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‘I use alcohol to fill the emptiness in my life; letting go scares me.’
Having a partner or close family around us when we quit drinking provides valuable support and accountability. But we don’t all have this luxury, and even if we do it’s important that we’re well prepared for how to deal with any feelings of loneliness and boredom that may arise as we travel along the path to sobriety.
It is clear from the people I encounter in the groups I work with, the main reason they feel lonely is because they don’t have a partner or someone significant to spend quality time with. This isolation can lead them to think about drinking as a way of blotting out the discomfort, but please believe me when I say that you’re far better off facing up to these feelings than reaching for a drink.
Some people also feel lonely when they find they have had to walk away from the friends that came with their drinking. As we grow into new people, we can become less interested in the activities and people who we previously thought brought us pleasure, and I’ve seen friendships drift apart as a result of people wanting different things in life.
Quitting drinking frees up a significant amount of time in our lives. Have you ever calculated the time you spend (or spent) drinking alcohol? If not, take a moment to work it out and write it in your journal. For me, it was 20 to 25 hours a week. When I cut it out, that amounted to a serious amount of extra time on my hands and yes, on occasion, this led to me feeling slightly bored and a little lonely.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling like this at times. In fact, some people crave a life of solitude and love spending time in their own headspace. However, we humans are social creatures and it’s important to have the right balance in your life. You certainly wouldn’t want feelings of loneliness expanding into thoughts about drinking. It’s far better to do something proactive, and in this chapter, l’ll share my tips to help you combat this issue.
Ways of dealing with loneliness and boredom
Find new groups or interests. The first thing I did was to join a fitness bootcamp, and this led to me making some great new friends. It felt good to have relationships that weren’t based around drinking – they felt so much more honest and authentic without alcohol involved. Think about the activities you like to do and start searching for clubs or groups in your area.
Make a sober bucket list. Write down all the achievements you’d like to make in your alcohol-free life, and get to work on ticking them off the list. They don’t have to be huge challenges (although I’d include a few significant ones to aim for), because on this journey, even small goals feel like big wins. You might think about far-away destinations you want to travel to, that art or yoga class you never got round to joining, or it could be something more adventurous, like skydiving or rock climbing. The sky really is the limit and you can make your bucket list as long and detailed as you wish.
Practice gratitude. I mentioned this earlier as a way of coping with blue days, but it works equally well for combating feelings of loneliness or boredom. Every day, write down three to five things you feel grateful for. It could be something simple, like right now I’m feeling grateful for a lovely view from my office window of the fields and the horses lying in the sun, so I’m going to put that in my journal today. Try and do this every single day to remind yourself of the wonderful things in your life.
Check out ‘meet-up’ websites. These are dedicated to meet-ups for people who like different activities. You’ll find everything from groups for book enthusiasts, through to art and roller-skating. Take a look – you’ll very likely discover one that captures your interest and imagination.
Care for others. It might seem counter-intuitive, but looking out for the lives of others will ensure that you remain focused on taking care of your own. You could get a pet, or even just a plant to take care of. In my first few months sober, I found a local charity and spent time visiting people who were unable to leave their homes by themselves. It was immensely rewarding to visit them for a chat and a cup of tea, and I know they genuinely appreciated having someone to talk to.
You’ll have so much more energy and motivation to do things when you quit drinking that you’ll want to get out and about and involve yourself in new activities. When I first stopped, I wondered what I would do with all the extra time on my hands, yet now I struggle to fit things into my hectic schedule. How I managed to find 20 to 25 hours a week for drinking I’ll never know!
However, I did have to be proactive. If I’d sat around waiting for new friends and activities to drop into my lap, it may never have happened. So make sure you take the first steps and you’ll soon find any feelings of loneliness or boredom fading away. Above all, be patient. It can take time to discover the ‘new you’ and the person you’re becoming, but I can assure you that you’re going to be the very best version of yourself that you’ve ever been as you go on this incredible journey.
‘I feel so bloody lonely. I chase for scraps of time with my children, but teenagers aren't really interested in a mum with a drink problem unless there's something in it for them really. My husband kicked me out into a nasty housing association flat last year after 30 years of marriage and my life has been a waking nightmare ever since. I knew our marriage had problems, and the alcohol was both the problem and the solution for me. He announced to anyone who would listen that I was gone, even leaving me some of the things I needed from my old home under a bush nearby so he didn't have to actually see me. Anyway, I have a father I speak to sometimes but no other family or friends, and trying to stay sober when all I really want to do is find the courage to check out and stop pretending I'm OK when I'm really not. I'm on day two again.’
Facebook group post by MA, Rochester, UK