Neil’s announcement was a shock to all of us.
People talked about going to Mars someday, but I assumed a mission like that would take place beyond our lifetime. Now the man I loved would be the commander of a mission that would travel past the moon…farther than any living human had gone before.
I was terrified.
Even if Neil and I would end our relationship the moment he left Earth, I would still love him for the rest of my life. If he didn’t return, it would haunt me forever. For a split second, I almost gave in to the hysteria and asked him not to leave.
But it wouldn’t make a difference.
Vic was sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees. His palms were pressed together, resting against his lips. The TV was still on, but the sound was on mute. He stared at the low-burning flames in the fireplace, wrestling with his anger.
Stacy moved to the spot beside him and rubbed his back. “Vic…”
He ignored her.
Neil moved to the other couch and took a seat.
I didn’t know what to do. Tears burned on the surface of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. It would just make it a million times harder for him. Giving in to the pain wouldn’t make anything better, it would only make it worse.
“Vic.” Neil’s deep voice came out quiet, tentative.
Vic ignored him.
Neil stared at the table.
I moved into the living room and sank into the armchair across from Neil. My body felt a million pounds heavier because of the stress that had settled on my shoulders. I knew I had to move on with my life when Neil left, but now I would still worry about him constantly.
Stacy continued to rub her husband’s back. “I think he’s just surprised…as we all are.”
“I understand it’s a lot to take in,” Neil said. “I’ve known about this mission a long time, and I’m still surprised.”
Vic slowly rubbed his palms together.
“How long will you be gone?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer.
Neil sighed, like he didn’t want to tell his family the truth. “The exact duration is uncertain, but probably around three years.”
Oh my god.
Vic threw his arms down as he clenched his jaw. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. If you survive and make it back, my kid is gonna be three. I’ll probably have a newborn too. And you’re going to miss all of that?”
Neil looked away, swallowing the pain like a pill too big for his throat.
Three years was so long.
“Why the fuck do you need to be on Mars that long?” Vic snapped. “What’s so important about a goddamn planet millions of miles away?”
“The time spent on Mars will be relatively short,” Neil said calmly. “It’s the journey that takes the longest. Based on the speed of our new spacecraft, it’ll take nine months to get there. Another nine to return. The planets have to line up perfectly to create the shortest distance for us to travel. So we need to stay on Mars until the time is right because we can only carry so much fuel.”
Vic dragged his hands down his face. “So, you’re going to live on Mars for a year?”
Neil nodded.
“And do what?” he snapped. “What’s so fucking interesting about red sand?”
Stacy squeezed his forearm. “Vic, calm down.”
He pushed her arm off.
Now I understood why Neil wanted to break off our relationship. He would be gone for so long, there was no chance we could have a relationship. In three years, I might be married to someone else. We wouldn’t pick up where we left off…not when that much time had passed. And he might not even survive.
“How stupid are you?” Vic snapped. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”
Like the brave man he was, Neil stayed calm. “That’s always a possibility, but we’ve done everything we can to make sure that doesn’t happen. We’ve never lost an astronaut in space before, and we aren’t going to start now.”
Vic shook his head, his jaw so tight. “If you die, my kid is never going to know his uncle.”
“But he’ll know my legacy,” Neil responded.
Vic’s clenched both hands into fists. “Fuck you, Neil.”
I was upset too, but I didn’t think Vic should talk to Neil like that. “Vic, if anyone can come back alive, it’s your brother.”
“Charlotte, not now,” he hissed. “This is between family, alright?”
That stung pretty bad.
“Vic,” Stacy hissed. “Calm down. Charlotte is a part of this family, and you know it.”
Vic didn’t apologize.
Neil looked at me, giving me sympathy when he was the one that deserved all the pity. “If it makes you feel better, this will probably be the last mission I’ll ever do.”
“Because you’re going to die?” Vic asked coldly.
“No.” Neil turned back to him. “Being in space that long will take a physical toll on my body. NASA will probably decommission me for space flight. I’ll probably spend the rest of my career as an instructor for future astronauts and an engineer on their rockets and software.”
It was the only thing that calmed Vic down. “I’ll make a deal with you. Promise me this is your final trip, and I’ll be supportive of this.”
“Vic, don’t put him in a position like that,” Stacy said.
“I promise.” Neil blurted out the answer without thinking about it.
Vic raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t want to put you guys through this again,” Neil said quietly. “And after being in space that long, I probably won’t be eager to go back. And I won’t be interested in the moon or the space station because that will be anticlimactic. This is what I’ve been training for my whole life. I’ll lead the expedition to Mars, a monumental event I’ll always be remembered for. Once I accomplish my greatest dream, it’ll be time to move on to something else, prepare the next generation for space exploration. I can live with that.”
Vic kept staring at his brother, like he was shocked by what he’d just heard. “I know you’re a man of your word.”
Neil nodded. “We have a deal?”
Vic would never be happy about this mission, but at least he had something to look forward to. His brother would be gone for three years, but if he survived, he would be on Earth for the rest of his life. “Yeah…we have a deal.”
We said nothing on the drive home.
We said nothing when we took off our clothes.
And we said nothing as we lay together under the sheets, Torpedo at the foot of the bed.
We still had a month together before he left this planet, but now that remaining time together had been poisoned by the knowledge of his departure. Now I really never would be able to live in the moment because I knew what was about to come.
I was so speechless, I couldn’t talk. Now was the time to tell Neil how I felt, to ask all my questions in privacy. But I didn’t feel like talking. I didn’t feel like fucking. I didn’t feel like doing anything.
Neil turned on his side and faced me, his eyes guarded because he didn’t know what I was thinking. He stared at me, the sheets around his waist so his hard chest was revealed. He was totally naked, not because he expected sex, but because that was how we usually slept. “Are you okay?”
I nodded.
“You don’t seem okay.”
“Just a lot to take in…”
“Hyde will be with me. The rest of the crew are all experienced as well. We have some of the brightest minds in the world working on this project. It’s not just the six of us on that ship. It’s also everyone in the control center, all the scientists and engineers who are brilliant enough to even make this mission happen. Even when I’m millions of miles away in the deepest reaches of space, I’m never alone.”
“I know…but I’ll worry anyway.”
“Please don’t waste your time worrying about me.”
That was impossible. Even if I somehow fell in love with someone else, I would always watch the news and ask Vic for updates. I wanted Neil to come back alive and well. That would make it easier for me to move on…to know he was safe. “I’ll always worry about you, Neil. Even twenty years from now, I’ll always hope you’re well.”
His hand moved to my stomach, and he gently stroked my skin. “You seem to be taking it better than Vic.”
“I understand how important it is to you. Of course, I wish you were staying. Of course, I wish you were just an engineer who had a day job like everyone else. But I’m also proud of you for committing your life to something so amazing.”
His eyes softened.
“I’m surprised you agreed to give it up.”
“I have realistic expectations for this mission. It’s going to be difficult and stressful. It’ll take a toll on my mind and have an even more adverse effect on my body. I’m still a young man by all accounts, but humans can only handle so much. Even if the flight surgeon clears me for another mission, I think it’ll be time to step aside. I’ve made a lot of contributions to this profession, and you always want to go out on a high note. Great football players retire after winning a Super Bowl. Same idea.”
“Too bad you didn’t feel that way after your last mission…”
“A trip to the moon is child’s play compared to this. I’ll be one of the first humans to reach Mars, and I’ll be remembered forever. That’s a big accomplishment—and the best way to go out. I’ll still be invigorated by my work with NASA and excited about training future astronauts and their work in space.”
“For such an ambitious guy, that seems anticlimactic.”
He shrugged. “I accomplished everything I ever wanted at a very early age. When you try to chase down the same thing over and over, it turns bland. Every time I go to the moon, I’m excited to be there, but it’s never as good as my first visit. Just how it is.”
“And you think you’ll never want to go to Mars again?”
He considered my question. “If Mars were closer, that would be a different story. But it’s so far away, such a long trek, that it won’t be as appealing as a second time. I have to say…I thought you would be in agreement with my family. I thought you would be excited that I’ve decided to stay after this mission.”
I’d be more excited if he weren’t going on this mission at all. “I am. I’m just surprised you caved so quickly.”
“I didn’t cave. I suspected I wouldn’t launch again anyway.”
“And what if NASA asks you to?”
“I could always say my health can’t handle it.”
“But would you lie?”
He shrugged. “Even if I come back perfectly healthy, a mission like this is so stressful on the body. Maybe I could tolerate it once, but I doubt I could tolerate it twice. This is my dream and I’m willing to sacrifice anything to achieve it, but not if it means significant long-term damage to my body. Not worth it.”
At least he had the logic to think this through.
He turned quiet, staring at me in the dark.
“Will I ever be able to talk to you? Send you a message?” Our relationship would be over, but it would be nice to see him as a friend, to give him some comfort while he was far away in the unknown.
“Yeah…you can send the videos to NASA, and they’ll upload it to me.”
“Will you be able to send videos back?”
He nodded. “Yeah…I can do that.” His hand glided to my side, and he gripped my hip. “And I’ll take that picture with me.”
“I still haven’t picked one out yet.”
“Well, if you have several, I’ll take them all.”
“What?” she asked. “You’re going to have a collage in your bunk?”
“No. I’ll change out the picture every few months. I have pictures of Vic and Stacy too. Maybe I’ll get a picture of their new baby before I go.”
It was sweet that he didn’t care about putting those pictures up in his personal area, even if other people saw them and thought he was weak. He was a macho man, but he definitely had a soft side he wasn’t afraid to show. “I’m sure you will.”
Neil turned quiet and stared at me, his eyes soft and filled with a hint of sadness. “I know this doesn’t make a difference. I probably shouldn’t say it. But a part of me wishes I didn’t have to go…”
My heart thudded as I replayed that confession over and over again in my mind. His meaning wasn’t clear, and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. “What does that mean?”
“It means…I wish I could stay here with you.”
“Is that even an option?”
He shook his head. “Even if I wanted to back out, I couldn’t. There’s not enough time to replace me.”
“So, it would be illegal or something?”
“No. Technically, I can do whatever I want. But it would be sleazy to do that to my colleagues. It would push back the mission, which would be an embarrassment to NASA. I represent so much to the American people. Everything I do affects everything else. So, no…I wouldn’t do that unless a family member were sick or something.”
So even if he wanted to be with me, he couldn’t stay. It would erase all the good things he had done in his career. It would make him look like a traitor.
“I just want you to know it is hard to leave…hard to leave all of you.”