CHAPTER 5

BEING YOU (WHOEVER THAT IS)

You’re a trans guy but you still want to present in a feminine way? Perfectly fine. You’re non binary but you feel most comfortable expressing yourself in a masculine way? Go for it! You’re a trans girl and you want nothing more than to be a girly girl and do all the girly things? You go, girl!

Being you – whoever that is – is the most important thing. Allow yourself to explore and live out your identity, whether or not that falls into social norms. You don’t have to be tied down by outdated gender roles on how boys, girls or non binary people should look and behave. There are so many of us, and we really don’t have time to be put in yet another box that doesn’t fit us. Life’s too short. So while some of the things mentioned below might seem extremely stereotypical, they offer you an insight into gender expressions and ways of dressing that will portray femininity, masculinity and androgyny according to the norms of society. Just remember that no gender expression belongs to any gender and that anyone can use any of these tips or clothing to express themselves. Have fun with it. Mix and match. And do note that all of these suggestions can also be seen as something completely different. It’s all about how you do it and how you see it.

GENDER EXPRESSION AND PRESENTATION

There are many different types of gender expressions out there. Generally we like to view presentation as a threefold thing, where people can present as feminine, masculine or androgynous. This, however, is often a simplification, and very bound to social norms and what we consider to be feminine, masculine or androgynous. So while these terms describe a certain presentation, it’s important that we realise how fleeting and changing they are. Things that were once inherently masculine, such as high heels (we’re not kidding), are now considered one of the biggest signs of femininity. And pink was a boy’s colour in Victorian times because it was considered a watered-down version of red, the colour of war. Blue was for girls because it was cheaper to make fabric in this colour and girls weren’t treated as equal to boys.

So instead of teaching you how to ‘dress like a boy’ or ‘dress like a girl’, we are going to give you some advice and tips on presentation and styles that are generally considered masculine, feminine or androgynous. So see it as a very loose guide on what you can do. Just remember that none of these styles actually belong to a certain gender. Anyone should have the freedom to present however they want, whether that is feminine, masculine or androgynous, regardless of their gender. Try checking out the hashtags #thisiswhattranslookslike and #thisiswhatnonbinarylookslike on social media to see a kaleidoscope of trans people and their expressions!

PASSING AND PERCEPTION

Passing is a term often used to describe whether or not you are perceived as cisgender by others. For example, if a trans woman is generally seen as a cisgender woman by others, based solely on the way she looks, she ‘passes’. Obviously this term is in many ways problematic, as it creates a norm or an idea of how men and women should look. This is almost always based on cisnormative ideas about men and women and perpetuates the idea that all men look a certain way and that all women look a certain way. But even among cisgender people this isn’t the case, so the norm itself is often very flawed. It’s important to remember that we are all different, and men and women or non binary people all look different. There is no one way of looking like a man, woman or a non binary person.

On the flip side, passing is very important to some trans people and it can even be a matter of safety. Those who pass generally experience less harassment and can go through their day without anyone actually knowing that they are trans. It means they don’t have to face the same levels of transphobia that are more often experienced by those who don’t pass. In places where transphobia is extremely high, passing can even be a lifesaving thing. This doesn’t mean that those who pass never experience transphobia – often people know you are trans through association, through knowing you personally, etc. But passing inevitably gives you a certain advantage and protection against some types of transphobia that others might be more vulnerable to.

Being constantly seen as trans and being constantly harassed or discriminated against due to the way you look can be exhausting, unsafe and soul-destroying. This is why many trans people try their best to pass with the help of things such as makeup, vocal training, hormones, binding, padding and even surgeries. Every person is different and it’s important to respect a person’s choice to try to pass, and the steps they might take to achieve that.

Fox Fisher

SEXUAL ORIENTATION, BODIES AND DATING

Often people will confuse gender identity and sexual orientation, and will see being trans as being gay or lesbian. This can easily be challenged and corrected by saying that your gender identity is how you see yourself, whereas your sexual orientation is who you’re attracted to. These are two separate things but they are interconnected.

In order to be a gay man, you must obviously be a man. It means your gender identity is a man and you’re attracted to other men. Just like everyone else, trans people can have any sexual orientation. They can be gay men, lesbians, straight, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, demisexual and so on. For those of you who are unfamiliar with these terms, we will give you a quick rundown of these different sexual orientations.

Bisexual and pansexual are very much alike. Both of these refer to people who are attracted to more than one gender. Pansexual has often been described as being attracted to someone regardless of their gender and rather because of their personality, but it’s not quite that simple. Pansexual people can of course have physical preferences or be attracted to other qualities as well. Some people suggest that being pansexual means you are attracted to trans and intersex people, but such claims suggest that trans and intersex people can’t be men and women and that to be attracted to them requires you to have a specific sexual orientation. You can be straight, gay or bisexual and still be attracted to trans people as the vast majority of trans people fall inside the binary of being a man or a woman.

Pansexual is a term that was created in an attempt to encompass attraction to more gender identities than just man or woman. While some people like to describe pansexual as more inclusive of diverse gender identities than bisexual (hence ‘pan’, which means ‘all’, as opposed to ‘bi’, which means two), the definition of bisexual has also changed. Because of the constant focus on the gender binary and lack of awareness about gender identities that fall outside the binary of men and women, bisexuality has generally been seen as an attraction to both men and women. However, here too the definition isn’t quite that simple and being bisexual is now generally taken to mean being attracted to two or more genders. Bi and pan are therefore quite interchangeable.

Forx Fisher

Asexual (or ace) is an umbrella term for people who don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone, people who have very limited sexual attraction, or people who can only develop sexual attraction if certain attributes are in place. Being asexual includes a broad set of experiences and there are many who separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction. This means that if someone is asexual, they can still experience romantic attraction, want to be in a relationship, and even in certain circumstances be sexual with their partners. It’s important to remember that people who are ace experience it in different ways. As you can imagine, this opens up a whole new spectrum of people having certain sexual attractions and romantic attractions (such as homoromantic, heteroromantic, biromantic, etc.).

As asexual is an umbrella term, there are many other terms that fall under it, such as demisexual. Demisexual refers to people who need to have a very strong emotional connection with someone before being able to develop a sexual attraction to them.

As you can see, sexual orientation is diverse and there are probably as many sexual orientations out there as there are people, as we all have our individual experiences, attractions and so on.

A lot of confusion also appears around trans people and dating. People have said that if a cis man would date a trans woman, it would make him a gay man or at least bisexual. This stems from the stereotypical view that trans women are really men and is invalidating their identity as women. It’s important to remember that trans women are always women, regardless of whether or not they have had surgery. If a man dates a trans woman, it doesn’t automatically make him gay or bisexual. If he’s a straight cis man, he’ll continue to be one, regardless. It’s not up to others to decide someone’s sexual orientation – it is a very complicated thing created out of many factors.

Fox Fisher

Often the conversation leads to trans people’s genitals, and people will say that they just aren’t into certain types of genitals. Obviously there is little you can do to change people’s opinions on this, but you can challenge their views and say that this is obviously because society as a majority has established that certain types of people and certain types of bodies are the norm. Anyone straying out of this norm therefore automatically becomes different, and that can lead to prejudice and stigma towards them and their bodies (not to mention that trans people can have all sorts of bodies and there are so many different ways of having sex). Don’t waste your time with people who are stuck in their cisnormative and heteronormative ways. You’re better off finding someone who appreciates you and your body, no matter what.

There is a lot of stigma around dating and trans people, and trans people might face prejudice and stigma when putting themselves out there. People are often so prejudiced against trans people that they say that they would never date a trans person. Statements like that are rooted in prejudice, as we’re clearly attracted to people for who they are, and people don’t always know who is trans and who is not. So if someone is attracted to a trans person but is then immediately put off once they find out they are trans, it’s obvious that they have a certain prejudice towards trans people and perhaps have preconceived ideas about trans people and their bodies. In that kind of situation people have even become abusive or violent towards trans people, although those are extreme cases. Obviously, no trans person would want to waste their time on someone who doesn’t want to date them, so it’s important to find people who will appreciate you for who you are and not make offensive, hurtful or damaging comments about you being trans.

Just know that there are plenty of decent human beings who accept you as who you are and aren’t prejudiced or negative towards dating you because you’re trans. Within queer circles you are often more likely to find support and respect, so don’t let bad people who don’t appreciate you bring you down. You deserve love and compassion, just like everyone else. Never settle for anything less.

FEMININITY, MASCULINITY AND ANDROGYNY

There many different types of femininity. Being feminine isn’t just about putting on makeup, growing your hair longer and wearing dresses and frilly things (even though that is one way of doing it!). Femininity can be a range of things and it’s important you find what things are suitable for you. It’s also important to remember that not only girls can or should wear clothing or accessories that are considered feminine – these things should be for anyone who wants them and feels comfortable with them. Clothing that emphasises your figure (e.g. your waist) is most often considered feminine. Feminine clothing is often lighter, tighter or more floaty, and therefore often has less material and is even less likely to have pockets. (What’s that all about? Who doesn’t want pockets?)

As with femininity, masculinity has many forms. Even though feminine clothing generally has more options, the men’s section has so many different styles that can help you to look more masculine and give you that look you’re aiming for. Clothing that gives you more of a bulky figure or emphasises your shoulders, arms and flat chest are usually considered masculine.

As mentioned above, you should really just find clothing and a style that feels comfortable for you, regardless of your identity. Your identity is who you are and your expression is how you express yourself. This means that anyone who feels comfortable expressing themselves as masculine should do so. Don’t be tied down by gender roles!

Androgyny is often seen somewhere in between feminine and masculine gender expression, if not leaning more towards a masculine gender expression. It is often associated with people who are non binary – but just like with femininity and masculinity, gender expressions shouldn’t be tied to certain identities. It doesn’t make anyone less of a woman if she doesn’t express in a feminine way. It doesn’t make a man any less of a man if he doesn’t present as masculine. And it doesn’t make non binary people any less non binary if they don’t dress in an androgynous manner. These categories are all just made up and our perceptions of them are entirely created by us.

So, just remember that however you express yourself or present is entirely up to you. It doesn’t change your actual identity and doesn’t diminish it anyway. You just have to remember to be you – whoever that is. The suggestions listed below are very general and superficial, based on general perceptions of femininity, masculinity and androgyny. They are in no way a holy list of what you should or could wear. Some of these items might even be entirely the opposite in the right context, so just be aware that you should really only wear what you think is comfortable and fits you.

BINDING

Binding is an effective way to make your chest flatter and there are a lot of people who use this as an option. It can help a lot with dysphoria and ‘passing’ since the appearance of breasts increases the chances of people using female pronouns. Popular brands for binders include Underworks and GC2b. Many people see their binder as an essential part of their wardrobe, although prolonged usage really isn’t recommended. People have suffered from restricting blood flow, back problems, rashes and even cracked ribs from their binder being too tight or on for too long. Try to pre-empt any of this by loosening or removing your binder when at home or when you’re wearing baggy clothing.

Fox Fisher

Some people opt for tape instead, which is a specific type of breathable tape that releases moisture and can be used for up to three days at a time. There are several brands, but we recommend Trans Tape, which was created by a trans guy who just couldn’t find a binder that worked for him.

In the long term, binding can have negative consequences on your health and it’s so important to get the right type of binder and make sure you are not straining your body too much. When trying to attain more of a masculine look, you can wear oversized T-shirts, shirts, jackets and hoodies. Working out also helps to change some breast tissue into pecs, although we don’t recommend working out in a binder.

Top tip: If binding is something you will need to do every day for the foreseeable future, you can minimise washing time and itchiness by wearing a vest first and then your binder.

No money for a binder or unable to make the purchase online? There are a few binder schemes, like MORF Binders (email: binders@morf.org.uk), which helps to recycle old binders and pair you up with one for free. It may take you a few attempts to find one that works best for you and your body shape.

PACKING

A packer it used to give the appearance of having a penis and is a phallic object that is worn in your underwear. It provides comfort for lower dysphoria, and helps with ‘passing’.

Packers range from a rolled-up sock stuffed down your underpants, to a very expensive medical prosthesis that is attached to the body with surgical glue.

Some packers offer a 3-in-1 option – pack, pee and play – which means you can use your packer to pee through and (usually once a rod is inserted in it), to use with partners in the bedroom.

What packer you choose always comes down to your personal preference. Some trans men prefer a soft, realistic feel, while others prefer to have something that looks more like a penis. Others are more concerned about how long the packer will last. And for many, price is also an overriding factor. For example, Reel Magik is super-expensive, but you might be able to find something way cheaper which meets your needs and is comfortable enough for everyday use.

Obviously not everyone who is trans masculine will feel the need to pack, but for some it helps with their dysphoria. However, some trans masculine people actually find that having a packer in their pants gives them more dysphoria because it’s still not actually attached to their body.

When choosing a size, you may be tempted to GO LARGE – however, you don’t want to look like you have a constant erection, so be aware of the phrase ‘everything in moderation’.

PADDING

Breast padding and hip padding can be an easy way to add curves to your figure and emphasise femininity. They can often be bought online or even in underwear stores, especially breast padding. When thinking about breast padding, it’s important to get a bra or top that fits you and your body type. A lot of people often wear the wrong size and it’s always important to take measurements and make sure you’ve got the correct fit. We’ll give you some advice on how to find out the right size for you in Chapter 2.

HAIRSTYLES

Long hair has often been associated with femininity, even though this is also very debatable and depends on the style and time in history. Who hasn’t seen a metal rock guy with luscious long hair? So while long hair is often associated with femininity, what really matters is in what context and style you wear it. You can also straighten it, curl it, make it wavy or play a little with it. So the longer the hair, the more options you have for all sorts of hairstyles.

Short hair is generally associated with masculinity or androgyny, but there are also many short hairstyles out there that are considered feminine. As with long hair, it’s really all about the context and how you wear it. It’s only hair after all, so why would we even gender it? With short hair you have fewer options for different hairstyles, but short hairstyles often give you a more defined look and might fit better with your style. So whether you grow your hair, shave the sides, keep it short, get a bowl cut, or whatever, it’s important to find something that fits you. Taking care of your hair can often be hard work, especially if you colour it. It’s been a running joke within the queer community for a few years now that you aren’t really queer unless you have coloured hair. While it’s quite ridiculous to think queer people would be more likely to have coloured hair, the idea does sometimes seem to have some weight to it. Perhaps it’s because queer people like to experiment more? Perhaps it’s about a certain kind of mindset? Maybe it’s because of the stereotype? Who knows! Just remember that whatever you decide doesn’t make you any less or more of anything. You’re just you.

Fox Fisher

DRESSES AND SKIRTS

 

These items generally complement your figure and emphasise things such as your waist, hips, chest and legs. While dresses and skirts are mostly considered feminine attire, there are so many different types of dresses out there that you can make them fit into almost any style. It’s not only about wearing princess dresses; it’s also about finding dresses that suit you and your style. There are so many options and differently cut dresses offer different things. Some dresses even come with shoulder pads which emphasise your shoulders and chest, so be creative!

SHIRTS AND BLOUSES

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Shirts, fancy shirts and oversized shirts are very classic items of clothing and are generally seen as more neutral or masculine. They are very versatile, and different shirts work for different occasions. Having a variety of styles is always good, whether it’s for casually going out with friends or for a more formal event. Buying oversized shirts can often help with giving you more of a boxy shape. They are also perfect to wear over your T-shirt and binder and can help with giving you a flatter chest if they are the right size. Blouses, see-through shirts or thin shirts are usually perceived as more feminine and often have more of a tight cut, especially around the waist.

HOODIES AND JUMPERS

Hoodies and jumpers are an essential part of anyone’s wardrobe (and everyone should have at least one cosy jumper). Buying slightly oversized ones can help with giving you a more boxy shape, not to mention just being very comfortable and practical. You can also buy tighter ones or even shapes that narrow at the waist to emphasise your waist, chest and hips.

SHOES, SHOES, SHOES

Who doesn’t love shoes? Obviously there are a lot of different shoes out there, so picking something that fits with your style is essential. In today’s society, high heels are generally perceived as a sign of femininity. High heels come in so many different forms, and we encourage you to find some that fit your particular style. High heels can be a real pain to walk in and we wouldn’t suggest you wear shoes that actually hurt you. There’s also some research that suggests wearing high heels is actually pretty bad for the body, so do keep that in mind! Flats can be equally fabulous and give you much more freedom than heels. Then there are platforms! They are the perfect shoes if you want a little boost in height but absolutely cannot wear high heels.

Shoes that are perceived as more masculine or neutral are generally sneakers, trainers, sneakers, boots and dress shoes. But obviously any of these could fit with feminine clothing, and vice versa.

HATS, BEANIES AND CAPS

Hats and caps can be a great way to add to your outfit and they have lots of potential. A nice hat can make you seem a lot more dapper in a formal situation, whereas caps and beanies are more casual and will generally give you more of a cool factor. So depending on what style you’re going for, they can really add to your outfit.

Fox Fisher

JEANS

There are so many different types of jeans, and fashion changes very rapidly. These days skinny jeans are really in, or at least jeans with tight ankles are. What’s important to remember about jeans is that if you want more of a casual look or jeans that are perceived as masculine, look for ones that have a lower crotch, a longer zipper or buttons. High-waisted jeans are usually super-tight, with a shorter zipper, and tend to emphasise the waist, hips and bottom, so are generally seen as more feminine.

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JACKETS

Bomber jackets, shirt jackets, patterned jackets, jean jackets…so many choices! Jackets are a great way to add to your wardrobe and there really are endless types that could suit.

There are also all sorts of nice tight-fitted jackets out there, and embroidered jackets seem to be making a comeback. Depending on the cut of the jacket, it will emphasise or add to certain shapes. Bigger jackets such as bomber jackets will generally be

seen as more masculine or neutral, whereas tighter jackets are generally seen as more feminine.

The classic jean jacket and the denim gilet will both give you a very cool and alternative look, so don’t fear the denim. (Just don’t pull the Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake double denim look – that truly was a denim disaster!)

SUITS

A dapper suit will instantly make you look very fancy and attractive. There are some great suits around that can suit you (pun intended). Just be sure to buy a matching shirt – and, if you fancy it – a tie or a bow-tie. Dress shoes are always good to wear with a suit, but it’s important that you mix and match what you think looks good and aren’t afraid to experiment.

Suits that have more of a boxy shape (a classic tuxedo, for example) will generally be seen as more masculine or neutral, especially if accompanied by a jacket and/or a gilet. You can also get tight suits or suits with shorter trousers, and those are generally seen as more feminine, especially if the jacket or gilet narrow at the waist.

Sophie Labelle, Assigned Male Comics