Chapter 3

“What’s wrong?” His face registered confusion.

I couldn’t speak. What could I say? Your kiss was too powerful. Your lips felt too perfect. My body screamed for more than a kiss. But my brother is dead. I have no right to feel anything close to happiness while he lies in the ground.

“Am I that bad of a kisser?” He clasped his fingers around mine. “Maybe I need more practice?”

I shook my head and scrunched my eyelids together, trying to fight back the tears. When I opened them, the tears won, streaming down my cheeks.

“Julie, what’s wrong?”

He looked so handsome, backlit by the moonlight. I reached out and stroked his face, not caring that the tears wouldn’t stop. “The kiss was wonderful, and that’s the problem.”

He scrambled to sit up then pulled me up. “Something is happening here that I don’t get. Can you fill me in on what I’m missing?”

“I didn’t come to Thailand to be happy. I came to be alone and figure out where my life is going, and how I’m going to make it in the world without my brother. You see, it should have been me that died, not him. He was the good one. He deserved a long beautiful life.” I stroked Avi’s face again. “He radiated joy, like you. The Earth was a better place when he was on it. I offer nothing to the world compared to what he had to give.”

“Stop it,” he said, wrapping me in his arms. “You are so wrong.”

I placed my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Every day we took that sound for granted, but that continuous thumping was the song of life. Jack’s song ended--fair or not fair, it didn’t matter. But it rendered my heart beat a constant reminder of his absence.

The sound I heard in Avi’s chest reminded me of everything Jack was going to miss. Here I was sitting in the soft sand of an exquisite tropical beach, drinking wine and kissing this sweet, handsome stranger, while my brother remained cold in his coffin. The tears turned to sobs and wouldn’t stop.

“Let it out. It’s okay.” Avi repeated the words over and over while stroking my hair. He held me until the pain tapered from stabbing to a dull ache.

Finally, I pulled away. “I’m so sorry. This is so embarrassing.” I looked around for something to wipe my nose with--nothing. “I’m sorry I ruined your night. I think I better leave.” I dried my wet cheeks with the back of my hand and slowly rose from the mat, not wanting to meet his gaze.

In the moment it took to move from sitting to standing, another wave of pure sorrow threatened to activate my tear glands. It had nothing to do with losing my brother and everything to do with never seeing Avi again. “Thank you for the wine and dinner. It was lovely. I’m sorry I screwed everything up.”

“Wait a minute. Where do think you’re going? I have a half of a bottle of wine here and two bags of gummy bears. Do you really think you can just cry and walk away? You need to sit back down on this mat and help me eat these.” He dangled the gummy bear bags from both hands.

I felt the corners of my mouth lift, and relief inched over me. He continued swinging the bags, looking utterly adorable. “You don’t really want to share those with a crazy person,” I replied, wiping at my still-leaking eyes.

“No, I don’t. I want to share them with you. Please, sit down.” He dropped one of the bags and reached for my hand. His expression was sincere. “Julie, don’t leave.”