I NEVER LIKED JANE Pauley. Have you ever noticed how one side of her face doesn’t match the other? Next time you see that magazine show of hers, put your hand on the screen so it covers up one of her eyes and half her mouth, and you’ll see what I mean. And that hair. I could see it if she was maybe doing the weekend update or something, or the sunrise report. But the “Today” show. It’s not like there aren’t other people out there.
I have to admit I have a controversial opinion about Deborah Norville. I know people say she isn’t very intelligent, but they don’t understand the broadcasting business like somebody on the inside. All the things you have to know, and how complex it really is. Which camera to look at. Being aware of your lighting and your monitors, and knowing how many seconds before you have to cut to commercial. They think these people are just sitting around in their living room shooting the breeze or something. They don’t know all the talent and training that goes into a production like that. And in my opinion, Deborah Norville was the best in the business.
I wrote a letter about my situation to “20-20.” I wrote to “60 Minutes” too, but I’d prefer doing “20-20.” Barbara Walters used to be kind of my idol. Now she’s pretty old of course. But you have to remember all the people she’s met. Billy Joel. Donald Trump and Maria Maples. Tom Hanks. Elton John. You have to respect someone like that.
What we had in mind was an exposé. About the conspiracy these kids cooked up, and how they can ruin a person’s life. Only as I said before, I always think positive, so I’m not prepared to say they’ve ruined my life. All they did was try.
My lawyer was telling me about this play some famous writer wrote. I’m not sure but I think they made it into a movie or a “Hallmark Hall of Fame” or something. It was about this town called Salem, Massachusetts, a couple hundred years ago, where a bunch of teenage girls got the idea of accusing some people of being witches, and everybody started believing them. The girls were just bored or something, looking for something to do, and I mean, in those days, there wasn’t much. So they thought it would be fun. Only in the end the people were found guilty and they got burned alive. The writer used to be married to Marilyn Monroe, if that rings a bell.
In my case, it’s pretty obvious what happened. The two ringleaders, Russell and James, had some kind of crush on me. Or whatever you want to call it. I won’t even repeat some of the remarks they used to make when I’d walk past them in the hall. Just because I’m not a hundred years old and fifty pounds overweight, they think they can get away with their obscene remarks. I have a theory that it has to do with the music they listen to. 2 Live Crew, Guns ’N Roses and so forth. I mean, I don’t sit around listening to Lawrence Welk or anything, but these groups are too much. A boy like Russell, listening to some song about killing your mother or your girlfriend all day long, probably just started to believe it. Everybody knew he was already a hood. And then when I didn’t want anything to do with them, they figured they’d kill Larry, and then I would. That’s the way their twisted brains work.
As for Lydia, well you’ve seen what she looks like. I mean, I tried to help her. I took her to aerobics with me a couple times and I kept telling her to stay away from chocolate. But she had no willpower. Basically she’s just a very pathetic person. And in the end I think she was just so jealous she had to hurt me somehow. So she cooked this up.
It appears the judge understood this. I mean, at my bail hearing the DA tried to give the impression that I might flee the country or something, if they let me out free. Like I’m some desperate criminal. The judge could take one look at me and know I wasn’t exactly the type to hotfoot it off, because he granted bail, in spite of all the ridiculous insinuations they were making about me. So at least I’ll be sleeping in my own bed tonight, instead of that godforsaken women’s correctional facility. Now all I have to do is wait for the trial, to clear my good name.
I’m planning to write a letter to Billy Joel too. Thinking maybe he’d be interested in writing a song about my story. Or maybe even do a benefit concert for costs incurred in my defense. I also wrote to Walter Cronkite and enclosed that picture from the paper of me holding Walter when he was just a puppy. We figured he’d get a kick out of that. I won’t be surprised if I hear from him any day now.