Let Them Think Bad Thoughts about You
Poet Mary Oliver asked this question in her poem “The Summer Day”: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
I don’t know what your answer to Mary Oliver’s question is, but I do know this: Whatever it is that you plan to do, other people are going to have an opinion about it.
In the next few chapters, you’ll learn how to use the Let Them Theory to stop allowing other people’s opinions to hold you back from pursuing what you want and limiting the potential of your one wild and precious life.
You have no idea how big of a problem this is. Neither did I. It’s easy to put on a facade that you don’t care what other people think, but the reality is, we all do.
The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people's opinions.
This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself. It paralyzes you with perfectionism. It’s the reason you overthink.
This is where that ends. It’s time to give people the freedom to think what they want. Let Them. It’s time to set yourself free and Let Me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically that over time will transform your entire life.
The Let Them Theory was a gigantic wake-up call for me. I knew that I was worried about other people’s opinions, but I had no idea how big of a problem it was until I started saying Let Them. Let Them judge. Let Them disapprove. Let Them have their opinions. Let Them think bad thoughts. Let Them talk about me behind my back.
Right now, you move through life with other people’s opinions as your road map. You take the left or right turn based on what you anticipate other people might think or say, rather than making the turn you want to make. When you navigate your life trying to predict what people are going to think and say about you, you give your power away.
Instead of overthinking every move you make, what if you just Let Them think whatever the heck they want to think? It’s life-changing to free yourself of this burden. Remember the fundamental law of human nature: You can’t control what another adult says, does, or thinks. Try to and you’ll regret it. The more you Let Them think what they want, the better your life gets.
What if you gave yourself permission to live your life, and you gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it? What if you pour your time and energy into your hobbies, your habits, your happiness?
What change would you make if you weren’t worried about being judged? What is something that you are afraid to admit that you want? What belief are you nervous to be more vocal about? What have you been too scared to try because you have never done it before? What challenge or race or adventure have you been secretly yearning to do? What do you wish would happen at work but you are too afraid to ask? What conversation have you been avoiding? What picture have you been waiting to post?
That last one really hits home for me.
Ten years ago, I was just getting started as a motivational speaker. I was brand-new to the speaking industry. And, like a lot of new businesses, in the beginning, there was no money. To get started and get my foot in the door, I would reach out to small women’s conferences and pitch myself to speak for free.
If you’re starting a business, or you’ve got a side hustle, or you’ve started trying to make money online through social media, you’re probably nodding your head, because in the very beginning, you’re putting in a lot of work with zero return.
I started getting frustrated that a year had gone by, and I was getting better onstage and the audiences were getting bigger, but my bank account was getting smaller. Why? Because I was working a full-time job during the week and doing these speaking gigs for free on the weekends.
And as I wrote about in the Introduction of this book, this was during the period of time when my husband and I were struggling with massive financial debt, so I was highly motivated to figure out how to make money doing this.
I asked some of the more experienced speakers for advice on how to start getting paid, which is what I recommend you do in whatever business, venture, or side hustle you dream of launching.
Every business has a formula. Follow it. I say that because one of the things I see people get hung up on all the time is this belief that “I need to be different.” That is a fancy way to say that you’re afraid other people will think that you copied them. This is an example of how your fear of what other people think holds you back from following the most obvious, easiest, and most proven path to success.
Let Them think you copied them. Because you did. And they copied the formula from someone else. Because they did. Formulas exist because they work time and time again. You will make it unique because you will be putting yourself into the formula. Do not reinvent the wheel. Follow the formula and use it to your advantage.
Which is exactly what the experienced speakers told me to do. Every successful speaker does the same three things. And, until you do these things, you’re not really in the speaking game.
Here is what they told me to do:
And then most important:
That is the formula. Follow it, and you will start getting paid. So, armed with that advice, I knew exactly what I needed to do. Plus, the stakes were really high. I needed the money to get my family out of debt. I was very clear about what I needed to do.
But did I follow the formula? Not really. Yes, I created a website. Yes, I asked for testimonials and put them on the website. But did I post on social media? Nope.
At the time, my social media was personal. It was filled with photos of my kids, pictures from family trips, and selfies with friends. All of my followers were friends, former classmates, and family members. I had never posted anything about my desire to become a motivational speaker or the fact that I had been doing it for free for over a year.
And if you’ve ever wanted to use social media to launch a business, or promote some new aspect of your life, or to share your art, you know how hard it is to look at your account that has only photos of your personal life and make the decision that you’re going to turn this into a marketing channel.
It took me TWO YEARS to start posting about my business on social media. Why?
Who were you afraid of, Mel? My friends.
I worried that if I stopped posting photos of my kids and pictures from barbecues and get-togethers with extended family, and started posting photos of me speaking at conferences, that people would judge me.
Who does she think she is? Who the heck is hiring her to speak? What does she possibly have to say? What a phony.
I tried to post. But I’d thumb through my photos from the event and select one or two. Then the fear would kick in. As I drafted a caption, I would start to feel worried about other people’s negative opinions: Does this sound too arrogant? Is this caption professional enough? If I post this, will people unfollow me? Will my friends think I’m full of myself? Should I start a separate account from scratch?
I would then convince myself that it wasn’t worth it to post. You want to know why? Because I burned through so much energy trying to craft the perfect, most compelling, and marketable image and caption—something that would both promote me and ensure that no one would think a negative thought—that I exhausted myself.
I created hundreds of draft posts. And they just sat there, in my drafts. . . for years. And when I did get the jolt of confidence to post, I would leave it up for five minutes and check it obsessively; and if there weren’t as many likes as I wanted, or the comments weren’t as positive as I had hoped, I would delete it.
This stupid fear kept me from marketing my business, something I wanted to make my full-time career, for years. I gave other people’s opinions more weight and importance than my own ability to get ahead in life. Talk about giving your power away.
And when I look back at it now, it makes me sad.
I stopped myself from taking the actions that would have helped me achieve my goals, make more money, get out of debt, be able to buy nice things for my kids, and get a lot more clients a lot faster. Isn’t that stupid? Of course it’s stupid. And yet I’m sure you struggle with the same fear when it comes to “putting yourself out there.”
Whether it’s your business, your art, your music, your videos, or posting a photo of you in a bathing suit, if you’re censoring yourself it’s because you fear people’s opinions. That’s why you cover up your acne and insist on standing “on your good side” in every photo. And this is the same reason why you don’t speak up at meetings. Online you are afraid to look bad and at work you are afraid to sound bad. You’re afraid of what other people will think if they see the real you.
Every time you edit what you post, or stay silent in class or at work, or hide in the back of the group photo, you are engaging in self-rejection. You’re the one telling yourself that you’re not good enough. The constant questioning, editing, deleting, overthinking, and asking other people, “Does this look good?” only magnifies your self-doubt. And you want to know the crazy part? You’re doing it to yourself. I did too.
Most advice on this topic sucks. Most people tell you to just “stop caring” about what other people think. But no one tells you how. It’s time for a new approach. Using the Let Them Theory, you’ll adopt a revolutionary approach to squashing this fear once and for all: Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you.
It is a radically beautiful idea that will unlock your confidence, free your self-expression, and catapult you into a whole new chapter of your life. Give people the freedom to think something negative about you.
Let Them. It not only works. It’s science.
The fact is, it is impossible to control someone else’s thoughts. Therefore, fearing what other people think, or trying to control their thoughts, is a complete waste of your time.
You will never feel in control of your life, your feelings, your thoughts, or your actions until you stop being consumed with or trying to control what other people think about you.
I will say it again: Adults will have negative opinions about you—no matter what you do. Why? Because adults are allowed to think whatever they want.
It is physically and neurologically impossible for you to control what someone else thinks. The average human being has about 70,000 thoughts a day. Most of which are random and cannot be controlled. Which is why it’s ludicrous to waste any of your energy worrying about what other people think or trying to change what they think.
You can’t even control half the thoughts that pop into your own mind. Why the heck do you think you can control what pops up in someone else’s? You can’t. It is scientifically impossible. That’s why the Let Them Theory is so revolutionary.
Instead of fearing other people’s opinions, you are just going to allow them to think what they want. In fact, I recommend that you assume people will think negative thoughts about you. Because people do have negative thoughts about you.
This is normal.
And by the way, people who love you think bad thoughts about you. . . every day! I have bad thoughts about the people I love every day! This is normal. To prove it, I’ll go first.
When my husband wakes up, he usually lets out a huge fart. My first thought is, You are disgusting. I love Chris more than any human being on the planet. But I have bad thoughts and negative opinions about him all the time.
Same thing with my dog. At 5 p.m. my dog, Homie, is so annoying because he knows it’s dinnertime. He follows me around, he pants like crazy, he jumps up on me, and you know what I think: He is a giant pain in the rear end, and he needs to chill. But I still love him.
My oldest daughter, Sawyer, who I wrote this book with, is a complete control freak; and when things aren’t just right, she gets overbearing and too intense. She goes into an OCD cleaning spiral that just stresses everyone else out. But I still love her.
Every time our middle daughter, Kendall, FaceTimes me from Los Angeles, it feels like she is wearing a new outfit. I think she is irresponsible with her money and the last thing she needs is more clothes. But I still love her.
And our son, Oakley, is literally perfect. Just kidding. For the first hour he is awake, he refuses to make eye contact and speak to people. I think he is rude. But I still love him.
By the way, I asked my children to describe some adjectives they think about me. They said: messy, disorganized, loud, overfriendly, all-over-the-place, controlling, always late, know-it-all—and they have a lot of opinions about how much I share online about our life. And yet, they still love me. (Sawyer also wanted you to know that writing this book with me nearly drove her to sever parental rights because of the number of times I completely blew up the manuscript—for context this is version 11.0.)
Why am I telling you this? Because everybody has critical opinions about people they love as well as total strangers. It is a fact of life.
Embrace it and accept it. Instead of trying to change reality, start using it to your advantage. Let Them.
Here’s another truth: Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn’t mean they feel negatively about you as a whole.
I can think a bad thought about my husband and still love him and treat him with so much respect and kindness, because two things can be true at once. You can be annoyed by the way someone is acting and still love them to death.
This is how you feel about the people you love! You think their friends are bad influences. You think they are overreacting. You think their boyfriend treats them poorly. You think their business idea is going to fail. You think they are self-centered. But you still love them.
My point is simple: Adults will have negative opinions about you and everything you do. Let Them judge. Let Them react. Let Them doubt you. Let Them question the decisions you are making. Let Them be wrong about you. Let Them roll their eyes when you start posting videos online or you want to rewrite the manuscript for the 12th time.
Instead of wasting your time worrying about them, start living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Let Me do what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.
This approach is liberating because right now you are living your life and making decisions trying to anticipate what everyone is going to think. When you let the fear of what people might think dictate your choices, you limit your potential and hold yourself back from pursuing what you truly want.
It’s the reason you procrastinate, doubt yourself, get paralyzed by perfectionism, and, most importantly, it’s why you wake up every day and avoid the work that would actually help you get ahead.
You are so afraid of judgment, you don’t take any risks at all. Isn’t that what you are afraid of? That you’ll be judged?
That, if you get divorced, or quit the real estate business, or go back to school, or cut your hair, or try out for the soccer team and get cut, everyone will have an opinion about it? Of course they are going to have an opinion about it. So what?
This stupid fear is stopping you from trying new things, taking risks, being yourself, and making the small moves that, over time, will change your life. How sad.
The Let Them Theory will help you be more courageous. Doesn’t it seem smarter to accept reality and give people the freedom to judge?
You can’t control what someone thinks, so there’s no reason why you should be afraid of it—or allow it to stop you anymore. Your time is way more valuable than that, because you’ve got important things to do with this one wild and precious life.
Starting today, you are going to grant people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you. Let Them.
I know what you are thinking: But I don’t want people to think negative thoughts about me, Mel. I know you don’t. Neither did I. But the fear of what other people may think is a major source of your self-doubt.
I’m not good enough. (For whom?)
I’m not smart enough. (For whom?)
They are going to be mad at me. (Who is going to be mad?)
My parents won’t approve. (So?)
If I do this, no one is going to like me. (Who is no one?)
What will my friends think? (Whatever they want.)
Does this make me look bad? (To whom?)
Every one of these common fears is all tied to other people. That’s why I’m repeating this fact over and over again: Adults will have negative opinions about you, and your outfit, and what you just said, and what you did last week, and what you want to do.
Let Them.
Adults are allowed to think whatever they want to think. So are you. This is why the Let Them Theory will set you free. Instead of living your life on the defense, you’re going to get on the offense. You’re going to play the game of life the way you want.
Here’s another truth: You are so much stronger than anyone’s opinions about you. Stop giving your power to other people and step into your potential.
Let Me live my life in a way that makes me proud. Let Me make decisions that align with my values. Let Me take risks because I want to. Let Me follow the path my soul is turning me toward.
Doing what makes you happy, being brave, taking risks, and following your own path will always be more important than other people’s opinions about it. This is YOUR life. Stop letting other people’s opinions ruin it.
Write the book. Ask them out. Wear what you want to wear. Go surf all day. Go back to school. Drop out of school. Move. Get a dog. Book the trip. Stop drinking. Embrace your sexuality. Take the path that you’ve been scared to follow.
The more you use the Let Them Theory, the more you’ll realize that, underneath this fear, your soul has been nudging you all along in the direction that is meant for you.
Every time you say Let Them, you clear all of the noise and distraction on the surface and create space for something deeper: your voice, your intuition, your truth, and your unique path in life.
It’s always been there. It’s just been buried beneath all this fear.
As you use the Let Them Theory to free yourself of the burden of other people’s opinions, you’ll begin moving through life with your values, your needs, and your goals as your road map. Instead of anticipating what other people might think, you’ll navigate your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
And that right there is the secret. When YOU are proud of yourself, you hold all the power.
This brings me to a very important point about prioritizing your needs while also maintaining supportive and loving relationships. The point here is not to move through life as a selfish or narcissistic person who doesn’t care about other people.
The point is learning how to put your needs first as you’re balancing what works for you with the expectations and feelings of other people. In life, you don’t want to be a doormat, but you also don’t want to be an inconsiderate bulldozer. It’s a balance.
Let’s say you have a crazy-busy weekend coming up. On one hand, you have a close friend celebrating a big milestone birthday—and it’s one of those really fun weekends where friends are all getting together to celebrate.
For you it means making a four-hour drive to get to where the party is going to be held. And you know that the right decision for you is to be there. On the other hand, you promised your parents months ago that you would come home this same weekend because your grandparents are visiting.
You want to do both.
You want to be a good friend, you want to be a good child, and you want to be a good grandkid, so you move heaven and earth to drive four hours north of the city to be present for the Friday night festivities for your friend.
And you are glad you did.
You stay up late, laughing with friends, and down a bottle of wine. You have an absolute blast. Then, the next morning you wake up at 7 a.m. You roll out of bed, pull on your sweats, leave a note saying you’re sorry to miss out on the rest of the weekend, and get back in the car to drive another four hours to your parents’ house to spend the rest of the weekend with your grandparents.
As you are driving on the road, you are proud of yourself for making the effort.
Little do you know (you’ll find out later), the birthday girl was upset that you left and apparently said: “I don’t know why she even bothered coming if she could only stay one night.”
Let Her.
Four hours later, you’re at your parents’—a little hungover and a lot tired. You step out of the car in your sweats and hug your grandma who is so excited, she is teary-eyed.
Then you hug your mom, and she whispers in your ear, “Your grandmother was so disappointed you weren’t here when she arrived last night.” And then she adds, “We need to leave for lunch in ten minutes. You need to change.”
Let Her.
I am telling you this story to prove two points: First, even when you bend over backward and try to please everyone, and make it work, even THAT won’t guarantee that other people will think a positive thought. Let Them.
Second—and this is the most important point—don’t be the person who bends over backward to make everyone happy. I used to be that person. It left me depleted and feeling like nothing I could do was ever good enough.
Now that I know the Let Them Theory, I bend over backward to make myself happy. Let me explain.
The reason to make a herculean effort, or to show up both at your friend’s birthday party and to see your grandparents, is that it makes YOU proud of yourself. Don’t go to your friend’s birthday so they think you are a good friend. Go to your friend’s birthday because it makes YOU feel like a good friend.
Don’t go home to see your grandparents because it makes your mother happy. Go home to see your grandparents because it makes YOU happy to prioritize your grandparents and family.
When you operate in a way that makes you proud of yourself, it doesn’t matter what other people think. They’re going to be mad that you left early. They’re going to be mad that you arrived late. Someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions that you make. Don’t ever let it be you that’s disappointed. And don’t let guilt drive your decisions.
When you go to your parents because you feel “guilty,” you’ve turned your parents into the villain. When you choose to go because you’d be mad at yourself if you didn’t, you’re in control of your decisions.
This is a very straightforward example of how to stop worrying about what other people think, and let your values drive your decisions.
But what about those moments when your opinion and someone else’s really do clash? Like what if your mom doesn’t like the person you are going to marry? What do you do then?
I’ve been there.