Kayla hung a pair of her father’s trousers on the line as the humid August air kissed her cheeks. She reached for another pair as Eva stepped out onto the porch. “Hi.”
“Need some help?” Eva fished two clothespins from the bag hanging by the clothesline and handed them to Kayla.
“Danki.” Kayla pushed the clothespins over the material and then moved the clothesline down to make room for more clothes. “I thought you were going to give Junior a bath this evening.”
“Mamm insisted on bathing him. She enjoys playing with him in the water.” Eva gave Kayla another pair of Dat’s trousers. “Is Jamie coming tonight?”
“No. He’s on duty.” Kayla attached the trousers to the line and then pushed it along.
“Are you okay with that?” Eva lifted one of Dat’s shirts from the basket and gave it to Kayla.
“Ya, I am.” Kayla smiled as she hung up the shirt. “I still worry about him when he’s on duty, but I’ve found prayer gets me through.”
“That’s gut.” Eva gave her another shirt as a coy smile turned up her lips. “Does your smile mean things are going well between you and Jamie?”
Kayla hung the shirt and then turned to face Eva. “Things have been going pretty well.”
“You’ve been seeing him for a month now, right?” Eva gave her another shirt and two clothespins.
“Ya, and the weeks have passed by quickly.” Her smile faded as she contemplated their relationship.
“Was iss letz?”
“Nothing is really wrong, but I guess things aren’t exactly the way I thought they’d be.” She lifted another shirt from the basket and hung it on the line to avoid Eva’s curious expression. “He hasn’t missed a date since the time he went to help the man who was having the heart attack, but we still don’t see each other as often as I’d like. I understand he’s busy and has a lot of demands on his time. I just wish I could see him more.”
“Maybe you will with time. You know he’s still going through a lot. He only lost his mamm six weeks ago.” Eva gave her another shirt. “Just let the relationship grow naturally.”
Kayla nodded. She wanted nothing more than to be the support Jamie needed.
The bright blue, cloudless sky shone bright above Kayla as she hefted her purse onto her shoulder and marched down the sidewalk. She stepped into the farmers market, chose a shopping cart, and steered it toward the deli section. She’d asked her father if she could pick up supplies. She needed to get out of the restaurant and have some time alone with her thoughts.
For the past three days, she’d jumped every time the phone rang in the restaurant, hoping to hear Jamie’s voice on the other end of the line. Perhaps to ask her on another picnic like the one they’d been on last week. But every time she answered the phone in the restaurant or listened to the voice mail messages at home, she’d been disappointed.
The anticipation and frustration became more and more overwhelming as each of those three days had passed. She tried her best to suppress her chagrin, but it still reared its ugly head, along with heartache. Eva’s words from Monday night were still fresh in her mind, and she wanted to give Jamie the time and space he needed to work through his grief. But on the other hand, she wanted so desperately for Jamie to become a part of her daily life.
Now it was Thursday afternoon, and she hadn’t heard from him since he briefly stopped by the restaurant after his shift ended Tuesday morning. Was she asking for more than he was capable of giving? Would he ever be able to give her a more permanent commitment?
“May I help you?” The Amish man behind the deli counter smiled.
“Hi.” Kayla glanced down at the case of meats and cheeses, gave him her order, and watched as he sliced the meat and packaged it up for her. After she paid him, the man handed her two bags and she thanked him. She started down one aisle, but halted when a man’s voice called her name.
“Kayla!” he called again. “Kayla Dienner!”
She spun and swallowed a gasp. Abram walked toward her, smiling and waving. He looked the same—still handsome with sandy-blond hair and bright hazel eyes.
“Kayla, hi. How are you?”
“I’m fine. How are you?” She gripped the handle of the shopping cart with one hand as she looked up at him. Unexpected guilt washed over her. What would Jamie say if he knew she was talking to her ex-boyfriend?
“I’m fine.” He pointed to the two bags in the grocery cart. “I guess you’re here getting supplies for the restaurant.”
“Ya, that’s right. What are you doing here?”
“Mei mamm asked me to pick up a few things. She’s hosting a dinner tonight at the haus.” He fingered his suspenders. “How’s your family doing?”
“Everyone is fine. How’s yours?”
“Gut.” He leaned on her grocery cart handle. “Mei schweschder just got engaged.”
“Really?” She smiled. While she and Abram had always had their issues, she’d quickly fallen for his family, especially his sister. After Abram broke up with her, she had a moment of clarity. Perhaps she’d loved his family more than she’d ever loved him. “To Daniel?”
“Ya, they’re going to get married in November.”
“That’s wunderbaar.”
“How’s Eva?” he asked.
“She’s well. Junior, mei bruderskind, is getting so big. It’s difficult to believe he’s six months old already.”
His smile faded. “Oh. So Eva had a bu.” He hesitated. “Can I walk you back to the restaurant?”
“Don’t you need to get the supplies for your mamm?”
Abram grinned. “Would you wait a minute? I’ll pick up what she needs and then walk you back.” He gnawed his lower lip and studied her as if hoping she’d say yes.
Alarm bells screamed in Kayla’s head and she had a quick conversation with herself. Don’t do it. What would Jamie think if he saw you with Abram? Walk away! Don’t risk hurting Jamie.
“I don’t think that’s a gut idea. I really need to get back to the restaurant before the supper rush starts.” She forced a pleasant smile on her lips. “It was gut seeing you. Take care.” She started toward the door, but he called her back.
“Kayla! Wait.” He rushed to her side. “I want to talk to you.”
Gripping the cart handle, she braced herself. Be strong, Kayla!
“I’m so sorry for hurting you,” he said.
“Danki, but it’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. It was a long time ago, and I’m over it now. Have a gut day.” She turned to go, but he touched her arm. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, dreading what was coming next.
Walk away, Kayla!
“Please wait. I’m not done.” Abram’s frown was full of emotion. “I miss you.”
“Abram, I don’t think we should discuss—”
“I wasn’t a gut boyfriend to you. I took you for granted. I was more interested in being with mei freinden than with you. I should have been more attentive and more supportive. It’s all my fault our relationship fell apart.” He touched his chest. “When you needed me most, I broke up with you and walked away. I was immature and thoughtless, and I’m so sorry. You deserved better. If I could, I would go back and fix things between us.”
Speechless, she stared at him. Had she just imagined such an admission?
Abram chuckled. “You look stunned.”
“I am.” She scowled as she remembered what her brother told her a little more than a month ago. “What would Bena Smoker say if she heard what you just said to me?”
“Bena Smoker?” His brow furrowed. “What does she have to do with any of this?”
“Isn’t she your girlfriend?”
“No. Who told you that?”
“Nathan overheard Katie and Lillian talking about you and Bena at the restaurant.”
“It’s not true. I’m not dating anyone.” He shook his head as if shooing away the rumor. “Look, I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I realize I missed my chance with you. But I’d love to be freinden. You were a gut freind, and I miss that.” He placed his hand on her shopping cart. “Would you consider being mei freind?”
She shrugged. “Ya, of course.”
“Gut.” He smiled as he released the cart. “Maybe I’ll see you sometime soon?”
“Ya. Maybe.” She started to push the cart toward the exit. “Tell your family hello for me.”
“Abram apologized to you?” Eva’s eyes had widened as they stood by the podium and talked.
“Ya. I still can’t believe it. He actually admitted he was immature and wasn’t there for me when I needed him most.”
The dining room was half full, so Kayla was careful to keep her voice low. She didn’t want to draw attention like she had that day with Jamie.
“He said he wants to be your freind? Do you think he’ll come visit you?”
Kayla groaned. “Ach, no. I hope not.”
Eva cringed. “How would Jamie feel if he knew your ex-boyfriend wanted to reconnect with you?”
“I don’t know what to think about Jamie.” Kayla leaned back on the stand. “When he came to see me Tuesday morning after his shift, he said he’d call me and set up a date to get together. Today is Thursday, and I still haven’t heard from him. I don’t know if I’ll see him this week or not. It’s tearing me up to go days without seeing him. What if I don’t see him for another week?”
“Why are you giving up on Jamie so easily?” Eva frowned. “You know all the stress he’s under at home. Why aren’t you giving him a chance to prove himself to you?”
“I’m just so confused. He tells me he cares and then he doesn’t call for days. I want to be first in his life, and I want to know he cares for me as much as I care for him.” Kayla couldn’t stop tears from welling.
Eva grabbed a tissue from beneath the stand and handed it to her. “I’m so sorry.”
Kayla wiped her eyes. “I think I’m in love with him, but I don’t think he loves me back.”
Eva opened her mouth but closed it again when the door to the restaurant opened. A group of six English women clad in T-shirts and shorts walked in.
Kayla stuffed the tissue in her pocket, grabbed six menus, and plastered a smile on her face. “Welcome to Dienner’s Family Restaurant.”
Jamie spun his fork in his spaghetti as he sat beside Leon at the fire station’s long table Saturday night.
“It was incredible. The pickup rolled down the embankment and landed on its wheels.” Brody gestured with his arms as if showing how the vehicle had rolled. “The driver walked away with just cuts and bruises, but the bed of the truck was bent and the windshield was busted. That driver was definitely blessed.”
“Wow.” Leon stabbed a meatball. “The hand of God saved that guy.”
Jamie shoved the spaghetti into his mouth and chewed.
“You’re awfully quiet, Riehl,” Brody quipped. “What’s going on?”
“I’m fine.” Jamie cut a meatball in half and then forked it. “Just tired.”
“How are things going at the farm?” Leon asked.
Jamie shrugged and swallowed before answering. “It’s the same. Busy.” I can’t keep up.
“I was surprised when Brody mentioned you volunteered to take another shift,” Leon said. “This is your third one this week.”
Jamie wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. “Brody said he was down one man since Swanson is out of town on vacation. I thought I’d help out.”
Leon raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think you’re taking on too much?”
Jamie shook his head. “I’m happy to do my part for the station.”
The door opened, and when Nathan appeared, Jamie froze. He craned his neck, looking behind Nathan for Kayla. But she wasn’t there. Disappointment and regret transformed the spaghetti in his stomach into a heavy rock.
“Hi, Nathan,” Brody called. “How are you?”
“Have you eaten?” Leon asked. “We have plenty of spaghetti and meatballs. Brody always makes too much.”
“Thanks, but I only have a few minutes.” Nathan sat down across from Jamie.
“Hi,” Jamie said. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.” Nathan removed his straw hat and placed it on the chair beside him. “You haven’t been by the haus all week, and I missed you when you stopped by the restaurant Tuesday morning. I thought I’d check on you.”
“I’m all right.” Jamie dipped his fork into the pile of spaghetti. “How’s your family?”
Nathan shrugged. “Fine. I think mei schweschder misses you, though. She’s been really cranky and mopey. Where’ve you been since Tuesday?”
Jamie felt Brody and Leon staring at him, and heat slithered up his neck. “I’ve been busy. Mei bruder and I are adding on to one of our barns. It’s turned into a much bigger project than we anticipated.”
“Oh.” Nathan nodded slowly. “How have things been here? Have you had any exciting calls?”
“Brody, tell him about the car accident you responded to yesterday,” Leon said.
Jamie continued eating while Brody shared the story, but Brody’s words were only background noise to his loud thoughts. He missed Kayla, but soon after their picnic last week, taking time he didn’t really feel he could spare, he’d begun to realize the truth—he didn’t know how to fit her into his life.
Every day he witnessed the pain in his family’s eyes and knew he was the reason for their pain. Every day he fought hard to push himself forward, working long days to ensure his siblings and especially his father knew they could count on him. And he worked hard for another reason too. He needed to keep his guilt and grief over his mother’s death at bay, allowing him to get at least a little sleep at night before he couldn’t even function as a good firefighter.
He was so tired.
But he cared about Kayla, deeply. He had tried to give her enough attention. And he usually felt better after spending time with her because she was a good listener and he knew she cared about him, just as he cared about her. After the picnic, he went home to all his responsibilities, already so worried about how he’d carve out time to see her again that he worked even more to bury that guilt too. He’d had to force himself to see her Tuesday morning, knowing the turmoil in his soul.
How could he be a good boyfriend when his life was a complete and utter mess?
Kayla was better off without him.
He was better off without her.
But then why did the idea of not having her in his life hurt so deeply? Still, he didn’t think he could avoid the issue much longer. It wasn’t fair to either of them.
Brody shared a few more stories before Nathan stood up from the table.
“I need to get back to the restaurant.” He slipped his hat back onto his head as he looked at Jamie. “Stop by the haus or the restaurant soon.”
“I will,” Jamie said before Nathan left.
“I cooked, so you two get to clean up.” Brody carried his dishes to the sink. “I’m going to see if any games are on television.” He disappeared into the hallway that led to the large sitting room.
Jamie gathered the leftover spaghetti and meatballs and carried them to the counter and scrapped them into plastic containers.
“Did you and Kayla break up?” Leon brought their drinking glasses.
“What?” Jamie spun toward him. “No, we didn’t break up.”
Leon raised his eyebrows. “If you didn’t break up with her, then why haven’t you seen her since Tuesday?” He returned to the table for the remaining plates and utensils.
“I have too many demands on my time right now. Dat still isn’t up to par, and the farm needs a lot of work. I’m here at least once a week. I feel like I can never get caught up, even though Mark is certainly doing his fair share.”
Jamie stowed the food and began filling the sink with water and soap. Leon grabbed a container of bleach wipes from the pantry. He moved to the table and began wiping it down.
Jamie scrubbed a bowl in the hot water and suddenly decided to confide in Leon. “I don’t think I can fit a relationship into my life right now. It’s just not the right time.”
“Do you want to know what I think?” Leon offered.
“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me whether I want to hear it or not.”
Leon pointed a bleach wipe at him, and Jamie grinned. “I think you’d be narrisch to let a maedel like Kayla slip through your fingers. If I were you, I’d do everything in my power to hold on to her.”
Jamie was silent as he washed the next bowl.
“You have nothing to say?” Leon asked.
Jamie shrugged. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“I messed up with Susie Bontrager, and I regret it to this day. I heard she’s going to marry Josh Chupp.”
“Really?” Jamie recalled when Leon dated Susie. They met in youth group and dated for two years before going their separate ways.
“Ya.” Leon frowned. “It’s too late for me and Susie. Don’t be like me. Fix things with Kayla before it’s too late.”
Leon’s words settled over Jamie as he worked at the sink. If only he knew how to fit Kayla into his life, then he could make things right. But that seemed like an impossible task.