CHAPTER 17

SELF-CARE AND
HOW TO HELP OTHERS

While being trans today is a completely different story than it was ten years ago, it’s far from easy. In fact, it can be exhausting. Being trans can have many different challenges, and all the tiny micro aggressions start to weigh on you alongside everything else you have to deal with. This is why it’s so important to take time for yourself, relax and do things that you enjoy. Regardless of whether or not the things you enjoy are stereotypically girl or boy things, just remember to be you and do what you love. Your gender identity isn’t any less valid because you have certain types of hobbies or things you like to do.

If you’re involved in some sort of activism or support for others, it’s important to set some boundaries for yourself. Don’t completely exhaust yourself with every single thing there is to do – you’re no good to anyone if you’re burnt out! Make sure you take time to recharge and say no to things. Delegate things to other people or simply say you can’t take them on right now. Make sure you pay attention to your studies. Take a walk. Make yourself some tea. Run a bath. Watch your favourite show. Pamper yourself.

Below are some ideas for you, but obviously don’t feel bound by this list. It’s just a few suggestions if you’re feeling lost about what you can do.

READ A GOOD BOOK

Reading a book and getting immersed in another world is often a fantastic way to relax and forget about your worries. Often people don’t give themselves the time to do this but we promise you that it will definitely be worth it. Google some books that might suit your interests and either go to a bookshop or simply order them online. It’s so easy to get books these days that it’s almost a crime we don’t read them more! You can even download books onto your devices and read them from there. Take advantage of that, have a good cup of tea and get lost in a story.

MEDITATE

Meditation can be an incredible source of calm and serenity. It’s all about connecting with your inner self and focusing your energy towards the positive and the things that bring you joy. There are many different guides on how to meditate, and those who meditate regularly have said it increases their happiness, decreases their stress levels and anxiety, increases blood circulation, has positive effects on their health and really allows them to put things into perspective. It might seem a bit strange at first and you might not know exactly how to do it, but there isn’t any one way to do it right.

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To start with, find a quiet spot where you can relax. Either sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Some people sit on soft cushions or mats.

Close your eyes and don’t worry about controlling your breath – just breathe normally. Notice how your breath makes your chest rise and how it fills your lungs. Simply focus on this and keep bringing yourself back to it if your mind wanders. Try this for a few minutes every day to start with and then start doing it for longer periods of time. Combine this with a yoga routine for a treat for your mind and body!

There are also plenty of guides online, so do some research and get into it!

PLAY VIDEO GAMES

Playing video games can be a super-good way to get some downtime and have some fun! There are so many different types of video games out there that the possibilities are quite endless. It all depends on what stuff you have though. In order to play some of the high-end graphic games you’ll need either a pretty good PC with some great specs, or you’re going to need to get a console such as a PlayStation or an Xbox. But once you have these, you can select from thousands and thousands of games!

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There are also browser games that you can play in your browser, which can be quite good fun. So just find some that suit you. Car games, fantasy games, sci-fi, role-playing games, online games, shooter games, co-op,

strategy – you’re spoilt for choice! Some of the bigger role-playing games even have trans representation as well as other LGBTQIA+ characters, most notably in Dragon Age: Inquisition, in the ‘Dragon Age’ series by BioWare.

Getting lost in a great video game can be amazing, but don’t forget to interact with the real world too! It might seem enticing just to stay in and play video games, but we definitely don’t recommend it for hours and hours on end. Also go and spend time with some friends, your family and the people around you. We all need human interaction – even if saving the world seems so much more fun!

MAKE ART

There’s nothing more exciting and fulfilling than creating something that you are proud of. And there are so many different ways to make art! You can paint, draw, craft, screenprint, write or do just about anything. And there is no right or wrong way to do it – creating something is a process that you do on your own terms. So don’t be afraid to explore different elements of making art. If you don’t think you are a very creative person and you can’t really make things, why not sign up for a course in something you haven’t tried before? You might suddenly realise that you have a knack for crafting or that screenprinting is a process you just didn’t know about before and it’s totally amazing!

Trans people often feel like they have to make art that has something to do with gender, but you don’t have to do that at all. You can make whatever you want, so don’t feel bound to creating something that’s related to your trans experience. It’s actually quite freeing to create something different and explore different parts of yourself. We are all so much more than just trans, and exploring those sides of us and letting ourselves create things outside of that can be very good for getting our minds off things and really seeking out our true knack for something.

MUSIC: SING, PLAY AN INSTRUMENT OR SIMPLY ENJOY IT

Music is one of the things in the world that can bring people joy, sadness, anger, happiness and inspiration, only in a matter of a few minutes! Music is a part of most people’s lives in one way or another. People play instruments or sing or simply enjoy listening to it. Whatever is your thing or whatever genre you like, it’s probably safe to say that you have at least one device that stores music that you like.

Music can have so many positive effects on our mood and mental wellbeing. It can help us focus and be productive or even deal with our feelings. It can give us inspiration for our projects and it can reflect our innermost feelings.

Many people therefore choose to learn how to play instruments and/or learn how to sing. These can be very expressive outlets for some people and become major parts of their lives. And it’s never too late to start! Learning to play an instrument requires some serious time and dedication though, and obviously there are certain instruments that are harder to learn than others. But there are plenty of cool instruments that have a relatively easy learning curve, such as tambourine, ukulele and instruments to set a rhythm. In the end, it all comes down to practice and passion. You won’t become an overnight genius at playing an in

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strument and sometimes it can take several years. But if you really set your mind to it, you can totally do it! It’s usually best to get lessons from professionals, but there are also plenty of tutorials and videos online that can get you started with the basics. Some people have a talent for music and instruments so try to explore that side if you haven’t already.

Many people have a special talent for singing, keeping a melody and being able to sing in tune. Singing well also has to do with practice and how and where you learn to sing. For trans people this can often be a bit complicated. People who take testosterone may find that their voice changes quite a lot. This causes some

people to be worried about losing their ability to sing, but it is totally possible to keep on singing, as we discussed in Chapter 2. Just make sure you practise and keep it up, and even get some professional help if you can. Others might feel very self-conscious about their voice and the way it sounds, but if you really have a passion for something, you shouldn’t let gender expectations prevent you from doing it.

Sing your favourite songs. Sing in the shower. Play an instrument. Connect to your musical side – or just sit back and listen to your favourite music. Music can be very therapeutic and relaxing.

HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Even though spending time with people might be a bit overwhelming sometimes and it’s good to spend some time on your own, spending time with friends or family who are supportive and great can be a really good way to switch off. We should always try to spend time with the people we love, and hanging out with friends and just being teenagers like everyone else is often something we forget as trans people because our days can be so consumed by being trans.

Not doing things related to trans stuff is essential in order to switch off, so go hang out with friends, go to the movies, go skateboarding, have a fashion show, make a comedy sketch, play Dungeons & Dragons or just do something fun!

COOK AND EAT GOOD FOOD

Many people find a passion for cooking and trying new food. Cooking can be an excellent way to switch off and get lost in creating delicious, amazing food that you can enjoy! Obviously, cooking isn’t everyone’s forte, but learning the basics is quite easy. Learning to be a master chef of course then takes time, so experiment and see where it leads you. Try starting with a few simple dishes such as spaghetti bolognese (vegan or non vegan) or making your own pizza or salad!

Some people also prefer baking to cooking other stuff, and this can be just as fun. There’s something very satisfying about seeing the things you mixed rise in the oven and become tasty goodness! First try your hand at making some simple muffins or pancakes – they are super-easy to make and taste delicious!

If cooking isn’t your thing, there are always places you can go to sample diverse and amazing food. Try visiting restaurants with different cuisines to see what’s your favourite. By trying new food you might get ideas and you can even learn to replicate your favourite dishes and cook them at home. Don’t be afraid to try new things!

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PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES

Taking a walk, going running, going to the gym, playing sports, doing yoga or any other physical activity has many benefits, both mentally and physically. Exercise helps your body strengthen and keep in shape as well as having good effects on your mental health. Many people love the feeling after a good workout, and it’s important to remember that no workout is ‘better’ than another – what matters is what fits you, your body shape and physical ability.

The discussion around exercising and health always inevitably comes down to body weight and being fat (or not being fat). It’s important to say that people who are fat aren’t automatically unhealthy – there are so many different body shapes and people out there, that making a blanket statement that fat automatically means unhealthy isn’t a very realistic or scientific way of measuring people’s health. There are so many other factors to consider, so please don’t be obsessed with going on a diet or shame yourself for your body weight.

Obsessive dieting doesn’t actually lead to better health, according to new research, and we really advise you to be aware that your worth isn’t measured on the weight scale. It’s also important to mention that fat should also never be used as a synonym for ‘ugly’. Fat people experience a lot of stigma and discrimination because of their weight, and it’s important that we aren’t contributing to other people’s unhappiness. Fat people are fully aware that they are fat, and they can certainly take care of themselves. Many fat people work out on a regular basis and aren’t unhealthy at all – so be mindful of what you assume and what you say to people.

Having said that, exercising and getting fit certainly isn’t a bad thing. But be mindful of your body’s limitations and take your time. Losing a lot of weight in a short amount of time is far from healthy, and building muscle and getting fit can take a long time and depends on a combination of exercise, what you eat and also your genetics. Don’t be too harsh on yourself – we’re all different, with different bodies, and they are all beautiful.

TEND TO YOUR HOBBIES IN GENERAL

Obviously there are so many other things that you can do in order to have some downtime – whether that’s a group activity or you doing things on your own. It’s always good to have a few hobbies that you like doing, so don’t be afraid to experiment. Some people really find their thing and it’s great once you get the hang of something. Staying active and finding things to do is very important for all of us.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE

Prin, 22-year-old non binary

Self-care and eating healthy are so much more important than we realise. Take time to be with yourself, learn about things you love, make positive experiences. Be mindful about what you’re putting in your body and how it makes you feel. This is the only time we have, so do what you need/can do to be happy. If you’re struggling, it will end one day, just don’t give up. Things get so much easier. You’ll find your family. Go out and connect with people you enjoy spending time with. Spend your time doing things you love. This is the most important thing I’ve learned. Also, because I didn’t know this, people with mental illness can be and are successful. You can learn to live with your illness because you are stronger than it. You have so much power. I believe in you.

Francis, 20-year-old trans man

Don’t ever use any tape for binding, even if it says it‘s safe. Don’t skip meals in order to lose weight in areas that make you uncomfortable as it won’t work, and it’s a vicious cycle. Exercise as much as you can, it’ll give you the power to help shape your body and keep endorphins flowing through you to help your mental health. Find fellow trans people to talk to and socialise with – you aren‘t alone and you are fabulous and beautiful.

Tuisku, 20-year-old non binary

My dysphoria is mostly social and I deal with it dressing the way I want and wearing clothes that I really like and make me happy. Often when I can’t function because of dysphoria I try to fill my day with as many activities as possible to distract me from it and later have a self-care session and do things I enjoy to make myself feel better.

Sebastien Alexander, 19-year-old non binary

I know a lot of trans guys in my area and we go out for coffee or do things like pot-lucks from time to time. It’s really therapeutic just being with other guys who know what you’re going through. I can relax and be myself. It’s what has ultimately helped me the most through the past three years. My advice for anyone is to find another person, a group of people, in the same situation as you so you can message them and just say, ‘Hey, I’m having a bad day,’ and they won’t judge.

Esme, 20-year-old trans woman

Just be you. Your identity is yours and yours alone and you don’t owe it to anyone to conform to what they believe you should be! Remember it ALWAYS gets better and there’s people out there who can help if you need it. Surround yourself with people who you love and [who] love you for you, and embrace the world.