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With my head feeling a little better after my shower, I decide to try to eat a light lunch.
My face flushes with warmth as I walk into the kitchen, my head swirling with memories of what I said - how I acted, with Borden last night.
Dancing with him, pulling his head down to mine on the dance floor to finally allow the words that have been deep within my heart for so very long, to spill from my lips...
Even now my nipples tighten as I remember how his hands tightened, pulling me in closer, my body filling with a heat so intense that I’d immediately lost sense of myself and let go. When he had taken my hand to lead me from the dance floor, out of the bar and to the elevator, my heart had felt as if it was about to vault from my chest as I thought of what was to come.
To finally touch him, taste his skin again...
It had taken everything in me to lay my head on his shoulder in the elevator, to just breathe in deep and tell myself to pace myself. To slow down. There had been no stopping me when that hotel room door had swung shut behind us. My body had been too vibrantly aware of Borden, my blood pulsating too thickly through me, and I’d immediately launched myself onto him. For a moment, I thought this was it, this was going to be the night that I’d wanted – craved – for so long. I had thought it was happening, and despite the lust that had overtaken me, I’d finally felt an inner peace overtake me as well.
Because I was finally feeling what it was like to be whole again.
Completely and vibrantly alive.
When Borden had pushed himself away, stated firmly but softly that the ring Tyler had given me – the ring I’d forgotten about momentarily, the ring that felt like a burden since the day Tyler put it on my finger – had to go before he touched me, it brought me solidly crashing back down to earth.
I remember laying there after he had stood, his eyes raking hungrily over me, making the pulse between my legs throb harder at not being fulfilled by the one man I wanted in this world, and it makes me flush again now. When he had turned and left me, completely unfulfilled but with his words echoing in my head, I have to admit that I’d felt somewhat grateful in the very small sober space in my head, despite the unfulfilled need still pulsating between my legs.
Because I knew that I would have regretted what I had done in the morning.
Unable to bear the feel of my clothes against my too sensitive skin, I had stripped every piece of clothing from my body, needing to feel the freedom of the air against me. At some point, Borden had come back to find me completely naked but instead of taking advantage, he had simply slept beside me when he could have very easily taken advantage.
My heart throbs deep in my chest and I feel him slip further underneath the deep beat.
But my mind reminds me that a life with Borden would not be easy. The plain truth is that Borden is a rock star. Someone who would always leave me to travel the world when what I wanted was a white picket fence, a family – security.
All things that Tyler can easily give me.
The fact that Borden had immediately ended things with Sharon, the fact that he had practically broadcasted to the world that we were together as he refused to let go of my hand as we walked through the airport allowing his fans to snap pictures of us, did nothing to help me out. If anything, it would only make things harder once Tyler found out. I still had this contract to fulfill and now I would also have to deal with two men who would both be openly outspoken about their feelings about this new situation. To add to all of this whirling around in my head, I now have a new career path to consider.
Sighing heavily, I admit that I wasn’t quite sure yet about how I was going to be able to tell Tyler about everything that had occurred over the past twenty-four hours, but I did know that I had to tell him.
Soon.
Borden would not be swayed to remain quiet for long. The one thing that I’ve learned, and love about him, is his need to be honest with people and respectful. He wouldn’t wait long for me to speak to Tyler.
Heaving out another heavy sigh, I pull the fridge door open and reach in to pull out the makings for a BLT, filling my arms with all the ingredients. As the door of the fridge swings shut, I turn and lose my breath for a moment, almost dropping everything to the floor.
Tyler is standing there, his face hostile, his angry gaze raking over me.
"He told me nothing happened, but I want to hear it from your lips. Did you fuck him again?" he asks. His tone is soft, but it doesn’t cover the anger that is seething through him, reaching out to me.
My breath completely whooshes from my lungs.
Taking a wobbly step towards the kitchen island, I place the items on the counter before bracing myself for this conversation.
"No," I reply, surprised at the even tone of my voice.
"Then why did he show up at my office stating that he wants you back?" he pushes out between clenched teeth.
Swallowing thickly, I force myself to hold his eyes.
"Tyler..." I try, and then have to stop. I drop my eyes to the countertop, forcing myself to forge ahead, to hurt the one guy who I know deeply loves me.
That can offer me security and love...
But doesn’t -has never - consumed me.
Tears form on the edge of my right eye and I brush them away as I lift my chin.
I’m going to lose him, the security of him, - my brain warns, but my heart can't let me keep my secret any longer. It’s not fair to him. To any of us.
"I didn't sleep with Borden last night,” I begin and watch as I see relief flood his eyes. Quickly, I add on, “But I did get a little drunk."
The relief now flows through the rest of his body and then Tyler is moving forward towards me, forgiveness written all over his face and I force myself to continue, "I told him I still thought about him."
Tyler stops abruptly in his tracks.
Inhaling deeply, remembering the taste of Borden on my lips, I continue in an uneven tone, "Since he walked into that conference room, back into my life, I can't stop thinking about him." Dropping my eyes from Tyler's face, needing a break from the pain, anger and torture that is now spreading so clearly across his face, I continue, "I’ve been feeling so much guilt, feeling so confused ever since then, about us." Lifting my eyes back to his tortured face, I finish with, "It's why I couldn't say yes."
Sighing deeply, I feel relief, like I just unloaded a heavy, heavy weight even though I’m hurting the man that loves me, wants to marry me, who will give me what every girl wants.
A devoted and loyal husband who’s successful.
But finally having my feelings out in the open feels uplifting...freeing.
Tyler's face, which had only a moment ago, shown anger and torture, changes to one of sympathy.
Stepping over to me, grasping both of my hands in his to turn me to face him, he says softly, "I think your reaction to him is normal."
This time it’s my turn to be shocked once again by Tyler’s quick acceptance and how he seems to easily explain away what I’m feeling.
Making me doubt myself.
Letting go of one of my hands to cup my face, he continues, "Having a casual affair and having the person pop up unexpectedly years later would play with anyone’s mind, but you also had the added pressure of having to work side by side with him. It would throw anyone for a loop, make you feel things from the past. But I can promise you that after this weekend, that will all change. Borden has decided to end his contract after the video shoot. He's told me he’s moving on and he won't be around. And deep down you’ve always known that he’s not the type of guy to stick around, Cass.”
I feel like someone has sucker punched me in the stomach and I gasp.
"What?" I ask, my head spinning, trying to grasp Tyler's words.
“He could never give you what I can give you. He’s a rock star, travelling all over the world and his management just told me that he’s just been signed up for a two-year tour, back to back. Whatever woman gets entangled with him will always be waiting and worrying, wondering what he’s doing every time he leaves," Tyler delivers the last blow, sending me into a world where I’m left spinning.
He's leaving? Please! No! - I silently scream inside.
Tyler nods, his thumb ineffectively rubbing soothingly over my cheek, as he says softly, "It's true. He’s not the kind of man you want, Cass. He’ll go on tour, leaving you behind, leaving you wondering what he’s doing or who he’s with. I know you. You want what I can give you. We can put all this behind us next week once the contract is done and we can move on.” He leans down and lightly grazes my shocked lips and it feels all so very, very wrong as he whispers against them, “I still want so very much to marry you.”
Stepping back from Tyler, trying to keep my balance as I bump into the counter, I shake my head.
"No, Tyler. This isn’t right,” I whisper in shock.
Tyler's gaze turns piercing as he asks, "What's not right?"
Feeling like the air has become too thick to inhale, I gasp and struggle for air, unable to form my thoughts into words as I gesture to the space between us as I reply, "This."
Tyler remains silent for a moment before he replies, "I think you’re wrong, I think you’re confused. He’s done this deliberately, just to confuse you and try to destroy us."
Stepping towards me, backing me into the counter, he continues gently, "You just need time." Reaching for my hand with the ring on my finger, he says, "Next week will be different. You'll see. After all, what kind of life can he give you? He’s a rock star, Cass. Here today and gone tomorrow, never knowing who’s in his bed for the next two years.”
I remain silent. I feel panicked – sheer desperation taking over my body - but I keep quiet because as I look into Tyler's face, doubts start to fill me as well.
Everything Tyler has said is true.
And I can’t help but wonder why Borden never mentioned his two-year touring contract to me.
"Keep wearing my ring, Cass. I won’t pressure you anymore. I'll just wait patiently for your answer but please keep wearing it until this contract is done as a reminder of how much I want you, how much I love you,” he holds my eyes, silently willing me to give into his request.”
I don’t respond because I can’t. I’m too jumbled up inside to be able to think clearly.
“How about we make a deal to just get through this video shoot? You keep wearing the ring until then and after that we will see how you feel once you no longer have to work with him again or ever see him again," he murmurs, pulling me in for a tight embrace, his arms twisting around me, his words from before still twisting me up inside.
He’s leaving...
And he never told me...
It keeps repeating over and over in my head.
Tears sting my eyes as my heart now feels so very hollow.
I feel my body start to tremble.
I have so much to think about...
With Borden terminating any further dealings with Your 15 Minutes, I was free to consider leaving as soon as possible as well.
But I feel no relief. I feel nothing but panic.
Desperation.
"Shhhh...it's okay," Tyler whispers into my hair, squeezing me tighter.
I remain there, as my mind swirls, sometimes feeling as if I’m about to physically collapse any minute.
Tyler takes my acceptance of his embrace as an acceptance of his proposal.
And I don't have the strength, the energy, to protest any further, not with my wildly swinging emotions so out of control. Plus, Tyler with his familiarity is now the only thing that’s keeping me grounded as I feel the numbness slip through my body as my mind won’t quit screaming silently, - Borden is leaving...again.
I survived it once before but this time I’m not sure if I can.
This is how it would be if you ever became involved with Borden, - my mind silently screams in warning. Never knowing when he’s here one day and gone the next.
As Tyler steps away from me, I feel so weak without his strong arms supporting me, but I don’t reach out to him. Instead, I force myself to stand, to face the truth of what getting involved with Borden would mean.
Tyler immediately changes the subject, his mood now in direct contrast from just a few moments before, and I feel as if my world has suddenly become surreal.
“I’ll make lunch,” I hear Tyler offer and I can only manage a nod, now feeling so very numb. I only want to run to Borden to ask him if it’s true that he’s leaving. Unable to keep up with Tyler’s mood switch, I sink further into myself.
Why did he say he wanted me if he was leaving again? – I ask myself.
Was a repeat of that one night the only thing he wanted from me?
But if it was, he would have taken advantage of me last night, right?
Was giving up all that Tyler had to offer worth taking a chance on Borden?
These questions keep swirling through my head, repeating over and over and I barely eat any lunch. Tyler chooses to ignore my lack of appetite. Instead, he suggests that we both remain off from work the rest of the day and go for a swim. Needing the time to think - to cope, I once again manage a nod in agreement.
As my body slices through the water, my arms and legs work hard to take out my frustration, my uneasiness, by propelling me through a tough workout. When I stop to catch a breath, I feel as if my heart is about to explode as I cling to the side of the pool, suddenly feeling so overwhelmingly weak. The gaping hole that I feel in my chest causes a sob to tear from me and I’m thankful that Tyler is nowhere to be seen as the tears slide unchecked down my cheeks, mingling with the pool water. Wrapping my arms around my middle, I allow myself to sob quietly.
This hurts so, so much.
A few moments later, Tyler swings open the patio door, appearing with two iced teas. I quickly bob below the surface and push back into swimming until I feel composed enough to face him.
Climbing the steps out of the pool, I quickly take the towel from Tyler’s outstretched hand because right now, I can’t bear to have him touch me. I can’t help but feel as if this all so completely wrong. Thankfully, he doesn't say anything, and instead turns to politely hand me my iced tea.
His politeness, his careful and polite treatment of me – his pretending everything is okay - is now slowly driving me mad.
Because I now want to scream at someone.
To hit something because I can no longer pretend.
My fingers tighten around my glass as I try to contain my emotions.
I need to talk to Borden, - I silently acknowledge. I can't wait any longer.
I quickly gulp down my iced tea, now needing to escape Tyler’s suffocating presence.
Laying my empty glass on the table, ignoring Tyler’s silent and speculative gaze, I murmur that I’m going to grab a shower. As I enter the house, I take my phone from the kitchen counter to the bedroom. I search my contacts, and finding Borden’s name, I select it and wait impatiently, my heart stuttering and tripping in my chest.
"Cass..." is his warm answer, causing my heart to switch to racing.
Feeling like it’s going to jump from my chest.
"Are you leaving?" I ask him abruptly.
"Leaving?" he asks, surprise clearly evident in his tone.
"Tyler told me you have terminated all further dealings with Your 15 Minutes after this video shoot. He also told me that you’re leaving for a two-year tour," I blurt out.
Silence, and then with vehemence in his tone, Borden replies, "That bastard. So, he wants to play dirty, does he?"
I remain silent, twisting my towel between my fingers as I wait for Borden to answer my question.
"No, Cass. I’m not leaving LA with all of this between us. I’m only ending things with Your 15 Minutes,” he assures me softly.
“What about the two-year tour?” I once again blurt out.
Borden sighs heavily as he says, “It’s true that I’m in discussions about a two-year tour," and my heart drops, feeling as if it has stopped beating but then he assures me softly. “But nothing has been signed. Whatever I do, wherever I go, you’ll always be the first to know from this moment forward, this I promise you.”
My eyes close as tears spring to my eyes, relief so great whirling through me, causing me to slide to the floor, as I nod, over and over again, to myself.
"Were you worried?" he asks softly.
I remain silent. Worried wouldn't even begin to describe the terror that had gone through me at the thought of him leaving.
I hear his soft chuckle as he says, "No need to answer. I already know because I feel the same panic when I think of you there with him."
My heart twists.
Silence envelopes us and then I hear him whisper pleadingly, "Don't let him touch you again, Cass."
A sob escapes me.
“Promise me that you won’t let him touch you again,” I hear him whisper again.
With tears running down my face, I whisper, “I promise.”
"Cass..." I hear him plead again as Tyler walks into our room.
"I have to go," I whisper.
“Is he there?” he asks on a frustrated sigh.
“Yes,” I whisper back.
“Don’t hang up,” he begs.
My hands tremble as I reply softly, “I have to.”
Despite how I feel, of how Tyler lied to me, I also know Tyler has been blindsided by all of this. I need to keep that in mind and give him a break.
But I also need to reassure Borden that I will honor his request.
“I will keep my promise but right now I have to go. I’m sorry,” I force myself to whisper.
I hear Borden’s frustrated sigh and then his reluctance as he says softly, “Okay, Cass. But know you can leave him at any time and come to me. You don’t have to stay there.”
“Okay,” I whisper softly to him even as I know I won’t take him up on his offer. Staying with Borden would only muddle up my mind more. I needed time and space, away from everyone and everything.
With my heart feeling heavy, I disconnect our call and push to a standing position. Pointedly keeping my eyes averted from Tyler because I’m still angry with him for lying to me, I walk past him to the washroom. I try to take my focus off my anger as I turn on the bathtub, forcing myself to only think of having a relaxing evening by myself. I’m afraid I may lash out at Tyler when right now I should be attempting to feel an understanding of how he feels about a messy situation that I’ve thrown him into.
But Tyler does the wrong thing by following me, reaching out to me, as he tries to pry my towel from my fingers as I straighten away from the tub.
I shake my head, warning him to back away as I hear Borden's voice in my head, his tone pleading with me to not allow Tyler to touch me.
It all becomes too much, and I let my anger go.
"You implied he was leaving," I say accusingly, my voice sounding hysterical even to my ears.
Tyler’s anger is finally immediate and swift in return.
"What kind of life do you think you will have with him, Cass? A fucking rock star? Get real and get your head out of the clouds," he spits out angrily.
"I just need time, Tyler," I state angrily. “I need time and space to be able to sort through all of this because I’m so messed up right now, but you keep pushing and pushing. Even before Borden, you pushed. You pushed me into moving in with you and now you’re trying to push me into marriage with you.” Sighing heavily, feeling so drained, I say simply, “We need a break until I can figure myself out.”
Tyler holds my eyes and I see barely restrained anger and frustration in his in return before he turns, closing the door behind him with a bang, causing me to jump.
I immediately reach out and lock the door.
Leaning against it, I allow myself to sink to the floor.
I feel so overwhelmed, like my life is completely out of my control and a tear sneaks out of the corner of my eye. I never wanted any of this to happen but Borden’s appearance back into my life has been like a freight train.
Obliterating everything that my life had been for the past five years.
Sighing heavily, I look down at my shaky hands. I feel lost in trying to navigate what I should do next.
The job offer...
Borden.
Laying my head back against the door, I stare up at the ceiling, praying that an answer – some sort of direction – will come to me soon.
But the first thing I need to do is put some physical space between Tyler and me. The anger that he feels, and deservedly so, will only add to the confusion that I feel. I needed space to be able to think clearly.
Later that night after I’ve allowed myself a long soak in a hot bath, I finally feel mentally strong enough to face Tyler. I unlock the bedroom door and walk cautiously into the living room, unsure of where exactly Tyler is in the house, or even if he’s home. I find him drunk, looking disheveled, on the sofa. He barely raises his eyes to meet mine as I tell him that I’m sleeping in the spare room. His only response is a smirk and I make up my mind to check myself into a hotel tomorrow.
But in the morning, Tyler is back to his persuasive self.
“Morning,” he murmurs politely, as he hands me a coffee when I walk into the kitchen.
Used to this side of Tyler, I take the coffee as I search his eyes for the anger that was in them last night but there’s no trace of it there this morning. No, all I see there this morning is pain.
“Tyler,” I sigh heavily as I look down at my mug. “I’m going to check into a hotel today.”
His hand instantly shoots out, tightly and firmly grasping my free hand, causing my eyes to swing back up to his panicked face.
“No, Cass,” he says. “This is your home every bit as much as mine.”
Looking up into his handsome face, my heart squeezes tight in pain for him. He didn’t deserve any of this but I’m also helpless to stop this. My head tells me that Tyler is the right man.
But my heart tells me it’s Borden. Always has been.
“This is just getting too hard, Tyler,” I squeeze out from my suddenly dry throat. “We both need time and space. To think things through.”
Tyler immediately shakes his head, his hand squeezing mine tightly as he says in a rough tone, “I don’t agree. I can’t help but feel that if you move out, even temporarily, that it will be the end of us.” I see him swallow thickly, “Do you really want that, Cass? Do you really want to take that chance and throw all of what we have together away, when we both know it’s only a matter of time before he leaves you?”
Doubts about Borden again swirl through my mind.
“Just stay here, in your home,” he once again says persuasively. “Stay here at least until the contract is done and I’ll move my things into the spare bedroom.”
Holding his eyes, wishing that I wasn’t doing this to us...to him, I feel myself give in as I silently ask myself - What could be the harm?
So, slowly nodding in acceptance, my heart twinges, this time with guilt as hope fills his eyes just before he turns from me to make breakfast for us...
Tyler is now back to playing this pretending game that has become my life.
My mind slips to thinking about the job offer as I watch Tyler move about the kitchen. My life feels so very surreal at this moment, as if I’m not really existing, not really living in this moment. It feels as if I’ve lost all control over my life, as I’m seemingly pushed towards forces that are being thrust into my life.
I know that if I take the position, it would change a lot in my life and change a lot for Tyler because it would free me to be more independent from him. One of the things that weighs heavily on me is that if I left him, I would have to look for a new job. It would be too awkward to remain at Your 15 Minutes’, trying - when I know I would fail – at an attempt to work next to him. I already know that if I stayed at Your 15 Minutes’, then everything would just go on like it had before.
And I would also continue to live, feeling like something is missing, if I stayed.
Trying to bring myself back to the here and now, to live in this simple moment with Tyler, I swallow thickly.
He deserves none of this, - my guilt reminds me as I watch him plate a breakfast that I already know that I won’t be able to eat. When he turns to face me with a reassuring smile across his face, I decide to push away telling him about the job offer for now until I have more information about the position.
Plus, I don’t have the strength in me right now to go down that road with Tyler.
Later that morning when I’m in the privacy of my office at Your 15 Minutes, I call Patricia and plan to meet with her for lunch that day. The meeting with her goes well, and further indecision and confusion settles heavily onto my shoulders as I shake hands with her before beginning the walk back to the office.
My phone rings in my purse when I’m halfway to the office and glancing at the screen, I can’t control the quick kick to my heart when I see Borden’s name displayed.
With a soft smile across my face, I accept the call and say, “Hello Borden.”
I hear a big, contented sigh come from him as he murmurs seductively, “My name on your lips just sounds so sweet.”
I immediately flush and feel my nipples tighten in response to his words.
Why, oh why, are you the only one who has ever been able to do this to me? – my heart silently asks him.
“I was in the studio all morning, wishing for the time to pass just so I could call and hear your voice,” he continues in his seductive murmur.
Goosebumps rise on my flesh as I silently confess to him, - You make it so hard to be faithful.
Swallowing thickly, I try to force my voice to be normal as I ask, “You’ve been working hard?”
He chuckles, a response I’m sure, to my avoidance of my reaction to his murmured confession.
Thankfully he lets it go as he says, “Started early this morning. I wanted to call you this morning before I went into the studio, but I figured a 4am call wouldn’t be appreciated.”
Now I chuckle as I reply untruthfully, “No, definitely wouldn’t have been appreciated.”
“Liar,” he whispers, causing a warmth to spread through me. “You know, just like I know, that you couldn’t wait to hear my voice.”
My smile spreads wider in response but I know if I confess to the truth, Borden would be here in a flash.
And I needed time and space to sort through this mess of emotions that is my life.
“How about dinner tonight?” he asks hopefully.
Wishing that I could, I reply, “I have a client meeting.”
Silence hangs between us and I find myself responding to his unasked question.
“No, Tyler isn’t going to be there.”
I hear a quick exhale of relief come from him and my stomach flutters, remembering how his breath felt as it whispered over the skin of my back from that night so long ago.
“I’m guessing you’re pretty busy until we leave for the video shoot?” he asks a few moments later.
Grasping onto that, knowing I need something to help me keep the space I need from Borden, I reply, “Yeah. I have a lot to do before I’m gone from the office for a week.”
I hear him sigh heavily before he says, “I’m still going to call you multiple times before we leave.”
And he does exactly that as he calls several times throughout each day since returning from New York, his voice pretending to be cheerful. I know staying away is testing his restraint, but yet he never pushes me to discuss anything that’s going on between Tyler and me or pushes to see me. Instead, he keeps the telephone conversations light, often making me laugh.
But it only adds to my conflicted emotions because he seems to be the only one who seems to get me and what I need.
He somehow knows that I can’t take much more pressure.
And I lose a little more of my heart to him.
On Wednesday at noon, after spending the entire morning confirming all of the finer details of Borden’s upcoming video shoot, I suddenly feel his presence. I look up to see him leaning sexily against my open door, with one hand – the one with the cross tattoo - tucked into the pocket of his jeans.
My heart stutters to a stop before solidly crashing back to life again.
A warm smile slides across his face and I know it’s only for me.
“I love watching you work,” he murmurs softly.
Swallowing thickly, feeling my nipples pucker and harden from just having him standing across the room from me, I try to put together a coherent thought without success.
“Can you slip away for lunch?” he asks.
Desperately wishing I could even though I had promised myself to keep space between us, I reply softly, “I can’t. With me leaving for your shoot on Friday, I have deadlines to meet before I leave here today.”
He nods, understanding, before he straightens and moves further into my office.
I feel my insides quake.
“How about dinner tonight?” he asks in a murmur as he holds my eyes, moving closer to me to prop that beautiful ass of his against my desk.
It’s one of my regrets from that night that I never touched that ass of his, dug my nails into his firm, round flesh...
I lick my lips, my eyes hot on his.
“She’s busy tonight,” an angry male voice coldly interrupts.
Tyler’s voice shocks me back to reality, but Borden continues to hold my gaze, completely unfazed, as he replies easily, “She has her own mouth, Tyler.”
Swallowing thickly, trying to bring myself back under control, I break eye connection with him to glance at Tyler, who is standing just inside my door, his fists clenched tight in anger.
Inside, I can’t help but cringe and feel a little guilt because Tyler had just witnessed the sexually charged air that always seems to be there between Borden and me.
Clearing my throat, and bringing my eyes back to Borden, I force out, “I have a business dinner tonight with a new client we just picked up.”
Despite my earlier thoughts that Borden was unfazed by Tyler, I now realize how much Tyler’s statement that I was busy had bothered Borden until I now see him quite visibly relax when he hears my plans are with a client and not Tyler.
“She’s also busy right now as we have a meeting,” Tyler’s angry voice once again interjects.
Borden only grins at me this time before winking as he says, “Yeah, she told me she’s busy.”
Then pushing away from my desk, he bends to brush a kiss against my cheek before he whispers, “I’ll see you in a few days at the shoot.”
My breath catches, my eyes connecting with his hotly.
I know I don’t know you, but I want you so bad, - slips through my mind as a silent reminder from that night.
Then Borden is passing an angry Tyler easily and then is gone...
As I continue to sit there trying to stop my world from spinning from just his simple kiss.
Tyler’s angry gaze sears through me as he walks towards my desk to drop a file folder on top.
“Christ, he’s a cocky bastard showing up here like that,” Tyler spits out.
I don’t bother to respond because I can’t.
Because the light brush of his lips on my cheek, so innocent, so non-intrusive, stays with me. When his pictures come back from the photoshoot later that day, as I had requested printed copies to keep in my files, I find myself lingering over them, my index finger tracing the line of his lips and it’s like he’s standing right next to me as I once again relive that light and simple brush of his lips on my cheek.
Sighing heavily, I sit back in my chair and glance around my office.
I suddenly feel as if I’m not the same person, that this really isn’t my life.
Needing a dose of Alexa, my best friend, I pick up my phone. After selecting her number, I wait patiently for her to answer.
“Cass!” she says, and the excitement in her tone makes me smile. It had been a long hard road for Alexa to find happiness. I’d been there as a witness and it had torn me apart to watch my best friend struggle through but in the end, Alexa had ended up with the man of her dreams. Just last week she’d just given birth to a healthy baby boy that looked exactly like her husband, Eric.
“How’s the little guy?” I ask.
She chuckles as she responds, “He’s great! Keeping his dad on his toes.”
Laughing lightly in return, I think of the first time I ever met Eric. He’d been a player, a seducer but meeting Alexa had made him change. He was now the most devoted and smitten man in love that I knew.
“And the business? All still going okay?” I inquire.
Alexa laughs lightly as she replies in delight, “It’s all going just as well as it had been just a few days ago when we spoke.” Then she quiets, losing all trace of laughter as she zeros in on me to ask, “I suspected then that something was going on and now I want to know. What’s wrong? What’s your real reason for this call?”
Sighing, knowing this is the exact reason why I called, because I needed someone to cut through the bullshit and confide in about all of this, I murmur, “Remember that guy I once told you about? The one-night stand?”
“Yes.” Alexa pauses and then asks in a sober tone, “What about him?”
“He’s come back into my life,” I confide softly.
I hear her breath catch just before she asks, “When?”
“A few months ago,” I whisper through my suddenly dry throat.
Silence and then she asks, “Why didn’t you say anything before?”
Grasping the phone tight, I reply, “I wanted to keep him in the past.” I swallow thickly before I add on, “I tried so hard to keep him in the past.”
“And now?” she asks softly.
Swallowing thickly, I reply, “Now...” I pause to sigh heavily before I admit, “I don’t know.”
There’s heavy silence on the phone between us as she contemplates what I’ve told her.
“Does Tyler know?” she asks.
“Yes,” I reply with an ache in my throat as I think of Tyler and how much this is hurting him too.
“So, things are strained between you two?” she asks.
“Yes,” I reply. “Things are very strained between us. He asked me to marry him the evening before he found out about Borden.” I hear Alexa’s quick intake of breath, but I continue, “And now Tyler sleeps in the guest room.”
I hear her sigh heavily before she whispers, “Oh, Cass.”
Swallowing thickly, I allow silence to settle back in again for a few moments.
“I’ve tried to not think about him, to remember that night from so long ago,” I confess, and a tear sneaks out to run down my cheek.
“Oh Cass. I can’t imagine how you feel,” she murmurs soothingly.
“I feel so torn because he has asked me to give him a chance but he’s a rock star,” I whisper. “I would be stupid to throw away what Tyler and I have.”
Silence envelopes us and then she says, “Cass, all I can say is that I’ve heard you talk about that night, about him. He’s been in your heart since you met him and now, for some reason, you’ve been reunited. That would be hard for anyone to ignore.” Then she gets straight to the point as she asks gently, “What does your heart want?”
Tears brim my eyes.
Because I know the answer and so does Alexa.
“I know it’s scary, Cass. Christ, do I ever know, but sometimes all the crap and pain is all worth it in the end,” she says.
A tear slips down my cheek as I reply, “Thanks, Alexa. You’ve given me something to think about.
“What did you say his name was?” I hear Alexa inquire a few moments later.
“Borden,” I say softly, reverently.
I once again hear Alexa inhale quickly.
“What?” I ask.
She ignores my question, instead asking one of her own again. “And he’s a rock star?’
“Yes,” I reply cautiously.
I hear Alexa sigh as she says, “If his last name is Torres, he’s Eric’s best friend since they were kids.”
Shocked, I reply, “It is Torres.”
Once again there is a few seconds of silence but then what Alexa says next completely tilts my world.
“He’s never gotten over you, Cass. Eric has only ever once revealed something deep about Borden and it was all about you. Eric doesn’t know all of Borden’s past since he became an adult, but Eric does know that you, out of everything and everyone, have stayed with Borden since you met.”
Silence envelopes both of us as Alexa gives me time to contemplate her words.
Looking up at the ceiling in my office, I sigh deeply.
“Alexa,” I begin. “There’s more. I’ve been offered a position at Back to Basics, a record label company.”
I hear Alexa sigh out a soft whistle just before she says, “Wow, you do have a lot going on.”
Nodding, even though I stupidly know she can’t see me, I swallow back a choked sob.
“Yeah, I do,” I admit in a rough voice.
“Why don’t you come for a visit?” she suggests. “You’ve been dealing with a lot on your own when you should have just come here as soon as he walked back into your life.”
Swallowing thickly, I reply, “You were busy, Alexa, and I didn’t want to bother you. Plus, I thought I could handle it on my own.” Sighing deeply, I continue, “And I’d love nothing more than to come visit right now but Borden’s my client and I have to travel with him on Friday for his video shoot to British Columbia.”
“You’re travelling with him?” she asks, shocked.
“Tyler will be there too,” I respond, and saying the words has my stomach bottoming out at the thoughts of having to be in such close proximity to both Borden and Tyler at the same time.
Alexa whistles softly in sympathy as she replies, “I’d hate to be in your shoes.”
“Yeah, I’m not looking forward to this,” I reply.
“I bet. But know you can call me anytime,” she says gently.
“Thanks, Alexa. Say hi to Eric and Jenny for me and give that new baby of yours a big fat kiss on his too handsome forehead for me.”
After hanging up from Alexa, I stare at the walls of my office, completely lost in my thoughts. Then closing my eyes, I silently wish for this all to just be over.
Later that night, after returning from the client dinner meeting, Borden calls to wish me good night. The warm tone of his voice is soothing, somehow able to settle something deep inside me, and when I slip into bed, I realize that I have a smile on my face from just his simple and short phone call.
But then I begin to silently worry how we will all get through this upcoming trip on Friday to British Columbia. Firmly, I push it away and tell myself I’ll deal with it when it happens.
Thursday passes quickly with all of my last-minute work items to take care of and it isn’t until the end of the work day that I sit to look over the itinerary and the accommodations that Lillian had booked. My stomach bottoms out quickly as I realize that all the members of the band along with Borden, Tyler and I would all be staying in the same six room chalet. Lillian had booked it thinking it would make it easy for us workwise since the video shoot was to take place right outside the chalet. The fact that I was expected to share a room with Tyler while Borden slept just down the hall causes a panic to settle deep within me. The accommodations, flights, meals, along with the photographer and videographer had all been arranged and for me to try to make even one minor change in the itinerary, especially this close to travelling, would just throw everything off schedule. This all causes me to lie awake in my bed on Thursday evening as I think of having to deal with Borden and Tyler in the same house. It hangs heavily over me all night, leaving me too restless to sleep, but in the morning, I silently reassure myself that the problem would easily be solved by me sleeping on the couch and that Borden and Tyler would have no other choice but be professionally civilized. After all, we were all adults and it was only for one week. But in the morning as I shower quickly, my stomach is still jittery despite my inner reassurances.
I remain jittery as I dress and throw the last of my few toiletries into my luggage. Then knowing I now have to face what’s coming, I pull my suitcase into the kitchen. I sigh heavily as I see the stress on Tyler's face.
He steps over to me, taking my left hand, raising it to his lips while holding my eyes as he places a kiss over the ring on my finger.
"I’ll have to fly with the rest of the band and meet you there. There was a mix up in the dates for Iggy Reid’s book launch and I have to do damage control,” he says, his tone one of regret and a little anger.
But his words send a small feeling of relief through me because at least I would have this small reprieve from having to travel with the two of them.
“I’d change your flight, but you need to be there to meet with the photographer and videographer,” he says, anger and frustration now taking over his tone. I can feel the stress radiating from him.
The torment.
I try to hide the fact that I’m secretly glad that Borden, Tyler and I are no longer all travelling together because I couldn't image sitting next to Tyler while Borden stewed a few short rows away.
Dropping my eyes from Tyler's, I pull my hand from his as I reply in a forced light tone, "It’s only a couple of hours in the arrival time difference. You'll be there before you know it and I’ll see you this evening."
He nods, now silent. As I bend to pick up my suitcase, he brushes my hand away and grasps the handle to roll it out the front door and to the taxi where he hands it off to the driver. Turning to me, Tyler places both of his hands on each of my upper arms. He holds my stare for a few seconds, before he says softly, “I sometimes wish I’d never met him.”
Immediately, I break my gaze with him because I don’t agree.
It hurt too much to even think about it because I couldn’t imagine my life if I’d never even experienced that small part of Borden...
I could never – not ever - regret that one night.
Reluctantly, Tyler releases me as I turn and climb into the waiting cab, instantly forgetting about him.
Leaning my head back against the head rest, I feel so weary as I silently begin to wonder how I will deal with being alone with Borden at the chalet given that Sharon will no longer be travelling with us.
You'll be fine, - I silently console myself. It's only for a few hours.
As the cab pulls up in front of the airport, I see a swarm of people, most with cameras flashing. After paying my taxi fare, I exit the cab, watching the group thicken quickly, becoming louder, as the cab driver removes my luggage from the trunk.
"Here you go ma'am. Have a good trip," the driver says, drawing my attention away from the group for a moment.
I nod, smile at him, wondering if indeed, I will have a good trip.
Looking back at the group, I see it part as Borden steps through them, making his way to me.
God...he’s so unbelievably sexy, - my heart shifts in my chest, pounding erratically just from his smile.
It takes me a few seconds to break my gaze away from his sexy stride, to finally realize that some of the people following Borden are paparazzi. I immediately want to hide but I don't have a chance before Borden is next to me, his smile somehow wider since just moments before.
"I've missed you," he murmurs, not caring who is there. Flashes go off and I feel off kilter. I don't know if it is from the unexpected flashes or Borden's boldly stated words.
He takes pity on me, and glancing around for his baggage handler, he quickly places my suitcase on top of his on the cart before taking my hand familiarly and escorting me through the throng.
Having him touch me, - so easily, so comfortably - makes my heart sing.
"Borden," I hiss, trying to maintain some sort of distance between us for the paparazzi.
He chuckles and doesn't let go as we check in at the counter, flashes going off in every direction throughout the whole process.
I cringe inside and tug on his hand slightly as I hear someone sing out, "Hey Borden! Are you dating your PR rep?" as Borden turns from the counter, handing me my passport.
Borden looks at me and I’m scared he may reply.
He smiles widely at me, winking as he pulls me closer, placing my arm through his as he leads me away from the check in, to security, the crowd following us until a security guard steps behind us as we go through a closed door.
"You shouldn't have done that," I whisper furiously.
Looking at me, taking in my anger, Borden asks, "Why not? Tyler knows.”
Shaking my head, I respond testily, "That's something else you shouldn’t have done without my knowledge."
Stepping closer to me, he states firmly, "I had every right. I want you, you want me, but you’re engaged to him. The gloves are off and he had a right to hear it straight from me."
He holds my eyes, daring me to contradict him. But my mind is spinning, my body flushing, responding to his words that he wants me, leaving me incapable of speech.
"Besides," he continues, "that way I definitely knew it was out in the open, that I could be with you like this today. Despite liking Tyler, I’m not going to back away from you because of him. This is too real between us for me to ignore or pretend any longer for anyone else’s sake. I will only back off when, and if, you tell me you don't want me."
I remain speechless – motionless – until Borden breaks the spell by giving me a light tug on my hand and we are quickly whisked through the rest of the security process. I continue to remain quiet as I follow him onto the plane, distracted by how his ass looks in those tight black jeans.
You could easily have him, satisfy this need that only he seems to bring out in you, - whispers through my mind.
I swallow thickly, between my legs burning...yearning...
I shake my head and concentrate on breathing.
Rock star remember? He can easily leave you, - I silently remind myself.
As per Borden's request, we are seated on the plane next to each other and as the plane departs for Vancouver, Borden's hand is still firmly clutching mine.
"I know Tyler is unable to fly with us as planned and that I only have a few hours with you, but I’m going to make the most of every single minute," Borden whispers into my ear as he holds my hand tightly, ignoring my engagement ring that must be pressing into his fingers. My nipples swell at his whispered words, the burning between my legs deepening.
Borden orders a glass of wine for each of us and I finally find myself relaxing as the alcohol settles into me, swirling easily through my brain.
Leaning over in his seat until his shoulder is touching mine, he murmurs, "Tell me about your week. You seemed quite busy."
Flushing, I reply truthfully, "It was really hectic. After being gone for so long with the promotional tour along with getting ready for this trip, there were clients I had to catch up with plus the new client I had to sign."
He nods, understanding.
“I’ve also had another job offer,” I find myself easily releasing that bit of information to him.
His eyes swing to mine, searching.
“And are you going to take it?” he asks softly. But I can hear the hope in his voice.
Sighing heavily, I admit, “I’m not sure. It’s with Back to Basics Record Label, your record label’s competitor.”
He smiles as he says teasingly, “I won’t hold that against you, especially if it gets you out of Your 15 Minutes.”
Lightly punching his arm, I laugh lightly as I reply, “Since starting at Your 15 Minutes, I’ve come to realize that I enjoy helping people shape their PR image. I don’t want to give that part of it up and this job would be promoting and marketing new records rather than working with the artists themselves.”
Borden nods his understanding and I realize that talking to Borden is so very easy. He’s always attentive and actually listens.
“Do you know that we have friends in common?” I say as I think of my conversation with Alexa.
Borden’s eyes widen slightly with curiosity as he asks, “We do?”
Chuckling lightly, I reply, “Yeah. My best friend Alexa married your best friend, Eric.”
Borden’s eyes now light up with surprise as he asks, “How did you figure that out?”
“I called Alexa this week and we were chatting. She asked if your last name was Torres and she realized who you were.”
Borden’s eyes change as he lowers his voice to ask in a murmur, “So...you called your best friend to talk about me. That must be a good sign.”
I feel myself flush in response.
Borden’s eyes move over my face as he sighs out heavily, “Now I really regret missing their wedding. I could have been the one walking next to you down the aisle.”
My breath catches, my heart misses a beat...
His eyes come back to mine as he says regretfully, “I could have had you back in my life much sooner if I could have made their wedding.”
Butterflies catch in my stomach, madly fluttering in one spot, as I look at the intensity in his eyes, feel the intensity radiating from him as he softly finishes with, “But someday we’ll have that. And it will be our own.”
My world seems to stop, to come to a complete standstill and I forget to breathe.
Borden smiles softly, his hand coming up to push a strand of my hair away from my face.
“Excuse me,” I hear the flight attendant’s soft voice.
Even though her voice is soft, I’m still startled at the intrusion.
“Would you like another glass of wine?” she asks politely.
Borden holds my eyes meaningfully for a second before turning that beautiful smile of his on the flight attendant.
“I think we’re good right now. Thanks,” he replies courteously.
The flight attendant flushes from having Borden’s smile turned on her and I understand exactly how she feels...
Because he had just taken all breath from my body as well.
Borden turns his attention back to me and I continue to struggle to bring my emotions to a stop from the roller coaster ride Borden had just sent me on.
It takes a few seconds but finally I decide to steer the conversation back to how his week had been.
"How about you? You must have been busy as well this week?” I ask, my throat feeling tight with emotions.
He nods, as he replies easily, "Yes, but I would never be too busy for you." My heart picks up its beat again.
I decide to take advantage of the opportunity to bring up the worry that has been on my mind, “Any further discussions about the two-year tour?”
He smiles, his eyes soft and staring into mine, he replies with, “I’ve told them that I need further time to consider it because I now have someone in my life that’s more important to me than anything else.”
Once again, I feel like I’ve been tossed on a roller coaster.
Then, feeling his fingers tighten around mine, I hear him say softly as he glances at our entwined fingers, "If you were in my world, you would be the center of it. Always..."
I’m at a loss for words at his admission.
Silence hangs between us as my head spins, struggling with what he had just said, while worries also plague me that he has a contract waiting to be signed for a two-year tour but I’m the one holding it up.
"Why are you still wearing this?" He asks as he holds my ringed hand up between us, his gaze coming up to my face.
My heart pierces as if a dart has speared it from the look on his face. He lowers our hands, his gaze holding mine as he waits for my response.
Clearing my throat, I reply softly, "Tyler asked me to keep wearing it until after next week. He thinks things may change between us once the contract is fulfilled and we stop working together and you go on your two-year tour."
A smirk widens across Borden's face as he drops my gaze, his fingers tightening around mine once again as he replies, "Does he," as more of a statement than a question.
Then, looking into my face, he asks softly, "Do you really think it will make a difference? That anything will stand in the way of us being together?”
I swallow, holding his eyes, knowing the answer but afraid to admit it.
“Because I don't,” he continues. “After all these years, I still want you as much as I did that night. You mean so much more to me than a two-year tour that will only make me miserable if you’re not next to me."
His words have the ability to make me speechless.
The flight attendant interrupts us again at that moment, saving me from having to respond as she delivers lunch.
Does all this mean he’s thinking of giving up the two-year tour to be with me? – my mind continues to spin.
Despite not wanting Borden to leave, I wouldn’t want him to give up his career plans for me. That didn’t seem right.
It seemed too selfish somehow.
I feel so out of control of my life right now. It's as if my heart is in direct contradiction to my brain because my heart tells me that Borden will forever enchant me, making me feel more of a woman than any other man has. That he will always be the one for me...the one who I will always secretly crave.
But he will also be the one that has to leave, – I silently remind myself yet again.
My head knows Tyler is safe, settled, successful and in love with me. My head also knows he’s my safest bet. Borden, while having a bright future, doesn’t have a lifestyle that will ever be normal. It would be many nights of me being alone as he toured, being in the public spotlight wherever we went. And the women...
Looking at him, I know he could have any number of women. His flourishing rock star career alone would entice many women, but Borden also has the hot, bad boy rock star good looks to go with it. Would giving up Tyler, a solid partner in life, for Borden be a mistake?
"You look deep in thought," Borden murmurs.
Sighing, I confess, "I have a lot on my mind."
Borden holds my gaze as he says, "There's nothing to think about. You were meant to be with me."
Part of what he says I know is true. My heart is meant to always be his.
But the realistic part of me knows Tyler is my sure bet.
Borden raises his free hand to tuck a stray hair behind my ear, as he whispers, "You also know it’s true."
His words hang in the air between us, my eyes searching his, my heart beating erratically.
I want him so bad, - I silently acknowledge.
Closing my eyes, I break our connection before lowering my head. I inhale deeply and then reopen my eyes to stare at our entangled fingers, realizing that another piece of my heart just broke away, now belonging to Borden.
You were meant to be with me, - reverberates over and over in my brain.
Borden must sense how torn apart I’m feeling, as he backs off from the intensity of our conversation the rest of the flight. Instead, he turns the discussion to skiing and we both admit that neither one of us has skied before. The mood lightens between us and I relax, laughing when Borden makes a joke that he may end up breaking a leg.
As we touch down, I’ve pushed Tyler's arrival in three hours to the back of my mind, refusing to deal with it and to just allow myself to enjoy this moment with Borden.
I’m feeling completely comfortable and relaxed, - enchanted by Borden and all that he is.
Completely oblivious to what is going on outside my window of the airplane.
After clearing customs, we head out through the doors to see a guy in the airport arrival area dressed in heavy winter clothes, holding a sign with both of our names on it.
"Good afternoon, Cass and Borden," he says, smiling widely in welcome as he reaches out to take my large piece of luggage that’s filled with my newly purchased warm winter clothes. "My name is Jake and I’m here to escort you two to your chalet. The snow is coming down fast and is expected to increase with a blizzard warning in effect. I have my doubts that the rest of your party will arrive later as they are starting to cancel flights. You two are lucky you arrived when you did."
My heart stops...
I lose the comfortable and relaxed feeling that I’d been savoring very quickly.
Living in LA, I never thought to check the weather and therefore had no idea of the impending blizzard.
Tyler may not make it tonight, - my mind seems to be shrieking at me, over and over.
And then my heart beat picks up.
Thickens.
My body flushes.
Shell shocked, I remain mute and unmoving for a moment as Jake takes in the shock on my face, mistaking it for worry about the weather and tries to console me with, "But don't worry. You’re in good hands. I have a Hummer to get you nice and safely to the chalet."
My eyes shoot to Borden, who holds my eyes steadily...
Heatedly.
I feel as if all breath has left my body.
"Ummm..." Jake, unknowing how to break the sudden heavy silence, glances from me to Borden, before saying uncomfortably, "This way."
Borden, thankfully, doesn't take my hand, and it gives me a chance to try to think, to get my reaction to being alone with him under control.
As we exit the airport, the sudden wind and snow pushes against me, shocking me out of my thoughts and I silently wish that I’d had the forethought to take my winter jacket out of my luggage before leaving the warmth of the airport.
"Get in the Jeep, Cass. I'll help Jake with the luggage," Borden shouts over the wind as he opens the back door for me.
Too cold to decline the offer, I quickly climb in, feeling the heat from the running vehicle curl around me as soon as the door swings shut.
"How was I going to be able to handle being alone all night with Borden?" I whisper aloud to myself in the temporarily vacant vehicle.
A few moments later, the door across from me opens and Borden swings himself in with snow clinging to his hair.
I watch, feeling exactly like the snowflake that is quickly melting from the instant heat of the interior of the Hummer...
A quick melting mess just from the direct heat of his gaze.
My insides clench, so tight - desire for him, - to feel his mouth, that’s gently smiling reassuringly at me, on my naked breast.
I remember exactly how it felt.
Borden's gaze changes, becoming intense when he instantly picks up on my desire, as he whispers, "Cass..."
"I'll have you there in about an hour," Jake interrupts as he swings into the driver seat, breaking the intensity flowing between Borden and me.
Dropping my gaze from Borden's, with an increasingly urgent throbbing between my legs incessantly begging me to forget about Tyler, my eyes land on my ring...
It feels so god damn heavy.
Jerking my gaze away from it, I aim my gaze out the window of the jeep the entire way, not trusting myself to even allow a glance over at Borden. Eventually, I see the lights from our chalet come into view and I mentally force myself to place a barrier between Borden and me.
After parking in the well heated garage, Jake shows us into the chalet. I feel my hands start to tremble, matching the quaking I feel on the inside, as he shows us through the main rooms and into each of the six bedrooms.
"Since you are the first to arrive, you get your choice of rooms," Jake says amicably along the way down a long hallway, "But if it was me and my wife, I’d choose this one. It has the best view and is by far the most romantic. It shares the hot tub with the room next to it but since no one is here yet and probably won’t arrive today, you can have it all to yourself until the morning," he finishes as he swings the door to the last bedroom open. I feel my cheeks burn, realizing that Jake mistakenly thinks we are together. Borden though, seems to take it all in stride, as he gestures for me to go first. Stepping past him, my body is so very aware of him, as my eyes sweep around the massive room that overlooks a river that has snow clinging to its banks. It’s the only thing I can see through the rapidly falling snow, and then my gaze settles on the king size bed that is the other focal point of the room.
And I flush hotly.
Deeply...
"This is the last of the rooms, and like I said, it looks like you two will have the entire chalet to yourselves tonight, so you might want to take advantage of that hot tub while you can," Jake says as he turns, smiling warmly, to look at us.
"Ummm...we're not together," I manage to utter, flushing again.
Jake's gaze goes from my face, to my hand with the engagement ring, to Borden's before he says apologetically, "Sorry, I misunderstood the circumstances."
A silence hangs awkwardly in the air for a moment.
Clearing his throat, Jake says, "Well...I'll leave you to get settled, Cass. Borden, I’ll need to show you the generator in case the power goes.”
“Thank you, Jake,” I barely manage to murmur.
Once Jake leaves the bedroom, I remain silent, avoiding any direct gaze with Borden because I don't trust myself.
"You can have this room," I hear Borden murmur.
I nod, swallowing, feeling uncomfortable, but yet unable to keep from picturing myself and Borden in the big king bed.
Borden turns to leave but I feel him hesitate and my body screams out to him, silently begging him to stay, to let me feel him again, how his hair feels on my skin, his hands grasping my hips as he plunges himself over and over into me.
Satisfying himself within my body...
Taking me with him.
His eyes come back to mine, staring at me intently for a few seconds...
I lick my lips and I hear his breath sizzle out between his.
I’m instantly hotter than I’ve ever been since that night so long ago.
I feel as if I’m spinning round, and round, in circles...
My body inescapably yearning for him.
The air between us feels as if it’s alive, as if it’s palpitating with each beat of my heart...
With each beat of his heart.
“I’ll be right back,” Borden whispers, his hand coming out to catch mine, rubbing his thumbs soothingly over the back of my hand.
I swallow thickly, so very, very much wanting him.
The power flickers, prompting Jake to sing out to Borden.
Borden gently lifts my hand to place a reassuring kiss on the back of it.
And it sears straight through my soul.
Slowly he releases my hand before turning to reluctantly follow Jake.
But as he walks out of the room, I suddenly feel like I’m losing control again.
Along with being instantly terrified...
I sit for a moment on the side of the bed, glancing around, vaguely taking in the wall of windows that leads to the deck with the hot tub along with the fireplace which has been lit for our arrival, all while trying to convince myself that I can handle one night here completely alone with Borden.
An involuntary shiver of desire shoots straight through me.
"Just take one moment at a time," I whisper convincingly to myself.
Standing, I walk on shaking legs back to the hall for my luggage where Jake had left it. Borden’s is still there, placed right next to mine, as if waiting for me to make a decision.
If you reached out and pulled it inside the room with you, you know he would easily follow, - my mind silently taunts.
Hastily, not giving myself time to think further, I reach out and pull only mine inside. Then I quickly close the door behind me before I change my mind and lean against it as my heart beats thickly.
This was stupid. He wasn’t even in the same room with me and I couldn’t seem to be able to stop thinking about him.
Couldn’t stop thinking about how it would be to be with him again.
“Get your act together Cass,” – I whisper to the empty room.
How was I going to cope?
How was I going to be able to get through this night without touching him?
How was I going to be able to deny myself something that I’ve been yearning to reexperience again for five long years?
I couldn’t even look at his luggage without having a sexual response to him.
Shaking my head, I sigh deeply as I glance around the large beautifully decorated room.
You’re not some stupid teenage girl alone with your first boy, - I firmly tell myself. Then, inhaling deeply for strength, I push away from the door as I decide to take advantage of the hot tub. I know I’m putting off the inevitable, of being alone in a room with Borden.
Secluded in a luxury cabin while the weather has made its intensions known by cutting us off from the rest of the world...
“I just need a few more minutes to compose myself,” - I whisper aloud to the empty room.
Standing, I unpack my suitcase before changing into my white bikini.
As I slip my body beneath the surface of the water in the hot tub, I close my eyes...
And inevitably think of Borden.
His image filling my brain...
Christ he’s fucking hot, - I concede silently.
Watching him interacting with his fans earlier today despite the push of the paparazzi, his sincerity in his love for them was clear as he took the time to not only take pictures and sign autographs, but also to ask them their names and how they were doing, then listening intently to their reply...it all just added to his appeal to me.
My mind slides, back to the time when I first met him. When I had seen him standing in that line, I had been drawn, undeniably...unexplainably...attracted to him from that first moment. Taking him home with me that night had been the best decision of my life because it had turned out to be the best night of my life.
Even to this day.
Guiltily, my mind slides to Tyler as the devil on my shoulder whispers, - It's never been that way with Tyler. You’ve never had to fight to stay away from him. He’s always been too safe for that.
Sighing deeply, I open my eyes, staring out into the now blackened skies that are sending cool snowflakes to land on me, the stars my only company.
The only sound is the rushing river.
I lift my hand to stare at the ring. It feels so heavy – out of place. Even though I had told Tyler that I needed time and needed a break, I still feel like I owe him something.
And it’s because I had agreed to wear this when I shouldn't have.
A tear, and I know it is from guilt, slides down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away before letting my hand flop back into the water.
I hear a door slide open to the room next door and my heart stutters to a stop. Turning my head slightly, I see Borden walk around the partition between our decks, with a glass of wine in hand.
His intense gaze collides with mine as he says softly, "I knocked on your door but there was no answer. I thought you may be out here and would want a glass of wine.”
If I thought he was hot before, watching him saunter across the snowy deck dressed in his black jeans and black shirt as he brings me a glass of wine, melts every last bit of resistance in me.
Swallowing, I can't speak.
He’s so sexily beautiful, - my mind whispers. So erotic.
I know that if he asked me, I would allow him to join me. I feel completely defenseless, unable to deny the sensual chemical pull I feel every time I’m around him any longer as I watch the snow settle onto his hair, his black shirt sleeves rolled up, exposing his tattooed arms.
I want to seduce him, - I silently allow myself to concede.
As he hands me the glass, I reach out to take it, contemplating how simple it would be to just allow myself to reach out with my free hand...
To allow my forefinger to simply trace the line of his tattoo.
My heart races, beating so thickly in my head, a warm flush enveloping me as I think of allowing myself to have that simple touch. My eyes lock with his and I bite my lip as desire so thick spirals through me as I wrap my hands around the wine glass...
But the sound of my engagement ring lightly taps off my glass and it’s like an electric shock, reminding me - mocking me – as it rings out into the night air.
Borden abruptly steps back from the hot tub, shocked back into the moment as well, as he holds my eyes to chide softly, "That has to go first.”
I don’t need to ask him what he’s referring to. The sound is still reverberating in the still night air between us.
Still holding my eyes, he murmurs softly, “Dinner will be ready in half an hour.”
Nodding, still unable to speak, I swallow thickly. He holds my eyes for another few seconds before disappearing behind the partition.
"Oh, God," I moan softly into the night air.
My hands are shaking - my entire body is shaking – as I slip further beneath the bubbling water.
Taking a sip of the cool white liquid of my wine, I focus on trying to settle my reaction to Borden.
To cool this thick, probing heat within my body.
It takes every bit of the thirty minutes and I’m still not in control of my response to him as I walk into the kitchen where Borden is busy stirring a pot.
I abruptly stop, watching how his black button up shirt pulls tight across his shoulders with his movements. My gaze moves, of its own accord, to his tight black jeans that are slung low around his hips.
A pulse begins deep within me...
I can’t look away.
I want him, - I silently admit. He’s all that I want...
Would one more night satisfy this inescapable urge for him?
Tearing my eyes away from him, I clear my throat, as I manage squeak out, "Would you like for me to set the table?"
He turns from the stove, his gaze raking over my casual attire of black Lululemon pants, a tight white t-shirt with my hair still piled on top of my head from the hot tub.
But his hot gaze makes me feel as if I have nothing on.
"That would be great," he replies softly.
Nodding, I hastily search for the cutlery and begin setting the table, deliberately placing myself at one end of the long rectangle and Borden at the other end. I don't say anything as he silently refills my wine glass when I return to the kitchen because I desperately need the alcohol to help me get through this night.
Unknowing what to do, I pick up my wine glass and take a sip, trying to settle all of these emotions.
Borden’s gaze catches mine and he murmurs softly, "Go. Sit."
I don't argue because my legs feel as if they will give out at any moment.
I force my eyes to the fire burning brightly in the fireplace in the dining room instead of watching Borden working in the open concept kitchen, concentrating on breathing only, the flickering flames resembling the flickering flames of desire spiraling through my body.
A few minutes later, I feel him next to me, and my body, as it always is instantly attuned to him, becomes filled with exhilaration. I purposely keep my eyes trained on my plate as he places it in front of me before crossing to his place. I only look up when he’s safely at the opposite end of the long table, pulling out his chair and I watch with flushed cheeks as a smirk crosses his face. He takes his seat silently, choosing to not make a comment on how I chose to set the table. But the smirk clearly shows what he’s thinking.
As we eat, it is in a heavy and thick silence, so I try to lighten it by complimenting him on the meal of salmon that has been cooked perfectly.
His response that he enjoys cooking is my silent warning that this is why it would be fool hardy of me to toss everything away with Tyler to be with Borden.
Because I really don’t know anything about him.
But every single thing that you do know, you love, - my heart internally mocks me.
Looking down at my plate, my heart squeezes painfully.
Yes, I’m completely in love with him, - I silently admit.
Somehow, despite many years, the distance between us and the people between us, I’ve still fallen in love with him. I slowly lay down my fork next to my half-eaten dinner, suddenly having to get away from him...
Or I’m going to crumble.
"I’m not as hungry as I thought I was," I murmur hastily into the awkward and heavy silence before I abruptly stand. I feel his eyes on me as I head to the kitchen with my plate and cutlery, silently watching me as I rapidly scrape my half-eaten meal into the garbage before rinsing the plate under warm water.
I feel him behind me first...
And then I see both of his hands settle on the countertop on either side of me, effectively blocking me in.
But not touching me.
My breath instantly hitches...
My nipples puckering in immediate response to his nearness.
I feel his breath on my neck and my body surges with heat, now silently contradicting myself in needing to get away from him, as I will him to move his hands...
To touch me.
The plate clatters into the sink, the only sound the running water and my heart beat.
I watch as his right-hand moves, and I inhale deeply, excitement running through me that he’s finally going to touch me again. The despair and disappointment that runs through me when he turns off the water and places his hand back on the counter next to me almost brings me to my knees.
"Cass..." I hear him whisper, his breath on my neck a torture.
Slowly, unable to stop myself, I move my hips back until I’m in contact with him.
I feel how rigid he is...
My insides clench, wanting him so very badly.
This time, his left-hand moves, coming up to rest on my upper arm before beginning its slow descent down my arm, to my hand. Picking it up, he whispers, "Not until this is gone. I won't accept anything less. When I have you again, I want all of you. I want no regrets and also know that I will never share you."
Feeling him surrounding me, so close but not close enough, I know my answer. There's no more fighting it.
I slide my left hand from beneath his before lifting my right hand to firmly grasp the ring between my forefinger and thumb. Then with a firm but gentle tug, I slide the ring from my finger. I hear Borden's heavy breaths, feel them whispering enticingly over my neck, absorbing them into my skin as I do.
I suddenly realize that there’s not a moment of sadness within me as I lay the ring on the counter.
Only anticipation.
And exhilaration...
Borden's hands immediately come to my hips, grasping tightly. His lips descend to my neck, gently biting me as he whispers, “Finally. Forever mine.”
Then he’s quickly twisting me to face him before he’s easily picking me up with one arm to wrap my legs around his waist. For a moment, he just stares at me.
I feel my heart beat thickly, matching the erratic beats of his heart.
"You’re mine. Only mine. You always have been," he whispers intently.
With those words, I feel my body changing, once again feeling like it’s alive...
Which only he has ever been able to do.
Chapter 4