DEAR DOCTOR WATSON, by Dr John H. Watson

As the reading public is no doubt aware, I devote much of my time to chronicling the cases of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, the world’s first consulting detective. Because of the sheer number of cases which Holmes has been involved in, recounting his adventures has become a full time endeavor for me. What my dear readers may not be aware of, is that in addition to being Holmes’ biographer and often assisting him on his cases, it is also my task to respond to the many letters from the public that arrive at our Baker Street rooms daily.

Much of the mail received contains questions about Holmes and his cases and I make my best efforts to answer as many of these as time allows. What follows are some recent missives that have found their way to my desk. I publish these with the hope that they will give some insight into Sherlock Holmes both the man and the detective.

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Dear Dr Watson,

What is Sherlock Holmes like between cases?

—Delving in Dover

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Dear Delving,

The answer to your question is in a word, impossible. I have written about Holmes’ violin playing, what I have not mentioned till now is, that he often plays “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” so often that one is inclined to never again want to set foot into another seagoing vessel, or simply throttle him where he stands, or perhaps both. I have at various times touched upon Holmes’ pipe smoking. However, I am fairly certain I have not previously stated that there are certain days where the air at 221B is so thick with smoke that one cannot see one’s own hand in front of one’s face. As a result, while attempting to walk from one room to the next, I have frequently had collisions with all manner of furniture, causing innumerable bumps, bruises, skinned knees, sprained toes, sore shins and on at least one occasion, I narrowly averted severe trauma to my medulla oblongata.

I know that I have written that Holmes has a hobby of shooting Her Royal Majesty’s initials into our walls with his revolver. This in itself might be tolerable occasionally, but what I have failed to report is that he has also fired the initials of most of the rest of the Royal Family into the walls as well. As most people are aware, the Royals are a very large family filled with Dukes, Earls, Counts, Barons and numerous other lesser relations. If Holmes cannot think of a family member, he has also been known to shoot a royal servant’s initials instead. Our walls now contain more lead than a mining operation in County Durham.

And then there are the scientific experiments, wherein Holmes turns our rooms into a defacto laboratory. These experiments sometimes result in explosions, and frankly, I for one, am tired of having to scrape foul-smelling toxic chemicals off my night clothes or for that matter, the ceiling. A man’s home should be his castle, not a repository for the odiferous burnt and melted remains of the periodic table of elements.

And speaking of elements, I have not even touched upon Sherlock Holmes’ cocaine habit. The less written about this the better. Suffice it to say that if I never again inadvertently sit down on a hypodermic needle that he’s absentmindedly placed on a chair or a sofa, I believe I shall die a very happy man.

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Dear Dr Watson,

In your accounts of Sherlock Holmes you have upon occasion alluded to a number of untold cases. Are there others that you have not recounted?

—Literary Lady in Lancaster

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Dear Literary Lady,

There are many cases that I have not released to the public because they are of a sensational nature, or contain delicate matters that may pose a danger to Crown or Country. As to the others, here is a partial listing:

• • Dame Prunella Bindenford’s exploding tea crumpets of doom, a case much too silly to convey without giggling hysterically like a ticklish schoolgirl.
• • The case of the Polite Frenchman, which the world is not yet ready to believe.
• • The Horrible Haunted Haggis of Hereford Hedge, a case too filled with alliteration to easily remember, let alone repeat.
• • The Odd Disappearance of the Meek File Clerk from The Department Of Weights And Measures; a case so uninteresting that the mere retelling of it has been known to induce a deep coma in all who have heard it.

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Dear Dr Watson,

Was there ever a meeting between Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty that you did not document?

—Chester Mann in Manchester

Dear Chester,

Yes. Holmes and Moriarty once met by chance in a local pub called The Hair of the Goat. At first they exchanged heated barbs, but eventually settled down to a pint of Guinness, a friendly game of darts, and some nice mince pie. By mutual consent, they both agreed to never speak of the incident again. As I recall, through a series of intricate and elaborate ruses, Moriarty was able to stick Holmes with the bill. This may account for why Holmes has denied that this curious evening ever occurred.

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Dear Dr Watson,

What case did Sherlock Holmes take the least amount of time to solve?

—Surly in Surrey

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Dear Surly,

The case that Holmes solved in the least amount of time was the The Mysterious Mystery of Our Missing House Keys. He found them behind an end table in under thirty seconds.

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Dear Dr Watson,

Has Sherlock Holmes ever been romantically interested in any women?

—Nosy in Nottingham

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Dear Nosy,

Yes. Holmes once had a brief fling with a hatcheck girl named Hilda at a German ratskeller near Piccadilly Square. Within a short time she left him for an overweight Zeppelin commander called Otto. Otto had a very long waxed mustache that was so sharp it punctured his aircraft and sent it crashing into a peat bog in Hampshire where the crew of fifty immediately resorted to cannibalism to stay alive; this despite the fact that the nearest town was in plain sight and well within walking distance. The whole chain of events was so disturbing to Holmes that for years afterward he would become visibly shaken at the mere mention of liverwurst or sauerbraten.

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Dear Dr Watson,

You have often quoted words and expressions that Sherlock Holmes uses such as “Elementary” and “The game is afoot.” Are there any others that you have omitted from your writings?

—Wanting to know in Warrington

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Dear Wanting,

Yes. I have neglected to record for posterity Holmes’ repeated use of the phrases, “Pip pip,” “Talley ho,” “Ta-ta, old bean,” and of late, “Hubba Hubba.”

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Dear Dr Watson,

Why did Sherlock Homes fight Professor Moriarty on the Reichenbach Falls?

—Ignorant in Inverness

Dear Ignorant,

Because Niagara Falls was too far away.