Grandma Tsirl finished speaking, and we didn’t know that these were her final breaths. Salo approached the sedan chair and sat on the ground. We didn’t dare look at her silent face, and as we stood there we realized that Grandma Tsirl was an angel of God who had come to us at a time when our world lay in ruins. It hadn’t been easy to accept her. There were days when her words sounded absurd, but there were other days when we felt that she spoke from within our hidden hearts.
We couldn’t bear the overwhelming silence, and we went outside. Oddly, no one cried. The cigarettes we took from our pockets and lit were the most genuine expressions of the moment. What can you say about an angel of God that we had all seen, and what can you say when it has suddenly folded its wings?
We stood outside. Everything appeared as usual and yet different. The tents, the stoves, the tripods with their big pots, all the equipment we had struggled to collect in order to keep ourselves warm and fed—all these were material things. One could touch them, and yet they seemed to have arrived all of a sudden, and who knew if they would stay.
Isidor asked me for a cigarette. He lit it, cupping his hands. His movements, too, which looked real, seemed to say: What is the meaning of this life; where is it going? Will we soon go down from here to meet our loved ones, or will we stay here until disease and freezing weather finish us off?
Even the communists, who openly or privately opposed her words, were touched by Grandma Tsirl’s passing. Karl said, “I didn’t understand much of what she said, and what I did understand, I disagreed with. But I loved her. It’s hard to explain this contradiction.”
Salo rescued us from confusion. He took a piece of paper from his coat pocket and read the will that Grandma Tsirl had dictated to him on the day before she died: “ ‘Don’t fuss too much over me; bury me right after I die, together with my sedan chair, which has become part of me. Itche Meir will say Kaddish, and you will answer Amen. Don’t mourn for me. This is not a time to mourn an individual, but for a great moaning of the heart over what the sons of Satan have done to us.
“ ‘On the night that I leave, you will be going on a big and dangerous operation; I will pray from my new dwelling place that you will save many Jews. I don’t know if I will be able to send you a sign from there, but you can be sure that I am with you and will never stop telling the heavenly hosts about everything the evildoers have done. But as for you: see the good and only the good that is in each and every one of you.’ ”
Salo folded the paper. His hands shook, and he was obviously standing at the edge of the abyss. He hugged Michael, who trembled and said to him, “Don’t worry. Grandma Tsirl died peacefully and is on her way to heaven.”
“And we won’t see her again?”
“I don’t think so.”
It was fiercely cold outside, and several fighters went to dig a grave in the ice. We were close to Grandma Tsirl, and we loved her, but we didn’t know how to express that love in words. The wounded Danzig, who was brought to the tent, hoarsely cried, “We will no longer be able to ask Grandma Tsirl what is happening to us!”
The fighters who had dug the grave carried the sedan chair. Grandma Tsirl’s face was covered with the scarf she often wore. Before they lowered the chair into the pit, they covered it with wooden boards. The sedan chair lost its old shape and now resembled a plain coffin.
Isidor recited the Kaddish and El Maleh Rahamim, stressing every word. He suddenly appeared older than his years, as if he were the embodiment of his grandfather.
The fighters who dug the grave covered it with dirt mixed with snow. Miriam fainted and Salo tended to her. People didn’t move from the site.
Heavy snow began to fall. Those who expected Kamil to speak didn’t understand his silence, but people who did not look forward to a sermon appreciated his reticence at this time. Felix moaned to himself as if to say, What can one say?
We sat and drank tea for a long while, and there was a feeling that with the death of Grandma Tsirl, the pillars of our togetherness had begun to collapse. From now on we would carry out the commanders’ orders, but everyone would be bound up in himself. Kamil would not try to take the place of Grandma Tsirl. He might repeat some of her sayings. He’s a great commander, but he does not possess the power of the ancients.
About an hour before midnight, we could hear Kamil’s clear voice. “The fighters are requested to dress in appropriate clothes, clean their weapons, and securely tie their leggings, eat supper, and stand ready for departure at midnight sharp.” The explicit words instantly cut through the silence we had wrapped around us.
Someone said, “Maybe we’ll meet Reb Hanoch on the way.”