A boundary is like a line drawn around us that says, This is my limit. Go no further.
When someone crosses one of our limits (whether we personally set them or whether they are built in to the situation), the relationship is immediately harmed, and our own integrity can be threatened.
Occasionally a person might cross a boundary accidentally, just out of ignorance. This is called a boundary error. It becomes a boundary violation if that person disregards us when we educate them that a boundary exists.
Carla met her future daughter-in-law for the first time at a Kingsma family dinner. “Mom,” said her son proudly, pulling close a young woman with dark hair and proud eyes, “this is Ann.”
Carla gave a quick once-over of the girl’s apparel, assessed that it was not of Lord & Taylor quality, and said, holding out her hand, “Welcome to the family, Annie.”
The girl took her hand and said, “Ann, Mrs. Kingsma. My name is Ann.”
Carla turned toward the rest of the family and said, “Everyone, this is Brad’s fiancée, Annie.”
Brad’s father and brothers gathered around her and welcomed her, each calling her Annie. With each she stated firmly and clearly, “My name is Ann.”
The men of the family, without exception, switched to Ann immediately, but Carla called her Annie the rest of the evening.
Carla made a boundary error the first time she changed Ann’s name, but after she was corrected and she continued to use the wrong form of the name, she committed a boundary violation.
It might seem like a small thing to alter a name, but one’s name is not a trivial matter. It is much more than a label. It is a part of identity, almost a metaphor that wraps up the entirety of a person. Each person’s name has great meaning to them, connecting them with their heritage, their ancestors, and their history.
In certain cultures, the quick American familiarity of immediately shortening a name is insulting. To call Lord Charles Chuckie or Bud is just not appropriate. To call Habib Habby shows ignorance and lack of respect.
Sometimes we bestow nicknames out of affection. I have nicknames for many of the people I love (sometimes more than one for the same person), and it’s a sign of affection; but if you alter someone’s name and they correct you or ask you not to, you commit a boundary violation by continuing to disregard their wishes.
Carla’s violation instantly harmed her relationship with her future daughter-in-law. The quick regard of the males of the family, however, started their relationship with Ann on the right foot. Within ten minutes, she was closer to the men than to her future mother-in-law.
If Ann had gone along with Carla, accepting a name that she did not like, telling herself it wasn’t that big a deal, she would have begun to participate in her own boundary violation. Standing up for herself, even when her request continued to be disregarded, kept her spirit intact. The integrity of Ann’s relationship with Carla was harmed, but her own integrity was not.
Carla’s behavior told Ann a great deal about her future mother-in-law, and from that one experience she knew not to take risks with her, not to confide in her, and not to expect true affection. When someone violates one of your boundaries, or you observe them violating someone else’s, consider that a warning. Don’t expose yourself to any further damage or assault from them—and be on the alert for future violation attempts.
We sometimes wrongly believe that if someone has acted badly toward us, we will change their attitude by making ourselves more vulnerable. In fact, the opposite is usually true: the more vulnerable we make ourselves, the more likely it is that the boundary violations will continue or worsen.
For example, imagine that Ann, alone in the kitchen with Carla, had confided something important to her, thinking that an intimacy might win Carla to her side. This would have been a mistake, because it would have exposed Ann to further risk. She would essentially be saying, “Here, I open my gates to you. Come on in, even though you are not on my side.” She would thus be creating her own boundary violation, because Carla had already demonstrated that she would use personal information against Ann.
Had Ann confided, for instance, to Carla that she was nervous on the way there—a perfectly natural feeling under the circumstances—Carla might translate that to the rest of the family in a way that would diminish Ann: “That girl Brad is thinking of marrying is a timid little thing. She was scared to death to have dinner with us. You’d think we were going to put her on the spit and roast her.”
In the situation with Ann and Carla, Ann set the boundary and Carla violated it. Much of the time, however, a boundary is set by the situation itself. For instance, it’s a boundary violation for a doctor to hug a patient during a medical exam, or for an interviewer to ask a job applicant, “Tell me a little about the company your husband works for.” And it’s always a boundary violation for a parent to be sexual or physically abusive in any way with a child.
Every child has a line drawn around them. Inside that space is a child’s sexual, emotional, and physical safety. If a parent hits their child in the head, the line has been torn, and the integrity of the parent-child relationship is immediately harmed. If the child’s other parent observes or suspects the violation and doesn’t make their spouse stop, the child is abruptly alone in the world. From then on the relationship with both parents is altered.
Violating anyone causes pain and harm, but when the victim is a child, the consequences are more severe. Because children are small, vulnerable, and inexperienced, and have limited options and a poor understanding of what is right and normal behavior, they can be emotionally as well as physically harmed. Abuse alters a person’s future in a negative way.
Children tend to believe that the way they are treated is what they deserve. As a result, when they are violated, they then search around inside themselves to find the reason. They come up with things like I’m bad, or I don’t do things well enough, or I failed Dad; therefore I’m a failure. They aren’t able to see that it’s the parent who is wrong.
If a father deliberately runs his hand over his teenage daughter’s bottom, her system is immediately shocked. Her sexual safety is suddenly gone, and their relationship is instantly and permanently altered.
Since a child is unlikely to know how to fix the boundary—and since a parent who has already violated a child is likely to violate again—the harm to the child is often lasting.
Shiree told her mom about her dad fondling her. Mom told Dad to stop, and then never mentioned it again. But Dad needed far more serious consequences than a few negative words. Mom’s ineffectual response exposed Shiree to another three years of escalating abuse. She lost both her mom and her dad from that point on.
Linda, Shiree’s younger sister, watched in terror and confusion as the abuse unfolded. Even though her father never touched her inappropriately, she withdrew from her parents almost as quickly as Shiree. Ultimately, the entire family lost their home as a sanctuary.
When a mother is beaten, the children are violated as well. They can’t be sure that harm won’t one day descend to them. They also go through agonies of paralysis—wanting to save Mom, fearing their own danger if they try. At a young age, they learn to hate men, or despise weakness or women, and their model for handling their own anger is to hurt someone.
A boundary violation within a family therefore harms not only the relationship of the two people directly involved, but the relationships of all the people in the family.
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In any situation where a boundary violator is in a position of greater power than the person who is violated, the violation is automatically more serious. This power may come from use of a weapon, from superior size or strength, or from a role, such as parent, boss, minister, therapist, or doctor.
When we depend on someone else for something we need—be it a paycheck, spiritual redemption, medication, treatment, or housing and meals until the age of eighteen—we have an investment in remaining in the situation until we no longer have those needs.
Remember, a boundary violation is different from a boundary error. A boundary error is an inadvertent mistake, a result of being unaware that a boundary exists. People in positions of power already know that it’s a violation to use their position to exploit a subordinate or patient.
For example, doctors already know that their position of trust requires them to stay within ethical limits. They know not to use a patient sexually or for undeserved financial gain. Ministers know they’re given a greater measure of trust than a layperson, and thus must take much more care to keep their motives and actions clean. Bosses know that their subordinates will produce better work if they feel safe.
When you see someone violating a boundary that we all know is built in to a situation, be warned. You are being clearly shown that they are willing to exploit others for their own gratification or gain. Get away from this person. Don’t make excuses for them. Don’t give them the supposed benefit of doubt. Don’t minimize their behavior by thinking that perhaps they didn’t realize what they were doing. Be assured that they realize it.
If you’d rather not lose what you get from that association—he’s the only doctor for six hundred miles, all your friends are members of that church, you like the work and the benefits are good—then you owe it to yourself to see if you can salvage the situation.
Muster your own personal power, center yourself, and be clear and straightforward in stating your own boundary. Remember that you do have real power in this situation. Most violators are bullies and most bullies feel pretty weak inside. Lots of times they get away with what they do because no one calls them on it.
Naming your boundary will be enough for some people. If, however, they continue to violate that boundary, you will have to introduce consequences, either by exposing their violation (telling their boss about it, for example), or by leaving the situation.
Some bullies get meaner when they feel cornered. If you suspect this is the case, then get out. When other boundaries fail, the one we can always use is the boundary of distance. We can take ourselves away from the violator.
The longer we stay in a violating situation, the more traumatized we become. If we don’t act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective, and resilience. We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our wholeness.
Tariq started being rough with Chantal before they were married. He’d grip her arm or pin down her hands. Each time, he explained it away by saying he got upset whenever he thought she might be interested in someone else. For some reason, Chantal let herself buy these excuses, even though they hardly fit most situations.
For instance, there was the time she wanted to go to the beach and swim and he wanted to see the stock car races. He pinned her up against the car and went on and on about how if they went to the beach, men might stare at her and he wouldn’t be able to stand it: he’d want to kill them, so they’d be safer at the races.
Three weeks later, when the mid-August humidity made life not worth living, Tariq wanted to go to the beach. Apparently the danger from roving bands of salacious men had somehow diminished.
Occasionally Tariq would leave a bruise, but Chantal told herself that once they were married, he’d feel more secure. In thinking this way, she had already begun the slow decline caused by his intimidation. She was avoiding her own thoughts that would expose his poor logic for what it actually was: an extraordinary need to control her.
They got married, and the bruises got larger. Chantal told herself he’d be better when he had a child to love. Then, after their daughter was born, she told herself he’d be better when he had a son.
It is always an illusion to hope that a deliberate violator will change their behavior on their own. If someone violates you, if they mow down the boundaries you set, they will only continue to violate you. They will stop only when you add some negative consequences for their violations or if you remove yourself from their sphere of influence.
A boundary protects the integrity of the person and the relationship. When a boundary is violated, the integrity of both the person and the relationship are altered. Your job, if one of your boundaries is violated, is to immediately protect and restore the boundary. (Exception: if you are being threatened with physical harm, get away immediately.) The relationship has already been altered, but by taking immediate action to restore the boundary, your personal integrity is repaired.
If someone ignores the boundary set by the context of your relationship—say he dances too close, and he’s your husband’s best friend—set a boundary right away. “Back, Jack, you’re over the line.” If this boundary is ignored, regardless of the reason they give for ignoring it, you are with a violator. Set a new boundary by not giving them a chance to get that close again. “Dance is done, son.” And if they still come after you, don’t hesitate to threaten them with consequences. “One more move and I’ll blow your cover.”
Some of us have a tendency to let people get away with things under the auspices of being nice. Forget it. The other person is not being nice. Once someone else abandons the limits set by courtesy, you are not required to stay there yourself. Protecting yourself gets to be your first priority. It is more important than propriety or sparing the other person embarrassment. Remember, you are not the one causing the stir. The other person caused it. If they use the social situation as a cover to get away with a violation—counting on you to keep quiet so as not to interrupt the main event—you can foil that plan by deliberately and publicly speaking out—or by doing whatever you need in order to be safe.
The boundaries around you flex and move according to the situation. With someone safe and trusted, the line thins and shrinks, allowing the other person more scope, permitting them to get closer. You don’t need to keep a generous, loving friend outside a brick wall. With a potentially hurtful person, the line thickens and moves outward, so that they are kept away and less of what they do can penetrate. You wouldn’t be safe from an abusive person just by holding up a piece of cling wrap.
When a husband hits his wife, it’s a double violation because of her trust and love. With him she’s kept a thin, open boundary. The context, marriage, has invited her to relax; as a result the damage of the blow goes deeper. If the husband then uses verbal manipulation to convince her that she caused him to hit her, it’s a triple violation.
She, with that one clout, has gone from a peer to a victim, from a place of equal power to a position of less power. She is suddenly his hostage. Hostages learn to identify with their captors in order to survive, so her perception and logic will begin to side with him in order to protect her own physical safety.
This is why it is essential for someone to leave a relationship early, at the very first sign that abuse is the other person’s pattern. After the first blow, say, “If you do that again, the relationship is over.” And if they do it again, no matter what reason they give, leave.
The abuser is always a step ahead of the victim. The further down that road you let yourself go, the stronger your abuser will get and the weaker you’ll get. They will become much more dangerous as the years go on.
Liese loved her house. Sitting in three acres of parkland, situated so privately that she could bask nude on the deck and be seen only by hawks, it was like a physical extension of her own body, the only dwelling in which she’d ever felt absolutely safe.
After fifteen years of marriage, however, her husband changed suddenly. An undiagnosed mood disorder caused him to pick fights with her, undermine her thinking, and respond in disorienting ways. Often he was both intrusive and abandoning. For example, on their way to pick up new wedding rings a few days after Liese had surgery, he attacked her verbally all the way to the jeweler’s, and she was too sick to do more than bear it. Driving to a movie, he would suddenly light into her with angry criticism. She’d set out to exercise and he’d rail at her for using a walking tape. She’d come home and find the house rearranged in a way that distanced him from her.
Nothing she tried worked. She tried organizing an informal intervention, but Eric’s friends, believing his propaganda against her, wouldn’t participate. A marriage therapist they tried used old, useless techniques that got them nowhere. A psychotherapist couldn’t see through Eric’s respectful, appropriate behavior in her office.
Liese stayed in the situation three more years. She didn’t want to leave her house. She loved the view, the neighbors, the town, her garden, and her life there. She loved everything but Eric’s abuse. Because she loved the house so much, she subjected herself to nearly half a decade of hell.
When we stay in an abusive situation because of some other aspect of it—a cherished social position, luxuries, wanting to stay together till the children have grown—we lose a chunk of our life. As hard as it is to pack, relocate, lose shared income, and make a new life for the kids, things do get better as a result. On the other side of all the change and work is rampant possibility. Countless men and women have found that on the other side of the sorting and boxes and dislocation are opportunity, friendship, fun, and intimacy.