WHAT’S WRONG WITH REPUBLICANS?
“It is a generalized massive branding problem.”
—Joe Scarborough, MSNBC host and shitty detective, explaining why people hate Republican policies
Researchers asked a series of questions about 23 major issues, aimed at ascertaining which political party’s position people agree with. Turned out, from gun control to healthcare to abortion to unions, people agreed with the Democratic position on 22 of the 23 issues.
This prompted Joe Scarborough to respond that the problem is really just . . . branding. Really, Joe? We’re talking about the modern- day Republican Party. It’s not like you have the greatest chocolate bar in the world, and the problem is it’s named “Cancer.” The problem is you are selling the world’s worst smelling lump of shit, and you think the problem is the wrapper.
No need to change your narrow-minded, reactionary positions on everything, you just have to “rebrand” yourself. Try some slick TV ads with dark people in them.
An easy way to change people’s perception of who you are is to start changing your backward ideas on . . . everything. Except that 23rd thing.
But you’re right about one thing, Joe . . . your problem is massive.
JOHN BOEHNER
Jimmy? It’s me, Boehner—(long, exasperated exhale)—Why in God’s name did I want to be Speaker of the House? Oh, I remember: commanding a legion of rabid house cats wasn’t available. I could be smoking, playing golf, and telling racist jokes right now, but noooooo . . . I had to make my dead father proud by captaining this goddamn Titanic straight to the port of Fuck-me-istan.
On one side, I got the Tea Party people—“Hey, we came to Congress specifically not to govern!” What the hell is that? “Hey, I tried out for the basketball team specifically so I could refuse to play basketball.” These people informally appointed Crazy Eyes Bachmann their leader—if you’re gonna do that, why not just put a pig head on a stick and worship that? Then, I got Canter breathing down my back—hey Eric, since you’re always back there anyway, why not massage my hemorrhoids while you’re at it? Man, that guy is six kinds of creepy. I make sure I am never alone with him, let alone make eye contact. He’s always like, “Hey John . . . you want a piece of candy from my pocket?”
Then I got Norquist—fucking Norquist. “If you raise taxes, I’ll find someone more to the right to challenge you in your next primary!” Really? You’re gonna find someone further to the right of Peter King? Well, good luck travelling to the underworld to find that guy.
Jimmy, I’m telling you, I am surrounded by so many defectives, I can’t even cry at public speaking events anymore—and that was my thing, man—that was like, my signature move. I would mention the ‘rents, cry like a giant orange baby, then I was out.
I’m just venting, man—cuz ugh.
OK, I am gonna go, but Jimmy, I am going to imagine you are giving me a long, manly, gentle hug. Like you just took me in your weird, bony arms and let me smell your scent, and—
(lump in throat)
Oh—there, now the tears are finally coming—I gotta get to a microphone!
(BEEP)
THE RIGHT WING ALMANAC WITH GARRISON KRISTOL
And here is the Right Wing Almanac for Thursday. It was on this day in 2000 that the U.S. Supreme Court in a five-to-four decision issued an order halting the recount of contested ballots in Florida, thereby giving the election to George W. Bush, though Al Gore likely won the election. Alan Dershowitz called the order “. . . the single most corrupt decision in Supreme Court history.”
And we were then plunged into eight years of darkness where the beast ruled the world through the currency of ignorance.
It’s the anniversary of Senior White House Advisor Edwin Meese saying, in 1983, that people went to soup kitchens “because food is free and that’s easier than paying for it.” Two years later, Meese would say that he didn’t believe Miranda warnings were necessary, because “you don’t have many suspects that are innocent of a crime.” Naturally, in 1985, President Reagan appointed this Teddy Bear of Compassion to be U.S. Attorney General. True to form, Meese later resigned in disgrace when he was linked to fraudulent no-bid government contracts. As with all criminals and failures in the Republican Party, he has continued to play a prominent role in politics and business. Among other things Meese was recently the chairman of the Heritage Foundation—the league of evil that brought you the Iraq war—and is currently sabotaging the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty.
Finally, it was on this day in 1958 that a group of completely insane and angry white men held their first meeting as The John Birch Society in Indianapolis, Indiana. Robert Welch Jr., a retired candy manufacturer, led the group of twelve that would eventually become one of the most influential right-wing cabals in America. Staunch anti-communists, even long after the Cold War, Society members find communist conspiracies in pretty much everything they don’t like. For instance that show on NBC that everyone says is really funny, but I don’t get it, so I feel bad, and they must be pinkos! The John Birch Society has opposed, among other things, the United Nations, civil rights, and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration. Also, they hate help—like basic helping of people—like they’ll shout things like, “Hey Grandma, take some responsibility and walk yourself across the street!” or “Hold the door for you? What is this, Russia? Get out your own keys, comrade!”
Here are a few words for today by former President George W. Bush, perhaps apropos for this week: “We need to counter the shockwave of the Evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates.”
Be well, work it real good, and keep touching yourself.
DOWD IN THE MOUTH
Former Bush administration official Matthew Dowd is giving his advice on what he thinks the Republican Party should be doing to get back to relevance:
“They have to . . . run against Wall Street and run against Washington; they have to become the party of the middle class.”
—Matthew Dowd, on what Republicans need to do
Really? Republicans need to “run against Wall Street and become the party of the middle class.”
You mean become Democrats? They could use the help.
What would be the point of being a Republican? And what in the world is going to happen to the super rich without a voice in government?! Becoming the party of the middle class won’t be easy after thirty years of policies that have eroded the middle class.
He says the Republicans need to let the people know they are different, and then says:
“I think they need to stake out a ground that basically says, we not only look different, we’re gonna say things different . . . and whether they look at Marco Rubio, or Gov. Christie, looks different than normal people look, their brand has to change if they are going to win elections.”
Did he just say that Chris Christie doesn’t look like a Normal Person?
It’s all relative . . . compared to Haley Barbour, Chris Christie looks like George Clooney. I say Republicans need to lower their standards . . . they just lost with a guy that looked like Robert Stack. Chris Christie’s candidacy would break down the doors of discrimination if he could only squeeze through them.
I’m sure Republicans will warm up to Marco Rubio, right after Bobby Jindal gets in the race.
WHITES ONLY
“What Republicans need to do to re-group, we’ll ask our Sunday Panel.”
—Chris Wallace (the bad Wallace), Fox News
"Republicans look to regroup," and by that he means to find ways to attract minorities to the Republican Party. Who better to figure out how to attract minorities than five of the whitest people in America: Evan Bayhe, Bill Kristol, Laura Ingraham, Kirsten Powers, and Chris Wallace. That was seriously who Fox News had on the panel to bring their revelatory perspectives on the matter. How about stop being the political party that seeks insights about minorities from the likes of Evan Bayhe, Bill Kristol, Laura Ingraham, etc . . . .
“We will never have the smart people on our side.”
–Rick Santorum
He’s right, those elite, smart, college-educated people will always be against the conservatives, because they read books, and right-wingers want to burn them.
“President Obama once said he wants everyone in America to go to college, what a snob!”
—Rick Santorum (MBA, University of Pittsburgh)
OK, first thing: I’m pretty sure President Obama never said that. I’m guessing he said he wanted everyone to be able to go to college. Which isn’t just a slight difference—it’s completely different. And also, this from the guy who wants everyone to get with the Lord. I, for one, would rather sit through a state-mandated English survey course than catechism—and that’s not snobbery—that’s a reasonable sense of entertainment value.
“What a snob!”
Wow, how often do you hear someone hit a talking point that hard?! I mean, he just said it. Man, at this rate, expect Santorum to say “uppity colored fella” sometime soon.
Just as a point of logic—a true snob wouldn’t want people to go to college. They’d want the masses to stay ignorant so they could feel superior to them . . . or exploit them, you know, like Foster Friess. Wait . . . something just clicked in my head . . . nope, I lost it.
“There are good, decent men and women, who go out and work hard every day, and put their skills to test, that aren’t taught by some liberal college professor that tried to indoctrinate them.”
Hmm, it sounds like he’s saying people who don’t go to college and work really hard are somehow more “real” than the lazy slackers who go to college, and “phone in” the rest of their lives. He’s almost saying there’s a sort of social hierarchy . . . like, I don’t know, a class warfare or something.
Indoctrinate them? What do Republicans think, that higher education is like a series of rituals in which the illogical dogma of a power structure is driven into the minds of young people? Like Sunday school, confirmation, first communion, mass, and confession?
“Oh, I understand why he wants you to go to college. He wants to remake you in his image!”
He does?!! He wants to remake me into the leader of the free world? What a fucking nightmare that would be! Oh wait, do you think Santorum means black? Like college turns you black? Man, that would be weird.
“You encouraged your kids to go to college?”
“I encouraged my kids to get higher education; absolutely, and in fact, if college is the best place for them, absolutely. But, you know what, if going to a trade school, and learning to be a carpenter or a plumber or other types of, other types of skills—an artist—whatever the case may be—”
Really, Rick? You’d be OK with your kids being artists? I am 100% sure that’s not true, unless your kid wanted to paint Jesus a lot—or become the next Thomas Kincaid, the master of light. Oh, and by the way, most art schools are four-year colleges.
But, this guy has a point: remember all those Obama speeches where he shits on plumbers and carpenters? Remember how he wanted to get them all healthcare—yeah—the healthcare of judgment!
“—or musician—”
Rick, on behalf of everyone in the liberal community, I can honestly say, we would love for your kid to become a musician—cuz I guarantee that would not be an Osmond / Von Trapp family scenario. That would be a series of cocaine-fueled albums about what a repressed dick the old man is, ending with death by autoerotic asphyxiation.
“All of those things are very important and worthwhile professions that we should not look down our noses at, and say they are somehow less because you didn’t get a four-year college degree . . .”
And really the best way to honor those professions is to defund every entitlement program that benefits working-class Americans we can get our hands on—oh, and, while we’re at it—fuck the arts, too.
So remember, kids—don’t listen to that elitist black asshole and go to one or more years of higher education (which is what Obama actually suggested). Just run with your high school diploma, which tells people you are a hard-working American—because you have no choice but to work at manufacturing jobs that no longer exist.
And don’t worry about Social Security, because between your poverty and lack of healthcare, you’ll die at forty or so . . . the way God intended. Because, there’s nothing wrong with letting your intellectual insecurities rule your politics and life . . . unless you want to live.
But this isn’t just about Rick Santorum; he is emblematic of a Republican Party that fears knowledge and book learning and shuns those who seek it.
This suspicion of higher learning does not sound unfamiliar coming from a modern-day Republican. Is there a day that goes by without a report of yet another elected Republican on tape denouncing evolution, or climate change, or science in general?
It didn’t used to be this way. This is the party that used to brag about its intellectuals because it had real ones, and it held up thinkers like William Buckley as its standard bearer. Men who not only read books, but also wrote them. That used to be the Republican Party.
Now it is an unseemly gaggle of proud anti-intellectuals and religious zealots who tell their kids that college is hippie indoctrination as often as they shame their naughty parts. Try to find a bona fide modern-day conservative intellectual who hasn’t been thrown out of the party yet.
David Frum, who had the temerity to suggest that the Republicans needed to compromise on Obamacare instead of offering nothing and losing, was fired from his post at the Heritage Foundation. The guy who coined the phrase “axis of evil” is too thinky for today’s Republicans.
They are being run by radical morons—Bachmann, Palin, Gohmert, Santorum—a group that is trying to gain a majority in government by appealing to an even dumber group of people than themselves.
Who are today’s conservative thinkers, the book writers that modern-day Republicans look to for guidance and ideas? Intellectual giants like Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Mark Levin.
For a few months in the run up to the 2012 election, the Republican standard bearer was Herman Cain, who opened a speech thusly:
“[America] needs a leader, not a reader.”
—Herman Cain, said while the Republican presidential front-runner
That should scare them more than it does me.
PHONE CALL FROM RICK SANTORUM’S SWEATER VEST
Hi ho, Jimmireeno, it’s me, Rick Santorum’s sweater vest! Ricky darling keeps talking about running for president again; he even talks about it in his sleep. I thought I’d give the public a little peek into what it’s like to be the sweater vest of a hearty hunk of a man like Rick Santorum!
I mean, some people have wondered, why would a man who wants to convey a sense of strength and leadership wear a sweater vest? I guess Rick decided that leather ass-less chaps weren’t masculine enough for him. But it’s all part of Rick’s sly, subversive strategy to make hateful attacks against homosexuals while wearing a piece of clothing from the Jim J. Bullock Collection of Men’s Fashions.
But as a sweater vest, I do more than make Rick Santorum look like a dweeb. I’m a very practical garment. When you’re Rick Santorum and you spend all day being a gay-bashing, woman-hating, race-baiting fear monger, you don’t want your bigoted intolerance weighted down by sleeves. Your arms can get very sweaty when you spend as much time pointing your finger in judgment as Rick does.
I’ve gotten to know Rick very well, because, frankly, he never takes me off. Ever! Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but at night, Rick removes all of his clothing except for me. He finds me very sensual. He likes the way I make his flesh feel all tingly when I wrap myself around his skin. The truth is, he’s a trans-vest-ual. But there’s nothing sick or twisted about it! He doesn’t use me for intercourse, because it’s not a man’s place to insert himself into a woman’s vagina—that’s the government’s job!
No, Ricky prefers to look at himself in the bathroom mirror while slowly rubbing a Bible against me. And I’ll have you know that he considers every sperm that he ejaculates all over the toilet seat cover to be a living, breathing human being, deserving of protection by the Personhood Amendment.
Well, I’ve probably revealed a little bit too much. I’d better be going. Rick just bought himself a fanny pack, and to be honest I’m a little worried. I feel that my status as the wussiest thing in Rick’s wardrobe is threatened.
So long, Jimmy. Stay fabulous!
SORE LOSERS
“It’s a changing country. There are 50% of the voting public who want stuff, they want things. And who is going to give them things? President Obama. . . . Twenty years ago, President Obama would be roundly defeated by an establishment candidate like Mitt Romney. The white establishment is now the minority.”
—Bill O’Reilly, freaking out after Obama’s win
They want stuff and things? I have to admit, he’s got a point. The people who voted for Obama certainly want stuff and things.
For example they want stuff like: affordable healthcare, equal rights for gays, and equal pay for women. That kind of stuff.
But they are such leeches they also want things! Yep, things like: the right for women to make their own reproductive health choices, and a chance to earn a living at a decent job that won’t be outsourced to a slave.
Things like freedom FROM religion, and a Federal Emergency Management Agency that actually can manage federal emergencies and natural disasters.
That would be the stuff and things that they want.
“The president succeeded by suppressing the vote . . . they effectively denigrated Mitt Romney’s character, his business acumen, business experience.”
–Karl Rove, badly trying to seem victimized after losing to the black guy for a second time
Let me explain what Rove means. “Suppressing the vote” is what happens when the other guy beats your guy decisively, and you look like an asshole.
Obama’s campaign said terrible things about Romney, such as he’s a rich guy who only cares about himself . . . and telling the truth like that is really out of bounds.
“They decided they are going to have this negative personal campaign to try to convince people that Romney was a bad person . . . they said he was a vulture capitalist—he was a bonfire bureaucrat married to an equestrian.”
—Haley Barbour
See, you should feel sorry for Mitt Romney and the Republicans because Obama waged a negative personal campaign, just what you’d expect from a Kenyan Muslim socialist Manchurian candidate trying to destroy Christianity.
He is right when he says that Obama’s outrageous attacks had nothing to do with Romney’s true character, because Romney doesn’t even have any character.
Funny to see the bullies cry that Obama’s attacks were personal, which they were. Like the attack that Romney was personally going to overturn Roe v. Wade, end Medicare, and cut taxes for billionaires.
HEY, ASSHOLE!—CHRIS CHRISTIE
Following the 2013 death of New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenberg, Governor Christie decided to hold a special election for the seat, instead of the regular scheduled election the following month. It was obvious to everyone that Christie was doing this to confuse and obstruct the vote for popular Democratic challenger Cory Booker.
JIMMY DORE: Governor Chris Christie, I know you’re in trouble for what you did with the Washington Bridge and withholding funds for Hoboken. It reminds me of when you decided to call a special election to fill a Senate seat.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Yeah, what about it?
JIMMY DORE: Why not just have it on the same day as the regular election in November when you’re on the ballot, too? I’m trying to figure why you do things the way you do. Now I want you to be honest. Why’d you do this?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Just reminding people I’m a big fat douchebag. Plus, it’s what we all deserved.
JIMMY DORE: What do you mean?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: The people of New Jersey deserve the senator, and I deserve to win my race for governor by 20 percent of the votes.
JIMMY DORE: Why do that and catch all this grief, that’s my question. I mean you could have just had the election on the same day, and you still could have won the governor race by at least ten points . . . why do it this way?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: And I deserve to win by twenty points.
JIMMY DORE: Okay.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: That’s who I am. I do things big. I don’t eat ‘til I’m full. I eat ‘til I’m tired. I could have stopped eating after a few of those White Castles, but I finished a full gross and a half because it’s who I am.
JIMMY DORE: Okay, but aren’t you worried this move reveals you as the typical politician putting self-interest before civic duty?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: No, I ain’t worried—people love it.
JIMMY DORE: What? What do you mean? People love it when you waste public money? That doesn’t make any sense, Governor.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: No? Well people love it when I’m ballsy for no reason and act like I don’t give a shit what people think of me. It’s actually a very interesting phenomenon.
JIMMY DORE: You mean it’s like when you’re talking like a macho tough guy, even though it’s obvious you’re acting in your own self-interest and are wasting taxpayer money . . . you’re telling me that people actually like that?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Like it? They love it.
JIMMY DORE: Why?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: I’m not really sure. I have a few theories.
JIMMY DORE: Like what? Share them with me.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Well, like, deep down, people generally hate other people. And when someone is being a dick to someone who is not themselves, they find it entertaining. Most people are pussies. It’s a thing they wished they could do . . . would do . . . if they only had the balls and could afford to lose their shitty mizzzz-er-able jobs.
JIMMY DORE: Okay. I get it. That makes sense, watching you tell someone off, consequences be damned, the people are getting a little bit of a feeling of having done it themselves. Is that what you’re saying?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: It’s called a “vicarious thrill.”
JIMMY DORE: Huh? What did you say?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: What you’re describing is called “vicarious.”
JIMMY DORE: Yeah, I know what vicarious means . . .
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Oh really, is that why you didn’t say it?
JIMMY DORE: Governor, I’m familiar with the term “vicarous.”
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Oh, but too bad your mouth couldn’t be as familiar with it as you are . . . It’s a real shame. My mouth is very familiar with that term. Which is why I said it.
JIMMY DORE: Okay, that’s enough, let’s move on.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: See, a bunch of people just got off on that!
CHRIS CHRISTIE: On me busting your stugots right now. That’s right in front of your face. That’s all.
JIMMY DORE: What?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Sta-goon.
JIMMY DORE: What?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: People loved it cuz I was giving it back to you.
JIMMY DORE: That was stupid, though.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t even matter that I’m wrong. All I’ve gotta do is be an ass, and some schmuck is going to eat it up; people eat it up. I can’t deny it, it’s fucking great.
JIMMY DORE: Okay. I can’t deny that you have one of the highest popularity ratings.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Nobody and nothing gets a 75% approval rating. I’m as popular as pizza and titties.
JIMMY DORE: Have you always known you’ve had this power?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: No, I first realized I had this power when way back I was doing this call-in show. This woman called in to bust my balls about cutting funding for public education. She asked me if I sent my kids to private school while at the same time cutting funding for public schools. Which was completely legitimate and a great point. I didn’t know what to do.
JIMMY DORE: So what did you do in that situation?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: I thought to myself—if this is what it’s like to be governor, getting bitched out by a pesky woman . . . and the public holds me accountable for my actions, then I don’t want any part of it. And right then and there I decided to chuck it.
JIMMY DORE: What do you mean by chuck? Chuck what?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: . . . Being governor. I didn’t want it anymore. So I told that broad to shut her fat mouth. It’s none of her business where I send my kids to school, and a bunch of rude, inappropriate stuff.
JIMMY DORE: Yeah, you know what, I do remember that. That’s kind of what made you famous, right?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: I thought for sure I was done. The people would be outraged by my behavior. And I could go back to my life screwing over the poor and working people in the private sector. But instead, they loved it. Which proves that most people in New Jersey are, deep down, hateful pricks who root for a bully. It’s like a parallel universe. I could not be luckier.
JIMMY DORE: So that’s when you realized that . . . you had this power?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Yeah. And I tried to see how far I could push it? . . . Just how powerful my power is.
JIMMY DORE: Yeah, what did you do?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: The next thing I did was publicly demonize and bully a teacher. She was bitching about me cutting public education and cutting teachers’ pay . . . you know, the usual B.S.
JIMMY DORE: Yeah, what did you do? How did you handle it?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Oh I went full asshole on her. I told her we didn’t need greedy teachers like her in New Jersey and to quit it if she didn’t like it! I thought it would cost me the governor’s mansion on that one. But it didn’t. The stupid, hateful schmucks loved me even more. That’s when news people started to like me publicly, too. And I knew that I had a true gift.
JIMMY DORE: And?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: And I decided to see just how powerful I was. And I publicly called a Navy war veteran an idiot and had him removed from a public forum. I was really out of line. I mean, come on.
JIMMY DORE: And what happened?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: People fucking loved it!! Are you kidding me!? After that, Brian Williams and Brokaw invited me to join the “regular people’s haters club.” It was really a great day.
JIMMY DORE: Wow. That’s an amazing gift you have or a power that people like. I don’t get it.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Yeah it’s pretty great. I kicked some little boy in the nuts for no reason.
JIMMY DORE: What?
CHRIS CHRISTIE: They carried me out up on a shield.
JIMMY DORE: Okay.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: It took like eighteen guys, but you know, whatever.
JIMMY DORE: Well, Governor, I appreciate—
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Yeah, I’ve had a long day of beating up the little guy here, so I better get going.
JIMMY DORE: Yes. Well I appreciate you taking the time . . . but I want you to know that people are starting to see through you, and that it’s going to be tough to become president. But thanks for taking time with us today.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Hey, yeah. Guess what?
JIMMY DORE: Tell me.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: Fuck you.
“Very rarely do I read a newspaper.”
–John Kasich, Republican governor of Ohio
Wow! What was the question? Governor, why are you so shitty at your job? And why do you seem totally tone deaf to reality? No that was Ohio Gov. John Kasich blaming the media for the passage of the referendum that repealed his anti-union legislation. He puts a new twist on the old phrase, “Reading is Fundamental”—now it’s, “Reading is Peripheral.”
But this does help explain why so many Republican ideals are more in line with comic books than newspapers . . . to them, Al Gore is the Green Goblin, Bill Clinton is the Joker, and Obama is Blade.
Lucky for us, Governor Kasich had even more to say on the subject:
“Very rarely do I read a newspaper, because just like some presidents have done in the past [I’ve found that] reading newspapers does not give you an uplifting experience. . . . Time to time, people will send me articles, and things I need to know about . . . My life’s a lot better if I don’t get aggravated by what I read in the newspaper . . .”
Okay, let’s hold our nose and unpack that.
Yes, that’s true, several presidents have chosen not to read newspapers – several truly terrible presidents. George Bush should not be your intellectual role model.
“[I’ve found that] reading newspapers does not give you an uplifting experience.”
Wow, I never thought about it that way. I thought a newspaper was there to report useful information that someone like me, or maybe the governor of a state, might find useful. I didn’t realize a newspaper was there to uplift me, like a sermon or a Kate Hudson movie.
“Time to time, people will send me articles, and things I need to know about.”
Time to time? Don’t you have daily meetings with advisors? Or are they also forbidden from delivering any actual information that might not uplift you? Are most of your staff meetings about gossip and planning office birthday parties?
He, one of the most powerful governors in the U.S., said he receives his news in the same manner and frequency with which he gets links to puppy videos on YouTube. Think it ever occurred to him this might have something to do with the failure of his legislative agenda?
“My life’s a lot better if I don’t get aggravated by what I read in the newspaper . . .”
And I’m sure the people of Ohio are grateful that your life is better. I’m sure they’re sitting around going, “I’m out of work, the schools are screwed, I can’t afford healthcare, and organized labor just took its worst body blow in 100 years—but the governor sure seems relaxed and easygoing.”
Still, you gotta admit, he makes it really tempting to be a Republican. I mean, where else can you proclaim things that should be shameful and get rewarded for it? This guy just proclaimed he doesn’t read the news, and his base is probably cheering. Our last president thought the world is six thousand years old, and he got elected twice! Don’t you wish you could do that? “I’m a chronic masturbator, and I’m afraid a monster might live in my closet!”
“Here’s a major position of power for you!”
But let’s remember exactly who Johnny Genius is anyway.
He’s a guy who was raised Catholic, but converted to Evangelical Christianity to be more conservative. Governor Kasich is currently hard at work fighting for the minorities in his state. And by minority, I mean the 3% of Ohioans who control the majority of that state’s wealth. And he’s fighting hard for those poor people by cutting corporate taxes and busting those bully unions—damn unions! Always trying to oppress the wealthy!
HEY, ASSHOLE!—JUDGE NAPOLITANO
“It is the height of stupidity to extend unemployment benefits; Americans need to get back to work!”
—Judge Napolitano, Fox Business
“The height of stupidity to extend unemployment benefits”?! Really, man? Even if it’s stupid—a suggestion with which most economists would disagree—I hardly think it’s the height.
I can think of a dozen things that are closer to the top of the stupid list—multiple tax cuts for millionaires, denying global warming, refusing to regulate an economy that just fell apart . . . but extending unemployment benefits? Most economists consistently say that unemployment is the fastest, most direct way to stimulate the economy. It occurs to me that the height of stupidity is to stand by your Horatio Alger dogma when all the empirical evidence is against you.
“Americans need to get back to work!”?!
Well, thank God someone said it. Hear that, you lazy sacks of trash who used to work but managed to get yourselves laid-off or fired?! The vacation is over—you know, the vacation in which you don’t go anywhere relaxing, but instead stay home and worry all the time?
“The problem with unemployment benefits is that they encourage people not to take jobs, and they take money from the productive sector and give it to the unproductive. As I’ve said again and again, if you subsidize something, you get more of it; subsidizing unemployment leads to more unemployment.”
Get back to work, you bunch of babies! Because these unemployment benefits are “encouraging people not to take jobs”! Do you hear me! The jobs are out there—despite all the evidence to the contrary, there are jobs—you people would just rather nap all day and suck on that sweet, sweet, below-the-poverty-line money.
It “take[s] money from the productive sector and give[s] it to the unproductive”?! Hold on, let me change that, cuz we’ve upheld all kinds of tax cuts for the wealthy and corporations—so, it takes money from nowhere and gives it to unproductive people.
Yeah, I know, it’s weird. You’d think the only way our economy would work would be by taxing people an appropriate amount, and then spending that money for the good of the whole society—but it turns out the mechanics are, we tax no one and somehow pay for two wars. Why weren’t we doing this all along?!
I’m just saying, “if you subsidize something, you get more of it.”
For instance, we have been subsidizing defense contractors for years, and we are always getting more defense stuff—like in the next few years, we’re getting thirty new $1.8 billion nuclear submarines, and next year we’re going to spend almost $10 billion on missile defense, if we can just sabotage the ratification of the next nuclear treaty with Monaco.
Oh, also, we subsidize oil, and we just keep getting more and more of that—case proven, am I right!?! God bless Ronald Reagan!
RACISM IS OVER!
(unless you are black, Hispanic, or otherwise dark-skinned)
“I wish President Obama would learn how to be an American.”
–John Sununu
Race baiting, it’s not just for breakfast anymore. Always great when a guy born in Cuba to Arab parents starts yelling about who is sufficiently American.
Barack Obama, black kid born to a single mom, who worked his way through college, doesn’t understand how America works. But you know who does? Mitt Romney! Yes, the guy who has never, ever bought groceries for himself and has a wife who teaches horses to dance.
Remember how Mitt Romney pulled himself up from the bootstraps hanging from his trust fund? Just when is Obama gonna open a Swiss bank account and marry a woman who teaches horses to DANCE?
“He has no idea how the American system functions. . . . He spent the early years in Hawaii smoking something. . . . and . . . he worked as a community organizer. . . . There has been no experience in his life in which he’s earned a private sector paycheck that meant anything.”
Yeah, if only Obama hadn’t wasted his time graduating from Harvard and teaching law, he might’ve learned something about how America functions. While Obama was busy smoking weed and daydreaming, George W. Bush was honing his entrepreneurial skills by snorting coke. And what’s community organizing anyway, besides helping black people to vote?
Hey Mr. Sununu, you know who else never earned a private sector paycheck? Dwight Eisenhower.
This thinly veiled racist tirade did not go unnoticed by the OxyContin king of the a.m. dial.
“The only thing he [Sununu] left out was that Obama has been mentored, educated, bent, and shaped by a bunch of communists.”
—Rush Limbaugh
I get it Rush, Obama was mentored, bent, and shaped by a bunch of communists—you know, at Harvard Law School, where Mitt Romney went.
I can see why they are freaking out; you just wait, since this America-hating socialist got re-elected, you won’t even recognize this country in a few years, what with its slightly fairer tax code and people seeing doctors when they get sick.
If I didn’t see the videos of them saying this stuff myself, I would think these were cartoons written to make them look like buffoons. But I did see the video, and they seem to be lacking the shame gene. Or the part of the brain that feels normal humiliation.
“I think it can be said WITHOUT EQUIVOCATION, without equivocation, this man hates this country.”
—Rush Limbaugh on President Obama
Let’s do a quick comparison: President Obama, who hates America, tried to get all Americans healthcare. Rush Limbaugh, who presumably loves this country, told poor children that they should learn to find food in dumpsters. See, Rush loves his country too, but it’s in more of a “tough love” kind of way.
I love the way he keeps saying “without equivocation!” as opposed to all that equivocation he normally does. Cuz, you know, Rush is always saying, “To be fair, here’s the other side of the argument.”
HEY, ASSHOLE!—MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
“The reason it’s so big [New York’s income gap] is at that higher end, we’ve been able to do something that none of these other cities can do. And that is attract a lot of the very wealthy.”
—Mayor Michael Bloomberg
The good mayor said this in response to a fresh report showing that New York City’s income gap and poverty rate has grown during his tenure. In fact, NYC’s income gap is wider than any of the other 30 major cities in the United States. Somehow, Bloomberg of the Shire is able to spin this in his head from a negative into a positive—you know, the way a sociopath might.
Yes, the reason the gap is so great is that all of the super wealthy want to live here, which is necessarily good . . . why? To be fair, the uber-wealthy are nice to look at, and they smell like fresh flowers. Sometimes they’ll toss your child a two-pence. Other than that, the income gap statistic shows, without question, the wrongness of Bloomberg’s central assumption in this very issue: That is, a rising tide carries all boats. If the influx of fresh billionaires does what the mayor is suggesting, then the income gap should be tightening, not widening.
Go talk to anyone who has lived in an area with a large wealth concentration. Guess what they’ll tell you. Everything costs more—a lot more. In fact, they won’t shut up about it, cuz seriously, I get it, the milk was like a million dollars; now can we just sit here and quietly do drugs?
And by the way, what about the “Job Creators” argument (or, as I like to call it, “Trickle-down Economics 2000”). As of the report to which Bloomberg was responding, not only was the income gap widening, not only was the poverty rate rising, but unemployment was also at 8.3%—still about 4% higher than before the recession.
You’d think these magical billionaires radiating their benevolence would be able to fix this, and a new age would dawn upon the land . . . but shockingly, no.
RACE BAITING 101: “HE’S NOT LIKE US!”
So the way it goes is, when a Republican politician is in front of a friendly crowd, he questions the president’s legitimacy and patriotism. A surefire winner for riling up the Republican base. It usually goes something like this:
“I don’t know if Barack Obama was born in the United States or not, but I do know this: in his heart, he’s not an American; he’s just not an American.”
—Rep. Mike Coffman of Colorado, overheard on secret recording made public
I say Rep. Coffman has a point, think about it: Obama, he’s smart, he’s well-educated, he’s rational . . . he’s not like any American I’ve ever met!
Obama’s just trying to fool us into believing he’s an American by being born in the United States.
After this statement was discovered (“discovered” because it was posted to YouTube, not by an enemy trying to expose him, but a supporter who thought “more people need to be saying this”), Coffman gets in trouble with regular people in his district and elsewhere.
There is a fascinating video of a reporter confronting Coffman and asking him a series of questions which Coffman gives the exact same answer to. Not the same general answer reworded few different ways; I’m talking the exact same words verbatim—like a Stepford Wife.
Here is how it went, and if you can just imagine the congressman with the blankest stare possible coupled with almost robotic chanting, you have this:
Rep. Coffman: I stand by my statement that I misspoke, and I apologize.
Reporter: Do you feel the voters are owed a better explanation than “I misspoke?
Rep. Coffman: I stand by my statement that I misspoke, and I apologize.
Reporter: Okay, and who are you apologizing to?
Rep. Coffman: I stand by my statement that I misspoke, and I apologize.
Reporter: . . . Who is telling you not to talk and to handle it like this?
Rep. Coffman: I stand by my statement that I misspoke and I apologize.
Reporter: Is there anything I can ask you that you will answer differently?
Rep. Coffman: I stand by my statement that I misspoke and I apologize.
Isn’t that just like the liberal media, to expect a conservative to explain why he said something stupid?
Obviously, Coffman is attempting to hypnotize the reporter into leaving him alone. “You will stop asking me that question. You will stop asking me that question. You will stop . . . ”
It sounds strange, but this is how Congressman Coffman keeps himself from saying the “N” word.
THE RIGHT WING ALMANAC WITH GARRISON KRISTOL
And here is the Right Wing Almanac for January 10th. It was this week in 1942 that President Franklin Roosevelt signed executive order 9066, which effectively imprisoned every ethnically Japanese person in the U.S. west of the Rockies. It was an action that would remain a horrible black mark on Roosevelt’s legacy—having given in to pressure from racists, reactionaries, and land grabbers in the West—even though the move was vehemently opposed by J. Edgar Hoover and even Eleanor Roosevelt herself. It is a day marked every year by Japanese Americans uttering under their breath, “You crippled adulterous asshole.”
Speaking of adultery, it was this week in 1999 that the impeachment trial of President William Jefferson Clinton began—Clinton having lied under oath about getting a BJ from an intern. The deposition he was giving at the time was part of an investigation into some land dealings and activities at the White House Travel Office—which strangely kept going further and further afield until they got something really juicy on Clinton. The scandal, although ultimately meaningless, served to freeze the White House legislative agenda for the remainder of Clinton’s term. A couple of years later, a sitting vice president would commit treason by outing a CIA operative—and pretty much nothing happened.
And it’s the birthday of the greatest whore in public media. Rush Hudson Limbaugh III was born January 12, 1951. Incidentally and ironically, three years later to the day was born Howard Allan Stern—who would give birth to the Shock-Jock genre of broadcasting—and blue-collar guys calling in to CNN to say Baba Booey. Limbaugh, a college drop-out, languished in broadcast obscurity for many years, until 1987, when the FCC repealed the Fairness Doctrine—which required broadcasters not to let some lunatic shoot off their mouth without an adult present to explain why everything he just said was wrong. One year after the repeal, Limbaugh had a national radio show out of WABC in New York. Just to the right of Roy Cohn, Limbaugh has been consistently documented lying on his daily three-hour radio show and said such things as Michael J. Fox is exaggerating his symptoms for sympathy, soldiers who are against the Iraq war are phony soldiers, and Donovan McNabb was only a celebrated quarterback because he is black. He’s also a massive hypocrite for, among other things, vilifying the victims of drug and alcohol addiction, while being addicted to OxyContin. Also, he’s fat and horrible.
HEY, ASSHOLE!—TODD AKIN
“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
—Congressman Todd Akin, not a medical doctor
“Legitimate rape” remark aside, Todd Akin is just a regular, everyday guy who wants to punish victims of rape and incest.
The Representative of Missouri got into big trouble when he said women who’d been legitimately raped don’t get pregnant. Akin was trying to make the larger point that we could outlaw abortion and everything would be fine, because even if they get raped, they can’t get pregnant cuz nature has a way to “shut that whole thing down.”
And that is true; I know it is because I went to the same medical school he did, the one right behind the 7-11.
Of course females can’t get pregnant from being raped, and that goes for all females, not just humans, all species of animals. Why, I remember when I was a kid, and I would watch The Price is Right with Bob Barker, he would end every show by saying:
“Make sure your pets don’t get impregnated, have them spayed, neutered, or raped.”*
–Bob Barker, The Price is Right
(I remember hearing the “women can’t get pregnant if they are raped” theory when I was younger. One time when I was in college, and my wife and I were getting ready to have some wild college-aged sex, and she said, “Jimmy, I don’t have any condoms.” “Damn, I don’t have any money to buy condoms,” I replied. “Well, guess you’re gonna have to rape me!” she exclaimed.)
Okay, that was fun, but let’s get back to Akin.
So he apologized, yet Republican leaders still pressured him to quit running for the Senate. I guess the feeling was, “You just can’t say those things about women and rape, no matter how many of us guys personally believe them.” Akin explained that he shouldn’t have said “legitimate” rape; he meant “forcible” rape as opposed to “consensual” rape, which only exists in Harlequin romance novels. So I’ve heard.
Unfortunately for the GOP ticket, Akin’s remarks only highlighted Paul Ryan’s extreme anti-abortion viewpoint, which logically follows his worship of Ayn Rand. After all, if you let a woman who’s been raped get an abortion, you are helping another person, which is wrong.
Overall, this seems to be part of a larger Republican strategy to keep women from voting for them. Even with all this, I still expected Todd Akin to win for two reasons: First, because a majority of voters in Missouri don’t know anybody who’s been raped. And second, because large numbers of people believe things that are not true . . . for example, that Ronald Reagan was our greatest president, that illegal immigrants are taking away jobs that everybody else wants, or that Dancing with the Stars actually features stars.
MESSAGE ON JIMMY’S VOICEMAIL: MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
Jimmy Dore, it’s Michael Bloomberg, the billionaire former mayor of New York, New York, the city so nice I bought the mayoral election twice, then paid to have the law changed so I could buy a third term. How filthy rich am I? Well, when I have sex, I ejaculate caviar. That’s how rich I am! Holy crap, am I rich!
But I still have a deep concern for minorities, especially an oppressed group that by their very name reveals what a tiny minority they are. I’m speaking of course of the top one percent, the people who earn all the income but get no respect. It seems like everyone is crying over the plight of the Occupy Wall Street rabble, but nobody cares about the men who have been occupying Wall Street for over a century. Do they make a big scene and beg the world for attention? No, they are refined gentlemen who quietly and unobtrusively collect all the wealth and keep it for themselves, without causing a noisy ruckus by stimulating the economy and creating the kind of annoying traffic congestion that happens when the middle class have jobs to go to every day. No, they give those jobs to workers in foreign countries who are happy to get five cents an hour and reside in authoritarian states that would club them to death like baby seals if they so much as raised a peep about income inequality.
That’s the kind of thing we need more of here in New York City, Jimmy. This city is a melting pot of many different nationalities, so when I order my police force to crack down on Occupy Wall Street protesters, I’m just paying tribute to the totalitarian regimes that many foreign-born New Yorkers come from. It’s just my way of giving them a little piece of home. I can’t help it; I’m a sentimentalist. Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it? Especially when the air is filled with tear gas.
Jimmy, you probably think the top one percent doesn’t suffer any deprivations, but they most certainly do. For one thing, they are denied access to foreclosure relief because they can afford to pay their mortgages. And they are completely discriminated against by collection agencies, which never give them so much as a single phone call. In fact, the only time the one percent even get called on the phone is when someone wants to invite them to a weekend in the Hamptons. And Jimmy, I doubt if you know this, but on private Gulf Stream jets, you are now allowed to carry on only two trophy wives, one of which has to be stored underneath the seat in front of you.
So yes, Jimmy Dore, I may be a billionaire, but I still have compassion for an oppressed minority—other billionaires. If I don’t look out for them, who will—besides every single person who works in government and law enforcement. Protecting the powerful from the powerless is a big job, so who knows, I may have to buy myself a fourth term as mayor. Frisk you later, Jimmy!
NEWT GINGRICH, CIVIL RIGHTS CHAMPION
“I think race has an enormous impact on decision after decision. You almost have to be blind to America to not realize that we still have very, very deep elements that go all the way back to slavery and segregation. That go all the way back to fundamental differences in neighborhoods and in cultures.
“I think it would be very healthy for the country and the Congress to reevaluate both the criminal justice part up through court, but also to reevaluate the whole way we’ve dealt with prison and the way in which we’ve basically created graduate schools for criminality and locking people up in ways that are increasing their inability to function in society.”
—Newt Gingrich, race baiter and horrible person, throwing the dogs off the scent
WTF? This is one of the biggest race baiters alive . . . so this must be a stunt.
First of all, Newt Gingrich needs to never smile again, cuz it is the creepiest dough-boy Barney Rubble shit ever—second only to the moments when he talks sense and has an accurate perspective on an issue.
Clearly, because he is using his intellect to talk sense, it means Gingrich has given up on running for president again.
As with all Gingrich speaking moments, I listened to this just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept thinking—sure he’s making sense, but that’s just so the sting will be all the worse when the turn comes. But remember, this is Gingrich, baby; sometimes he slow-plays the crazy. It’s entirely possible he’ll just appear on Anderson Cooper’s show next week—just his disembodied giant head appearing out of nowhere—and he’ll start talking about moon colonies or how the media is behind school shootings.
So this tells me that Newt Gingrich, who for a year and a half publicly referred to the first black president as the “Food Stamp President,” actually knows better.
He knew what a horrible thing he was doing when he continually said poor and minority kids lacked a work ethic.
He knew better, and did it anyway.
Imagine that? The race baiter who was asked by Juan Williams if he understood that he was being horribly insulting to blacks, answered “No,” he didn’t think so, actually did think so and KNEW SO.
It means that Newt Gingrich is craven, empty, mean, and despicable. He clearly knows what he does to try and win elections is denigrating, soulless, and racist . . . and he does it anyway.
It’s something I always suspected but could not confirm 100% until he revealed himself. Which is why Anderson Cooper responded to him after his speech with: “Wow, who are you!?”
I’m pretty sure after Cooper expressed his surprise, Gingrich said, “Hell yeah man—I’m fucking Gingrich. I’m America’s wild card. One minute I’m shamelessly race baiting, next I’m making sense—that’s just the crazy party you get when you book the Gingrich. Now if you’d excuse me, I’m gonna go be nice to my wife—BAM!”
UNCIVIL
We’ve grown accustomed to losing liberty and freedom. Let’s face it; we’ve been living in a semi police state since the advent of the “War on Drugs.”
If you’re not familiar with this particular war, it’s that counterproductive social policy that everybody agrees is a failure, costs $42 billion annually, and is the most destructive thing to our society since polio. It might even be worse than reality TV.
But the people who run the country don’t care. Because along with organized crime, local police departments, and the for-profit prison industry, politicians make their living off the war on drugs. Demagoging drug addiction and calling for tougher prison sentences for dealers and users has been the American politicians’ bread and butter for decades. It’s almost a requirement for elected office, even before the CIA was dumping cocaine in Los Angeles neighborhoods to fund illegal wars in South America.
The point I want to highlight is the drug war was the real start of the end of civil liberties in America. Because who has time to care about civil liberties when there are crackheads in the street and Al Qaeda flies business class? And who has time to worry about this stuff when there’s free porn on the Internet?
I do. I grew up in the ‘80s when fearmongering politicians convinced us that crack was coming, and it was gonna get us. We didn’t really know what it was, but we knew that if we touched it or even looked at it, we would become baby-killing addicts.
The only defense against crack was drug tests for everyone, locking up inner city blacks, and allowing cops to drive tanks on city streets and dress up like combat soldiers. Because how else are you gonna stop a guy from selling pot to his friends unless you invade his home with M-16s at 4am?
We slowly got used to the idea that the government can just take your property and possessions if you were an “exotic gardener.” The Constitution applied to everyone except druggies and dealers, (the only dealers I know who should be in prison are the kind who sell used cars).
The fact we allow drug testing is amazing to me. Amazing because they are an incredible invasion of our privacy, and everyone has to take one just to get employed in America. We lose a little more of our privacy and liberty for the sake of pretend safety.
And for those who say that taking a drug test isn’t invasive, think of this: would you allow a company to search your closets and drawers in your home looking for drugs as a condition of your employment? Of course not, that would be outrageous. But why are we okay with them going through your penis, vagina, and kidneys looking for drugs? Maybe I’m weird, but the inside of my penis seems a little more personal to me than my sock drawer.
I discovered the perfect solution to end all drug tests. I was recently a guest on a morning radio show, and the station had just been bought by Clear Channel Communications, Inc. I asked the DJ what the biggest difference was working for the old station and now the corporate behemoth Clear Channel.
He said the biggest thing was that they instituted a drug testing policy. I couldn’t believe they would drug test employees at a rock & roll radio station! The only occupation intended for freaks, outcasts, and druggies was being intruded on by corporate suits.
I asked the DJ what the result of the new drug testing policy was and I will never forget his answer. He looked up at me with the biggest grin and said, “Everybody failed.”
“Everybody failed?” I asked.
“Everybody,” he nodded.
“Well, what did they do?” I asked.
“Well they decided . . . that they can’t drug test us anymore!”
There’s the answer staring us right in the face. All we have to do is make sure everyone takes one toke of weed a month, and we could be rid of this drug testing before next Christmas. They can’t fire us all, motherfuckers!!
The point is that the drug war made us okay with giving up some of our rights and really whet the appetites for heavy-handed police tactics.
I won’t bore you with the civil liberties lost in the war on terror, but I will tell you about some of them that I have jokes for. First up is an actual quote from President Obama:
“And we want to send the message all around the world to anybody who would do us harm: no act of terror will dim the light of the values that we proudly shine on the rest of the world.”
I know that sounds like a hilarious joke that he told at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but it’s not. He was really pretending to believe that stuff.
First of all, it’s not true. We changed instantly on 9/11. Not too much . . . just enough to order war crimes, torture, and indefinite detention without trial. Is that a lot?
An act of terror has not only dimmed the light of our values we shine across the world, but it also turned that light of values into a cattle prod and a waterboard. An act of terror turned us into war criminals who start illegal wars, invade countries, torture and murder people, commit war crimes, and steal their resources. We’re bullies, which really means we’re pussies, and it’s why we look the other way with torture and get felt up at the airport.
We got rid of habeas corpus because of 9/11. Stop and think about that for a moment, and then come back and I will explain what habeas corpus means. I looked it up, and it means the government can’t just lock you up without charging you with a crime and giving you a trial. This used to happen all the time, which is why somebody had to come up with the famous writ of habeas corpus that says the government can’t do that shit.
The writ of habeas corpus is the linchpin of a free society, but whatever. We got rid of that when President Obama signed the NDAA act, which repealed the writ of habeas corpus and gave the government the power to detain anyone for however long they want without trial. Kind of the opposite of everything our county is supposed to stand for.
By the way, the writ of habeas corpus is in the Magna Carta. So yeah, we repealed the FUCKING MAGNA CARTA, and we’re now operating with a view of liberty from the 1100s, which is too retro for me.
And it’s also why, in order to fly on a plane, I have to have my balls patted down and be given an X-ray, which I am sure is perfectly safe. I mean, can there be anything safer than a full-body, government-administered X-ray performed by an airport worker?
I hope there is never another terror attack here in the States, because if that happens, all bets are off. The weaker amongst us will be begging to give up their liberty. I’m pretty sure we are all gonna get tracking bracelets and things will get all Logan’s Run up in here.
We’ve become so used to giving up our rights whenever people in power scare the shit out of us that we think harassing citizens based on their skin color is not only okay, but also is a good idea. This is an idea that has spread across the country to police departments from San Diego to New York.
“The nation’s largest police department illegally and systematically singled out large numbers of blacks and Hispanics under its controversial stop-and-frisk policy . . .”
—Associated Press
“There is just no question that stop, question, frisk has saved countless lives, and most of those lives saved have been black and Hispanic young men.”
—Mayor Bloomberg, former mayor of New York and possibly future presidential candidate
No question it saved their lives? Did it save their lives in the same way slavery helped them save money?
Here is the background info on the NYPD’s “Stop and Frisk” Policy.
NY Police stopped and frisked 685,724 people in 2011.
50% of the people who live in NY are black and Latino.
87% of the people stopped and frisked were black or Latino.
90% were innocent of any crime.
That’s right, 9 out of 10 of the people stopped and frisked were black or Latino and innocent of any crime.
The NYPD has stopped and frisked 5 million black men; that is more black men than live in New York.
Now, I’m not a math surgeon but . . . isn’t that high? I mean, the KKK doesn’t put up numbers like that.
So a federal judge took a look, and here’s what she found:
“The city’s highest officials have turned a blind eye to the evidence that officers are conducting stops in a racially discriminatory manner. . . . The city and its highest officials believe that blacks and Hispanics should be stopped at the same rate as their proportion of the local criminal suspect population. But this reasoning is flawed because the stopped population is overwhelmingly innocent—not criminal.”
—U.S. District Judge Shira Scheindlin
At a news conference, Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly blasted the ruling, saying the judge ignored historic crime lows and displayed a “disturbing disregard” for the “good intentions” of police officers who do not racially profile.
Oh yeah, the judge ignored historic crime lows almost as badly as the NYPD has ignored the Constitution and the societal effects of racial profiling.
Plus, think about it, the policy was absolutely not racist if you were white.
Bloomberg didn’t see how Stop and Frisk broke the law, but he also didn’t see how it was breaking the law that he got a third term.
Seriously, it took a judge to figure this out?
The policy might’ve worked better if the cops had stopped and frisked Wall Street mortgage investment bankers trying to steal people’s homes.
The mayor and police tried to argue that it’s not a quality of life issue, because everybody in New York who’s not rich and white already expects it to suck.
It would be nice if the police chief had to face some tough questions about this from one of our nation’s top journalists. But unfortunately, Ray Kelly went on Meet the Press instead.
“So they know these guys carry pot and other drugs, and they stop them and frisk and they find them and they send them into the system. That’s what drives crime down; get them off the street. The Left hates that, hates it, because it is racial profiling, but it’s really criminal profiling. However, there are a number of people who get stopped and frisked who don’t have anything, and they get angry, and I understand that.
“But it’s a crime-fighting technique that they’re now going to take away from the NYPD. And mark my words, street crime will go up because of it.”
—Bill O’Reilly, arguing that, if it reduces crime, racism can be a good thing, too.
Hey Bill, there’s a pretty low crime rate in China, too. It’s surprisingly easy to keep the crime rate low if you don’t care about people’s basic civil rights or whether they’re guilty of a crime.
Sure the cops know who the wise guys and the drug dealers and the muggers are: They’re black and Latino and they live in New York City. Bill admits the policy is racist, but he’s okay with it because “it works,” and because the cops know who the bad guys are.
So the cops KNOW who the bad guys are, and that’s why 9 out of 10 people they stop are completely innocent. And black or Latino.
“However, there are a number of people who get stopped and frisked who don’t have anything, and they get angry, and I understand that.”
Sure, innocent blacks and Hispanics get angry when they’re stopped and frisked, but they need to realize . . . we’re afraid of all of them.
“But it’s a crime-fighting technique that they’re now going to take away from the NYPD. And mark my words, street crime will go up because of it.”
It’s a valuable crime-fighting technique, at least until the police can finally start rounding people up. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next thing O’Reilly suggests is a re-education camp in Minnesota.
Seriously NYPD, it’s bad enough you get to stop and frisk people without probable cause—but couldn’t you violate the fourth amendment without racial profiling?
By the way, Bill, it really doesn’t matter that liberals don’t like this policy. What actually matters is that citizens of this country are being made to feel like victims of their own society. When it comes to things like this, I am gonna be the first one to say, it doesn’t matter what me and my dope-smoking homosexual friends think. Maybe you should ask the poor minorities who get disproportionately singled out for a pat down what they think of this law.
The good news is, these kinds of policies are on their way out in America. The people of New York called for a halt to the Stop and Frisk era of Bloomberg by electing Bill de Blasio. And state by state, marijuana is slowly being legalized, thus depriving police of another excuse to grab ass. The public is coming to the realization that those who have advocated against our basic liberties are truly the “un-American” ones.
“I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”
—Republican Senate nominee Richard Mourdock
Women wouldn’t even be an issue if we all gestated our young in fleshy pods the way Scientologists do. However, for the most part, humans are made inside women. It’s super gross. Also a miracle, or whatever.
In terms of men’s reproductive health, things are fairly simple and straightforward: we’re 100% fine ‘til about fifty. Then our prostates explode, and then maybe we die, and the great circle of life continues.
On the other hand, women’s health as it directly pertains to their reproductive system is super complicated from the get-go. If a woman gets pregnant, then the list of potential problems goes up a ton. In fact, pregnancy in itself is considered a health condition the same way a chronic illness might be.
Now, before I get deeper into this issue, let me say this: There are people in this country who believe that when sperm meets egg, God sends the baby Jesus to magically put a soul in a woman’s uterus. If you believe this, you have no business reading this book, and possibly, you have no business reading at all.
Is there an actual war on women? Well, yes and no. No, it is unlikely that right-wing politicos are sitting around a giant map of women trying to figure out how to really screw them. (Note to self—idea for a painting: men standing around a map of a woman.) Rather, the Right comes from a place of utter ignorance, old prejudices, and pre-enlightenment thinking when it comes to policies around women’s health. As a matter of political tactics, women’s issues are attacked to appease a base (by the way, I suggest you do what I do when imagining the Republican base: Picture a sea of peasants holding torches and pitchforks screaming they must burn the witch). The effect is the same, though: Women’s medical rights are attacked as a matter of policy. They are attacked in an organized and systematic way, which could easily be called a war.
The most recent “war on women” became obvious during the debates over the Affordable Care Act. Ya know, Obamacare? The totally socialist program that gives all the money to private health insurance companies? Anywho, you can’t talk about health in this country without bringing “lady stuff” into the conversation. So, Right Wing assholes started making noise that they didn’t want their tax dollars to pay for women’s contraception or abortions. Which, you know, it wouldn’t have under this law. Also, which actually happens already when the federal or state government employs a woman—or a dude married to a woman. And even if Obamacare did pay for those things, citizens deciding where tax dollars are spent is probably not a debate we should be having. I, for example, wouldn’t want any of my taxes spent on defense. Rather, I’d want to fund really crazy shit, like tiny monkeys riding dogs.
IGNORANCE
The War on Women starts, as so many right-wing efforts do, from ignorance. The perfect example might be Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, (I know we already covered this before but it’s too good not to revisit) who, while running for the Senate in 2012, was asked about his views on abortion in the case of rape:
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down.”
Yes. Also, you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up in a pool.
Let’s start with this: Who are the “doctors” this guy is talking about? Medical doctors? For all of our safety, the AMA should have launched a witch hunt to find these doctors and exterminate them.
Next—legitimate rape. What?! You know, as opposed to pretend rape, where the woman actually wants to get pregnant and have all the rape-attention. To be fair, what the congressman is talking about is the legal difference between rape and statutory rape . . . because people might have been confused that he meant that.
Finally, in case you didn’t know, the female body does not have a way of preventing pregnancy. You can tell this because babies are born. See?
This is a UNITED STATES FUCKING CONGRESSMAN! If he’s this ignorant, what does that say about the people of Missouri who elected him? It says this: Sex education in the U.S. is terrible. Kids and adults alike are being given half-truths and full lies about a fairly basic biological phenomena. The gaps in the information are being filled by superstition and rumors. Which brings us to our next huge culprit . . .
PRE-ENLIGHTENMENT THINKING
If you teach kids about sex, it encourages them to have it. Man, that is so true. It’s not like all mammals want to have sex from the moment they mature. It’s not like it is the most basic and powerful biological drive just behind eating, breathing, and shitting. And it’s not like teenagers, ignorant of their bodies, get pregnant all the fucking time.
At least a third of sex education in the U.S. is abstinence-only; that is where there is any sex education at all. This approach, at best, omits any reference to contraception and/or disease prevention. At worst, well . . . they just fucking lie.
No kidding, they lie about things like how effective contraception is, HIV transmission rates, the dangers of abortion, and if the bee calls the bird afterwards. This approach to sex education is condemned by The American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the National Association of School Psychologists, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Public Health Association, the Society for Adolescent Medicine, and the American College Health Association. Oh, and did I mention that the federal government gives lots of grants to fund this type of sex education?
Yes, nothing prevents abortion like not using birth control.
Look, if we’re gonna teach kids this way, I say we go all the way and tell them things like, “You can cure warts by rubbing a potato on them in the light of a full moon.”
PREJUDICE
So, for a minute or two in 2012, former Senator Rick Santorum was considered a serious candidate for the presidency . . . of the United States . . . for real. Rick Santorum is an ultra-conservative Catholic who would outlaw the female orgasm if given the chance. Santorum’s Super-Pac was heavily funded by billionaire businessman Foster Friess. When asked about Santorum’s positions, Mr. Friess dropped this little gem:
“You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.”
Now, as a professional comedian, I gotta say: Know your room. That one might have been your closer at the Secret Evil White Guy Club, but it’s not gonna play in other venues. Workshop it a little, man.
There are still lots of these old white misogynists running the debate in this country. They think women are obligated to keep their virginity ‘til marriage, or they are sluts if they don’t. Let me give you another example: In 2012, the House of Representatives held hearings on contraceptives in healthcare—hearings overseen entirely by male congressmen that included deposing people like priests . . . and other priests. So, a Georgetown University law student, Sandra Fluke, was asked to testify . . . then told not to testify by the Republican-controlled committee. Eventually, Ms. Fluke got to speak at the Democratic Steering Committee. She gave a compelling and truthful argument why even religious institutions like Georgetown University should provide contraception benefits. Then, in response to this, Rush Limbaugh (an old friend of mine), said this:
“[Fluke] essentially says that she must be paid to have sex—what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex.”
This from the guy who used his prescription benefits to buy OxyContin.
We should also mention that most health insurance covers Viagra.
The War on Women comes from the dark corners of stupidity, and it is waged by perpetuating the dark corners. Remember, all of the statements quoted herein are from the last few years—all made in the furtherance of the Right’s agenda. I’ll let crazy lady Michele Bachmann have the floor on this one:
“I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.”
–Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), on the HPV vaccine, Fox News interview, Sept. 12, 2011
Granted, that’s an extreme example—but it’s just so awesome. To this day, no one really knows what UNITED STATES CONGRESSWOMAN Bachmann was talking about. The HPV vaccine doesn’t even make you bored. And the lady who told her about the HPV-retarded daughter has never been found. Maybe she was a ghost.
The HPV vaccine helps prevent cervical cancer, for God’s sake. How can you be against that? Well, if you’re Michele Bachmann—or any right-wing nut job—you think an HPV vaccine encourages young women to fornicate with wart-laden men. How do you stop this? By telling a giant lie about the HPV vaccine. Don’t want women to have abortions because it makes Jesus cry? Tell total lies about the dangers of abortion or the consciousness of a fetus. I just think you could come up with better lies. For example, did you know that sometimes an abortion goes horribly awry and makes more babies?
So far, we’ve been talking about contraception and abortion—things which give a woman and her doctor some control over reproductive health and related issues. It’s serious stuff. In addition to women’s health, their financial, social, and psychological well-being are at stake. Unwanted pregnancies have serious consequences for society as a whole. These matters alone would be sufficient stuff for a war on women. However, let me give you one more example—actual war:
The United States used to do business with military contractors that barred female employees from suing for on-the-job rape cases. No kidding. Minnesota Senator Al Franken introduced a law that would stop this practice. And you’d assume a law like that would be a no-brainer, right? Wrong. Although the Senate passed the bill, thirty senators voted against it—voted against a bill that says, “Hey, you got raped; maybe you should have the right to sue someone or something . . . ”
Since the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq began, the problem of rape in the military has grown horrifically. A woman in the military is much more likely to be raped by a fellow serviceman than killed in combat. It took until this year for Congress to pass any laws on the matter—and it’s a pretty fucking weak law. And they roundly rejected allowing a rape victim to go outside their chain of command in order to seek justice.
In 2013, 22 senators and 138 congressmen voted against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act. Pro-life groups have openly conspired with the American Legal Exchange Council (ALEC) to pass abortion restriction laws in every state. In 2011 alone, 92 state laws were passed which restricted women’s access to reproductive services.
SECRET POLLS AND OTHER RIGHT WING ALTERNATIVE REALITIES
“Today we will talk about the real poll numbers; the media is circulating this myth that Romney is in serious trouble. Well on Friday, I looked at the real poll numbers by an organization I can’t name, but I trust it.”
—Dick Morris
Have you ever heard of a “Secret Poll?” That’s both the craziest and most ominous thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like his source is a heroine dealer who does illegal polling on the side.
FYI: When someone says, “Trust what I’m saying because I have a secret source,” it never works out well. That ends in the bombing of Cambodia, the invasion of Iraq, and me thinking my girlfriend won’t get pregnant cuz we did it in a jacuzzi.
HOLY FREAK OUT, BATMAN
“Do you know the name of the villain in this [new Batman] movie? BANE. . . . What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran . . .? BAIN! . . . Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious . . . villain in this movie is named ‘BANE’?”
—Rush Limbaugh
If Rush Limbaugh wasn’t a thing, and you did a sketch where you repeated things he says verbatim, you would be considered a comic genius.
And most people do instinctively think Limbaugh is funny—until the moment they realize there are millions of registered voters who totally believe this stuff. I mean, it’s still funny, just not in a ha-ha kind of way, more in a Russian tragedy sort of way.
It must be so liberating not having to edit your thoughts based on logic or any sort of moral compass. It’s like dream poetry or something. OxyContin must really open up your consciousness.
If you watch Rush Limbaugh broadcasting, he says this stuff while referring to notes on his desk. That means he had to write down a flow chart or something to remember this strained logic based on an ad hominem. In my day, when someone went on an insane rant, they didn’t bring notes; they took the time to rehearse. It’s called craftsmanship, you fat fuck.
TEA BAGGING RELIEF
“If when a family is struck with tragedy—like the family of Joplin . . . let’s say they had $10,000 set a aside to do something else with, to buy a new car, and then they were struck with a sick member of the family or something, and needed to take that money and apply it to that, that’s what they would do, because families don’t have unlimited money. And, really, neither does the federal government.”
—Eric Cantor, explaining why he won’t fund relief for people wiped out by a tornado in Joplin, Missouri
You know how everyone in Congress is in the pocket of the health insurance and pharmaceutical industries? And that’s why you get screwed and go bankrupt when someone in your family gets sick? Well now . . . we’re doing that with tornados, too. You can have your tornado relief if you want it . . . but, you’re going to have the ride the bus from now on, and no healthcare when you retire. That’s what America is about—choice! (i.e., funneling money upward).
In Eric Cantor’s world, the problem with those people in Joplin is that they were just going along not saving their money and were totally unprepared to be wiped out by a tornado. Why should the rest of us suffer? We’ve got to stop wasting federal money on people whose lives were destroyed by tornados and who now have no homes. If we’re going to spend money, let’s spend it on people who already have somewhere to live.
While it seems like a blunder, this is a brilliant political strategy designed to shore up the heartless-prick vote, whose ideology seems to be:
“I’m a Republican, and we believe in personal responsibility, not government handouts. So when I say that ‘our hearts go out to the victims of Sandy,’ we mean that’s all that goes out to them, got it? Not aid or government resources, just stuff that doesn’t cost money.”
BENGHAZI, DONE THAT
In the realm of presidential scandals manufactured by the right wing, the “Obama didn’t call the Benghazi ‘act of terror’ an ‘act of terror’” was one of the weakest. Maybe it was because there was actual video tape of Obama making an official statement from the White House calling it an “act of terror”? Hard to tell.
So this is where the right-wing alternative reality bubble can get you into trouble. They repeated the “Obama didn’t call the Benghazi attack a ‘terrorist attack’” line so often and with such confidence that they started to believe it themselves, including their presidential nominee.
That’s not the real problem though; the real trouble comes when the nominee repeats this completely manufactured fact in front of a newsperson who accidentally does their job and debunks a falsehood presented on national television.
Mitt Romney: “It took the president 14 days to call the Benghazi attack an ‘act of terror.’”
Candy Crowley: “He did, in fact sir, call it an act of terror.”
(crowd applause)
It was a huge tactical mistake by Romney, brought on by spending too much time in the Right-Wing Alternate Reality Bubble, where actual facts are optional.
Here is how that moment was interpreted by Rush Limbaugh:
“In a real world, she would’ve committed career suicide last night; she committed an act of journalistic terror or malpractice last night; if there were any journalistic standards, what she did last night would’ve been the equivalent of blowing up her career like a suicide bomber, but there aren’t any journalistic standards anymore.”
—Rush Limbaugh, champion of journalism
Hey Rush, if there were any journalistic standards, you would’ve been waterboarded years ago. If there were any journalistic standards, we wouldn’t have spent a trillion dollars in Iraq and still be in the longest war in our nation’s history. If there were any journalistic standards, we would’ve been warned about the impending banking meltdown. If there were any journalistic standards, the whole fucking country might turn upside-down.
Now a lot of people would say that fact-checking politicians in real time is exactly what has been missing from our political discourse, and they would praise Candy Crowley. But then there are those who are allergic to facts and accurate information, like our friend Tucker Carlson, who, by the way, has dropped the bow tie and changed his image from “that douche in a bow tie” to “that douche in a regular tie.”
“She threw the president a lifeline . . . they should just eliminate moderators overall.”
—Tucker Carlson, loser
Yeah, if we could only get rid of the moderators and refs and journalists and reporters, and nobody would ever fact check anything; then we could get some shit done.
That is the right wing wet dream: a world without fact checkers or investigative reporters that actually investigate. Tucker Carlson accusing other people of being attention seekers from the headquarters of Fox News is like . . . you write the joke, America, this is a gimme.
Here, just think of someone condemning something they themselves are doing at that very moment. Make it something really ridiculous—usually sexual. OK, now using a confident and funny voice in your head, compare Tucker Carlson to that. Now enjoy that joke you just made for the rest of the day.
The lifeline thrown was for Romney, who was attempting to shame the president of the United States—and before he could keep digging that hole, she corrected him. That is a favor, man. She just did for him what my wife has to do for me at cocktail parties all the time. It’s a thankless, depressing, co-dependent job. Candy Crowley doesn’t deserve Fox’s derision; she deserves a twelve-step program.
And here is why they want to get rid of fact checkers: The next day, after Candy Crowley poked a hole in the Right Wing Bubble, John Sununu, our favorite “nerd-bully,” went on Soledad O’Brien’s show on CNN and tried to peddle the debunked claim again, except this time yelling it at the top of his lungs.
Sununu: All the apologists for this White House . . . have been lying about the president trying to deceive America, that that tragedy was the result of a video rather than acknowledge right from the beginning that this was a well-planned, well-executed terrorist attack.
O’Brien: You realize what he said during the debate was, “The day after the attack here was the statement from the Rose Garden and said ‘no acts of terror will ever shake the resolve’. . .”
Then she gets cut off reading from the transcript by Sununu.
Sununu: He got caught lying . . . if you are going to dwell on this YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!
A classic nerd-bully technique: When lying doesn’t work—start lying louder.
Of course, to lay it on thick and with less brain cells, we have Fox and Friends. You know how Fox and Friends is supposed to feel like it’s just three normal people getting together to chat about current events over coffee? I’ve watched quite a bit of this show, and I gotta say, most restaurant scenes from Sex and the City feel closer to a real political discussion.
“The problem was Candy Crowley as the moderator . . . it was like she was the ref, she threw a flag; you’re not supposed to do that. The time for fact checking is after an event, not during it.”
—Steve Ducey
Yup, the time for fact checking is after the event. That’s how the New York Times does it. They just publish whatever they think, then correct it in retractions later. It’s called journalism, asshole.
Honestly, it’s like Limbaugh for Dummies, except the dummies are the hosts. So it’s more like Dummies for Dummies.
And then after Candy Crowley pointed out that President Obama did call Benghazi an “act of terror,” Megyn Blonde Lady at Fox News says this: (Please sit down for this one and make sure you’re not drinking liquid that could fly out your nose.)
“Declaring something an ‘act of terror’ is not necessarily the same thing as declaring it a ‘terrorist attack.’”
—Megyn Blonde Lady, Fox News
When you call terrorism an “act of terror,” the terrorists win.
PHONE CALL WITH GEORGE W. BUSH
JIMMY: We’ll be celebrating another anniversary of September 11th soon, and I’m fortunate to be on the phone with the man who protected us immediately following that attack . . . former President George W. Bush. Mr. President, thank you for being on the show.
BUSH: Jimmy, it’s nice to be on the phone with you. I listen to it all the time.
JIMMY: You listen to my show?
BUSH: No, I listen to my phone. (chuckles) That was a joke, JD.
JIMMY: Mr. President, I wanted to ask you about Syria.
BUSH: Ask me anything. I know all about Syria.
JIMMY: I’m sure you do, Mr. President.
BUSH: It’s the one that’s not Libya. (chuckles) Jimmy, I’m just pretending I’m too dumb to know the difference between Libya and . . . the other one. I actually do know the difference.
JIMMY: I’m sure you do, Mr. President. You had that whole Situation Room with all the maps in it. Do you think Presi-dent Obama has botched Syria?
BUSH: I think “botched” is a strong word.
JIMMY: I don’t think it is, Mr. President.
BUSH: Okay, maybe it’s not. To each his own. See how you’re not roping me in? I’m doing pretty good so far.
JIMMY: Do you think Obama fumbled his Syria policy and was only bailed out because John Kerry ad-libbed that remark about Syria giving up its chemical weapons?
BUSH: I can’t comment on John Kerry because I don’t know the man.
JIMMY: You ran against Kerry for re-election in 2004.
BUSH: Was that him? I think he’s had some work done. Is it just me?
JIMMY: Mr. President, it’s difficult to talk with you when you refuse to even parrot conservative talking points. Let me help you out . . . you’re a Republican, Obama’s a Democrat, doesn’t that mean he’s weak and wishy-washy in dealing with our enemies?
BUSH: I see what you’re trying to do, Jimmy. You’re reading my mind and saying it out loud on the radio. Or is this the Twitter?
JIMMY: Mr. President, do you think Obama painted himself into a corner over this whole question of Assad allegedly using chemical weapons?
BUSH: I was president, Jimmy; I know what that’s like, when you’re in a corner and you’re painting yourself . . . recently I painted myself taking a shower.
JIMMY: Do you think the United States should bomb Syria?
BUSH: Jimmy, I’m a private citizen now . . . with a huge pension I don’t need, and Secret Service protection for the rest of my life, which I may still need. No matter what you try to do as president, it comes out extremely terrible. That wasn’t just me.
JIMMY: Doesn’t it seem to you that Obama trapped himself into announcing an attack on Syria, then asked for Congress’ permission just to buy some time?
BUSH: I can’t really say, Jimmy but yeah, that was pretty damn stupid.
JIMMY: Okay! Finally!
BUSH: I don’t know what he was thinking there, Jimmy. The president has the right to start a limited war under certain constitutional guidelines.
JIMMY: And what constitutional guidelines are those, Mr. President?
BUSH: Whatever constitutional guidelines he needs to start a war. I mean every war is different. My wars were different from this war. It’s like apples and . . . war.
JIMMY: Do you think we’ll have a massive conflagration in the Middle East if we attack Syria?
BUSH: Sometimes you have to go to war, Jimmy. I didn’t want to invade Iraq, but I had no choice.
JIMMY: Can’t you just admit that Iraq was a gigantic, tragic mistake?
BUSH: We won’t know for sure, Jimmy, until you’re dead.
JIMMY: Until I’m dead?
BUSH: You, me . . . Kirk Douglas, Mickey Rooney. Then once we’re dead, we still won’t know. Which is why I’ve been painting.
JIMMY: Mr. President, as a liberal, I have to say I’m disappointed in Obama.
BUSH: I can understand that, Jimmy. You had such high hopes for him. He sure didn’t live up to that poster.
JIMMY: No, he didn’t. Obama’s done every illegal thing you did, and in some ways he’s been even worse.
BUSH: I see the glass as half full, Jimmy. He’s like my fourth term, if I were a little more articulate and much more black.
JIMMY: Mr. President, what the hell’s wrong with our government when each and every president, Democrat and Republican, gets roped into these unwinnable wars and endless catastrophes? When are we as a nation going to be honest that everything we do is about oil and making deals with the worst dictators on earth? Where is this leading us, Mr. President? How do we survive as a civilization?
BUSH: You know, Obama’s right about one thing, Jimmy . . . you’re a hothead.
JIMMY: Thank you for speaking with us, Mr. President.
BUSH: I enjoyed it, JD.
JIMMY: Did you really?
BUSH: (chuckles) No.
HEY, ASSHOLE!–MARK LEVIN
“I want to make a statement to the Republican Party, to the president, and to the media. Conservatives, we do not accept bi-partisanship in the pursuit of tyranny, period.
“We will not negotiate the terms of economic and political servitude, period. We will not abandon our children to a dark and bleak future. We will not accept a fate that is alien to the legacy we inherited from every single future generation in this country. We will not accept social engineering by politicians and bureaucrats who treat us like lab rats rather than self-sufficient, independent human beings.
“There are those in this country who choose tyranny over liberty; they do not speak for us. Fifty-seven million of dictate to us under our constitution. We are the alternative; we will resist. We are not going to surrender to this. We will not be passive; we will not be compliant in our own demise. We’re not good losers; you better believe we’re sore losers. A good loser is a loser forever!”
—Mark Levin, talk show host, the day after the 2012 presidential election, not handling it well
If you’ve never before heard the definition of a histrionic personality disorder . . . well, you have now.
This seems like a good statement to roll out the next time Republicans start talking about who’s a patriot.
I’d like to note, this guy has a nationally syndicated radio show. When I was a kid, before the death of the Fairness Doctrine, this dope would’ve had a pirate radio show out of his mom’s garage that reached maybe three blocks. And though I am a huge free speech advocate, I’d like to note that the FCC has no opinion about the inflammatory rhetoric of this lunatic, but they are still obsessed with Janet Jackson’s tit.
I like the fact that the premise of his whole rant is that he and all conservatives are somehow oppressed victims . . . you know, like black people in the Jim Crow South. Try to imagine what this guy is like when the gas company guy comes to read the meter: “Why don’t you just put shackles on me now, big powerful gas man!”
One thing that sticks out is that he calls himself a “self-sufficient, independent human being.” I’ll grant you, paternalism is a topic worthy of discussion; however, this guy just sounds like a child declaring he’s a “big boy.” A grown man in the middle of a tantrum doesn’t exactly sound mature, so much as someone who might want to give himself over to the care of the state (in the form of a local mental hospital).
This guy is like the Black Panther leader of people who don’t want to pay a one-cent tax on soda.
NEWS FLASH! PRESIDENT RELEASES LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE
“I’m very proud of myself because I’ve been able to accomplish something that nobody else has been able to accomplish; I am really honored to have played such a big role in hopefully getting rid of this issue.”
—Donald Trump on President Obama releasing his long- form birth certificate
OK, LOOK—my head is about to explode because a game show host just made the president dance for him. FUCKING DONALD TRUMP isn’t even RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT but news people can’t help but stick a mic in his face and TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY! In a few short news cycles, these people have turned us into a joke country! I feel like Canada could come down here and pants us at any moment, and we’d have to take it.
Even after the president released his long-form birth certificate, most Birthers and Teabaggers still find him suspiciously black.
*You don’t remember that? Maybe I’m just older than you.