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‘I’m a failure – I just can’t do this.’
When we go sober, we often start from a place of low self-worth because we feel so bad about our drinking. Then, as we travel along the sober journey with all its slip-ups and setbacks, we can make life even harder by blaming ourselves for our problems and being negative about what we can achieve. Unsurprisingly, this makes us more likely to give up trying than if we’d been kind to ourselves and been able to think positive thoughts. Let’s explore how this works.
Self-criticism
If your best friend had quit drinking and told you that, after a month of being sober, they felt a complete failure because they’d had a beer at the weekend, would you:
A) Agree and tell them they’d let themselves down.
B) Point out that what they’ve achieved is amazing (one drinking day out of 30 is a 97 percent success rate), and that slip-ups are an opportunity to learn, understand, and grow stronger. You’d also offer them some support and unconditional friendship.
I’m pretty sure you’d go with the second option, wouldn’t you? And yet when we talk to ourselves, we often choose the first. We humans can be really hard and unreasonable on ourselves, and this can be damaging to our well-being. I used to do it all the time, and would often end up convincing myself that I couldn’t achieve my goal or that I wasn’t worthy enough to live a sober life. But over time, I learned to catch myself whenever negative self-talk started up. I was able to say, ‘Stop. Now talk to yourself like you would to a friend.’ This worked incredibly well for me, and I soon began to change the way that I related to my thoughts; this meant the messages from my mind became more positive.
So next time you start talking to yourself in a harsh way, try and catch yourself in the act and become aware of it. Then change what you’re saying and become your own best friend instead.
Negative thinking
I hear statements like this all the time:
‘I can never quit drinking. I’ve always been like this and will never change.’
‘I’m a failure – I just can’t stop drinking.’
‘I’m going to a party at the weekend; I know I’ll drink – I’ve already made up mind.’
‘If I keep drinking I know I’ll end up with serious health problems, but I can’t stop.’
All of the statements above (and many more like them) come from a default position of automatic negative thinking. This is when we don’t pause for a moment and think more deeply about the thought we’ve just had. Instead, we allow ourselves to believe it and then act upon it, either mentally or physically. What’s more, these kinds of negative thoughts can pop into our heads without invitation, leading to a negative mindset and low moods at random times. The result of this is that we become stuck in a loop of negativity that repeats over and over again.
The solution to disrupting this loop is to become aware of the way we talk to ourselves. A neural pathway is formed when we train our brain to do something for the first time, and after a while, it becomes a learned behaviour that we carry out as second nature. This is because our brains are developing and learning all the time, so we can create new, positive pathways instead of continuing to trudge down the old ones.
When we first learn the new way of behaving, it’s as if we’re walking through a field of tall grass. It can sometimes be tricky to navigate and we might find ourselves getting lost or going off course. As we carry out the same behaviour over and over again, the grass is flattened and a track slowly starts to form in our brain. Over time, we tread it so often it becomes the only one we walk down; we don’t even need to think about it.
These neural pathways apply to our drinking; we’ve done it for years, so it’s automatic. The good news is that if we become mindful we can change the way we think, and create pathways that lead to new and positive destinations. What’s more, once this happens the grass starts to grow over the old ones and they soon become unused and forgotten.
What all this is pointing to is the fact that you don’t have to listen to your personal negativity or ‘inner critic’; you can silence them altogether simply by becoming aware of them and choosing not to act on what you hear.
Below are the most common negative thoughts along with examples of how you might be acting on them. Each thought type is accompanied by an example of a more positive way to act, which is sure to help you achieve a long-term positive frame of mind.
Thought type: Thinking all the time
This means: Your mind produces negative thoughts constantly and you use words, like always, never, why, everyone, or everything.
Example of what you might say to yourself: It always happens to me, why does everything go wrong?
How to change your thinking: You have the power to change anything. Each day offers a new opportunity and a chance for a fresh start.
Thought type: Black and white thinking
This means: Everything is either good or bad with no in-between.
Example of what you might say to yourself: I slipped up and drank, everything is ruined.
How to change your thinking: We know this isn't true. You made a mistake and you’re upset because it matters to you; learn from it and do better tomorrow.
Thought type: Believing what you’re thinking
This means: You rely on what your feelings tell you and act on them without seeking proof.
Example of what you might say to yourself: I feel like my life will be boring if I stop drinking.
How to change your thinking: You don't know this – you haven't tried life without drinking long-term so you have no evidence. Life wasn't boring when you were young but you didn't drink then.
Thought type: Negative thoughts/filtering
This means: You always see the negative and filter out the positive, even though the positive is there.
Example of what you might say to yourself: I made a mistake at work. I’ve ruined everything and may as well quit and find a new job before I get fired.
How to change your thinking: You made a mistake today, but you’ve also had five years in the job when you didn't make a mistake and your employer values you. Everyone makes mistakes and you now have extra motivation to be even better at work.
Thought type: Thoughts of guilt and regret
This means: You allow thoughts of guilt or regret to control your behaviour and use words like 'should have', 'have to', and 'must'.
Example of what you might say to yourself: I should have gone to the gym today, but I didn't. I will never get fit.
How to change your thinking: So what, you can go tomorrow and you know you don't need to hit the gym every day to get fit. This is an opportunity to make a training programme and stick to it.
Thought type: Catastrophic thinking
This means: You always think something awful or disastrous is going to happen.
Example of what you might say to yourself: What if I didn't turn off the oven? My house will burn down.
How to change your thinking: How many of your past catastrophic thoughts turned into reality? None of them. Stay rational and learn to calm your mind and thoughts.
Thought type: Predicting the future
This means: You anticipate the outcome before it’s even happened.
Example of what you might say to yourself: I have drunk alcohol for so long, I’ll never be able to change.
How to change your thinking: These negative thoughts can be self-fulfilling. Use them as an opportunity to make a change and know that you’re probably wrong about your future predictions.
‘I don’t know about anyone else but the constant reprimanding hasn’t subsided! The negative self-talk is so loud at the moment! Going to be really gentle with myself today. The underlying emotion of it is fear. I’m fearful of not fitting in, not losing weight, not being accepted. I’m hoping that if I’m not suppressing these emotions with drink they will soon go away.’
Facebook group post by NH, Bedfordshire, UK
‘I want to share something very valuable about the importance of HOW you talk to yourself when you want to achieve something like sobriety.
Do you know that your subconscious ignores the word ‘NOT’?
Try this:
Think about chocolate.
What are you thinking about?
Yes, chocolate.
Now, don’t think about chocolate.
What are you thinking about?
Yes, chocolate (mostly).
So it’s very important to AVOID using the word ‘not’ when consciously telling yourself what you want to do.
Avoid saying ‘I WON’T drink tonight’. Instead, say ‘I WILL stay sober tonight.’
It really works! If you’re not convinced, try it the first way and listen to what your wine witch says to you – I bet she says ‘go on, have a drink’ rather than ‘don’t stay sober’. She knows the power of positive language. We need to as well, to fight her effectively.
Good luck, stay sober, enjoy all the benefits.’
Facebook group post by AB, Bedfordshire, UK