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‘I wish my partner would stop drinking and start encouraging me instead.’
The daily routine was like clockwork. I would head to the shop during the day to ensure I wouldn’t run out of wine that evening, then as soon as my daughter had retired to her room the Shiraz would start to flow. Even the process of releasing the cork would instigate a feeling of relaxation. When I eventually went sober and looked back on that, it proved to me how much of my dependency was in my mind. How could I gain a feeling of relaxation just by removing a cork? Alcohol was playing with my feelings without me even drinking any of it.
I used to get snappy when my daughter wouldn’t go to bed earlier than usual so I could start drinking sooner; I hate myself for it now, but I wanted her out of the way so that I could get stuck into the wine. I was putting alcohol before the most important people in my life – that’s how much power I’d given it. This included my wife, who would often have one or two glasses along with me, then watch me go through the rest of the bottle and start on a new one. She never said anything but, just like the neighbours probably had, she must have noticed the empties clanging in the recycling bin.
When my wife drank with me it made me feel better because I was less aware of exactly how much I had consumed, and I also didn’t feel like a lone drinker (although it did make me feel possessive if she had too much of my wine). In my heart, I knew I was having most of the booze and that my drinking was out of control, but I carried on for years by pushing the nagging thoughts to the back of my mind.
When I finally found the power to stop drinking, I didn’t expect my wife to give up as well. She didn’t have a problem, so why should she? This was about me, not her. The last thing I wanted her to think was that I was forcing my new lifestyle on her or judging her for continuing to drink. We spoke in depth about the books I’d read and the path I was choosing to take; she held my hand all the way and was there for me through the highs and the lows. She’s been so supportive of my alcohol-free life and I need her around – she’s a massive part of my support team. She even thoughtfully volunteered to switch her ‘go-to’ drink from red wine to Prosecco, as we agreed that having my usual tipple around wasn’t a good idea.
Over the first month or two, my wife witnessed the amazing benefits I was gaining from not drinking. While she’d never been a heavy drinker like I was, she decided to cut back anyway and chose only to drink at the weekends (she now drinks Nosecco, a zero percent Prosecco, during the week). When she does drink alcohol she’s one of those people who can have a glass or two and stop (why couldn’t I have been built like that?). I have no problem whatsoever with her drinking around me – it doesn’t make me want to drink as well. I now feel so liberated from alcohol that I sometimes even pour her drink or open the bottle, without any desire to take a sip. This is somewhat unbelievable to me, but if I can do it then – over time – so can you.
My experience of having a partner who still drinks is that I need to accept it. I shouldn’t expect her to become sober as it’s her choice to do what she wants and I love her no matter what. So long as it’s not having a negative impact on us both, there’s no problem. The most important aspect for me, especially in the early weeks and months of going sober, was that I put myself first and didn’t worry about what anyone else was (or wasn’t) doing.
I appreciate I’m lucky because if my wife had, for example, drunk large amounts of my trigger drink (red wine) each night, I’m sure I would have found the sober journey more of a struggle. It might have led to some uncomfortable conversations, as I’d have felt I needed to say something about her cutting back or switching to a different drink.
So what happens when your partner just won’t change?
The non-‘perfect world’ scenario
I believe your partner should be nothing but supportive of you if you’ve quit alcohol. While they shouldn’t feel forced to change their behaviour, if they care about you, they’ll make sure they don’t do anything to make your life more difficult. Over time they may even reassess how much they’re drinking themselves, like my wife did.
Of course, this is a ‘perfect world’ scenario. I’ve seen many posts from alcohol-free members of the Be Sober group in which they talk about how their partner is still drinking regular excessive amounts and has no intention of changing their ways. I’ve even read stories about partners being angry because they’ve lost a drinking buddy, and encouraging their other half to drink with them. This is a difficult situation, because sobriety has to come first and if you’re around someone who’s toxic it’s not going to help.
What’s more, if you’ve tried to quit multiple times before, your partner may think it’s just another phase and expect you to fail. Be gentle with them and yourself, because this time you can make a lasting change. The first step is to have a grown-up conversation: explain what you’ve achieved, how much better your life is now you’re not drinking, and that you’d hoped for more encouragement and support on your journey. Don’t allow this conversation to turn into an argument. I suggest planning what you’re going to say before you say it; write it down, visualising how it will go and the outcome you’d like at the end of it.
It’s rare, but if your efforts to talk don’t work then it may be worth bringing in some mediation or counselling to dig more deeply into where the problem lies. But please believe me, it’s unusual for it to come to this and partners generally do change their views, even if it can take a while.
The key thing to realise is that your partner can still be supportive of you while continuing to drink themselves: helping you on your sober journey is not incompatible with them continuing with their own alcohol consumption. Having said that, from my experience of working with people who’ve quit alcohol and who have partners who still drink, I’m pleased to confirm that in almost every case, the partner ends up choosing of their own accord to make a change. Sometimes, it can take time and they have to see the transformation appearing in their partner first, but when they do, they become inspired and want a piece of the action.
I can’t put a timescale on how long this takes because everyone is different. The most important thing is to never pressure or preach, but to let your actions do the talking – they’re far more powerful than being judgy or forcing your views down your partner’s throat. I’ve tried to imagine how I would have reacted if it was my wife who’d quit alcohol and then attempted to make me stop. Of course, I hope that after she’d shone a light on my problem, I would have realised it was the right thing to do for my own good. But in reality, I’m pretty sure I would have fought back until I decided for myself that I needed to quit. The desire to change can only come from within the person who needs to do it – it can’t be forced on someone.
‘I have not had a drink since the 7th of March. It has not been easy but so worth the fight. It is really nice to remember all of my days. I have so much more energy and I wake up feeling refreshed. My kids are proud of me but they are asking why dad has not stopped drinking.
I did not realise how bad it was. Today, I had to pick my husband up off the ground from the front of the house where he fell asleep looking under the car. I was so embarrassed, as our front faces the rest of our condo neighbours.
Any suggestions as to how to get him to see what this is doing to our family? This is not the first time, but it is the first time I have seen it being sober.’ - Facebook group post by SH
‘I’ve recently had my wedding anniversary and it got me thinking about my relationships and how drastically things have changed since I stopped drinking. This is my first sober boyfriend – my husband.
We met when I was three years alcohol-free. After I gave up the booze, I was single for three years. All my relationships had been draining, unbalanced and dysfunctional when I drank. After giving up, I realised that alcohol had always been a third party in each of those relationships. No wonder nothing ever worked for me! I would make one wrong choice after another and tell myself I attracted horrible partners. When I got sober I realised that I CHOSE each and every one of them. They all drank too much as well – obviously!!
When alcohol was out of my system and out of my life, I finally took the time to figure out what I wanted from a relationship. It took a while to get that clarity, but it was worth it. Some things can’t be rushed. My husband is my first sober choice and every day proves that it was the right choice. I told him that I’d had a drinking problem on our second date and it was not an issue for him. He asks me to this day if it’s OK for him to have a beer at home. I appreciate it so much, even though the answer in 99 percent of cases is yes. Give it time. Let yourself recover a bit more. Take time to figure out what you want. It’s worth it.’
Facebook group post by AC, Portsmouth, UK