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It’s time to take action.
As you go forward on this journey, I want you to reach for this book whenever you’re faced with a new challenge. If you’re heading off on your first holiday or attending your first wedding without drinking, for instance, simply jump to the relevant chapter, get your journal out, and see what there is to learn. You can arm yourself with the right tactics for just about anything that comes up in your life. Even if something catches you off guard, pause for a moment, and before you do anything hasty, take a minute to read the relevant part of this book and then make a decision.
What I would also like you to do
If you haven’t already quit drinking, I would like you to make some firm commitments to yourself. Pull out your journal and write down the following statements, which must be honest and true for you.
1. The first one should be: ‘I refuse to put alcohol before [whatever or whoever is most important to me] ever again.’
To complete it, make a list of the things you will not compromise on; you need to make an absolute and real promise to yourself. My statements were:
‘I will never again put alcohol before my daughter.’
‘I will never again put alcohol before my wife.’
‘I will never again put alcohol before my mental health.’
This agreement with yourself is not open to compromise, so please be totally honest about the areas of your life in which alcohol is no longer allowed to come first. You need to mean what you say, and intend to stick to it without question.
2. The second statement I want you to make is: ‘I know I can cut alcohol out of my life for XX weeks.’
You need to fill in the XX with the number of weeks that you know you can happily commit to not drinking. I only want you to write down what you know you’ll stick to, so please don’t over-promise. As a guide, it should be possible for you to commit to at least four weeks. If you don’t feel you can do that then it may be sensible for you to seek medical advice or consider working one-to-one with an alcohol coach.
During the period of time you commit to not drinking, I want you to explore how you feel and the changes you notice. I’d like you to journal every day and become inquisitive about it all. There might be highs and there will probably be a few lows; make sure you refer to the chapters in this book that deal with whatever comes up, especially if you feel triggered to drink. I’d also suggest joining the online Alcohol Experiment and using it as another support tool from your first day onwards.
3. I want you to make a further commitment to yourself by writing down this statement: ‘If I do decide to drink during the alcohol-free period I’ve committed to, I’ll make a firm and true commitment to avoid drink for a further XX weeks.’
Again, fill in the XX with the number of weeks you’ll commit to; this should be at least two weeks more than the original promise you made. The point of this second extended period is that you know there’s a self-imposed penalty if you don’t see through the original obligation you gave yourself.
4. Next, I’d like you to make a fourth and final statement: ‘Once I’ve completed my promised period without drinking, I’ll reward myself with XX.’
Here you need to replace XX with a wonderful treat; spa days and fancy restaurants are my favourites. The point of this reward is to help you stay focused and motivated as you move through your time without drinking.
If you’re happy to do so, I’d love for you to tell at least one other person what you’re doing. Ideally, it would be your spouse, partner, or a close friend – someone who’ll be supportive and encourage you in your venture.
Now put the commitments in your line of sight. A great option is to write them on a brightly coloured piece of card and stick it on the fridge so they serve as a daily reminder of the positive actions you’re taking. Or if you’d like to keep them private, you could have them on your phone or in your journal (but the more often you see them the better).
When you’ve reached the end of your commitment period
Finally, after you’ve completed the period of commitment you’ve made and you’re organising your treat, I’d like you to do one last thing for me. Reflect on what you’ve written down in your journal: look at the changes that have happened and explore how you feel now compared to when you were drinking. Is your life starting to feel better? Are you feeling happier and more positive? Do you feel more motivated? Do you have more energy? Then, after you’ve dug deep into what’s changed, answer this question:
‘Do I need alcohol in my life any longer?’
If the answer is no, you have two options. You can either make a firm promise never to go back to drinking (and this is when you can write your divorce letter to booze if you wish – I love it when members of the Be Sober group share theirs, so if you feel happy to do the same, I look forward to seeing it). Or you can commit to an extended period without alcohol to see how it feels as you go forward. At the end of this, you should complete this process as many times as you need, making the periods increasingly longer. The chances are that you’ll reach a point at which you simply decide you don’t need or want alcohol in your life any more.
If your answer is yes (and I hope it isn’t), then it’s likely that you believe alcohol is still providing you with some kind of benefit: your mindset hasn’t fully shifted. I would urge you to write down what you think drinking is providing you with, and explore those beliefs in close detail. Then pause and look at your beliefs with an investigative and inquisitive nature. Do they really hold true? As part of this, you can return to the chapters of this book that relate to your beliefs, and re-start the education process by reaching out to online support groups and using online tutorials and blogs.
You may not have a complete mindset shift the first time around, but if you’ve experienced any positive changes at all you’ll know you’re starting to travel down the right path. You just need to keep putting in a little more work to get yourself where you need to be. Try not to become frustrated or angry if you haven’t transformed as quickly or as much as you hoped; be gentle with yourself and go with the flow. But whatever you do, please do keep moving forward. With self-love, ongoing learning, and support, I’m confident you’ll reach a place of happiness and peace.
The path to freedom is never a straight one, but it really is worth the walk.