Chapter 10

‘I can’t go even one day without drinking; quitting alcohol fills me with a sense of dread.’

When I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol, it took me quite a few attempts to get through ‘day one’ (or even ‘week one’) without wine. To be honest, I don’t think there are many people who succeed at their first attempt and I was certainly no exception. Here I was, aged 44, having drunk red wine pretty much every night for over twenty years, so it’s natural that I’d predict that quitting was going be a punishing struggle.

I still remember when I’d made it through my first day without drinking and it was the early evening of day two. My wife and I went for a run (one of my favourite hobbies) and while we were out, I was full of internal conflict. I couldn’t focus on what I was doing because of the huge, swirling mass of mixed messages about red wine in my head. Half of my brain was saying that I ‘couldn’t’ have a drink tonight because it was day two of my new sober life and I was working to be alcohol-free. Yet the other half was screaming that I deserved one because I’d had a stressful day at work and I didn’t drink yesterday, so I had every reason to reward myself today. I started talking to my wife about how I was feeling and before I knew it, I had juddered to a halt on the street as tears poured down my face, with her hugging me like a child who’d fallen off his bike.

Well, I did drink that night, but I continued to work towards a life of freedom. After a few more failed attempts and a little more time, I was able to cut alcohol out of my life forever and not look back. I did it: I stopped. I didn’t drink that final night and never, ever drank again (and never will). The reason I unlocked the door to true freedom was because I had changed my mindset. I was no longer thinking that I couldn’t have wine, but that I didn’t want it. I also went into my new sober life with a sense of excitement about what was ahead of me, rather than feeling deprived because I’d lost something. This involved reframing my thinking: what treats did I have to come? I couldn’t wait to find out.

Annie Grace says that ‘your expectations shape your experience’ and this is so true. If you approach sobriety with a sense of loss, and tell yourself it’s going to be hard, or you aren’t going to have fun any longer, that’s probably what will happen. You have the power to shape your experience, so you should be mindful of negative and unhelpful self-talk. Try and catch yourself when you do it and recast your assumption to new positive statements that are still true for you (see Chapter 23 for more on this).

When I started out, I had to go through a process of undoing my beliefs because I’d relied on wine to unwind at the end of every single day for so long. In my mind, alcohol was the elixir of happiness, so I wrote down all the things I loved about wine, each of which I believed to be totally true.

● it made me relax;

● it eased my anxiety and worries;

● it made things more fun (I was hilarious and super-witty with wine inside me, right?), and

● it tasted good.

After several weeks sober, I looked back at that same list and started to dig deep into the statements, like a detective in a search of the truth. I approached them with an open mind and was totally honest in my answers. Below are the responses I wrote when I reflected back on my original statements:

I thought it made me relax, but in reality, it only enabled me to forget what was on my mind until the following day. What’s more, I could become quite aggressive and unreasonable after I had a drink. The truth is that alcohol didn’t make me relax, it only made me an arrogant arsehole. I remember seeing a video of myself after I’d been drinking and feeling embarrassed about the way I was behaving and talking to people.

All alcohol does is take away what it gave you, and then pay it forward. What I mean by this is that it may feel like your pain has been eased during the time you’re drinking, but the next morning your problems and anxieties are still unresolved. Nothing has gone away just because you had a drink. After a night of boozing, I would wake up with my anxiety feeling worse than the day before; my worries were still there, but now in blindingly high definition. Over time, quitting alcohol caused the dark clouds of anxiety and worry to drift away and never come back. The sun came out, and I’m now happy to have it shining on me for the first time in a long time.

Having a long period of not drinking to look back on now, I can see that if an event is fun, it’s fun, regardless of alcohol. If you attend a rubbish, boring function, it’s still rubbish and boring whether you have alcohol or not. Likewise, a fun night out with great friends is entertaining (even more so) without alcohol. Alcohol does not make anything more fun.

Can you remember how you reacted the first time you tasted an alcoholic drink, especially a neat spirit like vodka or whisky? I wouldn’t mind betting you didn’t compliment the wonderful taste or the smell of it! When I first tried drinking as a teenager it almost made me sick, but I pretended I liked it and eventually became used to it. That’s because when we first try it our bodies send us a message that ‘this stuff is bad’. They don’t want it, but after we experience the first rush of endorphins our brains take over and we start to crave the same hit again. That’s why I kept persevering and ended up being hooked on the addictive substance contained within the drink (which is what it’s designed to do).

So what’s the key to alcohol freedom? It’s to delve into your beliefs and reach a place where you can change your mindset, so that alcohol becomes small and insignificant in your life. Once this change happened in my mind, I knew I was ready to successfully get through my first day without drinking and stick with it long-term. It felt so different once my beliefs and assumptions had shifted, and I found myself feeling excited about getting stuck into my new sober life.

However, I’m not going to sugar-coat it for you: the first days and weeks can be challenging. You’re going through a huge life change, but with all the support groups, sober books and wonderful alcohol-free drinks around, you can turn it from being a hardship into something to embrace. I now consider myself ‘passionately sober’. It isn’t a chore and I’m not deprived; I love my new life, and I love that I am happy again – I can’t remember feeling this at peace since I was a child. I just wish I’d kicked the booze sooner, but I look forward instead of backwards.

If you’re struggling to move past your first few days without alcohol, here are five actions you can take:

1. Arm yourself with some good sober books. This Naked Mind is the best in my opinion, but also check out Alcohol Explained by William Porter and The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley.

2. Join some sober groups on Facebook. These are online communities filled with people at different stages of their journeys. You can share your experiences and receive advice and support from the other members, and they’re also a great place to meet new people. I’ve found them to be an amazing support tool and have come across so many inspirational, caring, and supportive people through this kind of network. You can join the free, private Be Sober group by following the link on the website: www.besober.co.uk.

3. Join the 30-day Alcohol Experiment at www.thealcoholexperiment.com by Annie Grace. This is an excellent and free programme with daily videos that are structured to take you on a path of discovery about your relationship with alcohol. It enables you to start bringing your beliefs into the light, and to question whether they’re actually true.

4. Arm yourself with plenty of alcohol-free drinks and have fun trying them out. This has been one of the most fun parts of sobriety for me, because there are so many amazing and wonderful grown-up drinks that don’t contain alcohol. There’s a whole new world of flavours waiting to be discovered, so go forward and enjoy it.

5. Have fun, get excited and enjoy the journey! There really is nothing to fear. Although it may feel like you’re losing something from your life, the truth is you’re gaining a lot more. Being sober is a gift that never stops giving; even though it may not feel like it at the start, it’s the truth.

‘Many of us here in the group are back at ‘day one’ and I’ve been thinking about this. Obviously, I had a million relapses before I managed to quit so I sympathise. I think it’s really important to pinpoint the exact minute you decided to drink. There was a point yesterday when you weren’t drinking, then a minute later that changed. You had to go through all the steps: making the decision, getting the alcohol, opening it, finding a glass, pouring it, picking it up, and drinking it. Lots and lots went into that simple decision. You could have stopped at any point. So I wonder why we don’t? For me, when I decided to drink, wildfire couldn’t have stopped me. I would manipulate everyone or rage at anything in my way. I didn’t even see it as a ‘relapse’ – it was simply me changing my mind about drinking and everyone else could go f**k themselves.

This only changes when you stop wanting to drink – when you stop associating it with reward and pleasure. It isn’t easy to disassociate – after all, we were fed a lifetime of misleading information that alcohol would enhance our lives! Once we accept that alcohol holds no appeal – that it’s a poisonous substance – then we can move on and fill our lives with other stuff.

The good news for anyone who has relapsed this weekend is that you’ve been sober before. You’ve already had days or weeks sober. So you know you can do it. Try and remember the moment you changed your mind, go back in time and think about exactly what your trigger was. Remember HALT – never get too hungry, angry, lonely (bored) or tired. Cravings are awful and powerful, but they do pass. Even something as simple as drinking a pint of water can stop them.

Good luck everyone this week – we all fall down but it’s getting back up that counts.’

Chapter 10

I can’t move past ‘day (or week) one’