants generally open early and expect to reseat the table several times in the evening, allocating a certain amount of time for each party to eat and then leave. This is called “turning” the tables. Waiters make most of their income on tips, so it is also to their advantage to have as many different parties of diners at a table as possible. Here the best answer is , and your waiter should be accommodating, since the time when the table will be free can be gauged. But if the server isn’t happy with the idea, try answer . There may be a free table at the bar, but on a weekend night, don’t count on it. Otherwise, just pay your bill and find somewhere else. But realize that the waiter is probably just following the policy of that restaurant—the same as in many others.