Every night the dreams haunt him. He wakes up tired and depressed, a silence continuously surrounding him. A deepening, grave-like silence. Similar to a wave before it rolls and breaks. What then? Another wave follows. His father appears in every dream. But the search is no longer the main aim of his life. Rather, it is the snatched moments of love. Love in the dark, savage, passionate with an animal desire. Darkness brings back the memories of his early youth when he was almost fatally ill.
He had panicked when he met death face-to-face. It was this panic that became his driving force, that drove him to a life of violence; swimming, maybe drowning, in a sea of sin, lust, and pleasure, continuously having to use his fists to defend his mother’s fictitious honor.
He went to the newspaper office and was greeted by Elham’s calm smile. How refreshing she looks. A rock in his stormy sea.
“Any news?” she asked.
“I’ve come to renew the advertisement even though I doubt it will be of much use.”
“Have you thought of any other method?”
He smiled. Little did she know that the search was now of secondary importance in his life.
“We’ve got a surprise for you,” said Tantawi.
He sat down, his curiosity aroused.
“A woman inquired about you.”
“A woman?”
“She asked about the advertisement.”
“Who was she?”
“She didn’t say anything; she just asked about the advertisement.”
“Maybe she knows of him. Reheimy, I mean,” Saber said hopefully.
“Maybe, and maybe…”
“What’s the other maybe?”
“She might know you.”
“Or maybe someone’s playing a trick. It’s happened before,” he said bitterly. Could she be his wife? His widow? Maybe it was Karima, just curious. That woman was a volatile mixture of passions and emotions, cunning and destruction.
Saber and Elham sat at their usual table in the neighboring café. He remembered his strange dream.
“You don’t seem as enthusiastic as before,” she remarked.
If you only knew the real reason! “It’s better this way,” he said, “I must not raise my hopes too high.”
“Yes,” she agreed, “let time be your ally in this search.”
“Please let me buy you lunch, at least once.”
“You are the guest, not I.”
They ate in silence. He noticed a thousand questions going through her mind, mirrored in her eyes. He thought of the previous night. How strange to be two people at the same time, divided between two women, one a raging fire, the other a gentle spring breeze.
“Are you taking a holiday to carry out your search?”
She’s probing now. He felt slightly uncomfortable. “I’m not employed in the real sense of the word. I have private means.”
“Land?”
“My father owns some property.” He could see that she wasn’t convinced. “I run his properties for him. Believe me, that’s harder than holding down any job.” The second lie! How he hated lying to her.
“Well, as long as you’ve got something to do. Idleness is man’s worst enemy.”
“That’s very true. These past two weeks have proved it. But what do you know about idleness?”
“I can imagine it. Anyway, I’ve read about it.”
“You have to try it to really understand it,” he said bitterly.
“That’s true.”
“It’s difficult for someone your age to have experienced enough, at least the way I have.”
“If you think I’m still a child, you’d better think again!”
How delightful she is. I think I love her. He mustered more courage and said, “You know everything about me. Now tell me something about yourself.”
“What do I know about you?”
“You know my name, what I do, why I’m here. And also how fond I am of you.”
She smiled. “Don’t mix fact with fiction!”
That is the only fact, he told himself. A dark cloud hid the sun momentarily and plunged the café in a deep gloom. “Well, I know your name and job,” he said.
“What more do you want to know?”
“When did you start working?”
“Three years ago, when I graduated. I’m still studying, though. Higher studies, you know.”
Thank God, she doesn’t ask about my qualifications. She’s too tactful for that.
“You, er, live in Giza?”
“I live with my mother. Our family is in Qalyoub. My uncle lives in Heliopolis. We also have someone missing from the family.”
“Who?” he asked, surprised.
“My father,” she said, trying to hide a smile.
How incredible. He remembered his dream. Lost fathers are plentiful, it seems. Maybe they’re looking for the same one. “How did you lose your father?”
“Not like your brother. Don’t you think I’m giving away too much?”
He looked at her reproachfully and yet curiously.
“Actually, my parents separated when I was just a baby,” she continued.
“He abandoned you?”
She laughed loudly, making him aware of his mounting curiosity. “I mean, he disappeared?” he added hastily.
“He’s a well-known lawyer in Assiut. Maybe you’ve heard of him. Amr Zayed.”
He immediately relaxed.
“I thought you were going to say Sayed Sayed el-Reheimy!”
“Would you have liked to be my uncle?” she asked, laughing.
“No,” he retorted firmly.
She blushed. “My mother,” she continued, “insisted on keeping me. That suited my father, as he was intent on remarrying. He paid her alimony, and we moved to my grandfather’s house in Cairo. He died, and we now live alone, my mother and I.”
He listened carefully, but nevertheless with some skepticism. He always doubted women and especially mothers. Elham obviously had never heard of his kind of life. Whores, pimps, bastards, and many other choice varieties. Could he give her such details as she had done? Clouds of despair and gloom hung over him. Elham was still talking. “One day my uncle said that I should meet my father. My mother was furious. He doesn’t deserve it, she argued, he never once asked about you. But my uncle insisted, saying that I was growing day by day, and I would definitely need a father.”
He murmured unthinkingly, “Freedom, honor, and peace of mind.”
She shrugged her shoulders and said, “My mother insisted on my not seeing him. I agreed with her point of view, that my job was more important than a father, at least more permanent. She was frightened lest he should decide to take me away from her.”
Oh, just listen to her talk, that delightful child. What job or career could possibly replace freedom, honor, and peace of mind?
“I continued my studies and applied for this job, and now I’m pursuing my higher studies at night school.”
“Don’t you ever think of your father?” he asked.
“No. To me, he does not exist. That was his choice.”
“Because you don’t need him?”
“No. I don’t need my mother either, but I love her and can’t imagine my world without her.”
You are obviously not on the brink of despair, my girl. You don’t thirst for freedom, honor, and peace of mind. You are not threatened by a tainted past that could become your future overnight.
“I’m happy in my job even though I haven’t got private means like you.” She hit him where it hurt, unintentionally of course. How he wished he could tell her all. But he did not dare. Loneliness enveloped him when she left him to go back to the office. Despite her charm and gentleness, she aroused the animal instincts in him. He imagined her shock and horror at seduction and his ensuing shame and defeat. But to him seduction was a natural instinct, one could even say a hallowed tradition. That was his defense mechanism. To destroy every possible virtue. Elham was a shining beacon in his life but also a threat to his ego. She shook the world he was accustomed to. He could only forget his torture in Karima’s fire. The beacon lighting the other half of his newfound dual life.
He walked out into the nippy November evening and strolled back to the hotel. The newly familiar sight greeted him: Khalil bent over his desk and Mohamed el-Sawi by the door.
He sat in the lounge for about an hour, smoking and scanning the papers.
He got up, went to the telephone, and dialed. “Elham, will you meet me tomorrow in the café?”
“With pleasure. Is anything wrong?”
“No, no, not at all. I want to see you whenever I can.”