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‘Alcohol helps me deal with challenging emotions; without it I wouldn’t be able to cope.’
I always used to find an excuse to drink. Whether I’d had a good day, a bad day, or an indifferent day, I managed to find a reason. But I definitely found it easier to justify drinking when I was experiencing some kind of emotional upset. I’d drink so I could forget for a few hours whatever it was that had made me feel bad, then stumble into bed and have a night of restless, broken sleep while my head spun like an overloaded washing machine.
Did the alcohol solve my problem? No, it simply moved it out of sight for a bit; I never faced up to the actual issue that was causing me fear, pain, worry, or anger. To make matters worse, I’d wake up with a hangover which would cause my anxiety to go through the roof, putting me in an even worse mood. It’s rather like the way in which a payday loan company solves a short-term cash shortage, but makes you pay it back with interest. I’d drink again to feel better, and the vicious cycle of drinking, suppressing the emotion, and being grumpy would go on and on.
The fact is that the car bumper stickers are true: ‘shit happens’. There’s no avoiding it, and if we go through life pretending we won’t face challenges and tough times we’re being totally unrealistic.
Now, without alcohol in my life, I have to handle my emotions and reactions raw and real, because I’m no longer thinking with a brain infused with Shiraz. While this sounds difficult, I actually find myself so much better equipped to deal with problems because I feel mentally resilient and tough. Annoyances that used to cause me to have a meltdown don’t phase me any longer, or not to nearly the same extent as before. Once the problem is dealt with, I can consider the matter closed and don’t need to dwell on it – I haven’t hidden it away, ready for it to reappear later on.
When we don’t drink, we’re so much more aware of our feelings, so we quickly know if something is causing us pain. The false armour of alcohol isn’t blurring the picture. This makes it relatively easy to solve a problem quickly in a calm way, before it gets out of hand. With a little practice, you too can train yourself to handle uncomfortable emotions without the need to drink.
The truth about uncomfortable feelings
I’ve found that by accepting the following beliefs, I’ve built up a great ability to handle situations that would have previously caused an emotional reaction.
Nothing is permanent. Including emotions – they come and go, a bit like clouds passing across the sky. At the time, it can feel like a bad feeling might never pass, but it will.
Negative emotions are necessary. This is because they can help you to learn and grow stronger. Everyone has them at times.
You can’t block negative emotions. Accept that you’ll experience them sometimes. When you fight or block them it can actually make them worse; instead, learn to be aware of them, and mindful about how you allow them to affect you.
Over time, I’ve learned to watch my emotions without judgement, observing them as if I’m on the bank of a fast-flowing river. The rapids are my thoughts and feelings, and I simply watch them passing by. I never step into the water and allow them to wash me away.
Another strategy is to apply labels to your emotions when they come up. This can help you to bring them into the light, become curious about them, and see them for what they are. Keep the labels simple and observe the emotion calmly: ‘sadness’ or ‘guilt’ for example. This is a powerful technique and if you use it you’ll soon find yourself becoming tuned in to your feelings.
If I find myself with a head full of challenging thoughts and emotions, I’ll often turn to meditation and mental imagery. I close my eyes for a few minutes, calm my mind, and empty my head before visualising a sky. The clouds in the sky are my feelings, and I observe them moving past without judgement. Once the sky is clear, I gently open my eyes and return to my day feeling refreshed and calm.
Given that everybody has to handle negative emotions from time to time, it’s well worth taking the time to find a strategy that works for you. You need to be equipped to deal with them without drinking.
‘Tonight, I had a bad day. I had an argument with my ex-husband and an argument with my boyfriend, and the first thing I did was go to the shop. I spent about 10 minutes looking at the alcohol because I felt like I needed it to settle my emotions so I could get to sleep tonight. I kept picking up bottles of wine and putting them back. I wanted anything to take the pain away. I ended up buying a packet of salted peanuts, tonic water and diet coke. I got home and felt restless and deflated. I was and am yearning for something to numb the pain. If I had a drink, I would have sent messages to them both but I haven't done either. I'm messaging on here instead. I need to learn that alcohol won't fix my problems or take away the pain, it will make it a million times worse the next day. A small thing to a lot of people but a big win to me.’
Facebook group post by JL, Nottingham, UK