In what is becoming a disturbing trend for the big box bookstores, American large-chain bookstores have reported a huge surge in incidents of shoplifting for the third quarter in a row.
“Frankly, we’re stumped, and the higher-ups are very worried,” said a middle manager of a Washington Borders who spoke on assurance on anonymity. “Books are flying off the shelves lately. For every person we catch, we must lose at least twenty hardcover novels. They’re very brazen. One woman we caught had six paperbacks hidden in her pantyhose. It’s almost an epidemic.
“We know why it’s happening, but we are forbidden to talk about it. It’s almost a police state, it’s gotten so bad.If we so much as utter the words ‘Shelf Monkey,’ even as a joke, we are given a verbal reprimand.’
In one extreme instance, an Oakland Borders store was the scene of a bizarre flash mob as over fifty people swarmed the store and managed to make off with every copy of the works of authors Dan Brown and Robert James Waller in the space of four minutes. The books were then doused with lighter fluid and set ablaze in the store parking lot.
When reached for comment, Thomas Friesen, currently incarcerated as one of the ringleaders behind the now-infamous Shelf Monkey gang, was overcome with laughter and had to be sedated.