The living/reading room of a simple, not overly quaint bed and breakfast. A window looks out on the late, cold, snowy March night. There is a fire going. Next to the couch is a tall stack of books.
Holding a red pen in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other, OLIVIA sits reading an unbound manuscript. She is occasionally making notes and is happily alone.
The sound of a car approaching. As headlights come into view, OLIVIA looks curiously out the window.
OLIVIA (Re: the car out the window.)
Who are you?
The sound of the car engine turning off, someone approaching the house and a knock on the door.
ETHAN (Through the door.)
Hello? Hello? Anne?
OLIVIA (To the door.)
Um, no. She’s not here.
ETHAN (Through the door.)
But I have a reservation. I’m Ethan Kane.
OLIVIA (To herself.)
You have got to be kidding.
(To the door.)
We didn’t—she didn’t think you were coming.
ETHAN (Through the door.)
Well, I got a late start. And in case you didn’t notice, there’s a fucking blizzard out here. Can you let me in. Please.
OLIVIA
Yeah. One second.
(OLIVIA opens the door.)
ETHAN
Thanks.
ETHAN blows past her into the room, making wet footprints. He throws his coat down on the floor.
OLIVIA
Check-in was between noon and six.
ETHAN
Sorry. I’m Ethan.
OLIVIA
Anne didn’t leave you a room key. So …
ETHAN
OK.
(Dropping his bag by the couch.)
Well, I’ll just crash here.
OLIVIA
On the couch?
ETHAN
Yeah. What do you want me to do? Sleep in the car?
OLIVIA
No. I wasn’t / / suggesting you—
ETHAN
Is there food?
OLIVIA
Food?
ETHAN
Yeah, I’m starving. There’s got to be something in the kitchen.
OLIVIA
I don’t think you should be rooting around in the / / kitchen—
ETHAN
You’re really rule-oriented, huh?
OLIVIA
No. I just don’t / / think you should—
ETHAN
Did you buy that bottle of wine?
OLIVIA
What?
ETHAN
I’m just saying—
OLIVIA
I’ll tell them I drank it and they’ll charge it to my bill.
ETHAN
So, they can charge what I eat to mine. This way?
ETHAN goes to the kitchen. OLIVIA collects her manuscript.
OLIVIA (To herself.)
What a total jag-off!
ETHAN (Calling.)
You want anything?
OLIVIA (Calling.)
No, thanks.
ETHAN (Calling.)
Am I seeming like a dick?
OLIVIA (To herself.)
What?!
ETHAN (Calling, louder.)
Hey—am I seeming like a dick?
OLIVIA (Calling.)
Yeah. Yeah, you are.
ETHAN (After a beat, calling.)
Sorry.
(Calling.)
Man, I got so lost coming here! Once you get off the highway, there are no street lights anywhere, half the signs I couldn’t see, and with the snow, I was like, where the fuck am I?!
OLIVIA
That’s why they tell you to get here before six.
ETHAN returns with a bowl of cereal and an empty juice glass.
ETHAN
Smart.
OLIVIA
Um, I should head to bed.
ETHAN
You don’t seem tired.
OLIVIA
Well …
ETHAN
I think it’s all that rage you’re barely suppressing.
OLIVIA (Smiling in spite of herself.)
I thought I was managing it pretty well.
ETHAN
Stay for a minute.
OLIVIA
No. I should get some sleep.
ETHAN (Holding out his empty glass.)
You sharing or …?
OLIVIA
I don’t really want to.
ETHAN
C’mon. You can bill my glass to the couch.
OLIVIA
Oh, I will.
OLIVIA fills ETHAN’s glass.
ETHAN
So, you’ve been here before?
OLIVIA
Yes.
ETHAN (Laughing.)
And …?
OLIVIA
And yes. I’ve been here before.
ETHAN
Are you usually this easy to talk to or …?
OLIVIA
Who are you?
ETHAN
What?
OLIVIA
Who are you? Why are you here?
ETHAN
Is it weird that I’m here?
OLIVIA
Yes!
ETHAN
Why?
OLIVIA
You’re not the kind of guy who usually comes here—how do you even know about this place?
ETHAN
A friend of mine’s been here. Said it was great.
(Fiddling with his iPhone.)
I’m on a deadline and I’m really distracted at home and he thought I could get some work done here so—
(Looking at his phone.)
I have no signal. Do you get signal here?
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
Never?
OLIVIA
Never.
ETHAN
Seriously?
(Looking to his phone.)
Shit!
OLIVIA
Is someone trying to get a hold of you?
ETHAN
It’s not about someone trying to get a hold of me …
OLIVIA
Well, there’s a phone if you have to make a call.
ETHAN
It’s not that I have to make a call, but, I mean, my phone isn’t working!
OLIVIA (Mocking him.)
Are you gonna be OK?
ETHAN (Frustrated, waving his iPhone around.)
I can’t find the wireless. She said there was wireless.
OLIVIA
It’s down.
ETHAN
What? It’s, like, broken?
OLIVIA
Yes.
ETHAN
So, can I plug in somewhere?
OLIVIA
No. Something’s wrong with the line. Someone was supposed to come out to fix it in the next day or two, but with the storm …
ETHAN
So, no internet at all?
OLIVIA
Nope.
ETHAN
Fuck!
OLIVIA
It’s been great, actually. No distractions.
ETHAN
But I can’t get online! People will think I’m dead. And what if you have to look something up?
OLIVIA
I don’t.
ETHAN
But what if you need to know something?
OLIVIA
What would I need to know that urgently?
ETHAN
I don’t know.
(Looking to his phone.)
Anything …
OLIVIA
No matter how many times you look at it, you’re not going to get a signal.
ETHAN
Shit.
OLIVIA
How long are you planning on staying?
ETHAN
If there’s no wireless … I mean, I have to look stuff up.
OLIVIA
Probably best you leave in the morning then.
ETHAN (Laughing at her harshness.)
OK.
OLIVIA
I’m just thinking of you.
ETHAN
Well, I’m not going anywhere tonight.
(Looking out the window.)
God, it took so long to get here. My friend was like, “It’s a couple of hours.” and I was like, Michigan, OK, sure.
OLIVIA
You drove from Chicago?
ETHAN
Yeah, and it took forever with all the ice. When is this going to stop? It’s March.
(He looks out the window.)
Shouldn’t we be by the lake? Why come all the way out here to not be by the lake?
OLIVIA
It’s more built-up near the lake. Here, it’s quiet so people can write.
ETHAN (Looking to his phone.)
Right.
OLIVIA
Jesus, you can’t stop.
ETHAN
Yes. I can.
ETHAN puts down his iPhone. He refills his now empty glass, then holds out the bottle to OLIVIA.
OLIVIA (After a moment.)
All right.
He pours. They drink.
ETHAN (Looking at her manuscript.)
What are you working on? Looks like you’re proofing.
OLIVIA
Yeah.
ETHAN
A book?
OLIVIA
A novel. But I’m … I’m more of a hobbyist.
ETHAN
What does that mean?
OLIVIA
I don’t do it professionally.
ETHAN
No?
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
So, what do you do? Professionally.
OLIVIA
I teach.
ETHAN
Isn’t it a school night?
OLIVIA
Spring break.
ETHAN (Teasing her.)
Wow, you’re really getting crazy, huh?
OLIVIA (Teasing back.)
Don’t feel any pressure to keep up.
ETHAN (Looking around.)
I was afraid this place’d be lame, “quaint” or something, but it’s not too bad.
OLIVIA
When’s your deadline?
ETHAN
Last week.
OLIVIA
Oh, no.
ETHAN
Yeah, so, I have to finish by Friday.
OLIVIA
Is that possible?
ETHAN
It has to be. My friend Ahmit says this place was like magic for him so—
OLIVIA
Ahmit? Ahmit Faulk?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
You know Ahmit Faulk?
ETHAN
Yeah. I took a master class with him last year and now he’s a buddy of mine.
OLIVIA
He and I were in school together. I told him about this place, actually. I brought him here.
ETHAN
Right. You’re Olivia Lago.
OLIVIA (Slowly.)
Uh, yeah. I am.
ETHAN
When Ahmit told me about this place, he said you used to come here. I’ve, uh, I’ve read your book.
OLIVIA
No, you haven’t.
ETHAN
I have.
OLIVIA
How? It’s out of print.
ETHAN
Ahmit gave it to me.
OLIVIA
What do you mean?
ETHAN
I was asking him about writers that he loved and he gave it to me. Said it was one of his favorites.
OLIVIA
No. He didn’t.
ETHAN
Why do you sound so shocked?
OLIVIA
I haven’t seen him in a long time, since before he won the Pulitzer. I had no idea that he … he said my book was one of his favorites?
ETHAN
He did.
OLIVIA (Taking that in. Then …)
He never told me that.
ETHAN
And I love it, too.
OLIVIA
You really read it?
ETHAN
Twice! And I don’t read anything twice. I started over right after I read the last page. I was, like, possessed by it.
OLIVIA
Uh … Wow. Thanks.
ETHAN
I actually, when I called, I asked the woman—
OLIVIA
Anne?
ETHAN
Yeah, I asked her if you still came here.
OLIVIA
What did she say?
ETHAN
She said you did. Said you were here, actually.
OLIVIA (Slowly, realizing he sought her out.)
Oh.
They drink.
ETHAN
So, what happened?
OLIVIA
What? With Ahmit and me?
ETHAN
No. With your writing.
OLIVIA
Oh. Well. Not much, obviously.
ETHAN
That freaks me out.
OLIVIA
Why?
ETHAN
It seems like something more should have happened.
OLIVIA
Yeah, well … that’s the story sometimes.
ETHAN
So, the book came out and …?
OLIVIA
Why are you so interested?
ETHAN
Why don’t you want to talk about it?
OLIVIA
It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. It just feels, I don’t know, personal somehow.
ETHAN
That doesn’t mean you can’t tell me.
OLIVIA
OK. Well … it just didn’t do very well.
ETHAN
In what way?
OLIVIA
In every way. The reviews were mixed, which didn’t generate the kind of, whatever, excitement, everyone hoped for and sales were disappointing. So, my publisher and I parted ways. And, because of that, my agent and I parted ways …
ETHAN
What did the reviews say?
OLIVIA
I don’t really remember.
ETHAN (Calling her out.)
That is such a lie.
OLIVIA
I don’t remember every word like I used to.
ETHAN
Who liked it?
OLIVIA
He’s gone now but Ed Christiansen at the Trib, not the lead but smart, well respected. And a couple others. But most people didn’t get it.
ETHAN
Why?
OLIVIA
Well, it was the late 90s …
(Cringing.)
And the cover … it was this fashion-y looking woman loaded down with shopping bags.
ETHAN
Yeah, it was bad. I never would have read it in a hundred million years if Ahmit didn’t basically force me.
OLIVIA
My publisher thought jumping on the “chicklit” bandwagon was a good idea. But the people who would have liked it didn’t buy it because of what they thought it was. And the people who did buy it hated it because it wasn’t what they expected. It was a disaster.
ETHAN
Brutal.
OLIVIA
And, honestly, I thought the book was great.
ETHAN
It is great!
OLIVIA
So when it was misunderstood or, even with a few good reviews, basically dismissed … it was pretty devastating.
ETHAN
So, what then? You stopped writing?!
OLIVIA
No. I got back on the horse, wrote another book and tried to get it out there but … I wrote it with something to prove which is never the best place to come from.
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
No one wanted it—no one who I thought deserved it, anyway. So after that, I stopped. For a long time.
ETHAN
You stopped trying?
OLIVIA
I don’t know what to tell you. I got discouraged.
ETHAN
So. We all get discouraged.
OLIVIA
Do you get paid to write?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
So, you’re also getting some encouragement.
ETHAN
But you should see the shit people, especially critics, have said about me! I have a couple of books out and they’ve done pretty well—
OLIVIA
That’s great.
ETHAN
Yeah, but it all started from this blog I used to write. And critics think that a book based on a blog is the lowest form of literature, “one step above catalogues and fortune cookies”!
OLIVIA
Did someone actually say that?
ETHAN
Yes! People say totally horrifying things about me—to me!—all the time. But people also say crazy, hero-worship shit. I don’t listen to any of it. All those chumps are just jealous that I was on the bestseller list.
OLIVIA
The bestseller list?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
Which bestseller list?
ETHAN
The, uh, The New York Times Best Seller list.
OLIVIA
The New York Times Best Seller list?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA (Incredulous.)
No.
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
Really?
ETHAN
Don’t you wish you could look it up?
OLIVIA
The New York Times Best Seller list?
ETHAN
Yeah. For five years.
OLIVIA
Five years?!
ETHAN
Counting both books. Yeah. Paperback non-fiction, but still, especially since it’s mostly guys my age, early/mid-twenties, and a lot of college kids. Which is why they wanted to do the book in the first place. The blog was getting over a million hits a month, mostly from people under twenty-five—
OLIVIA (Amazed.)
A million people a month?
ETHAN
Hits, but yeah. The tasteless youth of the world put me on the bestseller list! And that’s why critics don’t like me. They all want to be kingmakers, hanging on to their last bit of power before their papers go under. But they don’t really matter anymore. I got totally mixed reviews and I was on the bestseller list for five years!
OLIVIA
What’s your name again?
ETHAN
Ethan Kane. But I publish under the name Ethan Strange.
OLIVIA (Name ringing a bell.)
Yeah.
ETHAN
And even though I’ve been off for a year or so, the books are still selling great.
OLIVIA
What are they called?
ETHAN
Sex with Strangers is the first one.
OLIVIA (Realizing.)
I’ve seen it at the airport.
ETHAN
Yup. We actually sell a lot of copies at the airport.
OLIVIA
So, is that what it’s about? Having sex with strangers?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
Is it porn?
ETHAN
No, it’s not porn.
OLIVIA
It sounds like porn.
ETHAN
It’s not like porn porn. It started because I had this blog, but just a “I’m nineteen and want to be a writer so read this” bullshit blog. But I wrote this kind-of funny story about this girl I met at a bar and how I ended up doing all this crazy shit to get her to have sex with me, but she wouldn’t. My friends were like, yeah, girls won’t fuck guys they just meet in bars anymore, because everyone meets online, pre-screens, you know? Even though half of what people say about themselves is bullshit. Anyway, I said in person still works if you can talk, most people just can’t, or, not like I can. So, I bet my friends I could have sex with a stranger every week for a year. But the deal was, I had to go out to bars or wherever and meet girls the old-fashioned way, stranger to stranger. So, I started a blog about that.
OLIVIA
So, is it really non-fiction?
ETHAN
We call the book “an internet memoir based on the intoxicated recollections of a certifiable asshole.”
OLIVIA
What does that mean?
ETHAN
Well, I drink a lot. And, sometimes, I can’t remember what the fuck happened. So, you know, I filled in some blanks, and maybe some things are exaggerated for the sake of a good story. But with that title, we covered our asses.
OLIVIA
OK.
ETHAN
The whole thing was actually much harder than I thought it’d be. But, finally, I ended up fucking this girl that had a really popular site and she linked to me when I wrote, in awe, about the fact that, in addition to being, like, crazy flexible, she could shoot, you know, shoot / / —out of her pussy!—
OLIVIA
OK. OK.
ETHAN
She could actually shoot / / her—
OLIVIA
I got it!
ETHAN
Anyway, it was really funny. And after that I started getting a lot of hits and people got to know where I would hang out and then it was pretty easy since girls wanted to be written about in the blog—
OLIVIA
Girls slept with you to get written about in a blog?
ETHAN
I like to think that’s not the only reason.
OLIVIA
No, I, uh, I get it.
ETHAN
Some girl even started an “I Fucked Ethan Strange” blog—she started the Ethan Strange thing. I was just plain Ethan Kane before that.
OLIVIA
How is this not porn?
ETHAN
No pictures. So, anyway, when a girl fucked me, it became this thing …
OLIVIA
What? That they’d brag about?
ETHAN
Blog about.
OLIVIA
This is fascinating.
ETHAN
And this online sort-of club was formed by girls who’d had sex with me—
OLIVIA
Come on. You’re not making this up?
ETHAN
I’d show you the site if I could.
OLIVIA
So, what? They all wrote about having sex with you?
ETHAN
They wrote about what I wrote about having sex with them and, you know, where they think I got it wrong or whatever.
OLIVIA
Did you respond?
ETHAN
Not really. I mean, sometimes when we saw each other it came up.
OLIVIA
Do you still see any of the fifty-two girls?
ETHAN
I did a little better than that, actually. But not as much as I used to. But I usually hang out at this one bar and sometimes they still come around.
OLIVIA
So, you hang out in bars with a bunch of girls you’ve slept with, and they all know they’ve slept with you and have read about each other sleeping with you …?
ETHAN
Yeah. And some of them have slept with each other.
OLIVIA
And wrote about it?
ETHAN
Yeah, some of ’em.
OLIVIA
That’s crazy to me. Isn’t there anything you want to keep private?
ETHAN
I guess not.
OLIVIA
I just wouldn’t want certain things, most things, especially sexual things about me available to the random stranger.
ETHAN
Clearly, I don’t mind.
OLIVIA
I get it generally—not all the documentation—but having sex with strangers can be good. No expectations, no disappointments.
ETHAN
Yeah, but what about the upside of seeing someone again? If you like them and have fun, you get to bring that back.
OLIVIA
Shouldn’t you be selling me on strangers?
ETHAN
I don’t know, should I?
They drink.
Anyway, the second book came out a couple years ago …
OLIVIA (Re: the title.)
“More Sex with Strangers?”
ETHAN
Yes, actually. Did great. Sold a lot. Times Best Seller list. Etcetera. I was ready to move on. But then the first book got optioned to be a movie, so—
OLIVIA
You’re turning that book into a movie?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA (Teasing.)
Is that going to be porn?
ETHAN
Shut up.
OLIVIA
I’m just asking.
ETHAN
That’s what I’m behind on, the screenplay I have to finish. So, it’s cool, but I’m moving on to other things.
OLIVIA
Yeah?
ETHAN
I won’t be the “Sex with Strangers guy” forever, writing like this when I’m, like …
(He gestures towards her.)
Forty or whatever.
OLIVIA
I’m not forty.
ETHAN
Of course. I just mean, you’re not going to find me, you know, years from now doing the convention circuit, signing copies of The Sex with Strangers Guide to Sex Over Sixty. I mean, fucking shoot me.
OLIVIA
OK.
ETHAN
All of that is going to be a stepping stone.
OLIVIA
To what?
ETHAN
Among other things, I, uh, I have a novel I’ve been working on.
OLIVIA
You wrote a novel?
ETHAN
Don’t sound so surprised!
OLIVIA (She is.)
I’m not.
ETHAN
I’ve been working on it, on and off, for a while so once the movie’s over …
(Back to his point.)
Anyway, all that to say, sex with strangers is basically done.
OLIVIA
Basically?
ETHAN
Yeah. I mean, sure, every now and then …
OLIVIA
Sure.
ETHAN
Hey—at least I’m not fucking over any poor people in third-world countries or robbing anyone’s life savings or whatever. I mean, I’m one of the good guys, relatively, just trying to make a living without selling my soul.
OLIVIA
You are so right! You’re kind-of a modern day Mother Teresa! But instead of helping poor strangers, you bone them!
ETHAN
I do what I can.
(Looking to her manuscript.)
So, can I read your new book?
OLIVIA
What? No.
ETHAN
Come on.
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
Why not?
OLIVIA
Why do you want to?
ETHAN
Self-explanatory.
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
Why not?
OLIVIA
I don’t know you at all.
ETHAN
If that’s your criteria, no wonder things have stalled out for you. But it’s finished, isn’t it?
OLIVIA
Mostly. There are a few things …
ETHAN
Let me read it.
OLIVIA
Sorry. No.
ETHAN
Come on!
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
Really?
OLIVIA (Giving him a look.)
…
ETHAN
OK. OK.
(After a moment.)
So, what do you do around here for fun?
OLIVIA
People come here to write, not to have fun.
ETHAN
Let’s watch a movie.
OLIVIA
No TV.
ETHAN
Seriously?
OLIVIA
Seriously.
ETHAN
We could download a—oh, no we can’t. We can’t do anything. Well … actually …
(Leaning into her.)
There is one thing we could do.
OLIVIA
Are you making a pass at me?
ETHAN
Yeah. I am.
OLIVIA
Don’t do that!
ETHAN
Why not?
OLIVIA
You’re a total stranger! You literally just walked in off the street.
ETHAN
I thought that was all right with you.
OLIVIA
Well … not … / / I mean—
ETHAN
OK. You seemed … OK.
OLIVIA
Seemed what?
ETHAN
Seemed into me.
OLIVIA
What?!
ETHAN
You did.
OLIVIA
I didn’t.
ETHAN
You did.
OLIVIA
What did I …?
ETHAN
It’s fine. You’re into it or you’re not.
OLIVIA
I don’t know you at all.
ETHAN
I thought you were cool with that.
OLIVIA
I am. But, why would I sleep with you? So you can write about me? No, thanks.
ETHAN
I wouldn’t.
OLIVIA
Why should I trust you?
ETHAN
You probably shouldn’t.
OLIVIA
You seem like you might be an asshole.
ETHAN
I’m not saying I’m not an asshole. I pretty much am an asshole. I’m just saying I won’t be an asshole to you.
OLIVIA
OK …?
ETHAN
I’m only an asshole to people who are assholes. The world is just really, really full of assholes.
OLIVIA
Oh, I know.
ETHAN
And I like you. A lot.
OLIVIA
You’ve known me for ten minutes.
ETHAN (Moving in on her.)
I’ve been inside your head.
OLIVIA
Oh, please. My book was fiction, not like yours.
ETHAN
How many people do you think you’re close to?
OLIVIA
What?!
ETHAN
I bet I get you more than ninety-five percent of them.
OLIVIA
That is an arrogant thing to say.
ETHAN
I think you are … brilliant. If I could write like you …
(A beat.)
“I felt like a ruined city….”
OLIVIA
What are you …?
ETHAN
“I felt like a ruined city … whose loss will be built over and forgotten.”
OLIVIA
Are you quoting me?
ETHAN
I am fucking quoting you.
ETHAN kisses her. Passionately. She kisses him back. Passionately.
Clothes begin to come off. Sex is imminent.
Late the next morning. Snow continues to fall outside. OLIVIA is cleaning up a stack of books that was knocked over the night before. She looks to the hallway as she hears ETHAN.
ETHAN
Hey.
OLIVIA (Overly casual.)
Hey.
ETHAN
Still snowing?
OLIVIA
Yeah.
ETHAN (Re: her cleaning up.)
Is someone else coming?
OLIVIA
No. Anne called and everyone else cancelled because of the snow. I’m just cleaning up.
ETHAN
So, it’s just us.
OLIVIA
Just me, officially. Anne asked if I could take care of the place while she checks on her dad up in Mackinaw. I didn’t mention you were here.
ETHAN
No?
OLIVIA
Since you’re not staying.
ETHAN (Re: the night before.)
Right. So … last night was pretty great.
OLIVIA
Oh. Don’t. I hate to reminisce about sex.
ETHAN
That’s just about all I do. Have sex and reminisce about it.
(Re: the books.)
What are all of those?
OLIVIA
They’re mine.
ETHAN
You can read all of these in a week?
OLIVIA
No. I always bring more than I can possibly read, including favorites to reread, which I never get to. I just like having them around, I guess, knowing they’re close by.
ETHAN (Picking up an old hardcover.)
This one’s old, huh?
OLIVIA
First edition.
ETHAN (Smelling the book.)
This smells like a library to me.
OLIVIA
How’s that?
ETHAN (Smelling the book.)
Like old paper … and use … and time …
OLIVIA (Smelling the book.)
Old books … best smell in the world.
ETHAN
(Picking up a copy of The Lover by Marguerite Duras.)
How’s this?
OLIVIA
You never read it?
ETHAN
Nope.
OLIVIA
But you’ve heard of her.
ETHAN
Maybe? Marguerite …
(Mispronouncing the name.)
Der-us?
OLIVIA (Gently correcting the pronunciation.)
Duras.
ETHAN
I’m really behind, honestly.
OLIVIA
I’m guessing not many nights at home curled up with a book.
ETHAN
Not enough nights. Not enough books.
OLIVIA
I find this so strange. I see it with my students all the time. Writers who don’t read.
ETHAN
I read. Constantly.
OLIVIA
More than a hundred and forty characters at a time.
ETHAN
I do read. But mostly living writers. I’m good on the big guns—Eggers, Franzen, Zadie Smith, et al. But also who’s next. So, yeah, I’m behind on some of the dead people. But I’m committed to catching up.
OLIVIA (Impressed.)
Cool.
ETHAN (Re: the book.)
What do you like about this?
OLIVIA
Well, I was nineteen when I first read it and totally devotional to it, so I’m not very objective. But it’s the way she uses language—it’s very spare, but incredibly vivid.
ETHAN
Yeah?
OLIVIA
The way she evokes the feeling of desire, of passion, of feeling inexplicably connected to another person … what happens before words are even spoken and, then, later, when you don’t need them anymore … And I know it’s a cliche but there is something about passion and the French.
ETHAN
Ahmit said you lived in France for a long time?
OLIVIA
Did you ask him about me?
ETHAN
I did. I wanted to know everything about you.
OLIVIA
Just from reading my book?
ETHAN
Yeah. And I saw a picture of you.
OLIVIA
You did? Where?
ETHAN
Book jacket.
OLIVIA
Right.
ETHAN
And on Facebook.
OLIVIA
I’m not on Facebook anymore.
ETHAN
Ahmit posted a photo of your class or something.
OLIVIA (Really horrified.)
Oh, God. What photo?
ETHAN (Re: what she was wearing.)
Red pants.
OLIVIA (Concerned.)
Oh, no.
(After a beat of reflection.)
Actually, I looked good in those.
ETHAN
You did. When I saw you, I thought, she wrote that unbelievable book and she looks like that?
OLIVIA (Smiling.)
…
ETHAN
I looked you up. But there’s basically nothing.
OLIVIA
I guess I’m the last anonymous person in my generation.
ETHAN
How long were you there? In France?
OLIVIA
In Europe for eight. In Paris, but also Milan and Barcelona.
ETHAN
Why did you ever come back?
OLIVIA
I went for love. And it ended.
ETHAN
What happened?
OLIVIA
He was Italian. Very handsome. Older than me. He traveled for work and so I really didn’t. Work. But I saw the world and learned languages and read and read and read.
ETHAN
That sounds great.
OLIVIA
It was.
ETHAN
So?
OLIVIA
He, uh, he just ended up not being who I thought he was.
ETHAN
Too bad. Most girls I know would kill for a situation like that. All in exchange for sleeping with some Italian guy—
OLIVIA
It wasn’t an exchange, it was a relationship.
ETHAN
And then what?
OLIVIA
What? My relationships?
ETHAN
Yes.
OLIVIA
Um, I don’t know. A couple great guys. A couple not so great guys.
ETHAN
What happened to the good ones?
OLIVIA
The usual … got a job in a different city, doesn’t want to be serious, wants to be too serious … but isn’t it always a little … who knows and how does this ever work.
ETHAN
It is. So, are you with anyone now?
OLIVIA (Surprised by the question.)
Uh, no. Are you?
ETHAN
Nope. So, you speak Italian?
OLIVIA
Si Si, parlo italiano correntemente e di tanto in tanto faccio anche delle traduzioni.
ETHAN
Cool.
They kiss.
So, where’s your new book?
OLIVIA
In my room. Why?
ETHAN
I want to read it now.
OLIVIA
Well, you can’t.
ETHAN
Come on!
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
We did what we did last night but you won’t let me read your book?
OLIVIA
Nope.
ETHAN
Why not?
OLIVIA
Too personal.
ETHAN
Come on! I’m sure I’ll love it.
OLIVIA
That’s not the point.
ETHAN
Right. The point is you like it and everyone else can fuck off.
OLIVIA
No. The point is, if you read it, I’ll want you to like it and I don’t want to want you to like it. I want to not care. But I will. This is my problem. And, for years, I’ve worked really, really hard and spent a lot of money on health-care professionals trying to stop wanting people to like what I’m doing. To just do it.
ETHAN
That’s good.
OLIVIA
But, I can’t. I’m sure if my first book had done better, I’d feel differently. But knowing my work is good and never having had that response? I still care.
ETHAN
Well, it’s not like you can totally not care. I mean, everybody cares a little.
OLIVIA
Yeah. But it felt so important to me to be … important, you know?
ETHAN (Understanding.)
Yeah.
OLIVIA
To make something that people would think was … brilliant.
ETHAN (Gesturing to himself.)
But people will!
OLIVIA
Now, I just want to be happy. And people misunderstanding or dismissing my work made me really unhappy. So, I’m not showing it to anyone right now. I’m just writing what I want. No compromises. No second guessing. No hopes. No expectations.
ETHAN
But you have to have some expectations or you wouldn’t be writing.
OLIVIA (Joking.)
Sure. Maybe it’ll be discovered after I’m dead and everyone will think it’s a masterpiece and feel sorry for me that I wasn’t celebrated in my own time.
OLIVIA
Who are you, Emily Dickinson?!
OLIVIA (Re: the Dickinson reference.)
Good one.
ETHAN
She got mixed reviews, too. And so do I. But, we’re proof that you shouldn’t be discouraged by the assholes’ response.
OLIVIA
It’s not just that.
ETHAN
What then?
OLIVIA
If something was going to happen for me, it would have already.
ETHAN
Now, that’s crazy.
OLIVIA
Why? People I know from school are on their third or fourth book. Some have been successful so long they’re on the comeback phase of their career. They’re making a comeback and I never got anywhere.
ETHAN
Because you stopped trying!
OLIVIA
I mean, Ahmit, who, when I met him at twenty, had only written short stories. I convinced him to try writing a novel. He has a Pulitzer.
ETHAN
But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t as good as he is.
OLIVIA
I know. But there comes a point when you have to face that no matter how good you think you are, things are probably not going to work out like you wanted.
ETHAN
But you can’t give up when you have something new to / / put out—
OLIVIA
Look, I don’t want to compete with the twenty-two-year-olds trying to get off square one, trying to have my little voice heard over the throngs of hundreds and millions. At this point, it would be stupid.
ETHAN
You don’t have to think of it as competing against anyone.
OLIVIA
And isn’t the world already choking on all the shallow, trivial observations of millions of self-important morons? Nothing personal.
ETHAN
Thanks.
OLIVIA
So, why should I bother trying to fight my way through that?
ETHAN
Because unlike most of the shit that’s out there, your writing is incredibly good.
OLIVIA
But what if people don’t respond to this new one that I think is my best yet? What do I do then?
ETHAN
If it’s even half as good as the one I read, it is a huge loss to the world if people can’t read it.
OLIVIA (After a moment.)
Why are you being so nice to me?
ETHAN
Why are you being so suspect?
OLIVIA
I just keep waiting for the asshole to show up.
ETHAN
Well, he’ll be here tomorrow. So, if there’s anything you want to do with the nice guy, we’ve got some time.
ETHAN moves to her and kisses her. Passionately.
Clothes come off.
Sex is imminent.
The next day. Late afternoon. ETHAN sits on the couch a few pages into reading The Lover by Marguerite Duras. His laptop is open on the coffee table. OLIVIA enters.
OLIVIA (Sleepy.)
There you are.
ETHAN
Sorry. I never got to sleep.
OLIVIA
God … what time is it?
ETHAN
Around four-thirty, I think.
OLIVIA
In the afternoon? You’re kidding.
ETHAN (Smiling.)
I’m not. We didn’t go to bed until five or something.
OLIVIA
Still. I can’t believe I’m getting up at four-thirty in the afternoon.
ETHAN
You want coffee? A beer?
OLIVIA
Coffee.
ETHAN goes to the kitchen to get it.
OLIVIA (Calling to him.)
You get some work done on your screenplay?
ETHAN
No. The notes from the studio are too stupid to face.
OLIVIA
So, what have you been doing?
ETHAN
Reading.
OLIVIA
You’re going to miss your deadline.
ETHAN
It’s the least of my worries, really. I should also be working on this app I’m developing.
OLIVIA
You do that, too?
ETHAN
Not the technical side. Just the idea and the content.
He hands OLIVIA the coffee.
OLIVIA
Thanks. So, what is it? Your app?
ETHAN
You know “Band of the Day?”
OLIVIA
Not literally but I get what you mean.
ETHAN
It’s like that, the literary form of Band of the Day—writer of the day basically. It’s impossible to wade through everything now, hard for undiscovered writers to get above the noise. So, instead of people having to slog through Amazon or Smashwords, my app will introduce people to hand picked, very cool new writers and selections of their stuff. And based on what you say you like, you’ll get personalized recommendations; if you like this guy, you’ll like that guy.
OLIVIA
Like the Pandora thumbs up?
ETHAN
Basically, yeah.
OLIVIA
That sounds really good, actually.
ETHAN
Thanks so much, actually. It’ll have links to people’s books and other shorter pieces you can buy.
OLIVIA
Is that how you’ll make money?
ETHAN
Yeah. I’m going to take less of a cut than other places do, though. Works out for everyone. But I’m not in it for the money.
OLIVIA
No?
ETHAN
I want it to be really respected and, eventually, once its established, and people are thinking of me in this new way …
OLIVIA
You’ll put out your novel?
ETHAN
Right. But instead of doing any of that. I read all day.
(Holding up The Lover.)
This is really good.
OLIVIA
I told you.
ETHAN
I think you write like her.
OLIVIA
Like Marguerite Duras?
ETHAN
Not like her, exactly, but the effect. It’s spare but really evocative. And kind-of sharp, like … a little brutal. Honest. Confident. I like it.
OLIVIA
I’m glad.
ETHAN
But there’s something I just finished that I think is better.
OLIVIA (Doubtful.)
Really? What?
ETHAN pulls out OLIVIA’s manuscript.
ETHAN
This.
OLIVIA (In shock, unable to process.)
What …?
ETHAN
It’s totally incredible.
OLIVIA
Why … why would you do that?
ETHAN
I think it’s brilliant.
OLIVIA (Slowly, not really hearing him.)
I can’t believe you did that.
ETHAN
You need to get over yourself, Olivia. People need to read this.
OLIVIA
I think … I think you should go.
(Reaching for the manuscript.)
You need to go.
ETHAN (Keeping the manuscript away from her.)
No. No. No. You do not get to write something like this and keep it to yourself.
OLIVIA (Very forcefully.)
Give it to me!
ETHAN
Olivia …
OLIVIA (Almost violently.)
Give it to me!
ETHAN (Giving the manuscript to her.)
OK.
OLIVIA
You had no right.
ETHAN
I wanted to read it / / so I could—
OLIVIA
I don’t care what you wanted!
ETHAN
Did you hear me? I think it’s totally brilliant!
OLIVIA
And, what? That’s supposed to make me grateful that you stole my book and read it without my permission?
ETHAN
Look. You told me you wanted someone to discover it and think it’s incredible. That wasn’t you basically telling me / / to read it and—?
OLIVIA
If I wanted you to read it, I would have given it to you.
ETHAN
Listen to me. I think it’s fucking incredible. You can’t keep this from the world.
OLIVIA
I can’t? Look, you don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.
ETHAN
That’s not totally true.
OLIVIA
If you knew me, you wouldn’t have done this. You would have waited until I was ready / / to give it to you—
ETHAN
No, clearly, you need someone to push you.
OLIVIA
Your arrogance really knows no limits.
ETHAN
Look. I’m sorry if you’re mad I read it. But I can’t be. No. I won’t be. And it’s a fucking tragedy if no one else does. This book is everything. It’s funny, it’s moving, it’s subtle. It’s incredibly smart. And surprising. Her inner-life is, like, blindingly vivid. Best of all, it’s really, really honest. It’s remarkable.
(After a moment.)
So. I’m not sorry, Olivia. I’m not.
(After a moment’)
OK?
OLIVIA (Slowly, reluctantly persuaded by him.)
Uh … OK.
ETHAN
You want a glass of water or something?
OLIVIA
No. I’m alright.
ETHAN (After a beat.)
Listen, I get you not wanting to be exposed or whatever. But to keep this book to yourself? It’s too good. So, what if no one knew it was you? Self publish under a made-up name, a made-up profile and put out the book that way.
OLIVIA
You mean lie?
ETHAN
It doesn’t matter. It’s the internet.
OLIVIA
Right. But …
ETHAN
Come on, Olivia! It’d be so good for you to see what people have to say about the writer you are now, get you not so cut-off from the world.
OLIVIA
I’m not cut-off from the world.
ETHAN
Look, you can just put it out there and see what happens. I could set it up in, like, ten minutes, walk you through all of it. You just have to be a little brave.
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
Why?
OLIVIA
I don’t want to open that door again.
ETHAN
But … what? You had twenty reviews of your first book?
OLIVIA
More like eight or so.
ETHAN
Now you can have eight hundred of the new one.
OLIVIA
Those aren’t reviews.
ETHAN
Not like from a newspaper, but—
OLIVIA
Right. I don’t want to subject myself to a bunch of anonymous strangers saying horrible, misspelled things about my work. I don’t know how you deal with that.
ETHAN
Well, I’m an egomaniac. I don’t care what they say as long as they say something. And I know that being popular isn’t the same as being good. But at least be part of the conversation. Come on. No one will know it’s you!
OLIVIA
What they say will still be about my work.
ETHAN
And it’s incredible! People are going to love it. Not everyone, of course, but—
OLIVIA
This is what I’m saying. No matter how good it is there will be cruel idiots who will feel the need to trash it and I don’t want to have to subject myself / / to—
ETHAN
But they don’t matter. Take what’s good and leave the rest behind.
OLIVIA
That doesn’t make sense. You have to take all of it or none of it, it seems to me. And how do I make myself hard enough to withstand all the bad but stay soft enough to still be the writer I want to be? It seems impossible.
ETHAN
Look—I’m giving you another chance to show the world how talented you are. Take it. It’s worth the risk.
OLIVIA
I just can’t.
ETHAN
Come on, Olivia. You have / / to—
OLIVIA (With total finality.)
Ethan.
ETHAN
OK. OK. But I think it’s remarkable. I do. And I’m honored to have read it. No matter how mad you are at me.
OLIVIA
Well …
(After a moment.)
Thank you.
(After a moment.)
For all you said about it.
(After a moment.)
Really.
ETHAN (After a moment.)
What about your first book, then? The one that was so misunderstood? Let me at least post that one this way. We’ll change the title, make a new cover that doesn’t totally suck, make it seem like it’s new. We’ll post it with the fake name, fake bio. I’ll get it some attention and you can see what more people think of it.
OLIVIA
I don’t know.
ETHAN
It’s so easy. You don’t have to wait for anybody’s permission anymore.
OLIVIA
That’s why every crackpot hack is doing it.
ETHAN
Let’s just upload the book and see what happens.
OLIVIA
I have thought about this. I’ve even looked at KDP and Smashwords. A couple others. But the magnitude of … crap. The whole thing just feels … desperate.
ETHAN
It’s the way it is now.
OLIVIA
I know. But …
ETHAN
You think your chance is over, now you can see that it’s not. You can have the life for that book that you always wanted.
OLIVIA
Why are you offering to do all of this?
ETHAN
Because I can. Because I want to. But, mostly, because you’re sitting here in obscurity and it’s bullshit. It’s wrong. You deserve so much more than what you have. We both know you do.
OLIVIA
I don’t know that anyone deserves anything.
ETHAN
Do you love teaching?
OLIVIA
Uh … yeah. Yeah, I do.
ETHAN
You love your job?
OLIVIA
I really like my job. Yeah.
ETHAN
You teach where you want to teach?
OLIVIA
I like my students a lot.
ETHAN
So, everything’s how you want it to be?
OLIVIA
Jesus. You are young. When is everything how you want it to be?
ETHAN
So, you’re not happy where you are?
OLIVIA
I am. But, come on, most of the really great jobs go to people who have had more success than I have.
ETHAN
So, it would be helpful—more success? There’d be something to gain if your first book had a second life?
OLIVIA
Sure. Hypothetically. Yes.
ETHAN
So, we’ll put it out there again—all pseudonym-ed and protected—and we’ll see what happens, OK?
OLIVIA (Still struggling.)
Oh, man …
ETHAN
Come on!
OLIVIA (Getting there.)
Aaaggghhh …
ETHAN
Come on! You know you want to.
OLIVIA
OK!
ETHAN
OK! Let’s do this!
OLIVIA
Sure. Later tonight?
ETHAN
No. I’ll set it up right now.
OLIVIA
Not right now.
ETHAN
Yes, right now.
ETHAN goes to his computer and clicks around.
If I give you any more time, you’ll change your mind.
OLIVIA
We’ll do it later.
ETHAN
No. Now.
OLIVIA
Ethan …
ETHAN
First thing we need to think of is your name. What do you think of … “Cat”?
OLIVIA (With disdain.)
What?
ETHAN
Cat. It’s, like, short for Catherine.
OLIVIA
No way.
ETHAN
What’s wrong with Cat?
OLIVIA
Absolutely not.
ETHAN
So what do you say?
OLIVIA
I’m not doing this right now.
ETHAN (Typing.)
Then your name is Cat.
OLIVIA
No! Stop!
ETHAN
So …? What?
OLIVIA
I don’t know. Uh … Lily?
ETHAN
No.
OLIVIA
Um … Maggie.
ETHAN
Really?
OLIVIA
Emily?
ETHAN (Unsure.)
Yeah …
OLIVIA
I like Emma.
ETHAN
I like Emma.
(Typing.)
Emma! Last name?
OLIVIA
I don’t know. Joe?
ETHAN (With country twang.)
Emma Joe!
OLIVIA
Well, it should be something short, strong …
ETHAN
Raines? Reese? Ren? Hen? No. Hall? Lane? Hall is close.
OLIVIA
Thorne?
ETHAN
A little too Gothic maybe.
OLIVIA
Emma Lunt?
ETHAN
No. You’re going to want to avoid that. Believe me.
OLIVIA
Emma Thorn could work? Without an “e.”
ETHAN
Yeah …
OLIVIA
It’s smart sounding to me. Classic.
ETHAN
Emma Thorn. OK. Yeah. Yeah, it’s good.
OLIVIA
Wait—what about just initials?
ETHAN
So they don’t know if you’re a guy or a girl? You think that’ll help somehow?
OLIVIA (Sarcastic.)
Well, being a woman is always such a huge advantage as an artist. I’d like to see how I do without that leg up.
ETHAN
OK. Sure.
(Realizing.)
You’re kidding. But cool. Like J. K. Rowling. I like it.
OLIVIA
E. S.? E. S. Thorn?
ETHAN (Typing.)
E. S. Thorn. OK. How about twenty-nine?
OLIVIA
For what?
ETHAN
Your age. Not too young, not too old.
OLIVIA
Whatever.
ETHAN
OK. Other profile stuff.
OLIVIA
Meaning what?
ETHAN
You know, things that define you. Basically, like, one sentence that totally encapsulates who you are.
OLIVIA (With deep scorn.)
One sentence that totally encapsulates who I am?
ETHAN
Never mind. OK. As soon as I’m back online, I’ll upload the book to Smashwords, it’s cooler, tweet the link to get some more traffic—
OLIVIA
I don’t think your followers would be / / interested in my—
ETHAN
What? Too good for my people? I have half a million followers.
OLIVIA
No, you don’t.
ETHAN
You’re right. It’s closer to four hundred and fifty thousand.
OLIVIA
That’s insane.
ETHAN
And my readers are smarter than you think. And seriously loyal. If I say check this out, they will. Even some of the fucking highbrow crowd condescend to follow me. Do you have a copy of it on your computer?
OLIVIA
Yes.
ETHAN (Teasing her.)
Is it in Word ’97?
OLIVIA
Shut up.
(After a second.)
I think it is, actually.
ETHAN
It’s fine. I can convert it. Let me have your computer.
OLIVIA hands him her computer. He sets it down and gets a flash drive out of his bag.
So you know, once the book’s up, I will have to add some fake comments.
OLIVIA
Fake comments?
ETHAN
To make it look like some people have read it.
OLIVIA
That feels like cheating.
ETHAN
Everybody does it.
OLIVIA
The best justification ever.
ETHAN
They’ll mostly be good. But I’ll have to write a couple mean ones, just to be realistic.
OLIVIA
Well, make sure the spelling is really bad on those.
ETHAN
I will.
OLIVIA
This whole thing is making me / / a little—
ETHAN
It’s going to be great.
OLIVIA
And no one will know?
ETHAN
No one. I promise. Just me.
OLIVIA
All right. You’re very persuasive.
ETHAN
And I’ll admit, it’ll be good for me, too. When my app launches, I’ll have already discovered the incredible E. S. Thorn. I’ll be brilliant by association.
(Re: trying to find the book on her computer.)
It’s under …?
OLIVIA
The folder very secretively named “books” on the desktop.
ETHAN
Got it.
ETHAN plugs in the flash drive, clicks around.
OLIVIA
How have you done all of this? Your big career. I mean, it’s incredibly impressive. When I was twenty-five, I didn’t know my ass from my elbow.
ETHAN
Well, I’m twenty-eight now.
OLIVIA
Right. In that case, I’m not impressed.
ETHAN (Gesturing to her open computer.)
You wrote this incredible book around twenty-five, right?
OLIVIA
Yes, but you … you seem so fully formed.
ETHAN
You do, too.
OLIVIA
Yeah, well, it’d be a little sad if I didn’t by this point.
ETHAN
It’s just most of the girls I meet … they’re all so … not.
OLIVIA
Maybe it’s just the messy ones are drawn to you.
ETHAN
Maybe.
OLIVIA
I was a confused mess then.
ETHAN
I bet people that knew you then wouldn’t say that.
OLIVIA
I think they might.
ETHAN
Anyway, you turned out pretty well, and that’s what matters, right? And a lot of people would say I’m a mess now.
OLIVIA
You’re not. I mean, what do you even worry about?
ETHAN
What do you mean?
OLIVIA
People worry about money, being successful, being lonely, right?
ETHAN (Among other things.)
Yeah …
OLIVIA
And you seem to have all of that covered. So, what do you worry about?
ETHAN
Sure, but what I have isn’t all I want. I do think my novel has potential to be … significant.
OLIVIA
You do?
OLIVIA
I do.
OLIVIA
Well, should I read Sex with Strangers in the meantime?
ETHAN (Strongly.)
No I don’t want you to. No.
OLIVIA
Why not?
ETHAN
I don’t want that to be the first thing of mine that you read.
(A second of vulnerability.)
I’m … I’m glad for what it’s done for me. But until I prove that I’m not just that guy from those books, until I write what I want to write … and prove that I deserve to be … part of …
(Strongly shifting gears, overly confident.)
You know, people think they know me. What I can do. What I can’t. But they’re wrong.
OLIVIA
OK.
ETHAN
And I don’t want the Sex with Strangers stuff in your head. What I want to do is so different. So, don’t read it, OK?
OLIVIA
OK.
ETHAN (Strongly.)
Promise me.
OLIVIA (After a moment.)
OK.
ETHAN removes the flash drive and puts it in his bag.
ETHAN (After a moment, a shift of energy.)
Hey—is there someplace to eat around here?
OLIVIA
What? Like a restaurant?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
Near the lake. Not too far.
ETHAN
Let’s go out tonight.
OLIVIA
What, like, out to dinner or something?
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
Like on a date out to dinner?
ETHAN
Yeah. Like on a date.
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
Why not?
OLIVIA
I don’t want to go out on a date with you. Ten minutes ago I was kicking you out.
ETHAN
And, yet, I’m still here.
OLIVIA
Yeah, why is that?
ETHAN
Because you are so into me.
OLIVIA
Oh my God! I am not. You’re a dick and a liar and a thief!
ETHAN
And you couldn’t be more into me.
They kiss.
So let’s go out. It’s my last night
OLIVIA
It is?
ETHAN
Yeah. I have to head back to Chicago. I fly out to LA tomorrow night.
OLIVIA
Oh. I … I didn’t know.
ETHAN
I don’t want to go, believe me.
OLIVIA
Yeah …
ETHAN
When I get back from LA, we should go to Paris.
OLIVIA
What?
ETHAN
I’ve never been. Haven’t traveled much, actually.
OLIVIA
Well, Paris is … beautiful.
ETHAN
So, we should go.
OLIVIA
But we’re not—I mean—do you want to see me?
ETHAN
Yes, I do.
OLIVIA
No, I mean, actually see me.
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
I mean me—not me and a bunch of other people.
ETHAN
Yeah. I want to see you. And my hunch is if I want to see you, I only see you.
OLIVIA
Yeah.
ETHAN
So, I’ll just see you.
OLIVIA
But, we’re not, I mean, it’s not like we’re going to have a real relationship, right?
ETHAN
Why not?
OLIVIA
Because I’m probably too old for you.
ETHAN
You might think you’re too old for me, but I don’t.
OLIVIA
It’s only because you’re too young to know I’m too old.
ETHAN
Mr. Italiano wasn’t too old for you.
OLIVIA
And that ended badly.
ETHAN
Because he was a dick.
OLIVIA (Teasing him.)
I thought you were a dick.
ETHAN
Right. But really.
OLIVIA
You’re serious?
ETHAN
I am. Aren’t you?
OLIVIA (After a moment.)
I could be.
ETHAN
OK. Good.
OLIVIA
I’ll just put it out of my head that in ten years you’ll still be perfect, and I’ll be …
(Calculates for a second.)
Jesus! I’ll be …
ETHAN
Ten years?! Can we just think about right now?
OLIVIA
Yeah. Yeah, we can.
They kiss.
Clothes come off.
Sex is imminent.
OLIVIA and ETHAN appear in the bedroom doorway kissing. ETHAN breaks away.
ETHAN
I’m so late!
They kiss again. ETHAN breaks away.
I’m so, so late!
They kiss again. ETHAN breaks away.
I’m going to be really busy but I’ll call you when I can.
OLIVIA
OK.
ETHAN
I’ll—do you see my other boot?
OLIVIA (After looking around.)
Here it is.
ETHAN
I’ll be back in a week.
OLIVIA
A week?!
ETHAN
I know.
(Looking at his phone.)
Hey—I think the wireless is back up.
OLIVIA
Really? That must have been who was at the door. We should have gotten it.
ETHAN
Clearly, he was able to fix the line outside ’cause I’m on. See if you can get on.
OLIVIA opens her computer and clicks around.
So, no Wi-Fi here, huh?
OLIVIA
Nope.
ETHAN
That is quaint. Are you on?
OLIVIA
Almost …
ETHAN (Looking at his phone.)
I have email! Oh, fuck me.
OLIVIA
What?
ETHAN
I have eight hundred and thirty-nine emails in my in-box.
OLIVIA
I have …
(Looking at her screen as her email loads.)
… seven.
ETHAN
And there’s a twitter feed about me being dead.
OLIVIA
No.
ETHAN
I told you.
(Speaking as he types.)
Hey Motherfuckers! Sorry to disappoint you!
OLIVIA (Getting his attention.)
Hey.
ETHAN goes to her. They kiss.
ETHAN
I took a couple of your books.
OLIVIA
Oh?
ETHAN
I’m holding them hostage. That way no matter how much you freak out, you still have to see me again.
OLIVIA
I’m not going to freak out. Why would I freak out? Why do you think I’m going to freak out?
ETHAN
Wild guess.
He kisses her.
(After a moment.)
And I’m going to set up a meeting for you with my agent.
OLIVIA
What? No.
ETHAN
Yeah.
OLIVIA
I couldn’t ask you to do that.
ETHAN
You’re not asking. I’m offering. It’s not a big deal.
OLIVIA
It is.
ETHAN
It’s not. I make them a lot of money, so she meets who I ask her to.
OLIVIA
Well …
ETHAN
It’s so easy. And I want to.
OLIVIA
OK. Well. Thanks. That would be great.
They kiss.
ETHAN
Sorry. I have to go.
OLIVIA
I know.
ETHAN
Bye.
OLIVIA
Bye.
ETHAN leaves. OLIVIA watches his car drive off. She sits on the couch and opens a book. She looks to her computer. She puts down the book and pulls the computer toward her. She types.
“Ethan Strange. Sex with Strangers.”
She hesitates, then hits a button.
Search.
She clicks on something and begins to read.
(Horrified, slowly.)
Oh … my … God …
Lights.
END OF ACT I