How to Provide Support the Right Way
Since there were so many questions about HOW to effectively balance supporting someone without rescuing them, I want to share a very specific suggestion almost every expert I spoke with raised.
When you are supporting an adult who is struggling, one of the biggest levers you have to pull is what you will spend money for and what you will not.
If you are giving financial support to someone in an attempt to help them through a hard time, you better be very clear about the conditions upon which you are giving that support.
If you give money without conditions, it will lead to massive resentment on your end. The money is not a gift. And unconditional love does not mean unconditional financial support.
Often unconditional love means withdrawing financial support. This is very hard, especially for parents of adult children who are struggling, and it’s often the very last lever that is pulled.
There is this term in recovery called rock bottom. We tend to talk about rock bottom moments related to the person who is struggling. But what we don’t talk about enough, is that you, as the loved one, will have a rock bottom moment too.
It happens when you’ve “tried everything.” Nothing is working. You are suffering. And then it hits you: There is one thing I haven’t tried: I haven’t stopped subsidizing their life. At some point, you’ll realize that by paying someone’s rent, bills, tuition, or giving them a place to live without any conditions, you are enabling their self-destructive behavior.
Remember what Dr. Waldinger said? “Don’t shield them from the consequences of what they choose.” At some point, you’re going to decide to stop subsidizing someone’s life, who refuses to do the work or get the professional help they need to get better.
Dr. Waldinger, and every other expert I spoke to, was adamant about this point: You owe people love, acceptance, and compassion. You do not owe them money. Because if you’re funding any aspect of someone’s life while they continue to refuse treatment, or won’t get a job, or don’t attend classes, or continue to lie or steal or be engaged in shady, avoidant behavior—you are part of the problem. Money without condition is enabling.
But providing money with specific conditions is support, and it can look like this: You can live here, if you’re sober. I’ll pay for therapy, as long as you and your therapist agree to a monthly check in with me. I’ll pay for tuition as long as you get a 3.0. I’ll pay your rent, phone bill, and car payments if you go to inpatient treatment for your eating disorder.
The hardest part is what happens when they don’t agree to the conditions. Because if they refuse to go to inpatient facilities or refuse to get a job, you’re going to have to take away all financial support, which means you stop paying their rent or kick them out of the house.
And I mean all financial support. They are not on your phone bill. You are not paying their rent. You’re not giving them logins for your streaming accounts. You’re not buying their groceries or paying for their Ubers. And yes, you may have provided a guarantee on the lease for their apartment. You are going to have to be willing to have that hit your credit.
They are going to hate you. They will likely spiral in the beginning. But when they refuse to honor the conditions upon which your support was given, you must be the adult. I am shocked at the number of parents who are asking about adult children who are struggling, whom they are financially supporting.
Let Them struggle. Let Them violate the terms of your support. And then, Let Me cut them off financially.
Very few people are willing to do this, because it feels cruel. That’s why throwing money at a situation is so common. But removing your financial support is the only thing that will work. Because it’s the only thing you have left when nothing else has worked. You do have power. And maybe this is the exact wake-up call that your loved one needs.
And if you’re reading this, and your parents are paying for your therapy, or your rent, or your education, or your phone bill, or any aspect of your life, I have news for you: They get to vote on how you’re living your life.
You don’t get to have someone else fund your life, and then have an attitude when they have an opinion about how you’re using their money. Having your parents pay for your therapy and then refusing to let them talk to your therapist is a form of gaslighting.
If you are sick of your parents’ opinions about what you should be doing, then start paying your own bills. As long as you are financially tied to someone else, you can say Let Them all you want, but their money is buying access to your life, whether you like it or not. If you want independence, prove it and start being financially independent for real.
And let’s be honest: The real reason why your parents’ opinions frustrate you so much is because you need their money, and you know it. You’re not mad at them; you’re mad at yourself for not being financially independent.
I can give you a personal example of why it’s important to stop bailing people out without conditions. I mentioned earlier that when I was in my 40s, Chris and I were in crushing financial debt.
We had liens on the house and we were $800,000 in debt. Chris’s restaurant business was profoundly struggling. The business was missing payroll. Chris hadn’t been paid in months, I had just lost my job, and we were having trouble paying for things like groceries or even filling up the gas tank.
It was a really scary time. Chris and his business partner were desperately trying to raise money to keep the business afloat. I remember him asking his brother to loan him some money for the business.
His brother said no, and added, “I’m sorry if me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt, but I won’t bail you out. You have got to figure out how to do this yourself.”
Was that harsh? No. It was honest. He wasn’t responsible for Chris’s business problems. Chris was. And he wasn’t responsible for propping up a failing business or rescuing Chris from his financial problems. It was super painful for Chris to hear that, but it was the truth. A few weeks later, Chris hit rock bottom.
The business hadn’t paid him in six months and it was running on fumes. He and his business partner had been working nonstop for years trying to make this business successful. It was this conversation with his brother that helped him realize that he had to get out.
The business couldn’t support two owners. Plus, Chris had developed a major problem with alcohol. He was drinking away the stress and engaging in other self-destructive behaviors. He was depressed, anxious, and knew he could no longer live like this. That was his rock bottom.
If his brother had loaned him the money, it would have just prolonged this devastating situation. When his brother said no, he had no choice but to rescue himself. That’s rock bottom and it changes your life for the better. Because, when you finally hit it, you connect with something solid inside yourself—the resolve to change.
It’s important to point out that Chris’s brother said no to money, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t supportive. He listened to Chris, he validated his feelings, he felt a lot of compassion for him, and ultimately, by refusing to loan him money, he was saying, “I believe in your ability to figure this out.”
And you know what? Chris did figure it out. The right answer wasn’t propping up the restaurant. It wasn’t running away from the situation. The right answer was saying, “I’m not doing this anymore. I quit.”
The first step to changing your life is taking responsibility for the fact that your life isn’t working. That’s why you need to let the people that you love face reality, not help them run from it. It’s your job to love them, and believe in their ability to do the work, and support them from a safe distance, which is what Chris’s brother did. Because just like there are a million ways to solve a problem, there are also a million ways to provide support.
One of my favorite ways to provide support is thinking about how you can create an environment to help someone get better. What does that mean? There is a lot of research about the role that your physical environment plays in your mental, spiritual, and physical health. It’s everything from the space you live in, the clutter around you, the food in your fridge, the people that you spend time with, and the plans in your calendar.
Ask yourself, How can I create an environment that makes change and getting better easier? There are a million ways you can do this, but I want to start with an example from my life.
When our first daughter was born, I had a very complicated delivery and lost a lot of blood. By the time I was finally discharged and sent home, I was not only physically destroyed, but mentally dealing with severe postpartum depression.
It was so bad that I couldn’t be left alone with our baby for the first four months of her life. I couldn’t breastfeed because of the medications I was on. And I was so depleted, I spent most of the day sleeping or sitting like a zombie on the couch.
What I remember most is that no one asked me how they could help. They just showed up and created an environment for my healing without asking.
My cousin came over to clean. My parents drove across the country and sat with me for weeks. A new friend, Joanie, who was pregnant at the time, would come and just sit and keep me company so Chris could go to work. And while I dozed off to sleep, she would do a load of laundry or make a simple lunch.
My in-laws came for a week and, every day, had something planned. Without even asking, they would say, “All right, come on, we are going to the Boston Flower Show.” And they would load me and the baby into the car. And even though I was still a zombie, and still deeply depressed, they created an environment where I got out of the house and began to step back into life again.
No one asked me, “What help do you need?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to do the laundry?” No one asked me, “Do you want me to drop off dinner tonight?” They just did it. And that is an important note about people who are struggling.
Let Them doesn’t mean leave them alone.
When you are struggling, you don’t know what you want or what you need. Some days, you don’t even know what day it is. Have you ever noticed that when you ask a friend who is grieving, going through a breakup, or just got out of the hospital how you can help, they often say, “It’s okay, I’ll be fine,” “Nothing,” or “I don’t need anything.”
When you’re struggling, you don’t want to burden anyone else, because you already feel like a burden. Let Me create the environment they need to get better.
Here are some examples of things you can do: show up at their doorstep, drop off dinner, help them clean up their apartment, fill their fridge with healthy food, walk into their bedroom and pull the shades open and lift up the windows to let the air in, do their laundry, make a playlist of great songs, send them podcast episodes that will help give them hope, send them care packages filled with thoughtful and nurturing things, or buy them a digital picture frame and load up photos so in their environment they are constantly reminded of happy memories and people around them.
One of my favorite things to do, especially for a new mom, comes from therapist K.C. Davis: Drop off a tower of paper plates and cups so they don’t have to do the dishes while caring for a newborn.
And while we’re on the topic, call or text a friend and say, “I’m coming over on Saturday, and I’m taking the kids or the dog to the park to give you a break.”
Take your roommate to get manicures, or to a new exhibit at the museum, after her breakup. Text someone once a week and just say, “I’m thinking about you, you are not going to go through this alone, you do not need to text me back, I just want you to know I am always here.” Invite your friend who just got out of a treatment program to do a yoga class with you every Wednesday morning, and better yet, pick them up.
You can create an environment for positive change by offering therapy, cooking healthy meals, or having conversations, and focusing on open-ended questions. Can you see how these examples are very different from throwing money at a situation, or enabling or rescuing someone from their problems? These are all examples where you are making it easier to step back into life.
You never know what someone else is going through. You get to choose what kind of friend, loved one, or family member you get to be. In this book, we’ve talked a lot about showing up in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
When you help someone else, do it without expectation. Do it because it makes you feel good to reach out to that friend that’s in the hospital. Don’t do it because you hope to get a long text back updating you on what’s happening. Drop off dinner to someone who just had a baby, not because you are expecting a thank-you, but because it makes you feel good to know you show up for the people you love in life.
Remember that when someone is struggling they are often so overwhelmed they don’t have the energy to keep you updated or to remember to thank you—but trust that your kind gesture is making all the difference, whether you receive a thank-you or not.
Your job is to stand by their side and hold the light high. Be a beacon of hope. Believe in their ability to get better.
People avoid healing because they do not believe they can face the pain they are running from. So Let Them borrow their belief from you. Because when someone feels accepted, loved, and supported, it’s easier for them to believe in their ability to step back into life too.
So let’s summarize how to help someone who is struggling. In this section, you may have learned how you are preventing other adults from facing their struggles. The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn’t mean solving their problems for them—it means giving them the space and tools to do it themselves.
When you say Let Them, you trust and empower others to handle their difficulties while understanding that facing hardship is a necessary part of growth. When you say Let Me, you focus on providing support without taking over while creating the environment and tools necessary for another person to get better for themselves.
Believe in their ability to heal, and create an environment where change is possible.