CHAPTER 20

YES, I’M STILL NUTS

For me, life’s pretty good. Yes, I’m still nuts. I still dissociate for roughly a third of the time. I still experience the raft of symptoms that come with borderline bastard personality disorder, including uninvited rage, fears that the people I love will leave me, urges to self-harm in wild and imaginative ways, and, of course, my old friend suicidal ideation. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

No, you’re right, that doesn’t sound pretty good. It feels a bit like I’ve just tried to sell you a car only to tell you it’s falling to bits.

Things are great. We manage those imposters as they rear their ugly heads. We put them in a darkened room with loud American cop shows – distracting them until they give up the ghost and wander off until the next time.

And …

I got married to the lovely Ella at the end of September 2017, galvanising the fact that I’m part of her wonderful world. She sees things in me that I often fail to see in myself, and after years of trial and error, we’ve learned to manage me. I’ve learned to accept that even though my condition can curtail what I do, it doesn’t define me … and that applies to every person I know with a mental health problem.

Walk a Mile is continuing to develop in all kinds of ways, growing wonderful arms and legs that I’d never imagined … but that, dear reader, is another story …

I was once told that you don’t write a book to make millions. You write a book to start a conversation.

I’m all ears.

Walk a Mile,

Chris