amygdala An almond-shaped area in the midbrain associated with rapid emotional responses, especially the processing of fear. It appears to play a crucial role in “fight-or-flight” responses. When you leap out of the path of a suddenly approaching car, your amygdala has just saved your life.
A.R.E. An acronym for a conversation that positively addresses the question “Are you there for me?” Attachment theory and research tell us that emotional accessibility (Can I reach you? Will you pay attention to me?), responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond and care about my feelings?), and engagement (Will you value me, put me first, and stay close?) characterize secure bonding interactions between intimates.
attachment cue Any sign—from an inner-felt sense, a loved one, or a situation—that turns on the attachment system, our attachment-oriented emotions, or our sense that we need others. A sudden sense of doubt that a partner cares, a dismissive comment from a partner, or a threat from a situation makes us focus on how available and responsive our loved ones are.
attachment figure A person we love or are emotionally attached to whom we see as a potential safe haven and source of comfort. Usually a parent, sibling, romantic partner, or lifelong friend. On a spiritual level, God can also be an attachment figure.
attachment injury A sense of betrayal and/or abandonment at a key moment of need that, if not addressed and healed, undermines trust and connection and triggers or fuels relationship distress and partner insecurity.
attachment protest A reaction to perceived separation from an attachment figure. It is often the first response to emotional and physical disconnection. Protest is designed to signal distress to attachment figures and get them to respond. It is characterized by anger and anxiety.
codependent A term applied to a person who facilitates, albeit often unintentionally, the dysfunctional behavior of a loved one. For example, the partner of an alcoholic who wants the drinking to stop but does not insist that this problem be confronted. The implication is that this partner’s dependence on the relationship prevents him or her from confronting the alcoholic.
contact comfort A phrase used by psychological researcher Harry Harlow to describe the response of infant monkeys to physical contact with a “soft” mother, made of squashy cloth. Contact comfort is, in Harlow’s view, essential to help infants soothe themselves in times of stress and anxiety. In his studies, infant monkeys sought contact comfort before food. He concluded that, in primates, contact comfort is a primary need.
conversation In this book, a deliberate attempt to talk with a partner in a way that each learns about the relationship. The seven transforming conversations illuminate how you interact, not only what you talk about.
cortisol A key stress hormone released by the adrenal glands to mobilize the body, particularly the amygdala, to deal with emergencies. Hostile critical reactions from others trigger especially high levels of cortisol. If produced constantly or in excess, the hormone can damage the body, notably the heart and immune system. There is also evidence suggesting that it destroys neurons in the hippocampus section of the brain, impairing memory and learning and facilitating overgeneralization of danger cues. For example, we know that dark streets late at night are potentially dangerous, but under prolonged stress, we may begin thinking that all streets, even early in the evening, hold danger.
Demon Dialogues The three patterns of interaction that form self-perpetuating feedback loops and make secure connection more and more difficult. These patterns are: Find the Bad Guy, or mutual blaming and criticism; the Protest Polka, wherein one person protests lack of safe emotional connection and the other defends and withdraws (the polka is also known as the demand-withdraw cycle); and Freeze and Flee, in which both partners withdraw in self-protection.
earned security The concept that our attachment expectations and responses can be revised as we gain experience in relationships. Even if we have a negative history, for example, with a parent, if we have a loving partner we can “earn” a secure feeling in our relationship.
effective dependency A positive state of secure attachment that enables us to tune in to our need for others and successfully ask for support and comfort. This state promotes connection with others and helps us handle stress as well as explore and deal with the world.
emotion From the Latin emovere, to move. Emotion is a physiological process that orients us to important cues in our world and gets us ready to act. It is best understood as a process. It consists of a very rapid perception that something is important, followed by a body response, an effort to understand the meaning of the cue, and a move into action. Emotions, expressed mostly in voice and face, also send rapid signals to others. In this book the word is used interchangeably with the word feelings.
enmeshed Extreme closeness that impedes separate functioning and autonomy. In the past, lack of separateness, rather than lack of secure, positive connection, was considered the core problem in conflicted families and couple relationships. Health was defined as being able to separate from others, to stay objective and in control of emotions, and to not allow loved ones to strongly influence one’s decisions.
handles Descriptive images, words, or phrases that capture and distill your innermost feelings and vulnerabilities. Once we find our handles, we can use them to open the door to and explore our inner world.
mirror neurons Nerve cells that activate in sympathy with and in the same brain location as the nerve cells of the person whose actions we are watching. This seems to be the physiological basis of imitation, our ability to participate in another’s actions. These neurons help us sense what others intend and help us connect with what the other feels. We grasp the minds of others; we resonate with their state. Scientists suggest that the more active a person’s mirror neuron system, the stronger his or her empathy will be.
oxytocin The neurotransmitter most associated with bonding between mother and infants and between sexual partners. Dubbed the “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin is synthesized in the hypothalamus region of the brain and is found only in mammals. It plays an important role during nursing (helping to eject milk), labor (helping the uterus to contract), and orgasm. It also seems to promote close contact and affiliative behaviors with attachment figures as well as overall positive social interaction. The higher our levels of oxytocin, the more we want to approach and engage with others. Oxytocin appears to inhibit aggressive and defensive behaviors. It also depresses production of stress hormones like cortisol. Skin-on-skin touch and warmth prime oxytocin manufacture.
primal panic The feeling often induced by separation from a key attachment figure. This panic mobilizes us to call to, reach for, and renew contact with the loved one who provides protection and a sense of safety. Emotion theorist Jaak Panksepp, who coined the term, views primal panic as a specific anxiety system in the brain that is especially honed in mammals. He refers to it as an “ancestral neural code” that sparks our brains to produce stress hormones like cortisol upon separation and the calming hormone oxytocin when we are again in close contact with the loved one.
resonance A term in physics that denotes a sympathetic vibration between two elements that leads them to suddenly synchronize signals and match pace and vibration. This creates a prolonged response. In relationships, we resonate with each other when we are tuned in to each other physiologically. Then emotional states converge. We are on the same wavelength, so that we literally share in the experience of others. It is this resonance that triggers a wave of emotion in a crowd—for example, at weddings when the vows are said and the happy couple march out together, or at soldiers’ funerals when the bugler sounds a final goodbye.
Strange Situation The renowned and pivotal experiment created by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby to study attachment between mothers and toddlers. It involves separating a child from its mother in an unfamiliar environment where the child is likely to feel uncertain or anxious, and coding the child’s emotional response when the mother returns.
symbiosis In psychological theory, a state in which one person is mentally and emotionally fused with another. Originally, for example, it was believed that a baby experienced himself or herself as part of the mother’s body. Growing up was thought to be primarily a process of becoming more and more separate and autonomous. Inability to separate could lead to mental illness. For example, schizophrenia once was seen as the result of being symbiotically fused, usually with one’s mother. The idea is part of the “dependency and closeness are dangerous for your mental health” school of thought. More recent theories question the validity of this concept.
synchrony A state of mutual emotional attunement and responsiveness.
2 Ds A term used to refer to two universal relationship sensitivities or raw spots, namely the sense of being deprived of connection or emotionally starved, and the feeling of being deserted or rejected as unlovable by loved ones. Both result in our feeling alone and vulnerable.
undifferentiated A concept used in family therapy indicating that a person cannot distinguish between feelings and rational thought and is reactive in relationships rather than able to make self-directed choices. The implication is that this person is too dependent on others for his or her sense of self-worth. If a therapist believes that a lack of differentiation is the problem in a distressed relationship, then improvement involves helping the partners to create clear boundaries with each other and focus on making independent decisions.
vasopressin A hormone produced in the brain, closely related to oxytocin, which has similar effects. In research with male prairie voles, vasopressin peaks during arousal and oxytocin peaks during ejaculation. Vasopressin seems to trigger a preference for a particular partner and a tendency to aggressively guard that partner from other suitors. It also appears to trigger more intense parental care.