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‘I’ve had a drink after I quit and feel like a failure.’
It’s important to understand that almost everyone slips up – it’s part of the journey. I’ve been where you are now, feeling like a failure after promising myself (and my wife) over and over again that I was going to stop, only to find myself finishing off a bottle of red wine later that evening. It took me so many attempts to even move past day one; after all, I’d drunk every day for twenty-plus years. Believe me when I say that if I managed to find freedom, you can too.
It can be easy to allow negative self-talk to creep in and to start calling yourself a failure after trying to quit alcohol for the hundredth time and still having a drink. My advice is to take a step back and a deep breath (as well as reading Chapter 23 about negative self-talk). Gaining long-term sobriety is a bit like a toddler learning to walk for the first time: we’re all new on this journey and need to learn from our mistakes. So to start with we walk a little and then we fall flat on our faces – ouch! Next time, we walk further but when we fall, we know to put our hands out to avoid smashing our face. From here we start to understand how to stay balanced and walk longer distances, and before we know it, we’re taking bolder steps and rarely falling down. With more practice and growing confidence, we’re able to walk for miles without toppling over. Nobody ever learned to walk without trial and error, and we all master it in the end.
First of all, you’re not a failure. The fact that you’ve realised you have a problem with alcohol and want to change your relationship with it is the first step on the journey, so well done. You’re here on this page of the book, which is evidence that you’re serious about it – congratulate yourself instead of being critical. You need to treat yourself the same way as you would a good friend. Imagine if they came to you saying they felt terrible because they couldn’t stop drinking; you wouldn’t be critical of them, would you? No, you would treat them with love and compassion, and remind them how well they were doing for taking the first steps to sobriety. This is how you need to talk to yourself.
‘You only fail when you stop trying.’
The same applies if you have a drink at any point, not just at the start. Instead of seeing yourself as a failure, stop and think for a moment. Let’s say you’ve been sober for 55 days and you had one day when you drank; that’s a 98 percent success rate. Give yourself a gold star! There’s no need to become washed away by feelings of upset and despair. When you become aware that this is what’s happening, pause and look at the evidence. Then think about what you would say to a friend who told you the same story.
Having slipped up multiple times myself, I think there are a number of reasons for this we should explore when we look at our approach to quitting. Below are some of the main reasons why I see people slipping up.
We’re not sure what we’re doing. We decide to stop drinking and then try and white-knuckle it using willpower, but without the right tools or education. This usually leads to a feeling of missing out and we long for the old friend (alcohol) back in our lives, and there’s a good chance our sobriety will only be short-term.
We don’t plan for our sober journey. I do a lot of marathon running and would never find myself on the start line without having trained for the event. Sobriety is similar in its need for planning, and we should ensure we’re prepared for what lies ahead. This can involve writing in our journals, including the pros and cons of drinking and why we’re giving it up, as well as thinking about what alcohol-free alternatives to have instead, reading books to expand our knowledge and choosing activities for our extra spare time. We should also keep recording how we feel, take the time to visualise upcoming events, log our progress, and describe how we want ourselves to be in twelve months from now.
We don’t look at the data. When we slip up and take a drink, it’s important to look at the reasons why. What triggered it to happen? Because when we use slip-ups as a way of working out how to deal with triggers in the future, this is where the learning comes in. There’s no need to get emotional – we can get scientific instead and examine the evidence like a detective would investigate a crime scene.
We’re not taking account of our habits. It sounds obvious, but if we were drinking in certain situations or at particular locations, it may be best to stay away from them for a while. I used to drink in the evenings in front of the television after my daughter had gone to bed, so I often went to the gym or for a run at that time, and still do; this helped to disrupt my drinking routine. If you feel cravings to drink at certain times of the day, become aware of them and disrupt the thoughts by doing something else. Over time the thoughts about drinking start to fade to almost nothing, they are strongest in the first few weeks.
We don’t change our mindset from can’t have a drink to don’t want one. This really is the key and I make no apology for repeating it throughout this book because I want to make sure it sticks. Once we change our mindset about giving up the booze it becomes a lot easier, and the chances of drinking again will reduce dramatically. If we take the time to learn about the harm alcohol does and how much better life is without it, our thinking will change and we’ll stay on the right path.
We’re not excited about becoming sober. Instead, we assume it’s a hardship. When I sign up for a marathon I throw myself into the training and focus hard on what lies ahead – the sober journey is similar. There are so many benefits that await us after quitting alcohol, many of which we don’t know about at the start. But when we do our research, we gain a good idea about what to expect; this gives us a sense of excitement about all the wonderful things in store for our minds, bodies, and lives. Then sobriety feels like an enjoyable experience of self-discovery and growth, which leads to a higher chance of success.
We fear that life won’t be fun any longer. What if our friends don’t like us sober? What if we can’t do it? What if we end up missing out? What if we fail? The list could go on; the point is that we have to face these fears in order to become sober and – this is the good news – they’re never as bad as we imagine. In fact, most of them end up being the complete opposite, especially if we can embrace and enjoy our sober life. Bring it on!
We forget that everything must pass. When we feel down or crave a drink, we forget that the feelings will go and soon we’ll feel normal again. Let’s not be swept away by the thoughts about drinking that crowd our heads; instead, let’s sit back and let them pass by. Meditation is a great tool for managing them.
We don’t realise that failure is part of the journey to success. You need to be bad at something before you can become good at it – don’t expect perfection right away. Think about the sportspeople who are the best in their field; they don’t reach the pinnacle of their chosen sport without failing (often many times) first. If you recognise that slip-ups are part of the learning process, you’ll train yourself not to become emotional and upset when they happen. Instead, you can become stronger and use them as an opportunity to learn.
We go it alone. This is where sober groups come in, because we need to be able to share our feelings. We can also help others by talking about our own experiences. In addition to online networks, there are local face-to-face meetings – whatever works best for you. Remember the power of accountability (more in the next chapter about this).
So please don’t call yourself a failure; I know from experience how it feels, and it’s horrible. Believe me when I say that if you take the time to research, prepare, and embrace sobriety, you will stand a fantastic chance of staying sober long-term. But don’t expect to be perfect at the first attempt. This is a journey of learning, and it’s guaranteed to have its ups and downs. The good news is that the ups come far more regularly than the downs, so in the end, you’re a winner.
‘Day 6 – I failed after my day 10, but I feel more positive this time. My mind is clear as I prepare my diary for the week.’
Facebook group post by SK, Tyne and Wear, UK