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‘I can’t imagine sex without a drink; I wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy it.’
If you’re like many people you may be using alcohol to loosen up and feel relaxed when it comes to sex. This can be a real barrier when it comes to quitting drinking, as it can be easy to assume your sex life will end at the same time as your alcohol habit. Please don't worry, because this isn’t the case. In fact, the opposite is true: without alcohol involved, you can experience the best sex and a level of intimacy that you may never have enjoyed before.
How alcohol affects your sex life
● Alcohol is proven to lower inhibitions; this can make it easy to end up sleeping with someone you don't really know, love, or trust (which can lead to feelings of regret and low self-esteem).
● With lowered inhibitions comes the increased risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancy.
● When you’re drunk your senses are dulled, so you don't feel the same level of physical sensation as when you’re clear-headed.
● For men, alcohol is proven to be a cause of erectile dysfunction. There are numerous documented cases of men being unable to sustain an erection after drinking, and drinking heavily over time can make what might otherwise have been the odd episode of ‘brewers’ droop’ a regular problem.
● For women, alcohol can cause problems with lubrication and reduce the ability to reach orgasm; even if orgasm is reached, the intensity can be severely impacted.
● Alcohol can cause fertility and menstrual problems, making it harder to become pregnant.
● Alcohol lowers your self-confidence; with drink involved you aren't truly empowered to seek what you want in the bedroom, or be fully in control of what you want to do.
I hope it’s becoming clear now that alcohol does not improve sex. It lowers our inhibitions so it feels as if it’s easier to get things moving, but the reality is that we don't experience the moment as it really is. We’re not being the true version of ourselves, or doing justice to how sex should be experienced.
In the first weeks after I quit drinking, the realisation dawned on me that I would have to have sex without alcohol for the first time in over two decades. This scared me; I hadn't even thought about how sex might feature in my sober life. However, I reminded myself that sometimes the journey of self-growth meant I had to step outside my comfort zone. Yes, an easy option would have been to have a drink, reduce my inhibitions, and jump into bed, but that would have sent me right back down the rabbit hole with a bottle of wine in my hand. No thanks – my alcohol-free life came first, so this was just another area of my life I would need to explore.
The first thing I did was use my journal to explore my feelings and write down any concerns I had, and then to speak to my wife about how I felt. She was incredibly understanding and supportive, and we agreed to take things at a pace that worked for me. I felt a little like a 44-year-old virgin venturing into the world of sex for the first time. It was a strange experience, but also exciting and new.
When the time came I felt rather nervous and had quite a few 'what ifs' going on in my head. ‘What if it only lasts five minutes?’ ‘What if it doesn’t feel as good as when I used to drink?' But I knew this was part of the journey to being my true self, so I let the thoughts pass without judgement. I chose simply to experience sober sex for myself and to wait until afterwards before I decided how it felt.
I won't share the graphic details, but I will tell you that it was, without doubt, the best sex my wife and I had had together in years – an incredible experience. I felt sensations like never before, and it all seemed so much more vivid. It was a new experience to be fully present and in touch with my body (and hers), and to feel the pleasure without the numbing effect of alcohol. The wine-filled romps we used to have didn’t touch it in terms of intensity. Yes, I was scared at first, but after that first time, there was no going back.
When I speak to people who are worried about sober sex, I find it’s usually the thought of it that’s scarier than the reality. So it makes sense to have a strategy to help ease your nerves and make you feel prepared. Use your journal to record your feelings and any concerns you have; you can also use the visualisation tactics I shared in previous chapters for when you go to an event sober, and then see how the real experience compares to your imagined scenario. I’m confident the reality will be way better than what you predict.
Here are my tips for sober sex
It sounds obvious but do it with someone you know, trust, and ideally, love. You’re unlikely to do anything you regret with a stranger without alcohol involved, but it makes sense to ensure you share your intimacy with someone you care for and who cares for you.
Talk about it. Starting conversations about having sex without drink can seem daunting, but talking to your partner and ensuring you understand one another gives you transparency and the right approach in the bedroom. Discuss boundaries, needs, and what you expect, and don't forget to ask for what you want. This is probably the best thing that will ever happen to your sex life, and a great opportunity to rediscover a whole new world between the sheets.
Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move. One of the toughest challenges can be wondering how to get things started. When you’re drunk it seems to flow, but without drink involved, it can feel like an obstacle. I suggest talking about it first, then taking the first steps yourself. A great way to kick things off is to have a couples’ bath or offer your partner a massage; ease yourself in gently and you’ll soon find those worries vanishing as you become fully present in the moment.
Get to know your own body. Some people find that what they thought they enjoyed when drinking is no longer what they want to do when sober, so take the time to explore yourself and gain some clarity (you may want to do this on your own). By going through the process of quitting drinking, you’ll have learned so much about self-acceptance that you can see this as just another step on the journey to achieving the life you want.
Enjoy it! You’ll experience sensations and feelings that may be new to you, and it can be easy to become tense when exploring sex without the false protection of alcohol. Try and let go of any negative feelings and enjoy the moment – go with what feels good and savour the experience.
Don't feel embarrassed to reach out. If you’re a member of an online sober group, don't assume you can't ask other members about sober sex. It’s the perfect place to find non-judgemental support and advice if you have questions you don't feel comfortable discussing with your partner.
Yes, it can feel a little awkward first time around, but sober sex can give you a whole new level of intimacy and connection. For me, it’s yet another gift the alcohol-free life has given, and once I had that first time out of the way, I knew I would never again want to experience sex any other way. That feeling of being totally present, engaged, and in touch with my senses was like nothing I had ever felt, so why would I want to numb myself with alcohol?
‘You know you're sober when you don't need to ask your hubby if you had sex last night.’
Facebook post by EO, Switzerland