| |
Feeling numb, I sit on the soft sand of the beach and stare out at the ocean, over the tops of the pounding waves. Wrapping my arms tighter around myself, I recall Borden’s eyes from last night...
And the deep pain that had been so clear in his gaze as he had stared back at me as Tyler’s words had thrown everyone into a shocked silence.
Closing my eyes, I recall the moment I had met Borden.
Even now, my entire body feels an electrical thrill.
But as always, it ends in a deep and hollow ache as I open my eyes, and reality once again reminds me that he’s not mine.
And now Tyler’s impromptu proposal last night has completely severed any strings of even pretending to get along.
Once again squeezing my arms tight around me, I recall that exact moment when we had all been in the pool and Tyler had drunkenly blurted out his proposal.
“Oh no! Not yet, you don’t,” I once again recall hearing Tyler say in my ear.
When he had turned me to face him and had whispered, “I have something to ask you,” I had known exactly what he was going to say. The excitement in his eyes, the sincerity on his face even now makes my stomach drop because I had known that Tyler was going to drunkenly proceed, unknowingly causing so much pain...
I continue to torture myself as my brain continues down its path of remembrance.
Of Tyler raising his voice and easily ignoring me, despite me shaking my head in a silent plea to stop. Then knowing what was coming - wanting and wishing desperately and helplessly for it not to happen, not then, perhaps not ever, especially like this – I had mentally braced myself as Tyler drunkenly blurted out, “I want to marry you, Cass. Will you do me the honor?”
The shocked silence that had instantly fallen over the pool had been so eerily quiet.
The sudden feeling like I was falling, like everything around me was so surreal, comes sweeping back through me...
And I once again remember the deep and searing pain that had been reflected in the eyes of the only man that had ever been able to touch me.
The real me.
He had only held my eyes for a few short moments in time, but it had been enough.
Enough for me to see how much it had hurt him.
Enough for Sharon to fit the missing pieces of the puzzle together in her brain.
When Borden had abruptly disconnected his eyes from me, turning to quickly swim to the ladder to climb the steps, I had watched helplessly, feeling with every fiber of my body that I needed to go to him. I had tried to pull away from Tyler’s tight and suddenly restrictive feeling arms, but Sharon had looked at me warningly before quickly following Borden.
I had felt as if my world had been tilting, spinning so wildly out of control as I watched Sharon’s retreating figure follow the path Borden had taken while I was left there, feeling so empty.
Because I knew that Borden had finally - and forever – walked away from me.
Closing my eyes once again, a tear sneaks out and trails down my face. The breeze from the ocean caressing my face that usually soothes me, was doing nothing to help me now.
I had eventually convinced a drunken Tyler to get out of the pool and go to bed but there had been no peace for me.
No...for me, I had lain awake all night.
When morning had finally arrived, Tyler had continued to sleep deeply next to me in his drunken slumber, but a slow and torturing trepidation had filled me.
Because I knew I’d have to face both Borden and Sharon soon. I’d been at a loss of how to handle the situation as I lay there in the bed next to Tyler because I had known for certain in my stomach that Sharon now knew that there had been something between Borden and me.
Knowing that it would probably be best to tackle one difficult situation at a time, I had dressed quietly, leaving Tyler asleep and to be dealt with later. Slowly making my way down the hall, I had paused just before I entered the kitchen and braced myself to pretend that nothing had changed.
Even though everything in my world had.
But as soon as I entered, I had been instantly relieved to see that the kitchen and living room were empty. Thankful for another few moments to prepare myself to face them, I had let out my breath in a whoosh until I had spotted a note with my name on it in Borden’s sprawled writing, propped up against the coffee maker on the kitchen counter. After I had fumbled to get it open with my shaking hands, I had read:
I can’t be here. Sharon knows.
Sorry,
B
I’m unsure of the emotions that immediately followed as I stared at his hand writing...
Only that, He’s gone, had echoed over and over in my head.
In my heart.
Despite knowing that he still had a contract to fulfill and that I’ll see him again, I can feel in my heart that after last night he has now shut himself off emotionally from me.
I should feel relief...
But it felt more like I’ve lost something.
Unable to breathe properly, I knew I had to escape the sudden confines of the house, to breathe in clean fresh air. It’s how I came to be here, feeling so lost and alone, staring out over the ocean, feeling as if the rest of my world is about to fall apart, that it is spinning uncontrollably out of my control.
When Tyler eventually joins me on the beach, I’m still shaken to my core.
“Where is everyone?” he asks, as he folds his legs to sit next to me, one of his hands coming out to rub up and down my spine in his usual comforting gesture. But it does everything but comfort me as I feel my body automatically stiffen in response and I find myself saying a silent prayer that he doesn’t notice.
He easily accepts my simple, mumbled, explanation that Borden had to leave because of an emergency and I realize that Tyler is still in his own world, focused on his impromptu engagement and how happy he is.
Never noticing that I’m not reciprocating his joy.
Because I now feel like I’m suffocating.
I stare at the waves and silently will them to just come sweeping in, taking me out with them and ending this silent torture.
Needing to escape Tyler - his obliviousness and happiness - I stand and turn, now wanting to get back to the house, to go anywhere where he isn’t because I just need to be by myself...
Just wanting to not have to pretend for another few minutes but Tyler pushes to a standing position and stops me with a hand on my arm before he unbelievably bends on one knee and produces a ring.
I can only stare at it in horror, my world spinning with so many emotions.
And I know immediately that I have to put a stop to this.
That I can’t marry him.
“Tyler,” I whisper, staring down at his happy face from where he’s still kneeling on one knee in front of me.
A tear leaks from my eye as I shake my head.
His face immediately loses its smile as he comes to stand in front of me, his questioning eyes searching my face.
“I’m not ready for this. I’m sorry,” I whisper. I swallow thickly before adding on, “I tried to stop you last night.”
Confusion sets onto his face as he says, “But we talked about this a few times, about taking this next step. I want to be with you, Cass. Have you as my wife.”
I can’t bear it and I break the eye connection.
I suddenly realize it was always him pushing for the next step and I was just blithely going along...
But always searching and hoping.
And now it’s time he knew.
Sighing heavily, I reach for his hand, hating myself for having to hurt him.
Then focusing my gaze on our entwined fingers, I begin, “Tyler, it’s not that I don’t love you. You’ve brought so much into my life, but this just doesn’t feel right.” Forcing myself to meet his gaze, I confess, “I have something to tell you that I probably should have told you several weeks ago. I wanted to let it go, to not allow it to affect your future or mine.” I pause and swallow thickly, a response to the worry I now see in his eyes. Then continuing, I say, “I wanted to leave it in the past but it’s eating me up inside keeping this from you.” Holding his gaze, I gather my courage and confess, “Borden and I had a one-night stand.”
Shock crosses his face, quickly replaced by anger as he abruptly pulls his hand from mine. His gaze slashes through me, as if trying to tear me apart as he stares at me scathingly. Finally, he shakes his head and moves away from me to stare out over the ocean.
The waves crashing is the only sound as I give him time to come to terms with what I just told him. I watch as his hand comes up to rub the back of his neck in anger.
A few moments later, he turns back to me, and holding my gaze, he asks angrily, “When?”
“Almost five years ago,” I reply softly.
The relief is immediate as it floods his face and I’m thrown off balance, expecting a different reaction. Then he’s crossing back to stand directly in front me, and I force myself to hold his gaze.
Placing his hands on each of my cheeks, he stares into my eyes as he asks, “So that’s why there was all that weirdness between you two?”
Dropping my eyes, I stare at Tyler’s white t-shirt covered chest and reply, “Yes. It’s been hard to keep this from you. I should have told you that day Borden came to the office, but I was so shocked seeing him that day and then time just passed.” Inhaling deeply, I finish with, “And I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the account.”
After a few moments of silence between us, I hear him say softly, “Look at me, Cass.”
Moving my eyes up to his, I see acceptance but also a little desperation in his eyes as he continues, “It’s okay. It was a long time ago. And like you said, it was one night. I know you were no virgin before me and heaven knows I was no virgin before you. But now we’re together. The past is the past and has nothing to do with our future. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I love you, Cass. I still want to marry you.”
His easy acceptance has put me into a spin. I hadn’t expected this reaction, not at all.
But I also know that I’m not ready to marry him, that he still doesn’t realize that part.
Shaking my head, I hold his eyes as I admit in a whisper, “Tyler, I’m still not ready for marriage.”
Tyler holds my eyes and then he leans down to lightly brush his lips across mine for a kiss before he says softly, “It’s okay. I know it was a surprise last night. Hell, it was a surprise to me as well as I’d planned to take you somewhere special to ask you, but I jumped the gun last night and the extra drinks I had didn’t help.” Then he sighs deeply, regretfully, as he admits, “It wasn’t the right time, but you were looking so especially beautiful last night, like you had this glow about you and I couldn’t contain myself.”
My stomach jolts at his last sentence. I knew exactly what he meant by that glow...
And I knew the reason why.
It’s because every time I’m around Borden, my body has this uncontrollable chemical reaction to him and it makes me feel the most alive I’ve ever been.
My heart twists as I stare back into Tyler’s pleading face.
Finally, I shake my head, needing him to desperately understand that marriage for me – to him – is not in my future.
Tyler places each of his hands on either side of my face, stilling my negative response to him, as he coaxes, “Just wear my ring, see how it feels and give yourself time to think about it.”
I open my mouth to tell him no, but his lips crash down onto mine and then he’s pulling me into his body in desperation. His kiss is deep and desperate, but most of all pleading. A tear escapes from my eye, sliding down to mingle with our kiss.
He releases my lips, and lifting his head, he whispers softly in a convincing tone, “It’s understandable that you’re all messed up by this. You’re not the kind of girl that chases a rock star around, so I know whatever happened between you and Borden that night, it must have meant something to you. I would ask about it, but it was five years ago, and it was only one night. I know seeing him again must have been a shock. I understand that, but I also know it has nothing to do with us.”
Then he releases me and grasps my left hand to slide the engagement ring onto my finger.
I stare at it, the weight of it feeling foreign.
“Just like I know I’m the man of your present and future. He’s just a past that is revisiting for just a little while. Why throw away all that we have because he happened to appear? Just wear my ring, feel it there every day, and every time you look at it, know that I love you and that I’m willing to give you time to sort through this,” Tyler murmurs appreciatively.
Continuing to stare at it, I feel as if my world is whirling.
With so many doubts...
Perhaps Tyler was right. After all, maybe I was thinking too much about the past. That night was so long ago. I’d be crazy to throw it all away because of a memory that I’ve possibly over amplified in my brain.
Maybe all I needed was time like Tyler suggested. He’s a great man and I’d be stupid to throw him away just because I’m confused.
Especially for someone like Borden.
A rock star...
Throwing away a sure thing like Tyler, someone who loves me, for a man whose life is anything but normal and stable, would be crazy.
Plus, I didn’t really understand where Borden stood on all this.
But then his words come back to me, that he would end everything with Sharon if I indicated that things were not right between Ty and me. I silently wonder if he still feels the same this morning.
The shock and anger in his eyes last night...
Sighing heavily, my head and heart hurting, never feeling more confused, I nod just because it’s the easiest thing to do right now.
But if I was honest with myself, I’m scared of letting Tyler go because he was a sure thing.
Borden was not.
Tyler pulls me in close, wrapping his arms around me tightly, as he whispers, “We’ll get through this, Cass. Just finish this contract and I’ll assign someone else to his account. You won’t have to see him again.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as my heart twists in my chest, unable to deal with thoughts of never seeing Borden again at this very moment.
Despite being so very conflicted, I wrap my arms around Tyler and hold on tight...
Even though I know I’m clinging to him only because he’s my safety net.
Closing my eyes, I exhale deeply and relax further into him, allowing his arms and the sound of the waves of the ocean to gently soothe my ragged and torn heart.
The rest of the day slides slowly away and Tyler slips back to his old self as if nothing had changed between us.
But I can’t help but feel it all has changed and as I watch him now moving around the kitchen - a soft and contented smile across his handsome face as he sings along to the music he has playing - as the internal struggle within me only becomes stronger.
I so desperately want to want what Tyler is offering. The peace and security. The possibility of a family.
But my very essence – the core of me - wants Borden.
Tears sting my eyes as I now struggle to breathe. I swallow thickly and then lift my wine glass to my lips. The slow burn of the alcohol does nothing to settle my thoughts.
Tyler strikes up a conversation during dinner about another client that we have to meet when we return to LA and I gratefully latch onto it, thankful to have something else on my mind other than Borden. When we go to bed, for the first time I find myself reluctant to slip in the bed next to Tyler. There is no way that I can pretend tonight so I’m grateful when he does nothing but wrap his arm around me, pulling me in close to his side. His soft kiss to the top of my head before he drifts off tears at my heart because I never, ever wanted to hurt Tyler, but this feels like an out of control roller coaster that is hurtling me towards an unknown.
And I can somehow sense that the unknown will either hurt him...
Or me.
The next morning Tyler awakes, and I feel myself freeze as he reaches for me from where I had moved myself away from him during the night, and across the bed because I still can’t pretend. Thankfully, he only squeezes me tightly to him before murmuring, “Good morning.”
I murmur back, “Good morning,” in reply. I’m tired - so extremely tired - from the two nights of lack of sleep.
From this constant yo-yo of emotions.
When Tyler releases me to climb from the bed, I can’t help the relieved breath that escapes me that he didn’t try to initiate sex this morning. I knew there was no way that I could go through with it.
Returning to LA later that day, the drive back is companionable and comfortable, and I say a silent prayer of thanks that Tyler is giving me this small bit of space that I so desperately need. That night after we climb into bed, he once again only reaches for me, to pull me into his side as he drifts off to sleep. My body, my mind – my soul – so very tired from the roller coaster ride of emotions, finally allows me the sleep that I so desperately need for at least a few hours.
But when I do sleep, my dreams are filled of him...
Of Borden.
I awake, clutching the bedsheets tight in my fists as wave after wave of desire for him – to feel what it was like to be with him again – washes over me. It’s when I know that the memory of him, I will always carry. He will always haunt me.
I gasp from the pain in my chest, the heavy weight that is suffocating me.
Tears sting my eyes as I recall how his lips curled when he smiled at me that night five years ago. The same one that he inflicts upon me from time to time when we have to work together.
I gasp again and curl onto my side, away from Tyler so that when he wakes, he doesn’t wake to see me with tears in my eyes...
For someone else.
As the work week begins, it feels like it’s slowly crawling by with me jumpy and nervous, stupidly expecting - while desperately wanting - Borden to show up any minute but I don’t see him again until the following week.
And when he arrives, I hear his voice through my open door, speaking with reception and as he says my name, my heart squeezes even more tightly in my chest.
Why? - I silently plead with fate, - Why did you bring him back into my life knowing how I will always feel about him?
Sighing heavily, I think of buzzing out to tell reception to relay a message to him that I’m busy, but I know I have to deal with being in the same room as him soon. There are details for his upcoming media blitz that need to be sorted and shouldn’t be put off any longer. Resigning myself, I take out his folder with his upcoming itinerary and then I reluctantly push to a standing position, my stomach jumping in anticipation of seeing him again even as my soul knows it’s going to take another piece of me. As soon as I propel myself to walk forward and through the door, Borden’s eyes snap angrily to me.
“Hello, Borden,” my voice comes out in an unprofessional squeak. Swallowing thickly, trying not to focus on his sensually stunning profile, that is showcased perfectly by his tight black jeans and black t-shirt as he leans against the receptionist desk on one arm, I gesture to a door down the hall as I say in a forced professional tone, “Follow me.”
I don’t bother to wait to see if he’s following me.
Because my body lets me feel his very male and potent existence through my pores.
I shakily pull out a chair for myself and I’m thankful when he takes a chair directly opposite of me.
He avoids my eyes, choosing instead to purposely focus his gaze on my left hand, as he coldly states, “I need my media and travel itinerary.”
Nodding, I open my folder with shaking hands and select the sheet that has all the tentative dates listed.
I watch as the hand with the cross tattoo reaches out to take the paper from me, carefully making sure not to touch me.
My heart aches...
So heavily.
“Borden...” I whisper.
His body stiffens, and I hear his quick inhale before he asks in a polite and professional tone, “Where’s Tyler?”
Swallowing thickly, I reply, “He’s offsite at another meeting. We weren’t expecting you otherwise he would have been here.”
His reply is abrupt, his barb sharp and penetrating through me as he states firmly, “We should get someone in here to take notes or something or else this is not going to go well.”
I stare at him, note the anger radiating throughout his body. The anger he displayed towards me the day he walked back into my life was nothing compared to today. Today’s anger was palpable, and if anyone else had been in the room, it would have been easily picked up on. I also know that if I try to talk to him, he will explode.
Feeling shunned, I numbly nod my head and give in to his request before pressing the button on the conference room phone to ask Lillian to join us. The air between us is heavy, pulsating with his anger as we wait for the few moments for Lillian to arrive.
“Borden...” I attempt in a low, hesitant voice.
His eyes come to mine and the barely controlled anger that I see behind them causes me to fall silent.
“Don’t,” is his quick and searing warning before he abruptly disconnects his eyes from mine again.
A few seconds later Lillian walks into the room, saving me from attempting to talk to him again. I know she has picked up on the tenseness within the room as her eyes come to me questioningly. I force a smile, once again pretending that since Borden came back into my life that he hasn’t completely shattered me. Lillian’s presence does help in keeping the entire meeting professional and to the point, as she jots down notes to make the appropriate air travel and accommodation bookings as we go through his schedule.
But in some ways, I silently curse her presence, wanting to desperately – stupidly - be alone with Borden.
Before Lillian has finished the last of her notes, Borden abruptly stands like he can’t tolerate to be in the same room as me any longer, and still avoiding my eyes, states coldly and dismissively, “I’ve got to get going. You can email me any other questions.” And without waiting for a response, he’s gone.
Leaving me with an empty and yearning ache.
“He’s certainly hot to look at but geez, what an attitude. A typical rock star snob,” Lillian summarizes as soon as he’s out of the room.
But I know Borden and I know she couldn’t be further from the truth.
“He’s not normally like that. He just has a lot on his mind,” I find myself stupidly defending him.
Lillian only grunts in response as she continues to finish typing up our meeting notes, while I stare at the door that Borden had just walked through...
Once again feeling like my whole world is crumbling around me.
I don’t see him again until the following week when we begin his promotional tour, but when I do, it does nothing to temper the feelings I have for him.
It only intensifies every single feeling I have for him.
As he walks into each room for his scheduled interviews in every major North American city, he makes a point of shaking everyone’s hand in the room from the lighting guy to the actual interviewer. During the interview, his piercing gaze, his honest answers makes him anything but the typical rock star, endearing him to everyone he meets which makes my work extremely easy. Some of the B and C list celebrities that I have worked with haven’t achieved the success of Borden and yet they enter an interview thinking they are granting a favor to the interviewer by simply gracing them with their presence. But not Borden. He remains polite, friendly and thanks everyone at the end of each interview for their time and their admiration and respect for him grows.
Along with mine.
Even though he carefully maintains his distance with me...
Always ensuring that he leaves the room first before we are caught being alone.
And despite his one-word, curt responses to my inquiries that makes my heart hurt as if a deep hole has been dug through it, my feelings for him only intensify.
On top of that, having to watch him every day interacting with Sharon, who now comes along to every interview and media interaction since finding out about us at the beach house visit, is slowly eating away at me. Their light couple banter, her constant touching him is deliberate and possessive, silently warning me to stay away and that he’s all hers.
And I can’t do anything but watch...
Watch as she applies his light make-up for the TV interview or photo shoot.
Unable to look away as she runs her hands through his hair to make it look perfectly disheveled, silently twisting me up inside...
Always leaving me with a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Borden’s response to her, how every time when she’s finished with his look, he always stands to brush his lips across her cheek in appreciation, makes the ache even more torturous...
Because every single time, I wish it was me.
But yet, every single time I continue to watch, torturing myself until I have to force myself to wrench my eyes away from them because the hurt becomes unbearable.
Sometimes I even have to escape, to physically leave where they are to allow myself to shed a few tears quietly in an empty dressing room or bathroom stall, because I’ve become too weak and would lose it in front of them...
Which I could never allow to happen.
But once again this morning, I stand and watch as Sharon finishes off his look, unable to look away even as Sharon’s eyes come to me in triumph as Borden stands to place his usual kiss on her cheek. My eyes burn but this time I refuse to run away to allow myself to shed a tear.
Because I need to be stronger than this.
I break our gaze and turn to force myself to refocus on something else.
“Cass,” I hear Sharon’s voice behind me and I stiffen.
Sharon hasn’t spoken to me since that weekend, opting to keep a polite but professional distance so I’m startled when I hear her call out my name.
Bracing myself, I turn to face her with a fake smile.
She sighs deeply, looking a little uncomfortable but determined as she says, “I know all about you guys, how he tried to find you for many months after your hook up. But that’s all it was ever meant to be. A one-night hook up. You’ve both moved on.” She pauses for a moment, and then I see the challenge in her eyes to keep me away from him, as she continues, “He’s with me now and you’re marrying Tyler. There’s nothing between you two any longer.”
She holds my eyes for a moment, making sure that I get the message to stay away before stepping around me.
I don’t respond to her challenge. Because I know what she’s said is right.
But it doesn’t help.
And yet I still continue to watch them over the next few weeks, my heart heavy...aching.
Secretly wanting him, more and more with each passing day.
And with each passing day, my relationship with Tyler becomes increasingly strained. Since the beach house, I’ve managed to avoid any sexual interaction with Tyler even though we still share the same bed whenever I’m back in LA. Every day the strain between us grows because of it, but yet I no longer have it in me to pretend with him any longer sexually. I convince myself that I just need this contract to wrap up and that things will go back to the way it was between us but because of my avoidance of his advances, Tyler is growing increasingly impatient. Since last week, every day he presses me for an answer to his marriage proposal, always switching his mood to one of reassurance when I tell him I need more time, as he tries to convince me that my feelings are normal towards Borden and that it was all just a fantasy. That my feelings will go away when this contract is complete.
He also keeps reminding me that Borden is now a successful, international rock star and keeps hinting at the kind of life Sharon would have with him, always worried about what women would be throwing themselves at him.
But I now know deep down, despite what Tyler and Sharon have said to me, that Borden has always been more than a fantasy to me. Since that night I first met him, he had somehow put a spell on me, making me yearn for him.
Always...
And only for him...
As the month of his very successful North American promotional tour draws to an end, I find myself once again alone at the end of a very busy day. Being alone is both a blessing and a curse lately. It’s a blessing because I don’t have to contend with Tyler and it’s a curse because it gives me time to think, to silently yearn for Borden.
Sighing heavily, I slide my key card through the slot of my hotel room door. Stepping inside, I allow the door to swing shut with a soft click and I feel as if it echoes through me as I glance around my empty room.
Despite the travelling, the break neck schedule, I have to admit that I’ve never felt so lonely. My heart aches in my chest as I stand wondering just how I’ll get through tonight. I was tired of being in a hotel room by myself, yet again.
But at the same time, I’m glad that Tyler isn’t here, prying me for an answer.
Sighing again heavily, I slip off my high heels, drop my briefcase and purse on the desk and head over to the mini bar. Selecting a small bottle of Pinot Gris, I open it and slowly pour the liquid into my glass. Taking it with me, I walk to the windows which overlook the New York skyline. As the city buzzes below me, the sidewalks filled with people, I feel so insignificant.
Forcing my somber thoughts away from my self-pity, I think of all that we’ve achieved on this promotional tour so far. I have to admit that I’m secretly proud of all that we’ve accomplished. There has been very little focus on why Borden’s band broke up as we purposely refocus everyone’s attention to the excitement of his solo career. The truth was, this contract was the easiest that I’ve ever had to date despite it being the biggest. Borden is not only a social media darling, he’s also very much sought after by the mainstream media as his easy-going reputation precedes him. They all seem to want to support him, be around him and be part of his new career choice, and it makes my job so much easier.
Now smiling, I lean my head against the window as I think of today’s appearance on Ella. The admiration between Borden and Ella had been tangible and my heart had felt so light as I watched them banter back and forth.
My iPhone rings in my purse, distracting me from my musings. Walking over to the desk, I pick up my purse and retrieve my iPhone. The number is unfamiliar to me.
Not wanting to miss a call just in case it has to do with work, I accept it.
“Cassandra speaking.”
“Hello Cassandra. This is Patricia from Back to Basics Record Label,” I hear a female voice say.
“Hi Patricia. What can I do for you?” I ask as I recognize the name as a competitor of Borden’s record label. I pull out the desk chair to take a seat, before reaching for a notepad on the desk in case I need to jot down notes.
“We’ve been watching what you’ve been doing with Borden Torres’s promotional tour and we have to admit, we are quite impressed,” she says with admiration in her tone.
Feeling bashful, I reply, “Oh, thank you. It’s been a lot of work but we’re getting the word out.”
She chuckles as she says, “You’re not just getting the word out about his solo career, you have been very successful in keeping the negativity that usually comes with this sort of thing to a minimal. We’re very impressed.” She pauses and then continues, “We’re so impressed that we’d like for you to come join us here at Back to Basics.”
Shocked, I sit back in my chair.
Patricia must sense that I’m somewhat taken off guard as she says, “I know it must be a surprise getting a phone call like this, and I have to admit that I don’t normally do this sort of thing, but I see in you a person that can bring a lot to the team here at the label so I’m throwing caution to the wind by being so forward in contacting you like this.”
Still shocked, I force my brain to think.
“I’m not sure what to say,” I begin and then add, “Other than that I’d like some time to think about it.”
Patricia laughs softly, as she replies easily, “Of course. I knew this wouldn’t be an instant thing and we are willing to wait for you.”
Despite myself, I feel pride slip through me.
“I’m heading back to LA tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll have a few questions by then. Can I call you in two days?”
Patricia’s voice is warm as she replies, “That would be perfect.”
After confirming her number is the same that was on my call display, I hang up and sit back in the chair.
I’m totally mystified how my life could totally change by just that one phone call.
If I take this job it would make it easier to leave Tyler, - whispers for the first time, totally unwanted, through my mind. Despite not wanting to go down that path of thinking, my mind seems intent on focusing on it as I think of what it would mean to accept the position. I wouldn’t have to face Tyler every day.
Wouldn’t have the possibility of running into Borden every time he went to Your 15 Minutes’.
But that last thought shocks me out of my path of thinking because I never wanted to think about never seeing Borden again.
Once more glancing around the hotel room, I suddenly don’t want to be here any longer.
Changing quickly into jeans and a casual black shirt, I head down to the hotel lobby bar.
As my first martini is placed in front of me at the end of the U-shaped bar, I take a sip and close my eyes for a brief moment.
It’s all becoming so much and now this job offer comes along to add to the other things that keep whirling through my head.
Things with Tyler and I are not the greatest and having the option to leave Your 15 Minutes’ is an avenue that had suddenly opened up to me and is becoming more and more appealing to me. While I have no idea of the job requirements at Back to Basics, I can’t help but admit that I feel a relief of having that option open up to me.
Then, I feel my mood slip again as I think of Borden and finishing out the contract and his account being handed over to someone else. While the contract between him and Your 15 Minutes’ didn’t necessarily prevent me from taking another job, I felt I owed it to both Borden and Tyler to finish it out. It didn’t feel right to drop the ball on both of them.
I also don’t feel okay about never working alongside him again.
I suddenly feel so mentally drained.
My heart aching so heavily.
And I once again feel so empty...
So tired of what my life has become.
I’m so miserable, - I sigh deeply to myself and open my eyes to take another drink.
With nothing in my stomach, I feel the immediate effects of the alcohol and wanting to forget, if even for tonight about Borden, Sharon, Tyler, the unexpected job offer - and what feels like my mess of a life - I take another sip, but this time it’s bigger.
I enjoy the feel of the liquid as it burns through me and I silently wish it would burn away all thoughts of Borden.
My gaze moves to the engagement ring on my finger. Wearing it hadn’t made the idea of marrying Tyler any more appealing. If anything, it seemed to mock me more and more with every passing moment.
I feel a total disconnect from Tyler, - my mind startingly whispers.
“Can I buy you a drink?” I hear a male voice ask to my right, and I jump slightly, unprepared for the interruption or the sudden realization I’d just had.
“Thanks, but I have a full one,” I reply politely to the tall, dark, and way too handsome man who doesn’t seem to care about the ring that I’d been staring at.
That seems to now be glittering mockingly on my finger.
His intense gaze holds mine as he murmurs, “The next one then?”
Laughing lightly, his attention along with the alcohol making my brain feel at least a little more relaxed - and a little more bold - I hold up my ring finger and say, “You’re not put off by this?”
He smiles, as he replies softly, “You don’t have the matching one yet, so there’s still a chance.”
A little shocked at his response, I reply, “You have high hopes.”
“Doesn’t hurt,” he murmurs, his eyes practically eating me alive.
“Sorry, but I can buy my own drink,” I reply easily. The last thing I need is another man added to my complicated life.
He smiles, finally accepting my dismissal, before moving away from the bar.
And my eyes immediately connect with the person that had taken a seat directly across from me on the other end of the U-shaped bar.
His angry eyes are seemingly boring holes into me with his intense stare.
My heart beat jumps, erratic at this sudden interest from Borden.
He holds my eyes for a moment longer and my heart trips...
But then he’s turning his attention back to Sharon who is sat next to him, her eyes filled with anger as well. Sometime during the small exchange that I had with Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome they had both arrived unnoticed by me.
God, I still want him, - I silently acknowledge to myself as I stare helplessly back at the only man who has ever touched my heart.
My soul.
My heart feels as if it is bleeding as I continue to mercilessly watch him with her.
I forcefully avert my gaze back to my glass and take another large sip finishing my first martini in what is a record time for me. The second one appears automatically before me and I glance up to see Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome staring at me from across the dance floor. He gives me a nod as I throw him a grateful smile.
What the hell could it hurt to allow him to buy me a drink anyway, - I silently think before I lift the glass and take a deep swallow, downing the drink quickly.
The band begins its set, and I turn in my chair to force my focus on them after ordering my third martini, feeling the effects of the alcohol flow smoothly through my veins.
It feels so god damn good as it helps give my body a chance to relax, if not my brain.
Since the day he walked into the conference room, back into my life, he's all I think about – I silently, and somewhat drunkenly, admit to myself as I stare at the stage, my mind, as always going back to him.
Would this feeling ever go away?
I lose count of my drinks after that, wanting only to numb the pain.
Getting caught up in the music, I slowly sway in my chair, losing track of time but always...always....aware that the man that I want is only a few feet away with his girlfriend.
The band takes a break and recorded music takes over the air waves. I recognize the song as one of the latest dance hits. I begin humming along and then bopping my body to the familiar song, loving the feeling that I finally feel a little free.
“How about a dance?” Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome murmurs into my ear.
I suddenly feel like dancing is just what I need to release some of this pent-up frustration.
Smiling in response, I nod eagerly as I grasp his extended hand as he assists me to climb unsteadily from the stool, stumbling into him slightly. His arm slides around my waist to steady me and I chuckle at my own self.
It feels so good to feel this free, to not feel so tortured and I allow him to lead me to the dance floor.
As I start to move my body to the upbeat music, I close my eyes and completely let go. I jump up and down, my moves erratic, matching my wildly out of control emotions from earlier. I hear my dance partner chuckle and I open my eyes.
I feel my mood switch as I think of Borden sitting just a few feet away at the bar, Sharon by his side, and I suddenly need human contact. I place my arms around my dance partner’s neck, feel his hands come to my waist to pull me in a little closer to him. I allow it - for now - concentrating on the music, as my brain swirls and taunts me once again.
I’m so tired of being constantly torn in two by my obligations to Tyler...my feelings for Borden.
“Ah Borden...” I sigh out softly, resting my forehead against my dance partner’s shoulder.
“My name’s Daryl but you can call me Borden if it helps,” he chuckles out.
I raise my head to look up at my dance partner, his face blurring a little as the song comes to an end and I hear a slow song start.
“Sorry, but this dance is mine,” I hear an angry voice state from behind me.
Daryl pauses, but my whole body responds to Borden’s close proximity...
Once again, and as always, betraying me.
Releasing Daryl’s neck, I turn to look at Borden and my heart beats deep and wild.
Only for him...
Only ever for him.
I don’t hesitate or pretend as Borden reaches for my hand, pulling me into him.
After all, he’s all that I want.
And right now, I was too tired to fight it.
I wanted this...
Wanted only him.
As my body connects with his, one of his arms now sliding around my waist to hold me tight to him with my hand still tightly clasped in his other hand, I forget about everything...
The outside world falling completely away from me, like it’s only him and me that exists.
That ever truly mattered.
I’m so into him, - I silently concede.
His scent surrounds me, one that has always lingered since that night so long ago, and I want more. Standing on my tippy toes, as I move my hand to tangle my fingers tightly through his, I place a soft kiss on his neck, licking at his pulse.
“Cass...” he whispers, his arm immediately tightening around my waist, his fingers now tightening on mine, and I know he’s feeling everything that I’m feeling.
“I’m so into you,” I whisper my earlier thought, murmuring it into his ear.
“Fuck Cass...” he whispers, squeezing me tighter.
“You’re the only one who has ever touched me where it matters most,” I concede.
Moving my lips from his ear, I lean back to look into his eyes, even as the world spins steadily around me, I continue with my drunken confession, “It’s always only ever been you.”
Chapter 2