Affton

Berkeley ~ Close to Thanksgiving break

“I WAS WONDERING if you wanted to get some pizza or a cup of coffee sometime before break starts?”

I was looking down at my phone, barely listening to the guy walking next to me. I wasn’t even sure what his name was, but he’d been persistent in his efforts to get me to go out with him over the course of the semester. We were in the same intro to psychology class, and he’d been moving steadily across the giant auditorium the last few months until he worked up the courage to sit next to me. At first, he asked me if I wanted to study together, and when I turned him down, he switched to subtly asking me if I wanted to hang out during a bunch of group events. I always said no.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t cute; he was. He was tall, lean, and looked very academic. He wore glasses that were trendy with their thick, black frames, and sweaters over button-up shirts. He also wore tightly fitted jeans and ankle boots. He was pretty much a walking advertisement for hot college guy who took himself and his education seriously. There were plenty of other girls who gave him the eye day in and day out, but he didn’t seem to notice. He had his sights set firmly on me, even though I barely spared him a glance. I could hear Jordan telling me it was time to move on. I could hear her telling me to live a little, to embrace everything college had to offer, including very cute boys who were the opposite of Cable in every way imaginable. There were no scruffy, surfer boys in my psychology program. There were no boys who were lost and desperately trying to find their way. These guys had all worked just as hard as I had for their place in that classroom, and they weren’t about to blow it by living recklessly. It should have appealed to me, they should have appealed to me . . . but they didn’t.

I looked up from my phone and blinked at the guy trying to piece together what he’d just asked me. Since he was staring at me expectantly, I figured he had asked me out again. I had to say no, hated that I couldn’t even imagine saying yes to someone who wasn’t Cable, but there was no other choice. I wasn’t about to lead anyone on. Even though I was single, technically unattached, and free to do whatever and whomever I wanted . . . I couldn’t. As always, my stupid heart was still tangled around and caught up in all things Cable James McCaffrey.

I hadn’t heard from him since I walked out of the hospital.

I had no clue if he turned down the painkillers and pulled himself back on the right path.

I didn’t know if he had gone back to his old ways or if he thought about me every minute of every day, the way I thought about him. I wondered if he missed me so much that it was all-consuming. In the dark, I wondered if he imagined me when he woke up alone and lonely . . . the way I imagined him.

I didn’t know anything, but my heart didn’t care. It refused to let me let go completely. It refused to let me consider this cute boy’s invitation or any of the others that came my way. It wouldn’t let me move on.

“I . . . uhhh . . . well, I can’t really get away before break. I have a project due, and my dad is coming to town so we can spend Thanksgiving together. I don’t really have any free time.” I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and noticed we had almost made it all the way to the building where my apartment was located. Thank God Melanie McCaffrey came through with the money she promised me. Otherwise, I would have been stuck in one of the open dorm rooms, sharing my space with a stranger, and living with no walls. The idea of using a communal bathroom made me gag. As it was, I still had to share the apartment, but at least there was a living room and several closed doors separating us. It was totally worth the extra money.

And my dad really was coming to visit. When I left Port Aransas, I went back home and immediately spilled my guts about everything. I think it was seeing Cable in the hospital, all those tubes attached to him, that pushed me over the edge. It reminded me too much of all the times my mom had faked an injury or illness to get herself committed so she could score. I told him about Melanie and her threat. I told him about the money, and my summer spent trying to help Cable stay clean. I told him about the accident, the truth, not the garbage that was in the papers, and I told him all about falling for the absolute wrong person and how hard it was to walk away. I apologized for lying and waited for him to fix it all like he always had.

My dad shocked me by calling his boss at the brewery and quitting on the spot. He had some choice words for Melanie McCaffrey, but I begged him to let it go. She loved her son and refused to let him ruin his life. I reminded him we’d both been there with my mom. He said he refused to work for a woman who would manipulate his daughter that way. He agreed that Cable wasn’t someone he would ever pick out for me, considering his history and his issues, but he didn’t judge me for falling so far, so fast. He held me while I cried and told me to believe in the good parts Cable showed me, but to stay aware of the bad ones. He was the best dad ever, and he handled my first broken heart like a pro. But he couldn’t fix what was broken. He couldn’t console me when I fell apart after calling the hospital to check on Cable, only to be told he’d checked out against doctor’s orders. The only person who could help the heartache had disappeared like a puff of smoke, drifting away in the darkness just like he always warned me he would.

My dad also told me that he had been considering for a long time what he was going to do once the house was empty. His whole life had been working to keep a roof over our heads and to take care of me, but now that I was venturing out on my own, it was time for him to live a little. Within a month of me getting to school and getting settled, he sold our house and used the money to buy an RV. He told me he wanted to see the country. He wanted to travel and experience all that life had to offer. I had been worried all along about Melanie uprooting my father, but as it turned out, the man was a rolling stone. He was never in one place for very long, and I got a postcard once a week from places I’d only ever seen in magazines and on TV. He was making his way to California from Seattle to spend Thanksgiving with me, and I couldn’t wait to see him. He had no regrets about leaving Loveless behind, and I actually envied his carefree attitude. People only had power over us if we allowed them to.

“Are you seeing someone, Affton? Do you have a boyfriend back home or something?” He looked confused rather than confrontational. He really didn’t understand why I wouldn’t give him a shot. “I admire your drive and I think how smart you are really is sexy, but this is college. There is more to life than what’s in our books. I really want the chance to get to know you better. I think we would be a good fit.” He sounded so sincere, and he was right; he was a much better fit than the boy I left behind and couldn’t forget.

I shifted and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I . . . uh . . . I’m not . . .” I stumbled to a stop, almost tripping over my own feet as we reached the front of my building. The guy next to me grabbed my arm to keep me from tumbling over as I went still, mouth hanging open, breath wheezing in and out, heart pounding so hard it hurt, because there was no mistaking the familiar figure sitting on the steps of my building.

There was a cigarette dangling out of his mouth, and his eyes were locked on my elbow where the boy was still holding on. I blinked rapidly to make sure he was real, and when he didn’t disappear, I remembered to breathe.

He climbed to his feet, and I automatically took a step toward him. Pulled, as if he was magnetic and I was a piece of metal. Tugged, because he was the sun and I was nothing more than a planet caught in his orbit. He moved me without even trying.

He looked different, better. His dark blond hair was shorter than it had been over the summer, cut close to his head on the sides and in the back, but longer on top and slicked back. The pale white pieces from the summer sun were gone and so were the shadows in his eyes. Those chocolate-colored orbs were clear and sharp, never wavering from the point where the boy who wasn’t him touched me. The scowl on his face was familiar, and so was the swagger as he stepped closer to me and my unwanted companion. Neither one of us spoke, but there was an entire conversation that took place as we stared unblinking at each other.

I pulled myself together enough to shake loose of the hold on my arm and looked at my classmate with genuine regret. I wish I had been able to see him, that he had been able to break through, but the only one who had ever been able to climb over all my walls was Cable. Now, he didn’t even have to scale them. There was a door to my heart, and he was the only person who had the key. We were right out of a terrible movie. I was the otherwise smart and intrepid heroine making the dumbest choices when it came to men. This man. Standing next to me was the perfect example of who and what I should want, but everyone knew I was going to go for the guy who was obviously all wrong for me.

“I’m sorry.” I looked at the guy from my class out of the corner of my eyes. The apology would sound more sincere if I bothered to learn his name. “I don’t have a boyfriend, exactly . . . it’s complicated.” Cable had never been something as simple as a boyfriend, and he never would be. “I’m not interested in seeing anyone else.”

Cable stopped a couple feet away, and I could feel him. I could feel his tension and his intensity. I could smell his cigarette and the sun and sand that always clung to him. I could hear him inhale and exhale, slow and steady as if he was trying to keep himself in check. I could see his eyes shift from brown to that darker color that was almost black. He was feeling things, so many things, and he was working through all those emotions, not running or hiding from a single one of them.

My would-be suitor let out a dry laugh and turned on his heel. “You can’t see anyone else, even if you were interested. You’ve been looking through anyone who approached you all semester, and now I know why. You only have eyes for whoever that guy is. You have no trouble looking right at him. I’ll catch you after Thanksgiving break. My offer to study still stands. I meant it when I told you that I dig the fact that you’re as smart as you are pretty. See you later, Affton.”

He walked away, and Cable came closer. He put one of his hands in the pocket of his jean jacket and used the other to pull the cigarette out of his mouth. His sandy brows lifted and the corner of his mouth turned down as he asked, “Did I interrupt something?”

Typical Cable. No hello. No greeting of any kind.

I cocked my head to the side and answered his question with one of my own. “What are you doing here?”

He dropped the cigarette to the ground and put it out under the toe of his sneaker. He lifted a hand to the back of his neck and looked down at the ground as he answered. “It was time.” Could it be that easy and that simple?

“I haven’t heard from you in months.” There was no hiding the accusation in my tone. I’d been worried about him. I’d missed him and grieved for him. It rankled that he was acting like we’d barely been apart.

He swore and lifted his head so that he was looking at me. Everything was in those dark eyes. Every minute we spent separated, every second spent divided and drowning in loneliness.

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” He shifted with uncertainty and blew out a breath. “It can be somewhere public if you don’t want to be alone with me.”

There was a time when the last thing I wanted was to be trapped one on one with him. For the last several months, being alone with him was what I dreamed about at night. It was a fantasy I let play in my head when I was having a particularly bad day. It was what kept me right where I was when I knew it would be so much better to emotionally walk away from him.

“We can go up to my room. It’s nothing special, and I have a roommate, but it’s quiet and close.” He owed me an explanation. Hell, he owed me a whole lot more than that, but to start, I would be happy with him telling me where he had been and why he hadn’t reached out.

He nodded and followed me into the building. We didn’t talk in the elevator on the way up to my floor. I waved absently to a couple of girls who lived down the hall from me. I was surprised they knew my name since I didn’t go out of my way to hang out or engage with anyone. I was less surprised they were curious about Cable and wanted an introduction. I didn’t give them one. Luckily, the apartment appeared to be empty when we got inside. I wasn’t sure where any of this was going between the two of us, but I didn’t want an audience for any of it.

“How do you like your roommate?” I threw my bag on the floor by the bed and watched as Cable meandered around the tiny room checking out the small touches I added to make the place feel more homey.

There was a chair at the desk, but that’s where he was standing, so I took a seat on the edge of the bed. My skin prickled as his eyes followed the movement. Me and him in a small space that was mostly taken up by a bed was probably not the best idea I’d ever had.

“She’s fine. She’s a fellow psych major so we have a couple classes together and a lot of the same assignments. She’s quiet. She has a boyfriend who lives in the Mission district across the Bay, so she’s gone a lot. She isn’t Jordan, but I like her.” I liked her more than I thought I would. She was serious and driven, and she never asked why I always seemed to be sad and lost.

Cable slid his hands into the front pockets of his faded jeans and leaned back against my desk. His voice was quiet and intense when he told me, “I missed you, Reed.”

It made my heart squeeze. It hurt. It hurt so bad that I put a hand to the center of my chest and pushed against the pain. “Why didn’t you call me then? Or text, or email? There were lots of ways for you to reach out to me, Cable. You’ve always known exactly where I was.” All I wanted to know was that he was okay. I wanted to know he was making good choices and trying to be better. Not for me, for himself.

“I didn’t take the painkillers or the prescription for Oxy.” He pulled his hand out of his pocket and held it out in front of him so I could see all the fine white lines that now cut across his fingers and the back of his palm. His spider web tattoo had voids in the ink where he was scarred, but it didn’t make the tattoo look any less badass. “That sucked. I really, really wanted something to take the edge off, but you were right. If I started slipping down that hill, I would snowball, and there would be no controlling the avalanche of destruction that followed. I told them no for you, but after talking with Doc Howard, I realized I told them no for me, as well. Besides, my mom lost her shit when she heard what they were trying to give me. I think that doctor is still trying to grow some new skin after she ripped him a new ass.”

I wanted to cry in relief. “That’s amazing, Cable.” I was so proud he worked through what he was feeling and came to the right conclusion. It gave me hope . . . for him . . . and for us.

He chuckled and pushed his marked hand through the front of his hair. “When you told me you were going, I lost it. I didn’t want the painkillers for my hand; I wanted them for my heart. I wasn’t used to caring about anyone the way I care about you.”

At least he said care and not cared because the past tense would have shattered the paper-thin composure I was holding onto. “You were the one who said we had to end. You were the one who told me there was no place for you in my life.” I would have made room for him if he asked, but instead, I ran before he could chase me away.

A grin tugged at his mouth, and I wanted to feel it against my lips. Along with his eyes being clear, it appeared that some of the weight that held down his soul had lifted, as well. That smile was real. It was genuine, and there was nothing but self-deprecating humor behind it. No malice or manipulation.

“You gave up so much of your life for one addict. I couldn’t let you give up any more for another. There isn’t room in your life for someone who isn’t willing to try and recover.”

That was sweet but also heartbreaking. “You were trying.”

He shook his head and moved off the desk. He made his way over to where I was sitting and lowered himself next to me on the edge of the bed. Instantly, everything in my body tensed. When we touched, there was always an electric current passing from him into me. I was intently aware of how close we were and how easy it would be to close that distance.

“I wasn’t really trying, Affton. I was going through the motions. If I were really trying, I would have been honest with the doctor when he asked me about my history. I would have let Doc Howard help me the way he wanted to all summer. I would have left you alone until I got my shit together and could offer you something other than sex.”

I flinched a little at that, but he reached out and put a hand over mine where they were locked together on my lap in front of me. His voice was low and intimate, soothing, even when he told me, “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a minute we spent together this summer, and I would still take my shot if it meant I got you naked, but you deserved better, and I don’t blame you for taking off. You didn’t have a choice. I did need to get better for myself first, and only after that would I be good enough for you. You asked me to prove I could love you and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.”

Since he’d been a ghost and I had no clue what he’d been up to, I had a hard time believing he was proving anything to anyone. “How have you been proving that?”

He rubbed his thumb in a circle along the outside of my wrist. I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t moan. I missed the feel of him. I missed the way I felt because of him.

“After you left, I told my mom I was ready for her help. I was ready to really try and make some significant changes. I didn’t want to be an addict anymore, I wanted to be a recovering addict. We talked to Doc Howard, and he helped me see a specialist. Between therapy and medication, I got a lot of my shit straight. I mean, I’m still a mess. I’m clinically depressed and have all kinds of anxiety because of the accident and all the stuff that happened after, so I doubt I’ll ever been one hundred percent even-keeled. But for the most part, I don’t feel as alone or as untethered as I did. Most of the fog has lifted, but there are still days I struggle to see through the haze of it all.”

My pulse jumped, and I was sure he felt it because that grin turned into a full-fledged smile. He was still the only one who could make me react. The guy from my class was right. I looked through everyone else because I only had eyes for Cable.

“I spent a month on the shore getting used to the prescriptions and finding what worked. There were a few that made me feel like a zombie and some that made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin. But ultimately, we found a good balance of meds and therapy. I also told my mom I wanted to meet my sisters, and after some initial resistance, she agreed that it would be good for me. Miglena took a little longer to convince, but eventually, she relented after being assured she wasn’t going to lose her job. My mom also promised to make sure my dad follows through with child support for both of them. She’s done paying to keep them away. We both know how ruthless she can be when she sets her mind to something. Money won’t be as tight for her, and my dad can’t keep pretending like none of his children exist. The oldest one looks just like me, and the younger one obviously takes after Miglena. They are the sweetest little girls. Eight and six years old. We went for ice cream. They asked me if I could teach them to surf.” His eyes were still on mine and his lips quirked into a slight grin. Some of the tension in his broad shoulders seemed to dissipate when I stayed right where I was. I doubted I would ever be able to pull away from him again.

He sounded so proud and so pleased that I got a little choked up. “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you.” He needed all the love he could get and the kind of love that came from two innocent little girls who had no idea where he had been or who he had been was the best kind. It was pure and unwavering.

“I also went and talked to the guy Jenna hit in the accident, the one who ended up in a wheelchair. I wanted to apologize and tell him that if he ever needed anything to make his new normal easier, to let me know. He told me he read the article in the paper and knew I wasn’t the one responsible for the crash. He asked me if I was still using and when I told him I wasn’t and that I’d been clean since that night, he told me he could forgive me and that he would pray for me. He was happy we both lived. He called it a miracle, and I realized I’d been living my life the wrong way. I was pissed I survived instead of being grateful I got more time to make things right. He’s a better man than I’ll ever be, but I realized I could learn a lot from him. If he could forgive me if I was trying, then I sort of felt like I finally had permission to forgive myself.”

He trailed off a little bit, possibly thinking about the girl who had made such a huge impact on his past, or maybe, I hoped, thinking about the one who was going to have everything to do with his future.

“When I was feeling steadier, I told my mom I wanted to go to that program she set up for me before the accident. I stayed clean all summer but just barely. If you hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have made it. I needed to learn how to cope with the cravings and how to live without a crutch. Getting the clearance to go away within the confines of my existing parole stipulations took a lot longer than I expected, but it was worth it. I learned that my rock-bottom isn’t as low as some others and that my struggle isn’t unique. I won’t ever be recovered but I am in recovery, and it feels damn good. That’s where I needed to go . . . where I needed to be . . . in order to end up here with you. I thought there were endless roads to travel, but there was only one that was going to take me where I really wanted to be. I left the program a couple weeks ago. I would have reached out sooner, but I needed to know I was making the effort for the right reasons and not just because it was what you needed from me. I had something to prove.”

I blinked hard so I wouldn’t cry. I pulled my hand out from underneath his hold and laced my fingers through his. “I’m impressed.” I really was. “I was proud of you before; I’m in awe of you now.”

He reached up and caught a rebellious teardrop with the end of his finger. “Don’t cry for me. Not anymore. I’m not the guy who makes girls cry anymore. I’m not the guy who doesn’t care when those tears are for me anymore.”

I sniffed and blinked against the rest of the moisture that gathered. “I can’t help it. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to see you again, and if I did, I had no idea what version of Cable I was going to get. Nothing prepared me for this version.”

He lifted an eyebrow and leaned into me so that he could bump his shoulder into mine. “What version is this?”

“The wide awake one. The reasonable and rational one.” I had no idea what to do with this Cable, but I knew if I couldn’t resist any of the other versions of him, there was no way I stood a chance against this one; this one made all kinds of sense and had my heart fluttering like a million butterfly wings in the middle of a whirlwind.

“Since I’m putting it all on the table, I need to tell you I’m the one who paid you for giving up your summer. It was the least I could do after everything you gave up, and the truth is, I wanted to have a part in you living out your dreams. I wasn’t sure there was going to be a spot for me in them anymore. I had no clue how long it was going to take to get myself straightened out, and I wouldn’t blame you for not waiting around.” His smile fell, and his eyes narrowed. “You definitely didn’t seem to hate having Mr. Four-Eyes walk you back from class.”

He wouldn’t blame me for not waiting around? Did he not know me at all? I’d been waiting on him since I first saw him all those years ago. The hate I knew for him was actually compassion, love, a need to protect something that wasn’t mine to protect. He made me feel for him when I was scared. My mom had hurt me in ways I would never heal from. I didn’t want him to do the same thing. Even though I was halfway across the country from where we started and stopped, my heart wouldn’t move away from him.

I left because I loved him and he told me it wasn’t possible. I ran because I wanted him more than I wanted out of Loveless. I bolted because even when I was convinced I hated him, he was still the only one I could see and the only one who really saw me.

“I don’t even know his name,” I whispered the words as he tilted his head so that it rested against the side of mine. “I don’t even know what he looks like.”

Cable snorted and tightened his hold on my hand. “He was standing right next to you, Reed. He was touching you.”

There was jealousy there, and I had to admit I didn’t mind it. “He could have been standing right in front of me, and it wouldn’t matter. You’re the only person I see. You’re the only one I feel in here.” I touched my fingers to my chest and felt my heart kick in agreement. “No one else can withstand the cold.”

He turned his head so his lips could touch my cheek. That small touch made me shiver from head to toe. “Ice is nothing more than frozen water, and you know how I feel about the water.” I felt him smile right before his lips touched the corner of my mouth. “It’s pretty much my favorite thing. I adore you, Affton. I want to learn how to love you. Show me how.”

I did everything right.

I never misstepped.

I was careful, controlled, and had all the plans.

I was focused, attentive, and driven. I’d worked my ass off to get exactly where I was.

I told myself nothing and no one was going to hold me back or slow me down. I rolled over everyone who got in my way and never looked back.

I’d never had anything handed to me or had anything come easy.

Including love. Nothing was more challenging than loving Cable James McCaffrey. I guess it was a good thing that I knew nothing would be more rewarding than learning to be loved by him.