The truth is: Life isn’t fair. But at some point, you’ve got to wake up, accept that fact, and stop obsessing over what other people have, what they look like, and what they’ve achieved.
So let’s talk about something that every single person on this planet struggles with: Allowing other people’s success to paralyze you.
The reality is, you can’t control another person’s success, luck, or timing in life. The only thing you can control is what you do with the example other people set and the actions you take next.
When you see other people’s lives as evidence that you’re a failure, or you’re unattractive, or not good enough, you become your biggest obstacle. Mindlessly scrolling on social media, or feeling inferior to someone else makes you feel stuck, hopeless, and perpetually behind. You are torturing yourself for no reason. You’re letting other people paralyze you, which leads to procrastination and self-criticism.
When you focus on how unfair life seems and compare yourself to others, you’re draining your motivation and keeping yourself from moving forward. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are failing because of your chronic habit of comparing yourself.
You are the problem. And the first step is accepting the truth: Life isn’t fair. It’s just not.
It’s not fair that you’re drowning in student debt because you couldn’t afford the tuition.
It’s not fair that your sister looks like a supermodel and everyone flocks to her at the bars, while you’re sitting there off to the side buying your own drinks.
It’s not fair that your supervisor keeps giving you the crappy shift at work.
It’s not fair that your country is torn apart by war.
It’s not fair that you were born diabetic and have had to manage your insulin for your entire life.
It’s not fair that your friend has a nice house or apartment because their parents paid for it.
It’s not fair that your colleague got promoted and you didn’t. It’s not fair that you just got diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s not fair that your friend seemingly has the perfect family life, while yours is so bad they wouldn’t even put you guys on a reality show. It’s not fair that your friend has a fast metabolism and can eat whatever she wants. It’s not fair that you have asthma because you grew up in a polluted area. It’s not fair that the cost of living and gas prices keep rising. It’s not fair that your face is breaking out with acne.
You’re right. It’s not fair.
The fact is, every human being is dealt a different hand in life and you can’t control the cards that someone else is holding. The more time you spend staring at someone else, the more you miss the entire point of the game.
In life, you’re not playing against anyone. You’re playing with them. Someone will always have better cards than yours. It’s not about the hand you’ve been dealt; it’s how you play it.
And while you’ve been busy comparing yourself to everyone else, you’ve missed one of the greatest secrets in life: Other people teach you how to be a better player, and that’s how you win.
It’s true, a lot of people have been dealt a “luckier” or “more successful” hand of cards. Let Them.
They are going to achieve things faster. They have a leg up. They have more resources. They have more support. There is nothing you can do to change it. It’s a fact. Let Them.
Because worrying about it, or making yourself feel bad, is an insult to your intelligence. You can figure out how to win. You can learn how to work with what you’ve got and start where you are and create anything you want in life.
But you will never do that if you give all of your power to this stupid and toxic habit of comparing yourself to other people. Stop it.
Wishing everyone flocked to you instead of your sister at the bar, or that it was you on those European vacations, or that you were taller or had a healthier complexion, or a better job, or the wedding proposal, or more money isn’t going to make it appear. It just makes your confidence disappear.
Any world-class card player will tell you, it’s not about the hand you’ve been dealt. It’s about how you play the hand. Winning the game of life requires you to focus on the cards you have and choosing what to do with them.
And look, I get it! It sucks to look at the hand you are holding and feel you have been dealt the unluckiest hand on the planet. It’s easy to say “Why me?” It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to look at someone else and make yourself feel bad because they have the body, the bank account, a loving relationship, perfect health, the car, the trust fund, the safety, the discipline, the friend group. . . because it is not fair. And you know what? Life is never going to be fair.
Some people are just really lucky. I have friends who seem to have had everything figured out from the day they were born. It feels like they have gotten everything they wanted. Positive things and experiences just pop up left and right. Everything always seems to just work out for them.
Why did these people get so lucky and I didn’t? It’s so easy to feel sorry for yourself and get angry at these people, right? They have the world’s best family; they met the love of their life in college; they are superattractive and a gifted athlete. Nothing seems to go wrong for these people. And as far as you can tell, they don’t struggle with depression, anxiety, or any kind of childhood trauma like the rest of us.
But comparing yourself to someone else’s luck in life is a waste of your time.
“But, Mel, I can’t stop obsessing over how much more attractive other people are, or how I wish I were taller or didn’t have asthma, or wishing that my parents didn’t get divorced and my family life was better.”
Comparing yourself to other people is unavoidable. It is human nature to look around and see what everyone else is doing and how you measure up.
The problem isn’t the tendency to compare. The problem is what you’re doing with the comparison that matters.
So ask yourself: What are you doing when you compare? Are you torturing yourself, or is it teaching you something important?
The fact is, there are two different types of comparison that people engage in: torture or teacher. In order to use comparison to your advantage, you must first identify which type of comparison you are doing, and it’s very easy to tell the difference.
The first type of comparison is torture. This is when you find yourself obsessed over, caught up in, or beating yourself up over something that you will never be able to change. Comparison feels like torture when you’re focused on fixed attributes of someone else’s life.
For example, someone else’s natural beauty, body type, family history, height, metabolism, parents, country of origin, past experiences, and any God-given talents like athleticism, perfect pitch, genius brain power, ability to learn languages at the blink of an eye, photographic memory, artistic talents. . . you get the gist.
You may be envious of these fixed characteristics of someone else’s life, but these are the types of things people were usually born with and not something they worked hard to achieve. They were dealt these cards, and their cards are not going anywhere (and neither are yours).
And more importantly, no amount of effort on your part will make these cards magically appear in your life.
Here’s how you know it’s fixed. Is there anything you can do in the next 30 seconds to change this? If not, you’re never going to be able to change these things.
It’s critical that you understand the difference between things you can and cannot change, because comparing yourself to someone or some aspect of their life that you cannot change, no matter how much you try, is just torturing you.
Therefore, any time you spend obsessing over a fixed aspect of someone else’s life versus your own is an act self-torture. It is useless for your growth and detrimental to your happiness. If you can’t change it, you must learn to allow it. Let Them.
This is not easy to do.
I have watched our oldest daughter, Sawyer, engage in this first type of comparison and torture herself for years. She is hyper fixated on her younger sister, Kendall, who has a completely different body type, bone structure, metabolism, and athletic abilities. To top it off, Kendall was born with an amazing singing voice and perfect pitch.
Sawyer cannot change this. Kendall cannot change this. And I can’t change this.
But over the years, I have watched Sawyer make herself miserable and give so much of her power away by engaging in torturous comparison. As a result, she hates her body. She beats herself up about her metabolism. She complains about how hard it is to lose weight and how easy it is to put it on. She’s made it clear how unfair it is that Kendall can fit into her clothes, but she can’t fit into Kendall’s.
And you know what. . . she’s right. It’s not fair. And no amount of exercise, or supplements, or singing lessons will ever even the score that Sawyer is keeping in her mind: Kendall is winning and Sawyer is losing.
This is what psychologists call upward comparison. Upward comparison is this tendency to measure yourself against people and their attributes that you think are better than yours. Research shows it destroys your self-esteem.
You rarely engage in downward comparison, which is looking around and seeing how much better off are than the majority of people in the world. According to the U.N., one in four people do not have access to clean drinking water. The truth is, if you have running water, electricity, and the time to read this book, you’re doing better than most people.
That brings me back to this type of torturous comparison and beating yourself up over aspects of your life that you cannot control or change.
I’ve watched with so much sadness in my heart at how miserable Sawyer makes herself. And I can’t save her. I can’t stop her from engaging in this kind of comparison. And no amount of complimenting or reassurance is going to change her behavior. She must choose to change this for herself.
Because until she stops torturing herself, she will never see the big, beautiful, amazing life that is right there waiting for her to embrace it. She will never embrace the beauty of her own body. And she will always see what she is not, instead of the magnificence of what she is. While she’s focused on her sister, she is not seeing what the rest of us see, which is her unique talents, brains, and athleticism.
You must stop obsessing over the cards in someone else’s hands. Life isn’t fair. Someone will always seem to have better cards than you and comparing your hand to theirs will always make you lose. Stop focusing on the other players; that’s not how you win the game of life. Learn to play with other players, not against them.
The sad fact is I have seen too many people develop an eating disorder or mental health problems or struggle with addiction or shame because of the torturous nature of this type of comparison. And I don’t say this lightly because I know it can lead to very serious struggles and challenges that many people face, including people I love deeply.
Psychologists will tell you that the root cause of many disorders is an obsessive need for control. As you are learning in this book, any time you try to control something that you can’t, it just makes you feel more out of control and powerless.
That’s why it’s imperative for you to recognize when you are engaging in this first type of comparison.
Stop. Let Them live their life. Let Me focus on mine.
You’re too smart to waste your life torturing yourself. Hold on to your power, because you’re going to need it to unlock the potential of your own unique life. What I’ve found is that being happier requires you to allow yourself to be happier.
It is impossible to enjoy your life or love yourself and beat yourself up at the same time.
So let’s move on to the second type of comparison. This type of comparison is a gold mine for you.