Street and it’s only when I go to stick a couple of squids in the meter that I realize my hands are, like, trembling. I head towards the Dorsh station. It storts to piss out of the heavens. I’m about, like, twenty minutes early, roysh, and I use the time to try to think of something that will basically save me a beating, roysh, and still get him to play against Blackrock, who’ll piss all over us if he’s not playing.

I’m standing at the crossing, roysh, and suddenly the barrier storts coming down and there’s a train pulling in, and all of a sudden, roysh, I come up with what I have to admit is a pretty decent line. I’m sort of, like, craning my neck, roysh, trying to see if Pikey’s getting off and all of a sudden I see the dude stomping his way down the ramp towards me and opening up his blue Henri Lloyd sailing jacket, like he’s getting ready to deck someone – basically me. Quick as a flash, just as he’s getting near me, roysh, I turn around and go, ‘If it’s any consolation, she was the one who came on to me. She was basically gagging for it,’ but the goy’s in no mood to listen to reason and all of a sudden – BANG! BANG! BANG! – three punches and the next thing I know I’m lying in, like, a puddle and he’s leaning over me, roysh, and he has me by the scruff of the neck and my head’s focking spinning and there’s a taste of, like, blood in my mouth.

I’m waiting for the kicks to stort coming in, but then I hear this voice go, ‘That’s enough,’ and I look up and there’s, like, three blokes there and, even though my vision is blurry, I sort of, like, vaguely recognize two of them as bouncers from, like, Reynord’s. Pikey goes, ‘He slept with my girlfriend,’ and one of the goys goes, ‘And now you’ve had your fun with him. But that’s enough. You’re not hitting him again.’

Pikey looks down at me, roysh, then at him, then back at me again, then he lets go of me – my black DKNY shirt is basically focked – and he goes, ‘Don’t bother showing your face at the match this afternoon. I’ve spoken to the rest of the goys and they’ve all agreed: if you’re coaching us, no one’s playing,’ and off he goes.

One of the bouncer dudes – he actually focked me out of Cocoon once before and Reynord’s twice – he hands me a mobile and goes, ‘There’s a telephone call for you,’ and I hold it up to my ear, roysh, which feels pretty badly bruised from where Pikey caught me when I was on the way down, and I’m just there, ‘Hello?’ and I hear this voice and it’s just like, ‘You’re some fooken tulip.’

It’s Ronan.

My head’s too sore to even stort working this out. I’m there, ‘How did you…’ and he goes, ‘I told you, Rosser. I’ve eyes and ears all over this town. The boys there are good friends of mine. I told them you were in a spot of bother. How were they, alreet?’ and I’m like, ‘They could have got here a bit quicker,’ and he’s there, ‘They’ve been there for an hour. I told them to let him get a few digs in on you. He was entitled, Rosser. And it might knock some bleedin’ sense into you.’

Doesn’t matter what side I lie on, roysh, my face still hurts. Haven’t, like, checked my boat out yet, but I’d say I’ve got at least one black eye, the left one, and my ear on the other side feels pretty bruised and I’ve got this, like, ringing noise in my head. The clock on the Savalas says it’s, like, half-five in the afternoon. I go to the window and I can see the last few stragglers making their way past the Berkeley Court and back towards town. There’s, like, six or seven Castlerock goys taking the total piss out of these two Blackrock heads, which gives me a fair idea of the result.

I wander back to the bed and think about sticking on an old grown-ups’ movie to try to, like, cheer myself up, but I’ve seen them all at least three times at this stage. I check my mobile. I’ve, like, one missed call. I dial 171 and it’s, like, Fehily, talking in this, like, whisper. He’s there, ‘I’m sorry, my child, you cannot be with us on our day of glory. A sin of the flesh, I am told. We have all fallen, my child.’

Then he goes, ‘You have no doubt pondered on the fact that, with you absent today, Scripture has been fulfilled. Moses worked hard to lead his people to the Holy Land, but he never made it there himself. His crime was to doubt the Lord when his flock was dying of thirst in the Desert of Zin. Yours was something quite different, I know, but let me read to you from the Book of Deuteronomy. I hope it will bring you succour in this lonely hour.’

He goes, ‘On that same day the Lord told Moses, “Go up into the Abarim Range to Mount Nebo in Moab, across from Jericho, and view Canaan, the land I am giving the Israelites as their own possession. There on the mountain that you have climbed you will die and be gathered to your people, just as your brother Aaron died on Mount Hor and was gathered to his people. This is because both of you broke faith with me in the presence of the Israelites at the waters of Meribah Kadesh in the Desert of Zin and because you did not uphold my holiness among the Israelites. Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel.’

He goes, ‘But at least, my child, like Moses you got to enjoy the view from Mount Nebo. And for that you were blessed… Ein volk, ein Reich, ein Rock! Ein volk, ein Reich, ein Rock!’