| |
“This place almost looks livable,” I say as I look around Liam’s house.
“Right? I gotta say that prank really did work out in my favor.” He chuckles.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Let’s not take it that far. I still haven’t forgiven you for that.”
“Yes, you did.” He pulls me close and hugs me as I try and wrestle away from him. “Because it got you Damir.”
“We exchanged keys.”
“Whoa, the big leagues. Getting serious then?”
“I feel like it’s always somehow been serious. Like from the beginning, there was just something there.”
He nods. “I get that.”
I arch a brow. “As in, you get it because you feel that way with Nia?”
He only grins. “Nice try.”
“You haven’t told me anything else about her since the first time. Just that you guys have been on more dates. Give me something here. I’ll take a crumb.”
“I do love it when you beg.” He snickers. “Um, let’s see, we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Which feels odd to say at this age, I guess. But we’ve established we’re not seeing other people.”
“Which is pretty big for you.”
“Don’t make it sound like that.”
I give him an exasperated face. “Mr. I’ll never have a girlfriend, never settle down, never get married? Yeah, that guy saying he has a girlfriend is a big deal.”
“I guess I just didn’t know a woman like her would come around, you know? That someone could make me feel all those things that just seemed made up before I met her.”
My eyes widen, an aww ready to burst from my lips, but he shakes his head.
“God, please don’t,” he pleads.
“Okay, okay. I’ll act heartless just for you.” I chuckle.
“Thank you. It’s all I ask for.” He smiles.
The doorbell rings, and Liam goes to the door to get our takeout we had delivered. I get two plates and forks, before asking if he wants to eat outside. He agrees and follows me with the bags of food to his porch.
“It’s amazing this is still the only block that looks like this in Newport,” I say as we begin eating.
“Uh, everything in Newport looks run down, so this block fits right in.”
“You know what I mean. It’s the only block with houses basically anywhere in this town.”
“Me and Trouble used to come here when we were younger, pretend this was the nice side of town, as if Newport has one of those. We’d speak in these fancy ass accents and act rich.”
We both laugh, as I push him arm. “And you guys didn’t bring me?”
“That’s when you were in your tea party days. We had to get the hell out of the building before you brought out your tea set.”
“That’s low.” I pause, looking at Liam out the corner of my eye, wondering if I should ask about the best friend he’d had almost all of his life. The friend he no longer had. “How is Trouble anyway?”
He shrugs, but I see the sadness that enters his eyes. “He’s good, I guess. I only really see him when he comes to drop off and pick up his brother from the community center. I used to try and talk to him, but you kinda get tired of one word answers.”
“I don’t understand how you guys used to be together every day and don’t even speak now.”
“I don’t really understand it either, but I got the message years ago. He wants nothing to do with me.”
“Yeah, but—”
“We’re just on two different paths.” He cuts me off. And the hard set of his jaw tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.
“How’s his brother?” I ask instead of what I really want to.
“He’s good. Helps out a lot with the younger kids. I see him kinda starting to go down a bad path though. And he’s young, so I know most of it is just trying to fit in, but once you go down that path...”
“It hard to find your way back.” I finish.
“Exactly. I wish there was something we could do for the kids there, to kind of expose them to other things. The issue is that not many people are willing to help when they find out it’s a bunch of kids from Newport.”
I perk up. “Damir.”
“Huh?”
“I mean Damir already does this outreach program where he hires people who are on probation, teaching them construction. Maybe for the older kids, you guys could bring them to the work site, and they could learn a skill, really get some life experience by working with their hands.”
“If he agrees, that’ll be nice for them. Even just to get them out of Newport for a few days will do them good.”
“I’ll ask him when I see him tomorrow.”
“A date?”
“A surprise one. I’m bringing him lunch to his site.”
“Takeout I hope. Poor guy doesn’t need to die at work.”
“I’ll have you know I’ve cooked two whole meals now.”
“Were they edible?”
“Damir ate them.”
“That is not what I asked.” He snickers.
“Whatever. Yes, it will be takeout because... Yeah, my cooking is almost as bad as yours. Almost.”
“Little do you know they’ve been doing cooking lessons at the center, and yours truly made chicken alfredo the other day.”
“Well excuse me, Chef Liam.” He gives me a smug smile, and I laugh before asking, “Practicing to make Nia breakfast in bed?”
“Actually, I am.”
I put my hand to my chest. “I must be dead because you cannot have just said that in real life.”
“Believe it, little sister.”
“Just what has the lovely Nia done to my brother?”
From the way he smiles just at hearing her name, I know she’s made my brother fall in love with her. Whether he knows it or not yet.
My mind is entirely on the man I love as I pull up to Damir’s site the next day. I marvel at it, seeing how far it’s come since he gave me a tour before. There are seven buildings already done, another three more full of men putting in windows and drilling things into place.
“Can I help you?” A deep voice asks.
I move my eyes from one of the buildings to find a slim, tall young man in front of me. His hard hat tells me he works here.
“Hi. I’m looking for Damir,” I say.
He squints at me for a moment before questioning, “Mariah?”
“The one and only.” I nervously chuckle, wondering what Damir has told him about me.
“He’s in the trailer. I’ll take you. You want me to carry that for you?” He motions towards the basket I’m carrying.
“No, I’m okay. But thank you.”
“Alright. Right this way.” He waves me forward, and I walk beside him. “I’ve heard a lot about you. And yes, all of it good because Damir talks about you like you are a goddess who blesses him by even looking in his direction.”
Surprised laughter bursts out of me. “Does he really?”
“Oh yeah. Don’t say I told you that though.”
“Pretty hard to tell on someone when you don’t know their name.”
“Oh sorry.” He grins and extends his hand. “Stan.”
“Ah. I’ve heard about you too, Stan,” I say as I shake his hand. “The best worker here.”
He stumbles in his step, and I have to tuck in my lips to hide my smile at his genuine surprise. “He said that?”
“He did.”
It takes him another moment of looking at me with shocked and partially confused eyes before he nods and begins walking again. The trailer comes into view and Stanley walks ahead of me, opening the door.
“Damir, I found this woman wandering around the site,” he jokes. “I thought you might know her.”
“What?” Damir’s confused voice reaches me, and I quietly chuckle before stepping through the door Stanley holds open.
“Surprise!” I state.
He smiles immediately. “Wow. This really is a surprise. And a very nice one.”
“Oh, so you do know her?” Stanley asks.
“Get outta here.” Damir chuckles, throwing a roll of duct tape at him.
Stanley barely ducks it before laughing and closing the door.
“I thought I’d bring you a little lunch,” I say as I set the basket on his desk. “I hope you haven’t eaten yet.”
“Nope. Starving actually. What do you got?”
“Chicken salad, chips, some iced tea.”
“Sweetened iced tea?” His eyes get wide with excitement.
“Yes. We all know you need excessive amounts of sugar, so what you want,”—I take out the huge jug of iced tea—“I provide.”
He comes around the desk and gets a chair out of the corner of the trailer for me while I unpack the food.
“You guys have made a lot of progress,” I say after my first bite.
“It’s going well. We haven’t really had many issues so far, and we’re over half way done.”
“Am I getting another tour when it’s done?”
“Absolutely. We can even christen an apartment or two.”
“Or two?” I arch a brow. “Interesting. You better hurry up and get it done then.”
“Oh, are you going somewhere?”
“Never,” I state and his smile grows. “So what are you guys doing this week?”
“Digging out where the pool is going to go starting tomorrow, working on the other three buildings to get the walls up and then start laying the pipes. The developer came to see the progress earlier and was excited at how fast we’re getting everything done, so I wanna keep the same speed, if we can. But tell me about your day.”
“Well apparently I won’t have to race Matthew.” I chuckle.
“He made a friend?” he asks.
I nod. “Finally got an invite to a birthday party. And, someone asked him to play tag on the playground the other day.”
“Go head, Matthew,” he whoops. “See? You just had to soften him up. The opposite of what his prick of a father was trying to do.”
I burst out laughing. “Did you just call his dad a douchebag?”
“He sounds like one, so...” He shrugs before finishing the last of his salad. “Gonna save the chips for later.”
I nod, pushing my own empty container towards him so he can throw it out. “Well, it was nice to have lunch with you.”
“It was. We should do it more often.”
“You let me know when, and I’m there.”
“Will do. I’ll walk you back to your car.”
I pick up the empty picnic basket and walk to the door he holds open. When we come out of the trailer, Damir tucks me into his side as I look across the site to where the other workers are broken into circles of men, eating their lunches as well. Some of them turn around when we come closer to them, making ohh sounds. Damir chuckles and shakes his head while I smile at them.
“You’re all working overtime for that,” he jokes.
“Shit, I’ll take the extra money.” A man sitting next to Stanley laughs.
“Carlos, if you...” Whatever Damir was about to say cuts short as I feel his body stiffen.
I look up at him, noticing the muscle ticking in his jaw before I see his hard eyes staring at something. Following his gaze, I find a cop and another man walking towards where me, Damir, and the workers are.
“Not right fucking now,” Damir practically growls.
I stare at the cop, trying to figure out where I’ve seen him before. “Miller?” I ask.
Damir shakes his head. “Higgins. Just as fucking bad.”
“And the other guy?”
“Ray. Stan’s probation officer.”
He takes his arm from around me and fear suddenly fills me. About what’s about to happen. About all the possible outcomes. About why the police are here in the first place because I know it isn’t for anything good. I watch with a knot in my stomach as Damir walks towards the two approaching men. But then one of the men, the one who isn’t in a police officer but still has a badge of some sort, isn’t looking at Damir, but rather looking for someone else.
“Stanley Phillips,” Ray calls out.
My eyes swing to where I know Stanley is sitting. He pauses in talking and looks up, first in confusion, then his eyebrows draw down in obvious anger.
“Yeah?” he snaps back.
Ray waves him over, and even from here, I can see Stanley’s nostrils flare at the command. He gets up and walks over to stand beside Damir. Only then do I notice the way Damir and Higgins are glaring at each other. Higgins has a sickening smirk on his face. Then I realize where I’ve seen him before. The bowling alley, one of the cops who was at the end, staring at me and Damir damn near our entire time there.
I had never let Damir know just how much I’d notice their attention was on us that night. And after finding the ticket on his car when we came out and learning the extent of what was going on, I didn’t think he needed the reminder of how uncomfortable their stares had made me. But I feel that discomfort again right now, as Higgins looks away from Damir and his eyes come to me. There’s clear excitement in them, like he’s glad I’m here to witness this.
That only makes me all the more worried.
“What’s this about?” Damir asks.
“Some issues have come to my attention that may violate Stanley’s probation,” Ray answers.
“What? That’s bullshit,” Stanley shouts. “I’m doing the best I can. There’s no way there’s any reason for you to be here.”
“You had better calm yourself down right now before your ass ends up back in county,” Higgins yells at him, getting closer to him with each word until they’re only a few feet apart.
Too close. I can see Stanley’s hand ball into a fist and that knot moves from my stomach to my throat. I have seen this play out too many times in my neighborhood growing up, cops using the smallest excuse to arrest someone, to beat them, to shoot them.
Damir puts his hand on Stanley’s shoulder, and I can see the squeeze he gives it. I hope he understands Damir is trying to tell him to calm the hell down. This could all go very wrong, very quickly. He must know that just as well as I do.
“What seems to be the problem?” Damir inquires, looking at Ray and ignoring Higgins.
“I was informed that a man who lives at the same residence as Stanley was arrested for being in possession of narcotics. If there were drugs in the home, then that’s a violation of his probation,” Ray answers.
“What does any of that have to do with me?” Stanley exclaims. “I didn’t know anyone had anything in the house. That’s my sister’s house. I have no control over who she allows to stay there.”
Higgins scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “She’s letting her criminal brother stay there. Doesn’t really speak too highly of who she allows to live in her house.”
“What did you..” Stanley progresses, but Damir is quick to hold him back. Higgins’ hand still creeps towards his gun.
“Was the person arrested in the home?” Damir questions.
Ray shakes his head. “A few blocks over.”
“Then there’s no way to know if the drugs were ever in the home,” Damir argues. “How can he be penalized, or even held responsible, for what someone did, especially outside of his home?”
“As I told Officer Higgins.” Ray casts a sidelong glance at the officer beside him. “I wouldn’t have called Stanley in for something like that, but when an officer had a word with my superior, it became out of my control.”
Damir narrows his eyes at Higgins. He’s probably thinking the same things I am; why is he doing this and what grudge does he have against Stanley? Are the police going to begin harassing him the way they do Damir now?
“Is there anything we can do to resolve this that doesn’t include him getting arrested?” Damir asks.
“Arrested for what?” Stanley exclaims. “I didn’t do nothing. This is fucked up.”
“Stan!” Damir barks. “That isn’t helping anything. Be quiet.”
I want to beg Stanley to listen to him. But I stay silent. Especially because rather than paying attention to what’s going on in front of him, Higgins is staring at me again. I can feel it, see him from the corner of my eye, but I don’t meet his stare.
With my eyes still on Stanley, I see his nostrils flare, him glaring at Damir, a muscle ticking in his jaw. But relief fills me when he does remain quiet.
“We can do a drug test right now,” Ray says. “If he has any drugs in his system, and I mean any, he’s leaving here in cuffs. If he’s clean, then we’ll leave, but we may have to discuss other living arrangements, if where he currently resides isn’t conducive to his rehabilitation and in line with the conditions of his probation.”
“Are you willing to take the drug test?” Damir asks him.
“Hell yeah. Let’s go.” Stanley quickly agrees. “Then Ray and this damn traffic cop can get the hell away from me. Because this is all some bullshit.”
“Is there somewhere we can go?” Ray questions.
“There’s a bathroom in my trailer.” Damir points towards it.
“Thank you. After you Stanley.”
“No mouth Stan. Just take the test,” Damir warns him.
Stanley gives him a single nod before leading Ray to the trailer. I can’t take my eyes away from their disappearing forms, hoping Stanley passes the test, hoping he doesn’t say anything to get himself into trouble. Hoping this can just all be over with the drug test results.
When they go into the trailer, I look back to where Damir and Higgins are to find Higgins watching me again. But this time Damir notices as well. He walks over to me, standing in front of me so Higgins and I can’t see each other.
“Are you okay?” He asks low.
“Is he going to pass that test?” I question instead of answering.
He looks out the corner of his eyes at Higgins before answering barely above a murmur. “I made it very clear that if he ever failed a work drug test or showed up to the site impaired in any way, he would be fired, but I can’t attest to if he’s used drugs at any other time. Even though I know that he used to use them before getting arrested, I’m hoping like hell that he hasn’t gone back to that. I don’t think he has. He’s too smart for that. He’ll pass... He’ll pass.”
He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself as much as me. I open my mouth to ask another question, but the laughing, more like malicious chuckle, coming closer to us makes my mouth snap shut. Damir begins turning around, and I grip his arm trying to remind him of exactly what he told Stanley to do. Remain calm.
“Whew. You have a time of it with these pieces of filth, don’t you?” Higgins smirks at Damir. “But then again, I guess being that you’re a criminal too, you can relate so well to them.”
“Just what do you think you know about me?” Damir asks.
He arrogantly begins walking even closer to us. “Enough to know not to be fooled by this whole act you’ve got going on. See, cause I’ve heard all about you. What you used to do, who you are trying to pretend you still aren’t.” He stops now, with his chest damn near touching Damir’s. I can’t help but smirk though at him having to look up at Damir to continue holding his stare. “So, I thought I’d come here and let you know that police officers have long memories, and we certainly haven’t forgotten about you.”
“So that’s what this is all about?” Damir seethes. “You’re using Stanley to teach me some kind of lesson?”
“Oh, I think you already know the lesson. That we’re always watching you. Always ready to bring you right back to the cage you belong in. That you’re never out of our reach. This was just a...reminder of how far our reach goes.”
“If you’ve got nothing better to do with your time than watch someone who hasn’t gotten into trouble since he was seventeen...” Damir shrugs. “Then I guess that says a whole lot about the police around here.”
“We caught you, didn’t we?”
“Because I was doing something to get caught. You won’t catch me making that same mistake now.”
He tilts his head. “Hmm. All I heard you say was that you just won’t get caught. Not that you’re not doing anything.”
“Because you’re not actually listening. Maybe if I talk to you with my lawyer present, your ears would be a little more accommodating.”
“You could try, but I doubt you’d find a bleeding heart judge for your mother to beg to spare you like last time.”
At the mention of his mother, Damir stills, the muscles in his arm getting so tight, I fear he may spring forward at any moment. I step around Damir, afraid that if I don’t do something, say something, this will reach the point of no return. Higgins’ eyes slide to me, his smirk deepening.
“If you’re truly here for something to do with Stanley, then you have no business speaking with Damir,” I say. “So you can wait over there until the probation officer comes back.”
“Well I’d heard Damir was mouthy the last time an officer came to this site, but I didn’t know if you were too. Are you...mouthy?”
Just the way he says it, along with the sleezy look he gives me, makes my skin crawl.
“Mouthy enough to be willing to recount all of this when I report you. Which I’ll need your badge number for.”
He straightens up then. “Excuse me?”
“Your badge number. That’s what I need to file a complaint, right? Or is your last name enough?”
He turns slightly, making sure I can’t see his badge as he backs away, eyes narrowed on me. “You better watch yourself. Don’t go thinking you have more power than you do. I’m sure Damir can explain to you just how little you have.”
“Just enough, apparently.” Damir motions towards his retreating form.
The creaking of the door to the trailer sounds and me and Damir both turn around. Ray and Stanley are coming towards us, Stanley’s smiling, even if the rage in his eyes is clear.
“All good?” Damir asks.
“All good.” Ray nods. “Like I said, we’ll still need to discuss his living situation though. But we can just talk about that when he comes for his next check in.”
“Thanks for wasting all of our time,” Stanley says, looking at Higgins.
Higgins just grins, looks from Stanley to Damir. “I’m sure I’ll be seeing you. Both of you.”
Higgins walks back to his car and leaves. Ray shakes his head as he watches him leave, then he turns his eyes to Damir.
“I don’t know why they have such a hard-on for you, but you had better lay low. You’re on their radar big time.”
“I’m laying as low as I can.” Damir defends.
“The way they tell it, you’re some type of kingpin. They had my superior believing you’re over here getting the felons drugs instead of trying to help. You’ve got a target on your back, and it seems half the police department is trying to get a bullseye.”
“You see the way he handled them?” Stanley smiles. “He’s got this.”
“The point is to not have to handle them at all,” Damir dryly states.
Ray points at Damir. “Exactly. Do well to remember that Stanley.”
“How the hell can I not see him when he’s the cop who patrols my neighborhood?”
“You know that officer?” I ask.
He scoffs. “Know him? That’s the asshole who arrested me. Everyone knows him because he’s always mixed up in some crooked shit. You know that when you see him coming, you’re getting arrested, whether you did something or not. People will literally call each other when they see his car coming so they can go the hell inside.”
I look at Ray. “And somehow he’s allowed to continue to act this way.”
“What am I supposed to do about that? People have to be willing to file a complaint against him, see it through.”
“And nobody where I grew up is gonna do that because we know it’ll only bring more cops to our door,” Stanley adds, then says to Damir, “You already had that one dirty cop on your ass, now you’re gonna have Higgins too after today.”
“It’s nothing new,” Damir murmurs, looking pointedly at Ray. “Cops covering for each other, but no one looking out for the people the cops are harassing.”
Ray puts his hands up, as if he’s innocent in everything that just went down. “All I can do is my job. Which is why I’ll see you on Thursday, Stanley.”
Ray leaves, and Damir gets closer to Stanley. Even I can see that anger still simmering in Stanley’s gaze. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. Just sick of this shit. Even when I’m doing right, it seems like I get treated like I’m doing wrong. Kinda makes you feel like what’s the point of changing when everyone still treats you the same.”
“Because you’re changing for you, not them. The only way you can really show anyone that you’ve changed is to be consistent.”
If this situation weren’t so tragic, I would smile. To be able to see Damir this way, trying to uplift others, giving them advice that was probably said to him at some point. But the hopelessness in Stanley’s voice, the concern in Damir’s eyes, they make it hard to see the complete beauty of this moment.
“What about all this stuff they were talking about with someone getting arrested who lives with you?” Damir inquires.
“I figure they have to be talking about Xavier. I haven’t seen him for a few days, but I had no idea he’d been arrested. I’ll find out what’s going on when I get home.”
Damir nods. “I’m here Stan. No matter what you need.”
“I know. I know. I’m good though. I’m alright. Seems like the cops were just flexing their muscles with all of this.”
“But still, keep your head down. Be careful.”
“I will,” Stanley agrees, then looks at me. “Sorry, about...all of this.”
I quickly shake my head. “Don’t be. None of this was your fault.”
“Kinda feels like it is.” He sighs. “If I hadn’t done all that dumb shit before, then—”
“No,” Damir cuts him off. “You did your time. Paid for what you did. They don’t get to keep making you pay for it forever. Especially not when you’re turning your life around. This was not your fault. Don’t let them make you believe it was either.”
At the sound of rocks shifting, we all turn around. A group of workers are still there. They must have watched the entire interaction between Stanley and Ray, us and Higgins. It was easy to forget anyone else was there while focusing on the threat in front of us.
“Alright, let me get back to work,” Stanley says. “Thanks though. I did not want to spend my night in a cold ass cell.”
“Of course,” Damir replies.
Then Stanley gives me a tight smile and turns away, joining the other men. They walk to one of the unfinished buildings as Damir comes back over to me.
“I know you have to go...” Damir begins.
But the moment I wrap my hand around his forearm, I’m shaking my head. I can still feel the barely contained rage thrumming through him. His taut muscles, the hard set of his jaw. He’s like a ticking time bomb, and my worry is that some cop will come back here to harass him again, and he’ll detonate.
“Come on.” I urge him towards his trailer.
He follows without resisting. Once we’re inside, he slips out of my hold, walking over to his desk and placing his fists to the wood, head bent forward. There’s silence for a moment as I try to figure out what to say. But that silence is split when he slams his fist down on the desk. The wood on the edge of the desk splinters under his assault. I hurry to text the aid in my classroom that I might be a little late coming back from lunch. I can’t leave. Not now. As I’m putting my phone back in my pocket, Damir begins speaking, low, filled with anger and helplessness.
“I’m such a hypocrite. How can I even tell Stan to just keep his head down when I could be the one bringing trouble to him this time? This was all really about me. I just have no idea what to do about it. Where do you turn for help when the people that are supposed to help you are the ones causing the trouble?”
I don’t have any answers for him, no response for the pain in his voice. And it kills me. He doesn’t deserve this. Stanley doesn’t deserve this. But he’s all too right. He has nowhere to turn. There’s no one to help. He continues without me saying a word anyway.
“I’m always telling them to let things go. To rise above. To walk away from situations and people that are nothing but trouble. Situations like the one we were just in. Where I knew good and well that Higgins’ sole purpose here, even if he’s using Stanley to do it, was to rile me, hoping I would say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and give him an excuse to throw me back in jail. I tell them this all the time, and yet I was two seconds away from giving him exactly what he wanted. To knocking him on his ass just to see that damn smirk disappear from his face. To show that that badge and gun don’t mean shit when you’re using it to do wrong. If it hadn’t been for you stepping up...” He shakes his head. “I don’t know what the hell would have happened?”
I bite my lip, wondering if I should ask what I want to, if it’s the right time. “What did he mean? About your mother?”
Damir squeezes his eyes shut, as if whatever memory almost cost him more than he could afford to lose a few minutes ago is playing out in front of him again right now.
“It was all horrible, the last time I got arrested. Watching my dad plead with the prosecutor not to charge me as an adult, that I had my whole life ahead of me and trying to reason with him not to take the chance for me to be better away from me. The crushing guilt I could see was weighing my dad down when he told me to take the plea deal they were offering me because it would keep me from going to prison. And the immense worry I could tell he had that I would still be sentenced to juvie. I’ve never seen him appear so helpless before or since as I did when he advised me to sign that deal. I had never felt like I’d disappointed him more.
“But the worst part was when I went for my sentencing. The judge had the option to sentence me to a juvenile detention center until I turned eighteen or give me community service and probation. My mom cried as she begged the judge not to put me in the detention center. The shame I felt watching her do so much for me when I knew I didn’t deserve it fills me even now. The anger over the position I’d put my parents in with my actions. And Higgins bringing it up just makes me remember all of it again. The officers, men wearing the same uniform as he was, in the back of the courtroom watching her, snickering to each other over my mom’s tears, promising me that it was far from over as I left the courtroom.”
He looks into my eyes now, a resolve there. “I made my mom a promise, that day, as soon as we left the courthouse, that I would never be behind bars again. And I almost lost control and did something that would have broken that promise today.”
“I for one can understand why you’d want to permanently imprint your fist into Higgins’ chest for trying to throw that moment in your face,” I say while shaking my head. “There has to be something we can do. Even if it is getting a lawyer like you threatened to.”
“But where would that get me? Even if a judge somehow believed me and Higgins got suspended, or somehow in hell, even fired, it won’t end with Higgins. There’s still Miller and a shitload of others cops ready to step into his shoes, to come to this site or my other ones, to my apartment, trying to stir shit up.”
He releases a breath as he sits down, and it’s filled with knowing there’s no end to this. His next words only prove that’s what he’s feeling to me.
“The doubt in my own words is deeper than ever. How can I tell Stan, or Carlos, to change, to do better, when I’ve changed, proved I’m on the right track for years and years, and yet, I’m still dealing with the sins of my past? Still reaping the consequences of what I sowed so long ago. I told them they don’t need anyone to believe they’ve changed, don’t need the police to believe they’ve changed. But I’m seeing more and more just how wrong I am in saying that. Because I’ve changed, I know they can see it, and I’m getting damn tired of them treating me like I haven’t.”
I walk over and stand between him and the desk. His arms go around my waist and his forehead comes to my stomach. I cradle him against me, giving what little comfort I can.
“I see you trying,” I say low. “Your parents see it. Your workers see it. The ones who know you and matter see it. Don’t doubt yourself, Damir. It’s what they want. Don’t give that to them. Don’t become what they want you to; bitter, anger, consumed with thoughts of them. They aren’t worth you losing yourself.”
I feel his shoulders fall at my words, losing some of their tension. “Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for?” I ask as I put my hand under his chin, raising his face.
“For what you said to Higgins out there. For saving me from myself, even if you didn’t know you were. For staying right now.”
I smile down at him. “I’m always here for you. No matter what. That’s what love is, right?”
He smiles back at me, and I savor that smile. I know it can’t be easy to give me one right now.
“Right,” he agrees.
I stay until I get another text from the aide, asking when I’ll be able to get back to the school. Only once I’m back in my car do I let my own worries wash over me. Because although no one who witnessed what just happened at the site would think it was the end of things between Damir and the police, I feel even more that it’s the beginning of something else. Another level of harassment. Another level of them showing exactly how far they’re willing to go to get to Damir. Another level of proving the lengths they’re willing to go to. And it scares me more than I want Damir to know. More than I want to even admit to myself. Because then I have to ask myself... What’s next?
