OF COURSE ALL HE ever said about Suzanne to our parents was what a great person she was, and how much in love they were. But he told me—back when they were first going together—she was real horny too. I mean, these two didn’t just do it in the backseat of his car. Larry told me they used to make love in the storeroom at the restaurant, and at the beach, at night, and one time she even took him up to her room at her parents’ house, with them right downstairs watching TV. “She looks so prim and proper,” he says. “But you should see how she gets. She’s so wild and passionate.” He was actually worried about keeping her satisfied. That’s why he came to talk to me, in fact. I mean, we never had a conversation like this before, but he said he was just so anxious to please her. He wanted my thoughts on how to keep a woman happy. “Just be yourself,” I told him. “If that’s not good enough for her, that’s her problem.”
Back when they were dating, they used to go to this place in Woodbury, The Hot Spot, where you could rent a hot tub room for an hour, with a CD player, a TV, VCR, the works. I guess every room at this place had a different theme, like Hawaiian, Wild West, The Big Apple. He called me up this one morning. “You should have seen Suzanne and me in Jolly Olde England,” he says. She brought along a video of Beaches, her favorite movie. They had champagne and strawberries. “You wouldn’t believe some of the things we did, Jan,” he told me. “I thought they only did that stuff in the movies.”
Another time, I guess he took her into Boston to see a Red Sox game. Not that she was this big sports fan, but of course my brother was, and you got the impression she figured this was a cool thing to do—like afterwards, she’d enjoy working it into the conversation, “When I was at Fenway last week.”
It was kind of a chilly day, late in the season, so I guess he brought along a blanket to put over them, and she starts unzipping his pants under the blanket, feeling him up. Anybody knows Larry knows when he’s watching a game that’s what he wants to do, watch the game. Plus I guess he felt pretty self-conscious. I mean this was in the bleachers and everything. Even with the blanket over them it must’ve been pretty obvious what was going on. He tried gently to get her to lay off, but she didn’t want to. She told him this story she heard, about this ball game at the Skydome in Toronto. I guess there’s this hotel there, where some of the rooms look right out over the ballpark. And this one time—a night game—the Blue Jays were playing, and all of a sudden you can feel the attention of the crowd shifting from the diamond to this one picture window in the Skydome hotel, where this couple’s going at it, with the lights on. Before long you got—what?—50,000 people maybe, all eyes on these two people screwing their brains out, and hardly anybody’s even following the game anymore.
Larry told me, when he heard that, he was thinking how awful that must’ve been for those two people, when they found out. How embarrassing. But for Suzanne the point of the story was how she’d like to drive up to Toronto some time and catch a game. She told him she wanted one of those special rooms in the Skydome. “Just think,” she told him. “We’d be more famous than the ball players.”