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‘If I quit drinking, I won’t have a social life.’
For almost all my adult life, just about every social occasion involved drinking. The thought of going out with friends for an evening without sinking a few pints of beer or glasses of wine seemed ridiculous – why would anyone do that? There was no point going if alcohol wasn’t involved. Of course, I couldn’t stop drinking after a few pints of beer – once I started I was on a mission to put away as many as I could, as quickly as possible. What’s more, whenever I went out for the evening drinking with friends I would always make sure there was a bottle of red wine waiting at home for a nightcap. I even remember evenings when I got back so drunk the room would be spinning, but I’d still break the wine open and keep going. This resulted in numerous visits to the bathroom to be sick (assuming I actually made it there) as well as some fairly painful falls up the stairs as I attempted to make my way to bed in the early hours. Not that I felt any pain at the time, but the bumps and bruises the next morning gave me a visual reminder that my drinking was out of control.
I used to laugh at people who didn’t drink. I believed they were missing out and had boring, sad little lives lacking in happiness and enjoyment. How wrong I was, because since I stopped I’ve discovered that in social situations, I can have just as much fun (in fact, more) when I’m sober.
It took me a while to learn this, though. In the month after I quit, I chose to avoid every social situation at which drink might be involved; I’d committed myself to a sober life but was still fragile and finding my feet. Mixing with heavy drinkers and people who thought it would be a good idea to encourage me to drink was not a good idea at this stage. By the way, I’m not suggesting you have to stay away from all socialising – that’s just what I did because it made sense for me. You need to decide what’s right for you, and by thinking about it ahead of time you’ll ensure you’re prepared.
It ended up taking around three months before I felt ready to venture into an environment where the drink would be flowing. When the evening of the first social outing came I was really nervous, but I felt prepared and even enjoyed myself (leaving at 10:30pm when the drunk people started to become loud, annoying, and repetitive). After the first social event was out of the way, I felt more relaxed and have been out many times since then. However, I still avoid certain friends who I know might pressure me to drink, and there are particular locations that don’t appeal to me as a non-drinker, so I stay away. I’ve found that some social events just aren’t worth attending after all. Who knew?
My work Christmas party is an example of how socialising has become a pleasure since giving up alcohol. Everyone was so drunk I was able to quietly slip off and drive myself home at midnight. Nobody even noticed. I still had a turn on the dancefloor and plenty of laughs and good conversations, but once everyone was drunk, it wasn’t much fun anymore and I enjoyed having the freedom of leaving when I wanted.
Whenever I attend a social event at which I know drink will be flowing, I go armed with a plan, and I’ve found the best strategy is visualisation. Beforehand, I create a clear picture in my mind of how the evening will go. I visualise everything, from what I’m wearing, through to walking through the door, to being offered my first drink. I play it like a movie in my head, and arm myself with what I’ll say when I’m offered a drink and how the conversation will go. I’ve found this strategy to be incredibly effective; in the early days, I’d write my vision of the event in my journal and then compare it with the reality the next day.
Another helpful strategy is to find out ahead of time if there will be suitable alcohol-free drinks available. If not, I often take my own. I also keep an eye on my glass to make sure I don’t pick up the wrong one. If you are asked about your dietary requirements ahead of an event you can write ‘I don’t drink alcohol’ on your response.
Friendships and alcohol
My experience has highlighted the fact that many of my friendships were based around drinking. If this is the case for you too, you may find these friends react badly to you going sober because, as they see it, they’ve lost a drinking buddy. They might also think their own behaviour is being judged. So you may have to ask yourself if these are true friendships, or whether you just had a common love of alcohol. Proper friends will be supportive of your new sober lifestyle and would never consider trying to make you have a drink.
You could also find that you start spending less time with some of your old drinking buddies because you don’t share the same interests any longer. On the flip side, you’ll also find new friends with whom you can probably form much stronger relationships.
That said, a couple of my biggest drinking friends have actually quit drinking after seeing the positive changes I’ve made to my life, and our relationships are now better than ever. We go running instead of drinking these days.
Because alcohol is no longer in charge and we’re picking and choosing what we do with our social life, it’s natural to explore new interests. The best thing of all is that we now do everything with a clear mind, and find ourselves fully present when we go out socially. Because we aren’t drunk, we get to remember everything.
After a few months without drinking, I found that I was extra motivated to get out and explore new interests. I’ve been travelling more, blogging more, and spending way more time with my daughter (without snapping and arguing with her). I have so much energy to do things that I regularly go to the gym and run it off. I’ve even made connections in the sober world through online groups and real-world events, and have found these friendships to be far more honest and true because they are not based around drinking. In fact, I now find myself with the best social life I’ve had in over two decades.
‘Day 534.
Yesterday me and the bearded one hosted a barbecue (in the rain!) for my niece's 15th birthday. It was chaotic, noisy, wet, messy and absolutely brilliant. All the family that could make it came and we all chipped in with food and made the day a special one for my niece who is growing into one hell of a beautiful, sweet-natured, naturally cool and talented young woman. There were big belly laughs, and deep meaningful conversations, wistful rememberings and mutual feelings of nostalgia. No drama, no spite, no tears or tantrums. The day turned to evening and with full tummies and aching grins we said long-drawn-out goodbyes in the typical British style of saying "right, I'm off" every 5 minutes until finally leaving an hour later.
It was only towards the end that I realised that not one person had drunk an alcoholic drink at all throughout the entirety of the celebrations. There had been no need. Our good cheer came from the vibe that I'm proud my family and I were able to create in my garden in spite of the miserable weather. Our perseverance in the damp weather paid off as the sun came out in the evening and dried out the garden enough for us to have a fire for the children to roast marshmallows over and feast in the excitement of playing in the dark past bedtime, while the remaining grown-ups rewarded our hard work with tea and leftover cake (that might have just been me).
It was midnight by the time I snuggled into bed, my hair still smoky from the fire pit and ears buzzing from the noise of the day. I anticipated having a difficult time getting to sleep after being so wired from laughter, conversation and sugar. But my happy, sleepy brain mellowed into slumber as soon as my head hit the pillow. A rarity for me indeed.
I never tire of waking up on a sunny morning after a good night free from a hangover, feeling rested and happy to reflect over the evening's events without the beer fear clawing through my chest and my brain, or searching my memory for snatches of regretful conversations and actions that I'd soon need to plan redemption for. Stretching out in bed this morning, I savoured that wholesome feeling while the kids slept on through their sugar hangover, feeling grateful for the stronger connections I now have with my family, and the work we're all putting in separately and together to be better in ourselves and together.
I love my bat shit crazy family. They're hard work, they're complicated, often strange, sometimes drama queens, but always mine. There may be a lot of things we would all choose to change about our family history, but I'm proud of where we've been, and optimistic about where we're heading.’
Facebook group post by Amy Louise Harding-Smith, UK
‘5 months ago today I took my last sip of alcohol. I have gained so much strength and self-respect. I would never have thought just by quitting alcohol I would feel the way I do. Sobriety suits my personality, I love sober me. I hated myself when I was drinking but I never knew why. Now I do, because alcohol had no positive benefits – I can't even think of one.
The amount of times I've made a complete arse of myself because I drank to get drunk. I don't ever want to go back there. The only times I've been tempted to drink over the last 5 months is at events with other drinkers (a wedding and a music concert). I felt self-conscious and thought I would be more relaxed in this environment if I had a drink. That helped me to realise that when I did use alcohol I would feel nervous, drink, and then carry on and drink waaaay too much, ending up hating myself the next day because I would have humiliated myself in some way. I was sick of the aftermath of drinking, which is why I eventually quit. My goal is to enjoy parties, concerts and festivals without the alcohol that gave me fake confidence. The longer I go without alcohol the stronger and happier I am. I feel like my life has just begun and what a great feeling that is.
I love this group... it's so inspiring.’
Facebook group post by VJ, 45, Bournemouth, UK