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‘My children have seen me drinking for years; there’s no point changing now, the damage is already done.’
I speak to many parents who are worried about talking to their children about their issues with drinking. They’re often scared that their kids have been damaged by their behaviour, and think they’re too far down the line to make a positive change. The damage to their children has already been done.
Let me tell you that if you’re thinking like this, you’re wrong.
It’s a fact that our children learn from us and copy our behaviour, and that includes the way we act around alcohol. I’m a perfect example of this. My dad drank red wine in front of me on most days and I ended up doing exactly the same because I thought it was grown-up, sophisticated, and cool. However, a couple of weeks after I quit drinking, I sat down with my daughter who was 13 at the time, and explained to her that alcohol was playing too large a part in my life. I confessed that I was putting drinking ahead of the most important things to me, and that I’d decided to make a change: I wouldn’t be drinking any longer. I also shared with her what I’d learned from the sober books I’d read, and armed her with the facts about alcohol so that she was well placed to make her own decisions as she went forward in life.
My daughter takes things in her stride, and like most teenagers, initially reacted rather indifferently to this. But after we spoke further she opened up and said that my decision made perfect sense to her – why would I keep drinking if it was causing me so many issues? She also told me I was snappy, unreasonable, and argumentative when I’d been drinking. I assured her this was going to change.
As I mentioned before, being sober is the gift that keeps on giving. A couple of days after I spoke to my daughter about why I quit drinking, she came running into the kitchen and informed me that she’d downloaded a sober ‘day counter’ app on her phone. When I asked her why, she said that because I’d quit alcohol she was going to quit fizzy soda drinks too! I thought this was really sweet and felt incredibly touched that I’d inspired her in some (strange) way. She still has the app on her phone to this day (she’s had a couple of slip-ups involving Dr Pepper, but she learned from her mistakes and has grown stronger for it). I found it fascinating that she’d been touched like this.
That conversation was so important, because it changed everything. I’d bared my soul to my daughter. By the time we finished talking she was incredibly supportive of what I was doing, and could understand why I needed to quit. I’m sure she respected me for being open and vulnerable, as well as for including her and considering her feelings.
How to involve your kids
If you have a teenage child like me and you’re worried about how they might feel about your relationship with alcohol, my advice is to sit down with them and talk. Simply tell them the truth, and I’m almost certain you’ll find accountability and support. If you have younger children, I believe you should speak to them in a way that serves to make them feel totally safe. At the same time, you can allow them to express any fears or other feelings they may have. I know it can seem hard to have this kind of conversation (admitting you aren’t perfect to someone who looks up to you is never comfortable). But believe me, you’ll earn an incredible amount of respect and your kids will sit up and pay attention to what you’re doing.
It can also be fun to involve them in the sober journey, and to get them excited by including them in things like treats for your sober milestones. Before you know it, you’ll have a valuable support crew willing you on to success. If you have a child in your house with the promise of a trip to a theme park when you reach 30 days alcohol-free, they’re going to do all they can to make sure you don’t have a drink, and you won’t want to let them down either.
Now you may be thinking that all this makes sense in principle, but does it really work? I can tell you from personal experience that it does, and here’s why.
A few months ago my daughter was staying at a friend’s house and I received the following text just before midnight: ‘Hi dad, just to let you know Ellie has got out a bottle of gin and is drinking. I’m not touching it, not interested and I wouldn’t want to let you down x.’
Now, I’m not saying my daughter will never drink; she’ll no doubt go on her own journey and I’m pretty sure she’ll explore where alcohol fits into her life. But I’m certain that if I hadn’t changed my relationship with alcohol, and if I hadn’t had the open conversations with her, there’s a high chance she would have drunk that gin and who knows where that would have led. I’ve armed her with the facts, made her think about alcohol from a new perspective, and hopefully set her up for success when it comes to making sensible decisions about drinking in the future.
Given that she’s seen me from both sides – the boozy dad and the sober dad – we often speak about my decision to remove alcohol from my life. She recently told me in no uncertain terms that she much prefers the alcohol-free version, and when I asked her why, she said it was because I’m much calmer, less moody, and more fun to be around these days. The great thing is that I also enjoy her company more, because I’m present and engaged when we do things together. Our relationship is the best it’s ever been and is going from strength to strength.
So do take the time to talk to your kids. It may help to plan what you’re going to say in advance, but I assure you it’s one of the most positive and powerful things you can do on this journey. Your children can form your greatest support team – being accountable to them is a huge motivator.
‘I made it!! Doesn’t mean it was easy... but this kid... this child of mine inspires me to be better every single day. To tell me how proud she is of me, she got me gifts and wrote me a very sweet card. For a few days last week, I actually contemplated moderation. I’m so glad I didn’t give in!! Because...
I DON’T DRINK ANYMORE!!!!!
If I can do it, YOU CAN DO IT!!’
Facebook group post by CS, Gainesville VA, USA