After her husband died, Maidie was lonely and scared, so she had her son sleep in the same bed with her. She turned to him in sorrow, seeking comfort. She clung to him and sobbed through the days and nights of her emptiness.
Her son was six years old. He was too young for this burden. He did not have the maturity to handle such an intense, extended emotion. He was also too young to be able to say no to her exploitation.
Though Maidie’s need and pain are completely understandable, it was still not okay for her to use her child this way. Children can’t say no to the will of adults. This is why they must be protected from situations that require more than they have the resources to handle.
The 1998 film Life Is Beautiful captured many hearts and received several awards. It demonstrates one parent’s extraordinary efforts to protect his son from an unfathomable situation. Such a high standard of fathering gives the rest of us something to shoot for.
We adults get desperate and lonely and frightened, but we do have options and resources. In every community, someone is available to help. We are the adults. We can make choices.
Children have limited resources and even more limited choices. Their perspective does not reach beyond their families. The younger they are, the less their capacity to realize that they can say no, that they can ask for help, or that their parent’s behavior is wrong.
Parents draw a circle in the sand with their behavior. Everything within the circle is seen as normal to a child. Everything on the outside is seen as abnormal. Children become imprinted with this distinction, and it determines their view of the world, their beliefs about relationships, and their sense of themselves.
If the circle contains respect for differences, kindness, and love, children become adults with the ability to create their own circle of love and tolerance. If the circle contains anger, threat, abuse, or disregard, children grow up hating themselves, everyone else, or both. When such children reach adulthood, they will find kindness and generosity abnormal, possibly even suspicious.
A circle containing neglect, exploitation, control, criticism, and estrangement will sprout a lonely child who does not know how to belong, feels undeserving and unfulfilled, and has difficulty connecting with others. This child could become an adult who finds tolerance abnormal.
Children are so steeped in the culture of their family that once they become adults, it is difficult and wrenching for them to wash themselves of it. As a result, they then raise their own kids in a similar culture. Thus any distortions tend to be passed down through the generations.
Here is where therapy shines. It can be the fastest, most effective way to dismantle the dysfunction that spirals from one generation to the next. Adults who cleanse themselves of their childhood programming do a much better job raising their own children. They can create a new family culture—one that promotes joy and happiness for their kids.
Since children can’t know what is normal and what is not, it’s up to the adults in a family to discipline themselves to stay within healthy limits and to turn to other adults to have their emotional and physical needs met.
BOUNDARIES WITH CHILDREN, PART I
1. Do not exploit children.
2. Do not turn to them with your complex adult issues, needs, or feelings.
3. Do not seek physical comfort from them by making them sleep with you for an extended period.
4. Do not seek any manner of sexual gratification from them.
5. Do not touch them sexually. Do not use their bodies in any way for your sexual relief.
6. Do not look at them sexually.
7. Do not make sexual comments to them.
8. Do not comment about other people in a sexual way in front of them.
9. Do not expose them to sexual materials, publications, or devices.
Yolanda Race had wanted a dog ever since she was a pup herself. Finally, the improbable happened; when she was eleven, her mother relented. Yolanda could have a dog, but she’d have to be totally responsible for it.
Yolanda took good care of Woofer. However, the county required that all dogs be licensed and have innoculations. The vet’s bill came to $64.
Mrs. Race refused to pay it. From the start she had told Yolanda she would have to be responsible for her pet. She insisted that bill was Yolanda’s problem.
Yolanda didn’t get an allowance and wasn’t old enough to baby-sit. She had no way to make money. The bill went unpaid and went into collections. The family received notice to go to court.
In court, Mrs. Race explained to the judge that the bill was Yolanda’s responsibility. He looked at the little, frail-looking girl standing before him, brought down the gavel, and declared that the parents would have to pay the bill.
Mrs. Race was so upset that, as punishment, she left Yolanda in downtown Seattle to find her own way home.
What is true about this situation?
1. Yolanda was irresponsible for not paying the bill.
2. Yolanda was charged with a responsibility she had no way to fulfill.
3. It’s an appropriate punishment to endanger a child.
The obvious answer here is 2.
Of course we shouldn’t abandon children to dangerous situations, even if we are overwhelmed, or mad at them, or dealing with big problems of our own. But the point of this (sadly) true story is that Yolanda was given a responsibility she could not meet. A quick way to teach children that they are inadequate is to give them jobs they can’t possibly handle.
Children who are charged with such jobs as making their parents happy, keeping a parent safe, solving a parent’s difficulties in the world, giving a parent a reason to stay alive, or fulfilling a parent’s dreams are set up to fail.
These are impossible tasks. No one can make another person happy. We each have to find our own reasons to stay alive. We are charged with fulfilling our own dreams.
Yet children absorb and accept whatever job expectations they are given, even if they are unspoken, and then unconsciously try to fulfill them—sometimes their whole lives long. Since they can’t possibly succeed, they can also—for a lifetime—believe that they aren’t up to snuff.
Even when these kids grow up, they continue to carry the same roles, and rarely do they realize on a conscious level that they can quit. They may feel compelled to move far away from their parents or to transfer all their attention to their own adult households, but the chances are they will continue to try doing the same job for the new people in their lives. We can be turned inside out a long, long time when we’ve been trained to be too responsible as small children.
Few creatures can thrive with just food, water, and shelter. Fish school, birds flock, animals herd—even some insects behave cooperatively. Lizards live independently, but most other creatures need contact with their own kind.
Children too need more than food, water, and shelter. They need physical and emotional safety, safe touch, limits, consistency, clear communication, instruction, and routine contact.
Emotional neglect occurs when parents are so involved in their adult pursuits that their children get short shrift. When children are pushed aside, made to wait an eternity to have time with a parent, or forced to endure broken promises because of the endless work demands of their parents, they learn that they are less important than achievement, money, or material gain. Emotional neglect ultimately causes great damage to the child’s self-esteem and to their ability to be in a relationship.
Don’t be a lizard. Talk to your children. Listen to them. Play with them. Construct events and activities that you can share with them. Teach them how the world works. Demonstrate honest, ethical behavior. Show how to handle anger in a healthy way. Practice negotiation with them. Teach them to express feelings, to grieve, to communicate.
Prepare them for their emancipation by (when they are old enough) showing them how to handle money, maintain a car, thank others for gifts, cook healthy food, take care of clothing, exercise, respond to invitations, initiate contact with others, and all the other skills that adults need to enjoy life.
BOUNDARIES WITH CHILDREN, PART II
1. Attend to their emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual needs.
2. Teach them love, acceptance, and tolerance.
3. Help them belong, both within the family and with other groups they enter.
4. Teach them to handle feelings, resolve conflict, and negotiate.
5. Prepare them for adulthood.