IF YOUR FIRST EXPOSURE to James Bond happened before the age of nine, you probably fell in love with the series for one reason: the gadgets.
The women were hot, but you wouldn’t care about that for a few more years. James Bond was tough and could fight, but so could those short guys on UHF’s Samurai Saturday, and they had the added appeal of speaking without their lips matching up to their words. Global politics, espionage, and undercover infiltrations still aren’t interesting, years later.
No, the thing that made your prepubescent brain scream with unrestrained joy was all the cool stuff Bond picked up in Q Branch. You wanted the grappling-hook pistol, and the pen filled with acid, and the laser watch, and the hand-held suction cups for climbing walls, and the wrist dart gun, and the rappelling cummerbund—even though you had no idea what a cummerbund was.
But now that you’re all grown up, do the gadgets still have the same appeal? Do you still wish you could run to the nearest Wal-Mart and buy an electric razor that can deliver a close shave plus sweep your room for electronic listening devices?
This practical guide will look at some of the best of Bond’s gadgets, and offer valuable buying advice to those interested in plunking down their hard-earned dollars for spy gear.
GADGET: False-bottom briefcase which holds a magnetic mine, used by Bond in Octopussy.
USES: Protecting and transporting papers, blowing things up.
COOLNESS: Hidden compartments are always cool. So are mines.
REALITY: These already exist, in a wide variety of colors and payloads.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Yes, you do. Think about how memorable your next corporate meeting will be if you’re carrying one of these.
SAFETY TIP: Don’t try to bring it through airport security.
GADGET: Snorkel that looks like a seagull, used by Bond in Goldfinger.
USES: Fool your friends at the pool, see other seagulls up close, collect change from the bottom of public fountains.
COOLNESS: Uncool. The crocodile submarine in Octopussy has many more applications. In fact, so does simple scuba gear. Q Branch was apparently hitting the NyQuil when they thought this one up.
REALITY: Possible to manufacture, but tough to market, depending on where you put your lips.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Not really, except to amuse yourself while drinking too much.
HYGIENE TIP: Boil the bird after every use.
GADGET: Ski pole that fires a rocket, used in The Spy Who Loved Me.
USES: Improve your slalom time, blow up your friends, roast a chicken really fast.
COOLNESS: Very cool.
REALITY: Single use wouldn’t be practical; it would be too heavy, and it might go off too soon (many men have this problem, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about).
DO YOU WANT IT?: Yes, but you should be careful—tucking high explosives under your arm while speeding 70 mph downhill isn’t for anyone under the age of fourteen.
SAFETY TIP: Practice on the bunny slope before you take it down that black diamond run.
GADGET: Aston Martin DB5 sports car, used by Bond in Goldfinger, Thunderball, GoldenEye, and Tomorrow Never Dies.
USES: The ultimate road rage machine/babe magnet: oil-slick sprayer, smoke screens, tire-slashing blades, machine guns, and an ejector seat for when your blind date turns out to be a bore.
COOLNESS: This is one pimped-out ride.
REALITY: You could probably pay to have this car custom made, but it would cost a lot of money, and you wouldn’t be allowed to drive it anywhere, except maybe in Texas.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Hell, yeah. Rush hour would never be the same.
BUYING TIP: At the dealer, don’t be afraid to haggle. And don’t get suckered into buying the undercarriage rust protection.
GADGET: Stick-on third nipple, used by Bond in The Man with the Golden Gun.
USES: For those many times in life when you just need a third nipple.
COOLNESS: At first glance, not very cool. But once you consider the possibilities (see below), the coolness factor rises, much more so than the fake fingerprints Bond used in Diamonds Are Forever.
REALITY: Hollywood SPFX guys make these all the time, and you can too with some plaster for an impression cast, and some foam latex. Hint: Shave your chest first.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Yes. Put them on sofas, on jewelry, on windows, on fruit, and all over yourself before that visit to the public pool.
SAFETY TIP: Don’t use Super glue.
GADGET: Little Nellie portable gyrocopter with rocket launchers, machine guns, flamethrower, and heat-seeking missiles from You Only Live Twice.
USES: Fly around, impress the ladies, drop stuff on people.
COOLNESS: Übercool. Smaller than a helicopter. Not nearly as expensive to use as the Bell-Trexton rocket pack Bond used in Thunderball, and with a lot more firepower.
REALITY: Available on eBay for under 20k, but without the weaponry. (Weaponry is available separately on eBay.)
DO YOU WANT IT?: Of course you want it. Just think about all the stuff you could drop on people.
SAFETY TIP: From three hundred feet, a small honeydew melon can cripple a man.
GADGET: Wristwatch with plastic explosive and detonator, used by Bond in Moonraker.
USES: Blow stuff up, threaten to blow stuff up.
COOLNESS: Cool. Blowing stuff up never gets old.
REALITY: Possible, and cheap to make. But you’d have to buy refills all the time. They always get you on the refills.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Yes. Excuse me, what time is it? It’s time to blow stuff up! Let’s start with that stupid seagull snorkel.
SAFETY TIP: Don’t play with all the dials until you’ve read the instructions.
GADGET: Keys that open ninety percent of the world’s locks, used by Bond in The Living Daylights.
USES: Unlimited: Steal cars. Rob banks. Take the change from parking meters. Shop after hours. And never pay for a vending machine again.
COOLNESS: Opening stuff up: cool. Walking around like a janitor with a big key ring: uncool.
REALITY: Master keys exist, and can be found on the Internet. So can lock picks. So can lawyers, which you’ll need after you get caught opening up other people’s locks.
DO YOU WANT IT?: No. You’d probably just lose them.
SAFETY TIP: Don’t keep these in your back pocket while ice skating. Or your front pocket.
GADGET: Surfboard with concealed explosives, combat knife, and minicomputer, used by Bond in Die Another Day.
USES: Hang ten, then kill seven.
COOLNESS: Super cool. You can shred that gnarly barrel, and at the same time Google what the hell that means.
REALITY: It’s possible to produce, but be careful you don’t wax your minicomputer.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Of course. But instead of weapons and electronics, you can fill your board with soda and snacks (that you got for free at the vending machine).
SAFETY TIP: Make sure the combat knife is properly secured before you hit the waves, or you’ll be hanging nine.
GADGET: X-Ray glasses, used by Bond in The World Is Not Enough.
USES: Seeing though things like playing cards, safes, walls, doors, and clothing (to look for concealed weapons and stick-on third nipples).
COOLNESS: Perhaps Bond’s coolest gadget. It would sure make everyday life a lot more interesting.
REALITY: If you ever sent away for a pair of these in the back of a comic book, you know they don’t work, but what did you expect for $2.95? Your mother told you they wouldn’t work, didn’t she? Real versions may exist, but they probably cost big bucks. And cause cancer.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Sure you do. Just don’t take them to family reunions. Or retirement homes.
COMFORT TIP: Wear baggy pants.
GADGET: Underwater manta ray cloak, used by Bond in Licence to Kill.
USES: Pretend you’re a manta ray, get close to other manta rays, get sexually assaulted by a manta ray.
COOLNESS: Not cool, unless you have a secret thing for manta rays.
REALITY: Can be made in real life, but for God’s sake, why?
DO YOU WANT IT?: Only if you’re really lonely. You might also consider getting the seagull snorkel as well, and pretend you’re a ray chasing a seagull. You can play that one for hours and hours.
BUYING TIP: If you spend more that $30 for this, you’re a real moron.
GADGET: Lotus Esprit sports car that turns into a submarine, complete with mines, missiles, underwater ink jets, and self-destruct mechanism, that Bond used in The Spy Who Loved Me and For Your Eyes Only.
USES: Never take the ferry again, drive into swimming pool to fetch the quarters Grandpa throws in there.
COOLNESS: A hot car, and a hot submersible, all in one. Plus rockets.
REALITY: Boat cars do exist in real life, but they’re actually dorky looking, and driven by people who can’t get dates.
DO YOU WANT IT?: You know you do. But when purchasing options, go for an Alpine stereo and Bose speakers instead of a self-destruct button—it’s more practical.
UNDERWATER TIP: If you drive over a starfish and cut it in half, it will grow into two new starfishes, both of them very pissed off at you.
GADGET: Dinner jacket which turns into a black sniper’s outfit, used by Bond in The Living Daylights and Licence to Kill.
USES: When black tie events become boring.
COOLNESS: Cooler than the light blue tux with the ruffle shirt which turns into an adult diaper, but not by much.
REALITY: They already have these for rent at Gingiss. You’ll need two forms of ID, and there’s a mandatory fourteen-day waiting period.
DO YOU WANT IT?: You don’t want to admit it, but yes, you do. But then, you never had much taste in clothing.
FASHION TIP: Belts are okay, but the trendy sniper prefers suspenders.
GADGET: Cigarette lighter grenade, used by Bond in Tomorrow Never Dies.
USES: No smoking means no smoking.
COOLNESS: Anything that blows up is cool (see plastic explosive watch).
REALITY: You can put explosives into anything: lighters, bottles, cans, small animals, etc.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Absolutely. Think about taking it to a heavy metal concert for when the power ballad is playing.
SAFETY TIP: Don’t get it confused with your real lighter, because you might accidentally throw your real lighter at the bad guys and they’ll say, “Why’d you throw a lighter at us, stupid? Are we supposed to be scared?” Also, you might blow your face off.
GADGET: Piton gun with retractable wire, used by Bond in Diamonds Are Forever and GoldenEye.
USES: Climb up buildings and rock faces, retrieve the remote control without getting up from the couch.
COOLNESS: Climbing, swinging, and shooting things are all cool.
REALITY: Wouldn’t actually be strong enough to hold a man’s weight, but you could have fun letting your buddies try it out.
DO YOU WANT IT?: Yes. It’s like being Spider-Man, but without the webby discharge.
SAFETY TIP: Don’t point it at your own face, or at family members, unless you’re trying to climb them.
GADGET: Exploding talcum powder tear gas, used by Bond in From Russia With Love.
USES: Personal hygiene, making enemies cry.
COOLNESS: Talc isn’t very cool. Neither is tear gas. But it does explode, which counts for something.
REALITY: It might already exist. It might not. Who cares?
DO YOU WANT IT?: No. You make your significant other cry all the time without gas, and no one uses talc anymore.
SAFETY TIP: Wear a gas mask before applying to your underarms.
GADGET: Magnetic watch with circular saw, used by Bond in Live and Let Die.
USES: Cutting through rope tied around your wrists, finding screws you dropped on the carpeting.
COOLNESS: Having your watch face spin around really fast is cool. Cutting off your own hand at the wrist is uncool.
REALITY: Buy a chainsaw that tells time instead. It’s cheaper and more effective.
DO YOU WANT IT?: No. If you want a cool Bond timepiece, get the plastic explosive watch. Or the laser beam watch from Tomorrow Never Dies. Or the grappling-hook watch from The World Is Not Enough. Or the ticker tape message watch from The Spy Who Loved Me. Or the digital radio watch from For Your Eyes Only. Or even the Geiger counter watch from Thunderball—you can’t have too many Geiger counters around the house.
SAFETY TIP: Careful you don’t lose any fingers when you reset for different time zones.
Remember: You’re never too old to play with toys. Especially explosive, potentially deadly, extremely expensive toys. Just think about how envious your friends and family will be when they see you driving around in your sporty new BMW 750 iL with the electrified door handles, bulletproof glass, reinflating tires, and rear nail ejectors.
Go ahead. Think about it. Because that’s as close as you’ll ever get to owning one, spy-boy.
Now go boil your seagull snorkel—that thing is riddled with germs.
JA KONRATH is the author of a wildly successful thriller series about Chicago cop Lt. Jack Daniels, which includes Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, and the forthcoming Dirty Martini. Joe’s stories and essays have appeared in many magazines and anthologies. He lives in the suburbs, has one wife, three kids (that he knows of), and a few dogs. Visit him at www.JAKonrath.com.