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‘I want to be accountable to other people, I just don’t know how to do it.’
Accountability has always played a huge part in my sober journey, especially in the early days. I found the more people who knew what I was doing, the more I didn’t want to let them (or myself) down; it also gave me additional support because there were people to keep an eye on me to ensure I was okay. Thank you to everyone to whom I made myself accountable in those early weeks and months – I can’t tell you how much it helped.
So what is accountability? There are two types that I’ve experienced:
1. When you make yourself accountable to someone and vow you won’t let them down by letting yourself down. This is what I did with my wife, family, and closest friends.
2. When you help someone who has the same problem as you, by mentoring them or teaming up together; you’re taking on a role that makes you feel responsible. By virtue of the relationship, you become accountable because you want to support them.
Everyone is different in terms of what works for them. I found that I thrived by steadily ramping up the accountability, and then ended up moving to a place where I was helping other people to change their own relationship with alcohol. However, not everyone is comfortable talking openly about their problems with drinking and may not want this kind of pressure; that’s completely fine, and you have to do what you feel is right. You don’t have to tell the entire world about what you’re doing to gain accountability. One great way is to join sober groups, such as the Be Sober group on Facebook, and share your story with other people on the same journey; this is a way of making yourself accountable in a safe space and it’s just as powerful as doing it in the real world. Don’t underestimate the power of Facebook sober groups – the people in them can be your guiding light when you’re wandering in a world of darkness.
The ‘carrot and stick’ accountability approach
A few months ago, I coached a lady who wanted to tell her teenage daughter about her drinking, but was worried about how she might react. She’d got herself into quite a state about having the conversation, so she kept putting it off even though she hadn’t had a drink for over a month and was doing brilliantly. I, therefore, suggested that instead of making it a scary and serious conversation, she should rethink her approach and make it fun.
It turned out that her daughter loved nothing more than being taken out to go clothes shopping, so I had the idea that she could make it into a bit of a game and get her daughter involved. The lady told her daughter that if she reached 60 days sober she would take her shopping for new clothes and her daughter could have £50 to spend on them; however, if she slipped up, the budget for clothes would double to £100. Her daughter thought it was great and got really excited about the game. She spent every day supporting her mum, checking up on her and holding her hand through the journey. Not only did it strengthen the bond between mother and daughter, it also made the process easy for them to talk about.
You’ll be pleased to know she made it through 60 days with those teenage eyes on her, and is still alcohol-free. I also bet her daughter has been inspired by what she’s learned from her mum. Best of all, they had a wonderful shopping trip together!
The fact is that there are plenty of different ways you can make yourself accountable. Telling the whole world can feel scary. Although that also feels like the right thing to do for some of us, just talking to those closest to you might feel right for you. But whatever you choose, do take the time to give it plenty of thought and decide how you’re going to make yourself accountable – don’t go it alone, because you deserve to have support around you.
Five tips for staying accountable
1. Make a list of everything you have to lose if you start drinking again. While this may sound negative, it also helps you to remain focused on what you’ve gained. It will also prompt you to ask yourself if you want things to return to the way they were before. Chances are your relationships with your family, friends, and children have improved, your performance at work has risen, and your mental health has soared. Do you want to lose all of that for the sake of a drink?
2. Find a partner or mentor. If you’re a member of an online sober group, it is fairly easy to find an accountability partner who you can team up with to give mutual support. They’re the person you can reach out to if you’re having a hard time, experiencing cravings, or thinking about drinking. Some Facebook groups have free mentor programmes to make partnering up a simple process.
3. Tell people. We’ve covered this already, but I want to reinforce the point. The more people you talk to about what you’re doing, the more eyes you’re going to have on you. It makes a significant difference, because the support you’ll gain will guide you through any difficult times you encounter.
4. Create an accountability statement. Write this down, but make sure you only put what you mean and intend to see through. Mine simply said: ‘I will never put alcohol before my daughter, wife and mental health again.’ This statement is not open to any form of negotiation, so you have to ensure you can deliver on what you commit to.
5. Celebrate your success. You’ll save plenty of money when you stop drinking, so you can celebrate your successes and milestones by planning treats for yourself. I love relaxing spa days as they’re a great way to unwind, so I rewarded myself with one after my first 30 days without drinking.
‘A friend of mine admitted today that he is struggling with drinking. He sent a message saying he was calling time on his benders. Every time we all go to a gig or a festival we get completely trolleyed and it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy whenever we are together. His message today rang really true to the point that I called him and said:
“You know what mate, my relationship with alcohol is exactly the same – you are not on your own. I have no off switch, I drink until I pass out, I can’t have a couple, and I’ve got a problem.”
That’s why I’ve joined this group – I want to get out of this cycle I find myself in. I have a great wife and family, and I love what I do for a living, but I’m a complete failure when it comes to alcohol. I’m feeling anxious and hungover right now due to my activities last night. I have a leaving do tomorrow night and the thought of not having a drink there seems completely crazy. I’m determined not to because I want to change my relationship with drinking.
I hope my ramblings make sense, I guess I wanted to take the first steps and hold myself accountable.’
Facebook group post by LD, Manchester, UK