19

 

“I need you to do me a favor, dear.” Mama sat ramrod straight in the passenger seat of Maxi’s car. The drive back from Glenville had been fairly quiet after an unsatisfactory visit to the nursing home.

“What’s that, Mama?”

“I need to pick up your father’s ashes from the mortuary. If it’s not too far out of your way.”

Maxi jerked in her seat. “What are you going to do with them?”

Her mother gave her a sad smile. “I think I’ll have them buried on the property. He loved that farm so much. It seems fitting to leave him there.”

Unbidden tears burned beneath Maxi’s lids. With everything that had happened, she hadn’t let herself fully accept that her father was gone. “Sure, Mama. We can stop and get the ashes.”

She didn’t bother to point out that they would be selling the property, and Mama wouldn’t be able to visit his burial spot whenever she wanted. First things first.

Twenty minutes later, Maxi sat beside her mother’s wheelchair in the lobby of the Rainbow Falls Mortuary, waiting while the clerk retrieved her father’s remains. Mama sat in perfect tranquility, her hands folded on her lap, while Maxi jiggled and tapped and shifted in the guest chair. Unable to contain herself a moment longer, she jerked out of her seat to pace the lush green carpeting that muffled her harried steps. The unnatural stillness made Maxi want to scream. The scent of flowers and vanilla-scented candles seemed bent on suffocating her.

“Maxine, come and sit with me.” Mama’s soft voice beckoned Maxi back.

Reluctantly she returned to the chair flanked by a mahogany side table topped with an expected box of tissue. Everything about this place, with its air of death and grief, made Maxi cringe.

Bernice reached out and took her hand. “You haven’t accepted your father’s passing yet, have you?”

The question jarred Maxi. Her throat felt thick and dry. “I guess not. I still picture him out on his tractor in the fields.”

“I know you two hadn’t got on the best in recent years, but I want you to know he loved you very much.”

Maxi flew to her feet, the blood rushing from her head. “That’s not true, Mama. He hated me for letting Drew die.” The words were out of her mouth before she had time to check them. She bit down hard on her bottom lip, not sure whether to control the trembling or to keep her from blurting out something worse.

“Charlie didn’t hate you. You were his only daughter. He loved you.”

Maxi shook her head in denial. Tears blurred her vision of the painting on the opposite wall. “He always blamed me. I know it was my fault. I should never have left the house that night when I was supposed to be watching Drew.”

“You thought he was asleep. How could you know he’d sneak out to his treehouse with matches?”

“If I’d been home…”

“If you were home, he would’ve waited until you were asleep. You know how Drew was once he had something in his head.” Pain laced Mama’s sigh.

Maxi swiped at the dampness on her cheeks. She’d never considered that possibility before. “He was a stubborn one, wasn’t he?”

Her mother smiled. “Not unlike his older sister.” She wheeled over to take Maxi’s hand in hers. “The truth is, dear, your father forgave you long ago. Charlie actually blamed himself for leaving the matches out where Drew could find them. For taking me away on a romantic evening when he should’ve been home on the farm where he belonged.”

Maxi tried to believe her mother’s words. “He never told me any of this. Just called me a whore for running off to meet a boy.”

Not any boy either. Jason Hanley whom Charlie loathed. Jason personified irresponsibility to Charlie, yet he’d never even bothered to talk to Jason.

“Your father was wrong to say that. It was his own anger and guilt speaking.” Mama’s pale eyes grew watery. “He regretted it more than you know, except his stubborn pride would never let him apologize to you. Pride was your father’s biggest flaw. Other than his drinking.”

Maxi sagged onto the nearest chair and faced her mother. “How did you put up with it, Mama? How did you ever forgive him?”

One lone tear traced a path over Bernice’s pale cheek, but she smiled at her daughter. “I forgave him because I loved him. It’s that simple.”

Maxi jerked upright as the truth slammed into her with the force of an airplane hitting a brick wall. I forgave him because I loved him. Could it really be that easy?

Mama patted her arm. “I know you can forgive your father, Maxine, because it’s the right thing to do. And because deep down you loved him.”

Fresh tears flowed down Maxi’s cheeks. Her voice croaked out as a whisper. “All I ever wanted was for Daddy to say he was sorry. So I could tell him I was sorry, too.”

Mama brought Maxi’s hand to her lips and kissed it gently. “You just did.”

 

****

 

Jason wiped his sweating palms on his jeans, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door of Clint Hanley’s room at the Rainbow Inn. The walls in the hallway needed painting, and the scent of pine freshener clung to the air, not quite masking the musky odor of the stained carpeting. Several seconds passed with no response, and Jason dared to hope Clint was out. He was about to turn away when shuffling footsteps sounded inside.

“Who is it?” came the gruff voice.

“Jason.”

After a brief moment of silence, the lock turned, and Clint slowly opened the door. Today, without the red haze of anger to cloud his vision, Jason took a critical look at his father. Clint stood almost the same height as Jason, his frame much slimmer. His black hair had turned mostly gray, even his mustache. Clear blue eyes had faded with time, or maybe the spark of life within had dulled. His unbuttoned shirt revealed a wrinkled white undershirt beneath. Red suspenders hung limply at his side. Clearly Jason had awakened him from a nap.

“May I come in?” Jason kept his tone even.

Animation returned to Clint’s face. “That depends. You planning on perpetrating any violence?”

A reluctant smile tugged at Jason’s lips. “I don’t think so.”

Clint swung the door wide and invited Jason in. “Don’t mind the mess. I wasn’t expecting company.”

Take-out food wrappers littered the small table in the corner of the room. The bed linens sat in a tangled ball in the middle of the bed. The lingering smell of greasy food hung in the air. Clint moved to pull a pair of pants and a tie off one of the side chairs. “Have a seat. Give me one minute to straighten up.”

In silence, Jason sat on the uncomfortable chair while Clint hastily rearranged the bedding, picked up the trash, and disappeared into the adjoining bathroom. Seconds later he reappeared, wiping his face with a towel. Jason watched as his father pulled over a second chair and took a seat. He put down the towel and fixed Jason with a solemn stare. “So what brings you by?”

“I’ve decided to hear your side of the story.”

Clint’s eyebrow rose a fraction of an inch. “I’m not going to ask what changed your mind. Whoever or whatever it was, I’m grateful.”

Jason folded his arms over his chest, not prepared to soften yet. “Why don’t you start at the beginning? Why’d you leave mom and me?”

Clint lowered his head for a moment, and Jason thought he was going to try to weasel out of the truth. Then he raised his eyes to Jason’s in a direct gaze, his face set in an expression of resignation. “I’m not going to make excuses for my behavior. Nothing can excuse what I did.” He sighed. “I was young and selfish. The realities of living with a wife and a child wore me down, little by little. One day, my boss called me in and told me he had to let someone on the sales team go. Said there wasn’t enough work to keep two insurance agents on, and I was being laid off. I begged him to reconsider because I had family to support. But since the other man had four children, there was no choice. On the way home, I stopped at the bar in the hotel for some liquid courage before I faced your mother. But after a few too many, instead of going home, I left town.”

Jason curled his hands into fists. What kind of coward disappeared on his family? His disgust must’ve shown on his face.

“I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. It was a lowdown, lousy thing to do.” Clint hung his head. “Once I sobered up a few weeks later and realized the mess I’d made, I went back and tried to make it up to Peg. But she wouldn’t have anything to do with me. She thought there was another woman involved.” He held out a hand, palm out. “But I swear there wasn’t.”

Jason grudgingly decided he was telling the truth. “Go on.”

“I tried everything I could think of to make amends. Nothing worked. She wanted no part of me. Even threatened to get a restraining order if I didn’t leave her alone.” Clint fiddled with the tab of a soda can. “Finally I settled in Bismarck, taking odd jobs, and I kept trying to see you. Peg wouldn’t return my calls. When I came to town on my days off, she would never let me in the house.”

A toxic swirl of emotions swam in Jason’s stomach. Disbelief, anger, and resentment all warred to gain the upper hand. “You could’ve gone to court. Demanded visitation rights.”

Clint pressed his lips together. “If I’d had the money for a lawyer, maybe. I didn’t have a steady income, so there was nothing I could do. Finally after about a year of trying to outwit your mother, I gave up.”

So he did give up on me after all.

Jason shifted in his seat to ease the pressure in his chest. “What happened then?”

Clint stood and walked to the grimy window. “I’m not proud of my life after that point.” He shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his pants. “Alcohol became my comfort and my mistress. I gave her all my money and all my time. In return, she gave me nothing but ill health and a stint in prison.”

“You were in prison?”

Clint nodded and shot a glance over his shoulder. “For the past eighteen years. Serving time for armed robbery.” He slumped forward as if the weight of his actions wore him down. “I got out two months ago.”

Silence sat between them like a stone as Jason stared at Clint’s back. It was worse than he’d imagined. His father was a criminal. An ex-con.

Clint turned to face Jason. “I know I have no right to expect anything from you, but I had to see you at least once and explain myself.” He walked toward Jason, knelt down until their eyes were level, and fixed him with a sincere look. “I’m sorry for everything, son. All the hardships you endured because of me. All the pain. But I want you to know I’ve always loved you. Not being able to see you all those years almost killed me.”

Spasms gripped Jason’s gut. The words he’d always longed to hear from his father, the words he’d imagined every night as a child, now filled him with panic. The room seemed to shrink, taking the air out with it. Jason jerked to his feet.

He looked once at his father, unable to comprehend the tears in the man’s eyes—tears that matched his own anguish. “I have to go.”

He lurched toward the door, wrenched it open, and stumbled into the hallway. Without a glance behind him, he dashed down the hall to the staircase and kept running.